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School Teacher: Funny Teaching Moments

Updated on September 1, 2012
I may look like I have my act together, but......
I may look like I have my act together, but...... | Source
Students, totally unaware that I don't have a clue what I am doing.
Students, totally unaware that I don't have a clue what I am doing. | Source
Welcome to Earthquake Country!
Welcome to Earthquake Country! | Source

It is time to take another look at some of the funnier events I have witnessed during my eighteen years of teaching. Since the last installment of this series highlighted a fellow teacher and a student, I thought it was only fair to turn the spotlight on yours truly and tell you about one of my more embarrassing moments. I wrote this while I was still teaching a few years ago but it is as applicable today as it was then.

Having said that, I ask you to kick off your shoes, grab another cold one, settle into your comfy chair and prepare to laugh your butt off. Are you ready?

SETTING THE STAGE

If you teach in the state of Washington, you are as familiar with the earthquake drill as you are with how to cash your paycheck. Earthquakes are a reality in this fine state, and you would be hard-pressed to find a teacher who is not familiar with the mantra”duck and cover.” Never mind that the average desk is much too small to completely protect a student, that most asses are in serious danger should the ceiling begin falling. The most important fact to stay focused on is that teachers and students are well-trained in this supposedly life-saving but actually futile drill.

Another drill has recently been added to our monthly tasks. Ever since a town named Columbine burst onto the scene with all the subtlety of a mortar round, we have all learned what to do should there ever be an intruder in our building. It is still amazing to me that the first time we practiced the Intruder Drill, the kids participated without a question, like it was the most normal thing in the world that we were anticipating that one day someone with an automatic weapon would open fire in their place of learning. Quite a testimony on life in the twenty-first century, don't you think?

A FLY IN THE OINTMENT

Just as the Earthquake Drill has a major flaw, namely the loss of every ass in the building when the great shake, rattle and roll begins, the Intruder Drill also has some glitches. Let me describe, as best I can, the drill itself and then we'll see if you don't agree that schools might want to revisit the procedure at their next faculty meeting. In our school, if there is a fire, the school bell will begin ringing and will not stop until the building has been declared safe. For the Earthquake Drill, a buzzer sounds and it continues to buzz for a full minute. These two warning sounds, the bell and the buzzer, are basically the only two warning sounds that we had at our school. Thus the first problem with the Intruder Drill....what sound gets the ball rolling? It was finally decided that the principal would blow an air horn if an intruder entered the building in a threatening way. Of course that brings to the forefront what constitutes a threatening gesture? I suppose if someone is pointing a rifle at you that we could consider that threatening. Heck, I’ve had some irate parents who I considered pretty threatening. Anyway, the first time we scheduled the new drill the principal was home sick and nobody could find the air horn. We've since found in the budget money for a couple more air horns and stationed them throughout the school. Okay, first flaw eliminated.

When the air horn blast is heard, teachers are supposed to move their students to the side of the room adjacent to the classroom door, out of sight from the door. Okay, we tried that....and then realized that an intruder could simply walk into the room and shoot thirty kids rather easily since they were huddled within ten feet of him upon entering. So it was decided that the classroom doors should be locked during school hours, thus preventing intruders from entering. Unfortunately, it also prevents everybody else from entering, and twenty to thirty times a day the teacher must interrupt lessons to open the door for everyone from the visiting parent to the kid returning from the bathroom. All in all not a workable solution.

While that fly in the ointment was being considered we also realized that directly across from the student hiding place was a wall of windows which provided easy viewing for any would-be assassin. In other words, while hiding from the intruder entering through the door, thirty students could easily be gunned down by his accomplice standing in front of the windows. Bottom line: the kids are not safe if someone wants to shoot them badly enough.

THE BIRTH OF A PLAN

Having finally resigned ourselves to that realization, we set about constructing the best possible plan. Upon hearing the air horn we would herd the kids against the wall next to the door; then the teacher would lock the door; then the teacher would close the blinds for all windows; then the teacher places his or her own body out of harm's way. With this new, improved drill the students are fairly safe and the teacher doesn’t stand a snowball’s chance in hell of surviving. I wasn’t liking this plan very much but I managed to keep my mouth shut.

MY EMBARRASSING MOMENT

So we finally tried out our new Intruder Drill. We were all fore-warned that the drill would happen shortly after one o'clock. Nice to be fore-warned about these things, as if a real intruder would be so courteous. But the warning does prevent most of the teachers from the inevitable heart attack if there were no warning and the air horn sounded, so I'm not complaining. At precisely 1:05 that afternoon, while I was dispensing various wisdoms about the Spanish-American War, the air horn sounded. I sprang into action, instructing the students in a very calm voice to get under their desks and cover their heads. After a minute had passed by I told them they were safe and had them quietly leave the building to the designated safe spot outside. To their credit the kids followed instructions perfectly. Yes, that's right, had there truly been an intruder, my kids would have been hiding under their desks, pointing their asses at the madman holding the AK-47, and then after a minute they would have marched right past him and gone outside. Under my professional guidance their only hope would be for a collective fart, thus rendering the gunman incapacitated. Hey, I never claimed to be perfect.

ARE YOU LAUGHING AT ME?

I have no excuse for my lapse of intelligence at that moment. I was so accustomed to the earthquake drill that I immediately said “duck and cover” when I heard the air horn. What can I tell you? Even the experienced teachers will occasionally choke under pressure. I can assure you that I heard about that mistake for months afterwards and deservedly so.

THE BONUS ROUND

Yes, I’m going to give you a bonus laugh because you have been so good about reading my first mistake.

I was teaching science one day and talking about organisms in our everyday world. At some point during the instruction I picked up the pen and wrote on the white board “orgasms.” The room became suddenly very quiet as thirty kids tried to decide if it was safe to laugh. Finally one brave soul raised his hand and asked me if it was common for Nature to have an orgasm.

At that point I laughed so hard I thought I was going to cause internal damage. Then my next thought was what happens when the kids get home and tell their parents I was instructing them about orgasms. I could just imagine the meeting with the principal as I tried to explain that one!

Turned out the parents thought it was the funniest thing they had heard in a very long time. Several of them told me later that their child waited until dinner was served and then told the whole family about my orgasm lesson. Let me tell you, those kinds of mistakes do not go away. A full year after that happened I was still hearing from parents and students about it.

THERE ARE MORE BUT YOU’LL HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL NEXT TIME

Like I said in an earlier article, I’ve got a million of these, so never fear, there is more coming. Right now, though, I need to go find a bigger desk that will cover my butt the next time we have an earthquake. After that I think I’ll write organisms fifty times so I don’t make that damn mistake again.

2012 William D. Holland (aka billybuc)

For other humorous tales take a look at:

http://billybuc.hubpages.com/hub/Funny-Teaching-Moments-Cheeseburger-Casserole-and-Hotter-Than-Hades

http://billybuc.hubpages.com/hub/I-Am-Living-In-An-Animal-Shelter

http://billybuc.hubpages.com/hub/My-Rain-Classification-System-For-The-Pacific-Northwest

If you would like to purchase any of my Kindle books go to:

http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=ntt_athr_dp_sr_1?_encoding=UTF8&search-alias=digital-text&field-author=William%20D.%20Holland


Tell the truth: Did you ever feel like the desk at school would protect you in an earthquake?

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    • Julie DeNeen profile image

      Blurter of Indiscretions 4 years ago from Clinton CT

      That was hysterical. The butts in the air, misspelling organism (who doesn't), I almost peed my pants. :) Shared!

    • fpherj48 profile image

      Paula 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

      hmmmm......as for your blackboard oops........ever study Freud?

    • TToombs08 profile image

      Terrye Toombs 4 years ago from Somewhere between Heaven and Hell without a road map.

      LOL! I love starting the day off with a laugh. Would you believe we had the SAME event happen in my AP Biology class...no, not farting at the gunman (we didn't have school shooters back then, unless you count the school rifle team and they were shooting on behalf of the school, not at it). Mr. Larsen made the same mistake when we were covering organisms...not orgasms. I opted to skim over the highlights of that class at dinner that night, and went right for the jugular - my ROTC class was having Spring Camp in Honolulu and I was gonna hold my breath until my parents said yes. :)

      Can't wait to see what NJ (nephew Josh) has to say. :)

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Julie, you could have heard a pin drop when I wrote "orgasms" on the board. So glad you got a laugh and thank you!

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Paula, I think I live Freud each and every day. Thanks, buddy! I'll let you know how my next therapy session goes. Want to tag along?

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      TT, if it hadn't been so funny it would have been one of the more embarrassing moments of my life. I still laugh when I think about it.

      Thanks Sis!

    • vocalcoach profile image

      Audrey Hunt 4 years ago from Nashville Tn.

      This was so much fun to read. Oh, the pictures you paint with the use of a few choice words! I love to laugh and especially in the morning. I will be visualizing the "collective farts" all day.

    • midget38 profile image

      Michelle Liew 4 years ago from Singapore

      Bill, I understand completely. Had a few good laughs constructing a makeshift toilet in the classroom with my students during an emergency drill here in Singapore! It was a hoot. I think the drills become more funny than dangerous!

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Midget, I so agree! Imagine, the laughs we get are a bonus above and beyond our paychecks. What a great job!

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Audrey, I needed to share two of my more embarrassing moments. They were so funny when they happened that all I could do was laugh. Thank you my friend.

    • Just Ask Susan profile image

      Susan Zutautas 4 years ago from Ontario, Canada

      LOL! This was fun to read. Thanks for laughs again.

    • Stephanie Henkel profile image

      Stephanie Henkel 4 years ago from USA

      Love your sense of humor, and I'll bet your students loved it, too! I'm sure that when you laughed at your mistakes, the kids found them even funnier.

      While we never had earthquake drills in NJ when I was going to school, we did have the "duck and cover" air raid drills in the 1950s. I remember clearly ducking under our desks (of course in third grade, we actually FIT under the desks) and covering our heads. One other kind of drill we had was marching into the hallways, sitting on the floor and covering our heads. I'm not sure what good either one of those precautions would have done in case of a nuclear attack, but I suppose that doing something gave the administration some sort of peace of mind.

      Loved your hub, your engaging writing style and your funny stories! More, please! :)

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Thanks Susan; I'm so glad you stopped by for a visit.

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Stephanie, that's the thing, none of the drills are effective in providing safety...too funny....I'm glad you enjoyed this silliness. I'll have more next week.

    • brenda12lynette profile image

      brenda12lynette 4 years ago from Utah

      Great story again billybuc!! I remember the one time our high school did the intruder drill right after Columbine. They marched us all outside so the intruder's accomplice hiding in waiting could finish us all in one fell swoop.

      We never had earthquake drills since we were in the OK panhandle, but we had our share of tornado drills. This consisted of kneeling against a wall with a textbook over our heads. Really... who comes up with this stuff?!

    • josh3418 profile image

      Joshua Zerbini 4 years ago from Pennsylvania

      Hahahahaha, I am cracking up at this Bill, too funny! :) Orgasms, hahahahaha lol good one, that must have been real embarrassing,I can only imagine....TT, I like your comment about what I was going to say, everything about this hub made me laugh, great job Uncle Bill! :)

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Brenda, that may be the best yet....a book over your head to protect you from winds in excess of 200 mph....lol...thank you for sharing that; I think that's funnier than my hub!

    • sholland10 profile image

      Susan Holland 4 years ago from Southwest Missouri

      Oh Bill, I so relate to each of your stories. LOL I am going to take up for you as a fellow teacher. We are so engrossed in what we are doing that it is easy to make silly mistakes that we hear about for years to come... Seriously, what teacher doesn't have one of these stories, and what kind of world would we live in if all of us didn't make these types of mistakes??? BORING!! You have given your kids the gift of a story for the rest of their lives, and it is fun to retell those types of stories. The great thing about high school kids is that they "get it" and know it wasn't intentional, so they can laugh with you rather than at you. Having said that and in light of our enabled kids who have parents who would love to create a fight where there is none (just a few, but enough to make teachers very cautious), I would have feared the administrators and the parents for the "orgasm" mistake. My biggest fear has been to say SEX rather than SIX. LOL It happens!!

      Great stories. Keep them coming. Votes and shared!!

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Thanks Josh! There is never a dull moment while teaching.

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Susan, as soon as that class was over I went to the principal and told him about the orgasm. He laughed so hard he almost choked on his coffee. No, teaching was never boring for me! Thank you so much for your comments. I knew you would appreciate this hub and relate to it. :)

    • profile image

      kelleyward 4 years ago

      This brought back memories of my horrible spelling ability when I taught nursing school. I use to sweat so much from nervousness in spelling a word wrong. Then when I did I'd just try to make a joke of myself. Hilarious Hub! Voted up and shared! Kelley

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Kelley, I can relate. The older I got the worse my spelling got; the kids used to sit and wait until I made a mistake and then jumped all over it. Little brats! LOL thank you dear friend!

    • Docmo profile image

      Mohan Kumar 4 years ago from UK

      Nice one Bill, The butt does have a greater potential to withstand bullet fire - and is a natural silencer. loved this anecdote and I am sure there are many more to come- perhaps a collection of teaching stories is on the horizon- a book , Mr buc?

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Hey Doc, that's a great point about the butt! LOL I am actually working on my memoirs from teaching; not sure when I'll get it done but I'm working on it. Thanks my friend.

    • ChristyWrites profile image

      Christy Birmingham 4 years ago from British Columbia, Canada

      LOL organism - I can just see you doubling over in laughter as you stand by the board! I am enjoying this series.

    • b. Malin profile image

      b. Malin 4 years ago

      You are the Teacher that will Never be Forgotten! And so Fondly remembered. Fun, Read Bill, and, may I also add, most "Writers" can't spell...But Oh, how we can Express ourselves! I will add my name to that list!

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Christy, I can almost set my clock by how quickly you will comment on one of my hubs. I really do appreciate you.

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Mary, you are a doll! Thank you so much! It's nice to know I'm not alone in the spelling challenge. LOL

    • josh3418 profile image

      Joshua Zerbini 4 years ago from Pennsylvania

      I'm sure there is never a dull moment Bill in teaching, sounds like you have had awesome moments that have blossomed into unforgettable memories!

    • ChristyWrites profile image

      Christy Birmingham 4 years ago from British Columbia, Canada

      I make special efforts Bill, hugs to you and Bev xx

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Those were great days, Josh!

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Thank you Christy; hugs back atcha!

    • Dim Flaxenwick profile image

      Dim Flaxenwick 4 years ago from Great Britain

      So, so funny.

      You will never live it down, I ´m sure

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Dim, maybe that's as it should be. :) Thank you for the visit my friend.

    • profile image

      Sueswan 4 years ago

      Hi Billy,

      I am still laughing.

      "Under my professional guidance their only hope would be for a collective fart, thus rendering the gunman incapacitated. Hey, I never claimed to be perfect." This is not a bad idea. Have you heard the phrase "silent but deadly." When I read the word organism I knew where it was heading.

      I remember when I was about 10, I asked my mom why do they call it public hair and said it is very private. She couldn't answer right away because she was laughing so hard. So I learned it was pubic.

      Voted up up and away!

    • Deborah Brooks profile image

      Deborah Brooks Langford 4 years ago from Brownsville,TX

      Billy I love your stories.. I have always thought that was the craziest thing to hide under a desk for earthquakes and Nuclear Bomb .. a desk is not going to save you..

      Lol

      great hub

      sharing

      Debbie

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Debbie, one of the other comments mentioned that they would sit in the hall for a tornado warning with a book over their head. I laughed out loud while sitting here when I read that one.

      Thank you my friend!

    • moonlake profile image

      moonlake 4 years ago from America

      Enjoyed your funny stories. When I was a kid I didn't think those little old desk would save us from an atomic bomb or an earthquake. Voted Up.

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Moonlake, I'd love to meet the person who came up with that idiotic idea! I'd like to hear them defend it logically. :) Thank you!

    • Mhatter99 profile image

      Martin Kloess 4 years ago from San Francisco

      Thank you for sharing this. Here is one from me. Mr Noble was a great English teacher, but he was always late. One day we turned the whole class around. Mr. Noble acted like nothing was wrong. He even wrote on the wall with his chalk. :))...

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Mhatter, that is hilarious! Talk about clueless...or old...or both? Thanks for sharing that one; you had me laughing out loud.

    • josh3418 profile image

      Joshua Zerbini 4 years ago from Pennsylvania

      haha Mhatter, that is soofunny! I love when people take control of a situation like that lol

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      There's Josh again, lurking in the shadows. LOL

    • always exploring profile image

      Ruby Jean Fuller 4 years ago from Southern Illinois

      I'm still laughing. Teachers with a sense of humor are priceless. I had a teacher who was very odd. He taught biology. We had a skeleton hanging in the back of the closet where he hung his jacket, one morning our class clown moved the bony structure to the front hook, he opened the door, the skeleton swung out in his face, he politely placed his jacket on the hook, never once showing any emotion. The whole class was hysterical. Aha the good old days...Great hub Bill.

    • CrisSp profile image

      CrisSp 4 years ago from Sky Is The Limit Adventure

      Hilarious and patiently waiting for the next one! (:

    • teaches12345 profile image

      Dianna Mendez 4 years ago

      Still laughing at your post, Bill. I can only say that the images presented here would be a most lasting impression on any intruder! So much for planning!

    • Mhatter99 profile image

      Martin Kloess 4 years ago from San Francisco

      My geometry teacher Mr. Adler... we walk in, he is petting a kitten sitting at his desk. The bell rings... he gets a bag out of his desk... puts the kitten in it... throws the bag out of the window... turns to us and says, "That's geometry."

      I became an excellent math student.

      (the real kitten was in a drawer with some chocolate)

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Ruby, that is a priceless story. I think I would have liked that teacher. Thanks for the great comment.

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Cris, thank you; I hope I don't disappoint you. :)

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Dianna, planning is highly overrated! LOL Thank you my friend!

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Mhatter, I want the teachers you had. That is a great story; I would have loved that teacher.

    • Vellur profile image

      Nithya Venkat 4 years ago from Dubai

      Mistakes do happen, but this was funny. I am glad there was no true danger.

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      I'm glad too, Vellur, and yes, it was very funny!

    • Tom Koecke profile image

      Tom Koecke 4 years ago from Tacoma, Washington

      At least you didn't tell them you were faking an organism!

      I remember the earthquake and fire drills. I'm much too old, though, to remember the intruder drill.

      It has to be more effective than the atomic bomb drill that we practiced as kids, though! I have a hub outlining it, in case you want to refresh your memory.

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Tom, I'm laughing. I love your comments and I will take a look at your hub. Someone was telling me about the tornado drill they did in Oklahoma...sitting in the hallway holding a book over their heads. Effective?

    • bravewarrior profile image

      Shauna L Bowling 4 years ago from Central Florida

      On a serious note, it's truly sad intruder drills have been incorporated into the schools, places where students were once safe and could concentrate on learning. We shouldn't have to add survival to the ciriculum.

      On a silly note, let's just hope the kids whose butts are exposed to shake rattle and roll and boom boom bang bang, at least go out with a final (hopefully the first!) orgasm....

      You're a trip, Bill. I'll bet your students looked forward to coming to your classroom!

    • Tom Koecke profile image

      Tom Koecke 4 years ago from Tacoma, Washington

      "Look there's another kid with a book!"

      "No. I think that's the same kid, but he must do well in school. He's already read three more pages."

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Sha, they actually did look forward to my classes, as I looked forward to seeing them. It's been a great life I have had and it ain't over yet. :) Have a great weekend my dear friend.

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Tom....LOL...you are a hoot!

    • snowdrops profile image

      snowdrops 4 years ago from The Second Star to the Right

      Hahaha!! This is so cute and funny! Voted up and always shared!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Thank you snowdrops; you are a pleasure to know and I greatly appreciate you.

    • Lot Rillera profile image

      Lot Rillera 4 years ago from Philippines

      Oh Billy, you made me laughed ! it ended my day with a smiling face :) hahaha so funny.....voted up and sharing !

    • sen.sush23 profile image

      Sushmita 4 years ago from Kolkata, India

      William da (in our language, da or dada means big brother), I could not stop myself from laughing. This is such an awesome funny hub and I know very well just how true it is. Oh, don't we have similar fire-drills here?! Voted up...and waiting for more. Sharing too for those who may have missed it.

    • Jennifer Stone profile image

      Jennifer Stone 4 years ago from the Riverbank, England

      Oh Billy, I laughed so hard I cried! I've even read it out to my family and now we're all laughing! Great story, thanks for telling it so well! Voted up ans stuff and sharing! Jen

    • LaThing profile image

      LaThing 4 years ago from From a World Within, USA

      lol, lol, ROFL.......l haven't laughed this hard in a long time.... Needed it badly! Thanks Billy, that was wonderful :)

      Voting up and everything!!

    • Janine Huldie profile image

      Janine Huldie 4 years ago from New York, New York

      Loved this and as a fellow teacher I too have had my fair share of embarrassing moments both from myself and the kids too. Can totally relate. Thanks for sharing and will share and vote up too of course.

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Lot, I'm happy that this gave you a laugh. Thank you so much!

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Sen. sush, thank you! I'm glad you found humor in my silliness.

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Jen, it is my pleasure. It is so fun to laugh, isn't it? I appreciate you stopping by.

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      La Thing, I'm smiling as I picture you laughing so hard. Glad I could be of assistance and thank you.

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Janine, I think most teachers have similar stories. We are in the limelight all day long; how could we not have some mess ups?

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      lovedoctor926 4 years ago

      Are you laughing at me part made me laugh and the bonus part had me RFWL. (rolling on the floor with laughter) Voted up funny!

    • Janine Huldie profile image

      Janine Huldie 4 years ago from New York, New York

      Billybuc, couldn't agree more. Love or hate us, we are truly in the the spotlight for our audience, our students.

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Love, we gotta have some fun, right? Even if it is at my expense. Glad you had fun and thank you for stopping by.

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Thanks again Janine!

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