Ashley The Bachelorette: Geeks and Beer Tears

Welcome back to another edition of Public Acts of Desperation, otherwise known as The Bachelorette . Ashley H, previously rejected by Second-Time Loser Brad Womack, has agreed to humiliate herself for an entire season for the enjoyment of women and their unwilling boyfriends/husbands everywhere.

Ashley showed up sporting a new Bachelorette makeover, which for some reason involved rocking a mid-drift like it’s 1994. Makeovers are supposed to better your look, not throw you into a time machine stuck on backwards. However, her dark hair is much better than her teeny-bopper highlights from last season.

I was actually impressed with the superficial qualities of this pack of menz, but then they opened their mouths and out came the same tired stories, just in prettier packages.

Ryan P suffers from Jake syndrome. He looks great on paper, but is a walking ball of cheese. Solar panels are great, and it’s fantastic that he’s single-handedly saving the environment (well, with a little help from Leonardo DiCaprio). Buuuuut, his well-rehearsed lines, “I want to change the world” and “My life isn’t completely sunny because I don’t have a special person” inspired my gag reflex to do some jumping jacks. The producers even made him run topless on the beach—wake up dude, you’re just another pawn in their game!

At first, I thought Ben C was adorable—I dig a New Orleans kind of guy with a real job, but then he started talking about how romantic he is and I wanted to punch him in his cute little face. Later, he tried a Love Actually move and held up signs requesting one-on-one time. I can respect that, but what’s up with his head shakes?

I wish people like West and Emily would stop appearing on these shows. Their truly tragic stories get exploited by the dirty toilet world of reality TV. Shit ain’t right.

Ames gave his snooty educational resume like a socially-handicapped supernerd. I’m so glad he educated a simpleton like myself--“I went to Yale, which is in Connecticut.” They sure do teach ‘em some important stuffs in them fancy colleges. When he met Ashley, he gave her ballet tickets, which she shoulda thrown on the ground and kicked, just because she can. The Bachelorette would be so much better if she’d get a little gangsta with it.

William has a Josh Lucas thing going on, which is never a bad thing. Sadly for him, he is a Good Luck Chuck--all of his ex-girlfriends married the next person they dated after him. I think that might have to do with the fact that he’s a little on the dainty side…ahem.

Anthony the butcher from New Jersey was extremely entertaining, and I wish someone would give him his own show. Sadly, he was eliminated so I’ll just have to wait to see if his heavy accent and meat-flinging inspired anyone at VH1 to give him a job.

Ben F and Constantine were discovered at a Josh Groban Look Alike Competition. ‘Nuff said.

And then there was drunk Tim, the liquor distributor, who thought it would be a good idea to get incomprehensibly wasted. The best part of his shenanigans was how freaked out he was by Mask Man, and I seriously feared there was going to be a sloppy drunken beat down. The big lesson of the day: if you get wasted at The Bachelor house, you’re going home in a creepy van not a limo.

Don’t get me started on Mask Man. What. An. Idiot.

When Jon arrived, he tried to carry her away to the “honeymoon” – and wanted to skip the wedding. Pervert alert! I was surprised to see him go home since he got a ton of air time, but he goes down in history as the first sissy to cry this season. Way to go, man!

Speaking of jackwagons, there have been so many seasons of The Bachelor , that there are less than 3 degrees of separation between contestants and every other human in the universe (even the ones on other planets). In spite of warnings from “close friends” that Bentley was on there to promote his business, Ashley fell for the broken-down used car he was selling her. The only thing that mattered to her is that he’s good looking. That always works out.

William

JP

Ryan P

Jeff- The Masked Avenger

Constantine

Ben F

Lucas

Matt

Nick (bad hair)

Ryan M

Blake

Mickey

Ben C

West

William

JP

Ames

Bentley