Aging Stripper Tonya Torpedos

Seems a gal just can’t catch a break anymore.

Here we see aging stripper Tonya Torpedos outside the final night’s performance of her shuttered one-woman off-Broadway show, “Damn! . . . the Torpedos!”. Squeezed out of the public eye by Internet porn, ‘Girls Gone Wild!’ videos, episodes of CSI: Miami, and the 15-year-olds hanging around your local lifestyle center, Tonya now has to hang up her pasties.

Ms. Torpedos has performed her sensational strip shows here in Manhattan almost every night of every year since a childhood beau first encouraged her to take the stage in April of 1942. Headlining under her obvious stage name — she was actually born Edith Torpedos of Muncie, IN — she became a symbol for the massive build-up of armaments necessary to defeat the Axis powers.

Tonya is proud to have forged her career before the days of surgeons and silicone. As she has oft repeated, “All I ever needed to maintain my figure was coconut milk every morning, a 3-quart jar of cocoa butter every evening, and a two-piece hoist to lift these puppies out of bed."

Forgotten amid all the media buzz over Ms. Torpedos’ final nights under the lights are the tragic events of August 12, 1957. During a show she’d rather forget, Tonya’s spike heel slipped on the gauzy g-string she’d just shed. As she spun flailing, her protuberant paps wiped out the first row of her backing orchestra, driving a trombone slide clean through the neck of Buford ‘Buster’ McNutt, and leaving the crushed saxophonist Samson ‘Superfly’ Slade with an incredibly joyous expression and face-splitting smile on his dying mug.