Need someone to eviscerate my writing. Fiction emphasis.

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  1. Christopher Floyd profile image59
    Christopher Floydposted 7 years ago

    Writers grow by way of feedback. If we don't grow, we stagnate. I am looking for people who can read something with an eye to its faults and give me a critique that is as brutal as possible. I'm not looking for opinions, I'm looking for a grammatical, plot development, and literary style beat down. Please feel free to post said beat down either here or on my hubs, as I don't delete comments and will refer back to them later on. I'm not one to argue back, that's a waste of time. I don't care so much about my poems or the academic stuff I have up, but of course will take any input I can get. My focus is fiction for the sake of entertaining, and I intend to make a lifelong pursuit of it, if not a career.
    I should warn you that some of my hubs contain foul language and/or violence. It's not any worse than you'd see on an episode of CSI, but I make a point of letting potential readers know.
    My main focus right now is Teddy Bear.
    I'd welcome thoughts on The Believers, Mud Man, and anything else that strikes you as problematic.
    Also, if you feel my writing lends credence to my opinion as a writer, I am quite happy to read and critique anyone else's fiction. (Although I should add I am typically nicer than the type of criticism I am looking for.)I came to hub pages to increase my readership and to find out what about my writing doesn't work. So please, lay it on thick.
    Thank you for your time.

  2. profile image0
    Home Girlposted 7 years ago

    Is it a new way to promote your writing? big_smile

    1. Cagsil profile image80
      Cagsilposted 7 years agoin reply to this

      Home Girl, do you not understand the use of the Extreme Hub Makeover Forum thread?

      The hubber was asking for critique. Since I am not into fiction writing, I didn't post any critique.

      But your post makes no sense considering the rules of the forum says you're wrong in your statement.

      1. profile image0
        Home Girlposted 7 years agoin reply to this
        I am being told...

        1. Christopher Floyd profile image59
          Christopher Floydposted 7 years agoin reply to this

          I think Home Girl was just clowning around.

          1. profile image0
            Home Girlposted 7 years agoin reply to this


  3. lrohner profile image80
    lrohnerposted 7 years ago

    I loved the Teddy Bear prologue, and it definitely makes me want to read more. Your stated goal is entertaining -- and you did. Job well done.

    On the nitpicky side of things, 13 of your first 33 sentences began with the word "he." (Yes. I counted.) When I read stuff like that, I begin to obsess about it and then I start to actually look for more instead of focusing on the story. But that's just me...

    1. Christopher Floyd profile image59
      Christopher Floydposted 7 years agoin reply to this

      Thank you, Irohner. That kind of nitpicky is exactly what I need. I'll look at that again. Maybe change them up, reword them.
      I'm glad it made you want to read more. It makes me want to write more of it.

  4. Rafini profile image87
    Rafiniposted 7 years ago

    Wow!  I can't wait for the rest of it!! 

    I think the beginning starts off a little slow.  You seem to use more short sentences in the beginning - I think you could mix in some complex sentences to equal it out, without losing the tension.  A short description of who Hollis is, at the beginning, would be a good thing. (such as: a relic from the Vietnam War or something like that)  I also wonder what hit him while he was washing dishes - I'm assuming it's Teddy Bear, but it isn't exactly clear. 

    You have three paragraphs in a row that begin with 'He'.  You may want to play a little with the wording.  I absolutely loved the shadows shifting line! 

    Oh, shoot!  I forgot to follow you - I'll hafta go back!

    When the partyers approach Hollis the gun shots come out of nowhere.  It's a logical outcome, but not forshadowed. 

    Okay, going back, now, to follow you!

    1. Christopher Floyd profile image59
      Christopher Floydposted 7 years agoin reply to this

      Glad I asked this question. Thanks everyone. Keep it coming.


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