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How to Battle the Closet Monster

Updated on September 27, 2013
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Jeannie has been writing online for over 10 years. She covers a wide variety of topics—hobbies, opinions, dating advice, and more!

The Enemy at Home

I've read numerous articles about zombies. Everyone is out to get zombies. People, for some reason, are extremely concerned about the Zombie Apocalypse. Too much time and energy is spent on plotting against them. I daresay people are focusing their attention on the wrong enemy. My friends, we need to pay more attention to our own homes. There is a very real threat already lurking in everyone's lives: the closet monster.

I realize some of you may find this hard to accept. Of course, yes, zombies are so believable, but the closet monster? Perhaps you stopped believing in the closet monster when you were a young child. Maybe you've stopped noticing evidence the closet monster really exists. However, ask yourself this question: do you go to sleep with the closet door open? No? Of course you don't. The reason why you sleep with the door shut is simple. Deep down inside, you know the closet monster still lives in your closet. You know better than to keep that door open. The threat is real and the time to battle against that monster is now.

Learning More About the Closet Monster

Before you can start to battle against the closet monster, you must first get inside his head. You have to learn what motivates this monster. Why is this monster in your closet and what does he really want from you?

First, it is important to understand the closet monster has only one real agenda. The closet monster wants to steal your socks. No, he does not want to steal a pair of socks. That would be too convenient for you. He wants to really get under your skin. The closet monster likes to steal just one sock from a pair. When you can never find the one lonesome sock that is missing from a pair of socks, you know the closet monster has struck. Certainly, you must be wondering what the closet monster does with these socks. Well, the answer is quite simple.

The closet monster likes to wear mismatched socks on his ears. He has extremely long, unattractive ears. It is quite embarrassing for him. The closet monster's ears are similar to a rabbit's ears, except with scales. He is really horrifically ugly, but the socks help a lot. He enjoys wearing the mismatched socks because he likes to annoy you. The closet monster is jealous of you and your ability to walk in any store to purchase socks. He doesn't want you to have nice matching socks. Yes, he is a pretty evil little booger.

What You'll Need for Battle

What You Can Do to Scare Him Off

Aside from getting rid of all your socks, there is really only one way to win a battle against the closet monster. For some strange reason, closet monsters hate hits of the 1980s. I know, I know - how crazy is that? Everyone loves the music of the '80s. Correction - everyone EXCEPT closet monsters love music hits from the '80s.

So what can you do to keep your closet monster away? You need to start jamming some 1980s music as loud as possible. Play that music near each closet. The closet monster will not be able to handle the torture and he will run to someone else's home. I've found that closet monsters especially hate Bananarama and Prince. Yes, what kind of creature hates such wonderful artists? Obviously we are dealing with something that is pure evil.

What You Can Do to Keep the Closet Monster

Every now and then a person comes along that enjoys the company of the closet monster. There are just some folks out there that do not care about petty things like matching socks. Also, some people are OK living a life without '80s music. That does not sound like much of a life to me, but to each his own. Furthermore, closet monsters love Halloween parties and are often the life of the party as long as you don't play any Prince or Bananarama.

You might be wondering how you can keep your closet monster happy. As it turns out, closet monsters love to watch American Idol. This is very strange indeed, but since many of the performers butcher the songs anyway, closet monsters don't even realize if music from the 1980s is being featured. They enjoy every moment of American Idol. Why yes, they even enjoy Hollywood Week! Most Americans would rather gouge their own eyes out before they watch Hollywood Week, but closet monsters love it. What strange little monsters!

If you do not like American Idol, it is best to at least turn it on in one room of your home and let it play for the closet monster. Trust me, he will come running. If at all possible, try to get some old American Idol episodes. Closet monsters are especially fond of Simon Cowell. They find him to be hilarious. I guess this is one thing the closet monsters and I can agree on.

May the Battle Begin

After reading this hub, surely you must feel you are ready to battle the closet monster with just a CD player or an MP3 player. You are prepared for success. If you really want to drive out the closet monster in a short period of time, find some Simon Cowell posters and mark through his face with giant red X's. This will upset the closet monster and he stands no chance of winning the battle. However, this infuriates some closet monsters and you may find all your best socks are missing. It is best to hide your favorites before the war between you and the closet monster begins. If you end up without any socks at all, even if you get rid of the closet monster, are there any real winners? I don't think so.

So good luck to you! I feel you are ready to go out on your own now. Just remember to stand tall and be brave. I am proud of you; you are now a closet monster warrior!

Further Proof the Closet Monster Exists


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