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GREAT MOVIES GUYS MAY NEVER SEE OTHERWISE -- She's Out of Control (1989)
This movie was universally panned by critics when it came out, but they knew their market -- fat 12-year old boys. Man oh MAN did I love "She's Out of Control" when I was fat and twelve. Amy Dolenz, daughter of the Monkee Mickey, is so so FINE.
For the rest of this hub, just so we're clear, Tony Danza's character is named DOUG, and Amy Dolenz is his daughter KATIE.
Alright, so the movie opens with Doug being THROWN OUT OF A WINDOW?!
He's falling six floors down to...it's got to be his death, right?
Just a whiplash.
And thus he's in the hospital, and the detectives want to know what happened.
So he tells the story.
I was just a happy young gent, Doug says probably. I had two daughters, a fine girlfriend, and my classic radio station was #6 and climbing. I mean come on -- "200 other radio stations in the greater Los Angeles area would love to be number six."
His oldest daughter Katie has these HUGE THICK glasses and braces. Add to that she thinks she's fat and does this insane workout routine where she almost dies.
She decides that her neighbor Richard is too nice a guy, and so she dumps him.
Doug's like awww come on Katie, he was never gonna try to touch your wee-wee with his wee-wee. You sure? Katie's sure.
Doug thinks great -- my daughter thinks she's ugly, she even dumped her boyfriend! Yes! He's so excited for his daughter's celibacy and low self-esteem you'd think he was investing in cats and wine.
He heads off on some kind of business trip where, whatever he's doing, he's gonna act like Tony Danza.
And so his girlfriend, late thirties and unfairly being strung along for THREE YEARS, DOUG!!! -- well she wants to give Doug the psychological impression that his daughters are growing up and thus life is moving on and it's time to pop the question...so she gives 15-year old daughter Katie a make-over the likes of which you've never seen.
Her braces are ripped off though she's got a year to go. Her hair is done by salon workers who both have an attitude AND only a short amount of time to work. They go to the baby whore section of the lingerie wing at Sears in order to doll Katie up for school.
Soon it's time Doug comes home. He sees her come down the stairs.
OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Amy Dolenz gaaaaaaaaaaaaaahd damn
And so literally for the next twenty minutes, Doug and the littlest sister have been converted into switchboard operators at the Hyatt. Pens in one ear, phone reciever in the other, taking down phone messages, answering doors, answering pages, and we see this string of dudes that Katie's been leading on. One of them happens to be WILLIS from Different Strokes! Only he's just there to deliver the water. His name is LeRoy.
And so it goes on and on and on.
The little sister, enraged that Doug keeps asking her about her sister like she's Katie's "keeper", decides that's a great idea. And so he pays the little girl to be a spy and keep detailed annotated notes with binoculars. It's not long before Doug is doing the same thing.
Finally we're at the beach. Doug is looking for Katie is...of course...is in the water all hugged up against some turd. She hops over to the sands. Doug throws a towel on her and she says "You're acting like everyone on this beach is after my body."
"Is after my body."
"Is after my body."
"Is after my body."
What you just saw above was what was going on Doug's mind. That's all he's fixated on now.
Is after my body.
Is after my body.
Let's back up shall we -- his daughter is slowly bouncing out of the waves, pulling her hair back, and just splashing with those tiny toes, just splashing...and ALL THESE DUDES are slobbering.
Including young Screech from Saved by the Bell.
Because Tony Danza decides to go after him and his friends, he's made to go to therapy.
So he's in the psychologist's office with Dr. Fishbinder, who is telling him everything that he's been thinking is perfectly normal. Dr. Fishbinder is a god damn maniac.
You know how often the average teenage boy thinks about sex in a day? he asks.
"I don't know," Doug guesses. "Uh...fifteen, twenty times a day?"
With near cross-eyes, Fishbinder replies, "SIX HUNDRED AND FORTY TWO TIMES. IN ONE DAY."
Fishbinder gives Doug a whole bunch of advice that's out there, but it seems logical. Marry your girl. Spy. I mean it's come to the point where, as in a magnificent scene, when Katie gets dropped off in front of the house, she never gets out of the car...the car just stays there forever and ever and ever with the motor running while poor Doug's left there to read Fishbinder's book of nonsense advice about how in ancient times, the man would ask for your daughter's hand in marriage with the head of a sheep. This is where an even better written segment comes in --
You see at some point, Doug told Fishbinder about Richard. It's never said in the film, but clearly this had to happen because it was the last time a guy came around his daughter and he didn't want to kill someone. Fishbinder, acting like a professional, simply takes this statement of Doug's and uses it to give him some new advice when it comes this new bad boy parked in front of the house -- he says that Doug should give this kid a mind trip by acting like he's his friend. Thereby Katie will dump him because he's not bad enough.
What happens within the next twenty minutes is completely predictable...except for what happens after Katie dumps him.
Goodness me is this a clever part.
Over to the house comes the disillusioned boyfriend.
But he's not there to see Katie.
He's there to see Doug.
No dad has ever been cool to him before. He says to Doug -- Do you want to go to, I dunno, a concert one night or something?
So everything goes really yeah yeah, until it's all finished, Doug embarrasses Katie but saves her all at once, and then is beating his head against the car door as he drives. He's listening to his radio station, which by now is down to like #95 in the ratings (but 105 other stations would love to be number 95, Jeff!). On the station at this moment is Dr. Fishbinder. Someone calls in after reading his book claiming that after taking his advice, the caller's daughter ran off with the poolman. "What kind of dad would give advice like that?"
"First off," says Dr. Fishbinder, "I don't have a daughter."
To which Doug looks right at us -- "He doesn't have a daughter?"
This is how the fight occurs where Doug is launched from six stories up. He was being thrown from the recording room at his radio station.
And that's it, Doug says to the detectives at the hospital. That's the whole story.
The detectives let him off. They think Doug should have won father of the year.
Add to that, Dr. Fishbinder and Doug will go head-to-head in future radio broadcasts. THAT'S how they're gonna save the station!!! The ratings have already gone through the room after last night!
But there's more...Katie's little sister, Doug's sidekick this whole time, now has a date as well. And she's been made over a bit as well.
Doug says alright honey I trust you, I trust you.
He turns to Dr. Fishbinder. "I trust her."
Dr. Fishbinder smirks back. "To be settled Tuesday night, on the air."