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How You Make to Write More Better

Updated on November 08, 2013
Toast is the best thing since sliced bread.
Toast is the best thing since sliced bread.

I’m not the best thing since sliced bread, or even bagels, for that matter. I’m not a published author. I don’t teach English classes. I can’t say my ABCs backwards or keep a straight face when someone says duty . I can’t even remember which sock goes on which foot. I sometimes forget they go on my feet and put them on my hands. So who am I to give advice? I’m typing this with socks on my hands and it’s very difficult.

I’ll tell you a little about myself. I graduated high school, joined the work force, and then went to college for a year or so, until I could no longer afford to do so. I went to get an English degree, because I knew that one day I’d be writing this article and I wanted it to be as useful to you as those metal egg rims that you pour eggs into to get them into a perfect, circular shape. But I couldn’t afford to stay in school, so this article will suffer because of it. So why even listen to what I have to say about writing? I wish I hadn’t asked that, because I don’t really have a good excuse. Scratch that. Sniff it. Let me rephrase. To have say to even so about why writing I listen what? There, I completely rephrased that question so that you can’t understand it, so you won’t be wondering why you came to me for advice in the first place.

There are seven simple steps to remember when you’re trying to write something. Think of them as seven dwarfs. Or midgets. I’m not sure which one is politically correct, but I don’t want to offend anyone, so just think of these seven steps as seven Mini Snickers. Not snickers as in disrespectful laughter, but like the candy Snickers. These Mini Snickers are metaphorical and are not meant to be taken orally, only metaphorically. And I’m required by law to warn you of the side effects of this article, but don’t take them too seriously. If any of the following severe side effects occur while reading this article---rash, hives, difficulty breathing, tightness in the chest, swelling of the mouth, face, lips, or tongue, hallucinations, decreased urination, severe dizziness, suicidal thoughts or actions---then you should seek immediate medical attention.

The Seven Mini Snickers: Short and Sweet

So you think you can write. But can you write with both hands, simultaneously, and in two different languages? I didn’t think so. You need help. You’ve come to the write place (ha, I made a pun)! Notice, I didn’t say the right place, that would have been misleading. This is the write place. This is where we write things. This is a place of things we write. This is where we place our things that we write. Can I possibly explain it more? This thing is where the write takes place. And if you like to write, you’ll find it write up your alley. This is Hubpages, a place full of writers who care and want to share information. Which is why I’m writing this article to begin with. Here is a list of items you will need before I continue.

  • A blank sheet of paper or scrap of bark (You can also write on your skin, if no paper is available. This is known as write to bare arms.)
  • A pen and/or pencil (A pen is best. Pencils will always be No. 2.)
  • The Complete Works of William Shakespeare (So you’ll have a flat surface to write on.)
  • Epinephrine (In case you go into cardiac arrest.)

This is the proper way to hold a pencil.
This is the proper way to hold a pencil.

Step #1: How to write correctly

If you are writing with a pen and/or pencil, then use your fingers to hold the writing instrument. Never use your toes, as they lack the required length and dexterity. Holding a pen or pencil in your fist is the wrong way to write, and only correct if you’re carving or attempting to stab someone. So now you know how to hold a pen and/or pencil. This will help you write correctly. Hold the pen or pencil in your hand now, the sharpest end pointing away from you. It should rest on your middle finger and be held in place by your index finger and thumb. (I’m assuming you have fingers. If you don’t, then maybe writing’s not for you. May I suggest you try something that only requires the use of your palms, or a sport that doesn’t allow you to use your hands, like soccer.) Once you are holding the pen or pencil correctly, lower your hand until the tip of the pen or pencil meets the paper. Now press the tip against the paper and drag the pen or pencil. See what happened? You made what is known as a mark. With time and practice, you can turn these marks into legible handwriting.

D is for duck.  Not dasypoedes.
D is for duck. Not dasypoedes.

Step #2: How to write smaller

I suggest starting off with large letters. It’s okay if the letter takes up your whole sheet of paper at first. Let’s practice with the letter D. Holding the pen or pencil correctly, write the letter D. Now make another D inside of the D you just made. Now make another D inside of the D you just made. Now make another D inside of the D you just made. Now make another D inside of the D you just made. Now make another D inside of the D you just made. See what’s happening? Your writing is getting smaller, which will enable you to fit more words on a single piece of paper. However, you don't want to write so small that it takes a magnifying glass to read it. Not unless you're writing a 'Stay off my lawn' sign for ants.

Step #3: How to concentrate on what you write

It’s much easier to write in a stress free environment. Some people actually need noise to concentrate, but most need silence. If you are one of the latter, then lock yourself in a room and place mattresses against the walls. Allow only the sound of your breathing and the soft scratching of pen against paper. This will help you concentrate on what you want to write. Unless you actually need noise, then the sound of people screaming and explosions nearby will help you write with ease. Their screams are your inspiration.

Step #4: How to pick a topic to write about

Close your eyes. What’s the first thing you think about? Ha-ha, you can’t even read that question, because your eyes are closed. I can say anything I want. I am He-Man, Master of the Universe. My friends and I defend Eternia and the secrets of Castle Grayskull from the evil forces of Skeletor. Now open your eyes again. Crap, you can’t even read that . How am I going to get you to open them again? Bloody hell, I sure screwed up. You probably won’t even see the rest of this article. But I’ll keep writing it in hopes that you’ll open your eyes again. Like I was saying, what’s the first thing you think about? That’s what you should write about. If you think about unicorns or mud wrestling, then write about it. Or pick a topic that you find interesting, or one that you know will interest others. Or just pick something in the room and write about it. Write about a lamp. Tell us its strengths and weaknesses. Tell us your personal relationship with the lamp.

Step #5: How to be descriptive

Let’s say you choose to write about that lamp. What size is it? Small, medium, large, or unusually large and taking up too much space? What color is it? Blue, red, periwinkle, or Atomic Tangerine? These are small descriptions, the things that are most noticeable about the lamp. Once you have the small descriptions mastered, try the big descriptions. For instance, the small tower of golden glass sat on the precipice of a wooden plane, and the tiny sun that kept watch behind the tower’s parapet, although hidden by a veil of silk shantung, burned bright enough to cast its light across a thousand worlds and vanquish the darkness. (I.e. your lamp is awesome.)

One example of taking punctuation too seriously.
One example of taking punctuation too seriously.

Step #6: How to use correct punctuation

Okay, so the question naturally arises, what is punctuation? They’re marks used to organize writing. Periods and commas are punctuation, and can be mixed together to create other types of punctuation. A period on top of a period would be a colon , which is also a part of your intestine. A period on top of a comma is known as a semicolon , which would be like half of your colon. If you want to explore colons further, have a colonoscopy. And then there’s the parenthesis , which may sound like an insect, but it's actually a boomerang shaped thing. The only punctuation that can be repeated are periods. Three periods in a row would be an ellipsis . Four periods in a row would be senseless . Thirty-four periods in a row would be funny, but not a good way to end a sentence. Never place two different punctuations beside each other, unless you want to make a sideways smiley face. Otherwise, the two different punctuations will start to fight and one of them will kill the other one, because there can be only one punctuation. They're aggressive little things and very territorial. And let’s not forget the exclamation mark , which would be a hyphen turned sideways and suspended above a period. And also the question mark , which is a crooked hyphen suspended above a period and looks kind of like a scythe or shepherd's crook. I know, there’s more punctuations than chins in a Chinese phonebook, but if you want to write, you have to master them all. Also, never use clichés. That’s for my personal benefit.

Step #7: How to make your writing make sense

Beware of the two no-no’s of writing. The run-on sentence and the sentence fragment . (I happen to love both of these and use them quite regularly, but this article is about how to write well, and not how to write like me.) The following is an example of a run-on sentence. “The armless man found it hard to wear a wristwatch for all he knew it was almost Summer.” See, that sentence should include a semicolon and a comma to make sense. Now let’s try it again with the correct punctuation. “The armless man found it hard to wear a wristwatch; for all he knew, it was almost Summer.” Okay, the sentence still doesn’t make sense, but at least it has all the correct punctuation, making it no longer a run-on sentence. Now here is an example of a sentence fragment. “Because he loved bananas.” To keep this from being a fragment or incomplete sentence, you have to add more. “His wife left him, because he loved bananas.” That is a complete sentence and an example of how loving bananas too much can ruin your marriage. Also, try not to write or type words twice. I do that that on accident sometimes. Another thing to remember, if you want your writing to make sense, is to mind your spelling . Becuase it impotant and you're reeders desirve the best fom you.

Those are the seven simple steps to writing and how you make to write more better. If you want to know more, here are a couple suggestions for continued reading..................................

 To learn more on how not to write, visit one of these piece of crap articles:

If you didn't find any useful information here, then please check these out. They can help to make you write more better or even betterer.

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    • Twilight Lawns profile image

      Twilight Lawns 6 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K.

      Very entertaining. I smiled a lot and laughed a bit (I'm by myself, and I try not to laugh when I'm alone because Nurse Smythe bangs on the door and asks if I've had my medication yet).

      I marked it UP and Funny... I hope you don't mind.

    • What Is Q profile image
      Author

      Adam 6 years ago from Tennessee

      Twilight, thanks a bunch for smiling and occasionally laughing. I'm glad I caught you before you took your medication, because I wouldn't want you to take all this too seriously. Your nurse sounds nice. I wish I had one around here to make sure I take my crazy pills. Thanks for marking this funny. I wasn't sure if it was or not.

    • Twilight Lawns profile image

      Twilight Lawns 6 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K.

      It certainly was.

      But I must warn you that Nurse Smythe may sound nice, but with a pack of medication under her brawny arm and pushing a tea trolley with cups of hot, steaming senna pod tea rattling along before her, she is a force to be reckoned with.

    • What Is Q profile image
      Author

      Adam 6 years ago from Tennessee

      Brawny, huh? I had a different picture in my head, but now you've completely ruined my image of her. I was thinking about all the hot nurses on TV shows and I was getting jealous. Although, a nurse with brawny arms would be more practical, since she would probably need to do some heavy lifting, if she was required to lift me in and out of the tub. A whole tea trolley? How much tea do you drink?

    • Twilight Lawns profile image

      Twilight Lawns 6 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K.

      Do people in the USA know the efficacy of senna pod tea?

      One doesn't need a lot. A tea trolley full can be classified as an Act of War.

    • Genna East profile image

      Genna East 6 years ago from Massachusetts, USA

      From the title on, this was a delight, Q. For me, I am haunted with the maxim: Do not forsake the power of your words to grammar and punctuation. It is an ongoing tussle with me that I still have yet to conquer. Great hub!

    • barbergirl28 profile image

      Stacy Harris 6 years ago from Hemet, Ca

      I am so glad finally someone taught me the correct way to hold a pencil... and for the life of me... I could never get my letters small enough to take up less then one page of paper. It was very difficult to write long works about my lamp without going through several notebooks all at the same time and trying to spell all the words when you only have one letter on each page.

      vote up. Opps, I forgot no fragment sentences especially those followed by a severally long sentence that is called a run on but really just has a bunch of words in there because I am finding it mildly amusing while I concentrate really hard on how to describe the lamp sitting next to me and write a hub about it although I am pretty sure I can't do half as well as you did on your little lamp blurb! (Deep Breath!) Which by the way was beautiful even if it was only about a lamp.

      I was going to tell you something... but I forgot what I was going to say! ;) I will go work on my punctuation now!

    • What Is Q profile image
      Author

      Adam 6 years ago from Tennessee

      Twilight- I don't even know what senna pod tea is. I buy my tea at McDonalds. I think America invented sweet tea (you're welcome) but I can't be sure of that fact. But I don't want to start a war with England, especially over tea again.

    • What Is Q profile image
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      Adam 6 years ago from Tennessee

      Hi, Genna. I always try not to use too much punctuation. I like my periods and commas and that's about it. I've sworn off semicolons (when properly used and not just to make smiley faces). So I don't claim to know how all these punctuations should be used, since I don't use 80% of them, anyway. I see you used a colon in your comment. I don't use my colon as often as I should. But I'll dust it off here and add it with a perenthesis. :)

    • What Is Q profile image
      Author

      Adam 6 years ago from Tennessee

      Barbergirl- I think learning how to hold a pencil in this day and age is kind of pointless. You just have to learn how to type, with at least one finger. Writing has become much easier since the Declaration of Independence was written. Now we can all write that fancy by just changing our font.

      By the way, you know I love sentence fragments, so feel free to use them on me whenever you want. They get me excited. For what's being said. Like the way that Captain Kirk talks. Short sentences. To the point, though. And thanks for letting me know there was something you wanted to tell me. I really appreciate that. ;)

    • Karanda profile image

      Karen Wilton 6 years ago from Australia

      The first thing this article tells me is, I never want to be invited to your place for breakfast if toast is on the menu. After that I get that your writing just gets better and betterer. Really enjoyed the read and the take on how to write. My, you have such a way with words, have you thought about becoming a professional writer? (Was that a run on sentence?)

      Thanks for the backlink. I thought that was a nice touch.

    • What Is Q profile image
      Author

      Adam 6 years ago from Tennessee

      Karanda- You don't want to eat anything I cook, period, just to be clear. I don't even like eating what I cook. If I invited you over for breakfast, you'd be the one cooking. I like my eggs over easy and my toast unburnt. Bring your own skillet.

      Yes, that was a run-on sentence. I love it. And I absolutley had to include your hub, since people really shouldn't be learning writing skills from me.

    • barbergirl28 profile image

      Stacy Harris 6 years ago from Hemet, Ca

      I personally think your brilliant... maybe not with your toast making skills but with your words. I had to go check out Karanda's hub that you backlinked... definately a good suggestion. Thanks for sending me there! :)

    • To Start Again profile image

      Selina Kyle 6 years ago

      Well, personally, I don't even think those perfectly round eggs taste as good. Its the imperfection that makes it all the better ;)

      And thank goodness for your hub, because I have been holding my pen wrong all this time...................................

    • What Is Q profile image
      Author

      Adam 6 years ago from Tennessee

      Barbergirl- You're welcome for the suggestion. I meant to add your hub about grapes, and you've reminded me that I forgot. So I must get right on that. I tried to put grape jelly on my toast, but it just makes the inside of the toaster really sticky. Now I just eat the toast by itself. :( I also burn popcorn. My cooking skills are limited to just burning things, I'm afraid. Which is why I eat a lot of cereal, because I can't screw that up.

    • What Is Q profile image
      Author

      Adam 6 years ago from Tennessee

      TSA- I'm taking that as a compliment to this hub, since it certainly has a lot of imperfections. You're the second person who's found this useful for learning how to hold a pen correctly. I'm glad I was able to help. It's actually the same way you'd hold a fork. I just realized that recently, when I had to write something down and grabbed a fork instead of a pen. I shook the fork, but apparently it was out of ink. I'm dumb.

      Are those 35 periods in a row??? lol. Yeah, I counted. Thanks for adding that.

    • swb78 profile image

      Scott Biddulph 6 years ago from Gainesville Georgia

      Great work once again my friend!

    • attemptedhumour profile image

      attemptedhumour 6 years ago from Australia

      Hey Adam, i didn't realise what an incompetent idiot i was until you pointed out all the things that i shouldn't be doing. I always get that fragmented sentence pop up every now and again which is a bit contradictory i know and now i know what it means to add too much in the way of expansiveness meanings don't need these are they?

      Thanks for the back link and thanks for entertaining me once again with your flowing humour. It works beautifully.

    • Themoontickets profile image

      Themoontickets 6 years ago from USA

      Very popular topic! it was interesting read about writing!

    • What Is Q profile image
      Author

      Adam 6 years ago from Tennessee

      Scott- Thanks a bunch for the encouragement. I'm glad my english teacher isn't on here to say 'don't encourage him,' because I happen to like encouragement. Thanks for dropping by, my friend.

    • What Is Q profile image
      Author

      Adam 6 years ago from Tennessee

      Keith- Right now you're an incomplete idiot, but if you take my advice, you'll be a complete idot in no time. I don't want you to change a thing about your writing. I don't even want you to stop using so many U's. I accept U's for who U's are.

    • What Is Q profile image
      Author

      Adam 6 years ago from Tennessee

      Themoontickets- It really is a popular topic. A lot of people on here write about writing and I figured I'd better get my two cents in, even if everyone's better off if I leave my two cents in my pocket. Thanks for reading and finding it interesting.

    • barbergirl28 profile image

      Stacy Harris 6 years ago from Hemet, Ca

      Thanks for adding one of my links... I hope alot of wierdos like me visit it so we can have more insane conversations ;) It helps me come up with other insane topics. I was thinking about how there aren't any Ugly Fat Vampires the other day... but that got ruined because of that ugly fat vampire Pearl in Blade ... I think I got the information right.

      I am also extremely excited that someone else found your tip on how to hold a pencil correctly. I know it has helped alot since I seemed to be on the computer so much lately that my eyes got sore and I had to revert to the good ole pen and paper version instead of the computer screen. (Stupid me for spending so much time in Answers section...lol)

    • What Is Q profile image
      Author

      Adam 6 years ago from Tennessee

      Stacy- I thought vamps only drank blood and actual food made them sick, but I might be wrong on that, but if it's true, then that's why there aren't any fat vamps, unless there's a lot of fat calories in blood, which I'm not sure if there is or not. I doubt it. But there's plenty of ugly vamps. I think the vamps in Twilight are ugly, but you might not share that opinion. But it would be an interesting read if you decide to research the matter, simply because I'm sure you'd make it interesting. ;) I used to write on my computer screen with a pen and I used a lot of Windex. But I finally caught on to this typing thing. Still not used to using both of my hands to write, though. It feels weird. And I keep turning the keyboard around every time I want to erase something. I'll catch on.

    • barbergirl28 profile image

      Stacy Harris 6 years ago from Hemet, Ca

      You bring up a very valid point --- although why is Pearl so big then. Although I guess anything in excess will make you fat. I can agree with you somewhat about the vamps in Twilight - although not on all of them. But maybe the movie is more irritating because the main character is too whiney and that is annoying. I will definately do a topic on vampires... so be prepared... I am going to quote you ;)

      I use all my fingers to type. I started with a good habit right off the back. Now, I can probably type close to 100 words per minute. Sometimes I actually type faster than I think... which means I have to turn my keyboard upside down to erase... and then I remembered that was how we did it back in the oldies! LOL

    • What Is Q profile image
      Author

      Adam 6 years ago from Tennessee

      Stacy- I don't care why Pearl's so fat, I just want to know why his name is Pearl. That seems weird, and I'm assuming it's a dude. No way to tell under all that fat.

      100 words a minute is crazy fast. I think I can do half that, but I guess that's just one of your many superpowers, huh. They should combine computers with Etch a Sketch, so we can just shake the screen and erase everything.

    • epigramman profile image

      epigramman 6 years ago

      ...well I just started out here at the Hub a few days ago .... a 'newbie' a rookie a hub-virgin if you will, and I am strugglin' with my first hub BUT when I arrived here and received your consultation - things really picked up 'almost overnight' and now I am 'really' prolific - thanks to you - and I am sure now that others here will be able to write better too - this is a very useful and helpful hub in so many ways for any aspiring writer - is it okay to bookmark your wisdom and inspiring thoughts into every virtual library in the cyber universe ??????? There!!!!!!! I'm out of breathe now!!!!!!

    • What Is Q profile image
      Author

      Adam 6 years ago from Tennessee

      Epigramman- Glad you found it all useful. Your comment sounds like one of those overjoyed customers on an infomercial. Really enjoyed it, so thanks a bunch. I don't know what bookmarks are. But feel free to do with my wisdom whatever you will. I'm not really using it. :)

    • cheerfulnuts profile image

      cheerfulnuts 6 years ago from Manila, Philippines

      Haha! What Is Q, you made me laugh again. I want to write about a lamp. Too bad I don't have one in my room! And I'll remember about the bananas ruining marriage. I love bananas and I'll eat as much as I can now, while I'm still single, til I get sick of them.

    • What Is Q profile image
      Author

      Adam 6 years ago from Tennessee

      cheerfulnuts- You could always write about your carpet. Or better yet, write about your love for bananas and your personal experience with them. Yeah, get your fill of bananas while you still can, because once you're married, you're going to experience a banana shortage. That is if you want to make your marriage work. Maybe you can find someone who loves bananas as much as you.

    • Hyphenbird profile image

      Brenda Barnes 6 years ago from America-Broken But Still Beautiful

      Q, this was so informative and enlightening. Now I am fully trained in the art of the pencil. Is that an ancient Asian warrior martial fighting stance? The write to bare arms and all that.

      And I have a Q (pardon my pun) about the vampires. If Pearl drank blood from an anorexic would he become skinny and count blood cells to avoid calories?

      Gotta go meditate on all this. See ya, Hyphenbird.

    • What Is Q profile image
      Author

      Adam 6 years ago from Tennessee

      Hyphenbird- Yeah, it's a form of the praying mantis, I think. It's quite deadly, only I think Asian warriors use sharpened chopsticks. As for your Q, I don't have an A for that. It's an interesting thought, though, and maybe someone will do a hub on the subject and enlighten us. Thanks for stopping by, Princess. Meditation's a good way to make yourself one with the pencil.

    • Hyphenbird profile image

      Brenda Barnes 6 years ago from America-Broken But Still Beautiful

      Started a Hub on the Vampire. Stay tuned. It will be ready tomorrow! The Princess and her royal pencil have the write connection.

    • What Is Q profile image
      Author

      Adam 6 years ago from Tennessee

      Hyphenbird- Awesome. Can't wait to get all that resolved. I need to know why this vampire is so fat. I've never thought about it before, but now it's keeping me up at night. Barbergirl's questions have a way of doing that to me. Is that a royal pencil or a wand? Either way, work your magic.

    • barbergirl28 profile image

      Stacy Harris 6 years ago from Hemet, Ca

      Now I need ot go check out the vampire hub... I definately want to know. I am just happy my questions aren't just keeping me up at night! LOL

    • Katharella profile image

      Katharella 6 years ago from Lost in America

      How'd I miss this! Oh oh oh, guess what, I can use both hands to write at the same time, but not in two different languages. I can write with one backward and one the correct way at the same time too! (Gloat gloat) I learned how to do that in school because school made me bored.

      Guess what else. ::guessing?:: "I" invented the thumb holes in shirts, and now I see them on tv (like Bella in Twilight -I'm team Edward, I think he's a hot Vampire but totally uncool he doesn't sleep in a coffin) Funny you mention that I just came from a Vampire hub. ANYWAY, Oh, I invented arm warmers, like the leg warmers in the 80's, which I loved, and are back in style, and Hellyweird took that from me too! Now I see kids are using socks to make arm warmers! So not fair! I wanted arm warmers because sometimes just my arms are cold and I don't want to wear a sweater because my back isn't cold cos I'm leaning against the chair. Maybe I'll write a hub about it.

      I'm wondering how many of my U accolades you're giving out! That's just not write Adam! Meanie:P Oh, just for that I'm going to correct some grammar!

      Ok, say I want to use a word in a sentence with a single quote, and quotes. (Or quote marks)

      I want to write a word "like say that needs a word with a 'single' quote mark but the rest of the sentence even a run on would have a quote mark at the end."

      I had to learn that in creative writing.

      Back to the Vampire thing. I don't know if I've ever seen a fat Vampire, although Bela Lugosi wasn't exactly skinny, but then again he flew around quite a bit so probably worked off some calories! My other favorite Vampire is Barnabas Collins from Dark Shadows. You might not know of him since you weren't born yet. The show had to end, because there were no people left to bite and all the other monsters had been covered so Dan Curtis ended the show. I was sad. But I hear they are remaking them.

      Ever since my journalism classes and creative writing classes I too gave up on it. Well, for one, I knew I'd never get to write for Elle magazine because I dressed too much like Ann Hathaway, in the Devil Wears Parada.(before they make her doll up.) But I didn't want to move to NYC either.

      Now about your toast. Just set the timer on it and maybe it'll make you not burn it. Look for a little button that says "timer" and that's probably it.

    • RealHousewife profile image

      Kelly Umphenour 6 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      Uh the 9 year old took my iPad and clicked on this....I heard her mutter "duty" and giggle hysterically .......you have a new fan! LOL

      Also she has honed her pencil skills - thank you! Too funny! I gotta hide this before she clicks on some of your other hubs!

    • What Is Q profile image
      Author

      Adam 6 years ago from Tennessee

      Stacy- I can't tell you how many nightmares I've had about grapes. Grapes with faces and screaming my name. And then you brought up that Pearl character, and now he's in my grape nightmare. Nothing's more terrifying than a fat vampire stomping on grapes and asking, Which one are you? It's horrible. I haven't slept in 3 days because I don't want to see that, anymore.

    • What Is Q profile image
      Author

      Adam 6 years ago from Tennessee

      Kathy- I'll try to reply to everything you just said. First off, that's cool. I'm jealous. Second, I never would have guessed that. Third, I've only given one U accolade. Fourth, "Grammer" can suck it. Fifth, Johnny Depp will be playing in the movie Dark Shadows. Sixth, I'm the one who dresses like Anne Hathaway. And seventh, thanks for the toast making tip. But my toaster doesn't say timer. It doesn't say anything at all, it just burns my toast and then laughs.

    • What Is Q profile image
      Author

      Adam 6 years ago from Tennessee

      Realhousewife- I always suspected that I was writing on a 9 year-old level, and this only proves it. I'm glad she got a giggle out of it. You might want to go to your parental control settings and restrict my stuff. And tell her she can't tell knock knock jokes until she's 21. The urge will be gone by then.

    • RealHousewife profile image

      Kelly Umphenour 6 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      Well if I walk away to say - take the penne pasta out of the boiling water - she sneaks in and starts poking around. She is a very precious child! Her name is Madison and we call her Mad Dog, then we have Sydney a/k/a Syd Vicious. I hope to God there's nothing to that self fulfilled prophecy theory;)!

    • Katharella profile image

      Katharella 6 years ago from Lost in America

      Yes, I know Depp is playing Barnabas in the upcoming Dark Shadows, just figured you didn't care for details. And I love Anne Hathaway movies. Of course your toaster laughs at you, it's probably the only fun it gets all day! And I know you don't give two shits for grammar, I was being sarcastic and trying to annoy you! :P

      What about grapes, does it have anything to do with Jack the Ripper and his grapes luring women into his carriage?

    • barbergirl28 profile image

      Stacy Harris 6 years ago from Hemet, Ca

      No - grapes are purely about the fact that they live a torturous life... they are there purely for the want to be eaten and consumed by stomach acid. I am sure my article on it has terrorized many... ha ha! I still think about it regularly! LOL Now thanks to Adam I am goign to envision Pearl stoming on the grapes to make me some wine. If I am lucky, the Booty Pop will not sneak into the dream as well... cause that is downright fearful. Pearl, stomping grapes while wearing a Booty Pop! I just shivered a little. LMAO!

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      Kelly Umphenour 6 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      BBG - if you really do LYAO - you've got that booty pop!! Lol!

    • barbergirl28 profile image

      Stacy Harris 6 years ago from Hemet, Ca

      Ha ha - at least I do have back up!

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      Kelly Umphenour 6 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      DANCE! Too much booty in the pants!

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      HattieMattieMae 6 years ago from Limburg, Netherlands

      Ha Ha very nice way of putting things, and nice story!

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      Adam 6 years ago from Tennessee

      Kathy- The last thing I need is for Jack the Ripper to be in my grape nightmare. Not unless he can actually lure some women in there, too. It'll get a little crowded, though. Pearl takes up a lot of space as it is. He's starting to look like a giant raisin.

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      Adam 6 years ago from Tennessee

      Stacy- Thanks for bringing up Booty Pop. Pearl's booty wasn't really big enough as it was.

      Lol @ RealHousewife. You've got a point.

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      Adam 6 years ago from Tennessee

      HattieMattieMae- Thanks! But don't pay any attention to anything I say. I can't even make toast.

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      ltfawkes 6 years ago from NE Ohio

      I paused at the section describing the side effects of reading this article before reading further, and was relieved to see that bloody stool wasn't one of them.

      After having read further, may I be the first to groan publicly at your line, "the write to bare arms." Okay, before it made me groan it made me laugh.

      Nice hub.

      L.T.

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      Kelly Umphenour 6 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      Tee hee he Itfawkes!

      He said, well you know - "bloody stool" lol!

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      SarahLinny 6 years ago from Philadelphia, PA

      Hi Q, I won't lie, I have a mild form of an attention disorder and only read the first half of your article and then I just looked at the pictures. You lost me when you said D is not for dasypoedes, because I thought it was. However, I plan to read the rest because I thoroughly enjoyed the first half. :) So much so that I am commenting. I'll probably finish it this afternoon when I discover this tab is still open and remember that I liked it. Continue your writing, please.

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      Katharella 6 years ago from Lost in America

      Well, Adam, Jack the Ripper supposedly used grapes to lure women in his carriage. (well, not just any women but prostitutes) so I don't think you need that kind of woman since one is waiting on you :) Hopefully she can make toast for you or maybe a face will show up on it and you can sell it on an auction site lol.

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      Adam 6 years ago from Tennessee

      Itfawkes- Yeah, you don't have to worry about the bloody stool thing. However, hallucinations are a side affect of this hub, so you might see some strange things if you look back in the toilet. Maybe a giant spider. But don't worry, it's not real. And I, myself, groaned at the bare arms thing. I figured other people would as well.

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      Adam 6 years ago from Tennessee

      Sarah- Well, you read more of it than I would have on my own free will. I was forced to read the entire thing as I wrote it. But the pictures are definately the best part. I looked at them, myself. And learned absolutely nothing from the actual hub.

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