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How to Perform an Exorcism in Your Spare Time

Updated on September 20, 2013
Jeannieinabottle profile image

Jeannie is a huge fan of Halloween and loves everything that is ghoulish. You can often find her reading or writing horror stories.

Welcome to Your New Hobby

Hello there! Looks like someone is interested in learning all about exorcisms. Well, I can't blame you. Learning how to exorcise demons and evil spirits can be an extremely rewarding experience. It can bring you closer to fun and interesting new beings. You can also come one step closer to your own demise. For all you know, the exorcism could go terribly wrong and what a crazy little adventure you'll have when that happens!

Since you are still reading this, I suspect you are truly interested in learning how to perform exorcisms in your spare time. Sometimes it will seem like you are interested in such a mundane, boring hobby, but I believe you will find it interesting once you begin your lessons.

Reasons to Become an Exorcist

If you are reading this, I suspect you are already on board with the idea of becoming an exorcist. If not, and you need some reasons as to why you should learn how to perform an exorcism in your spare time, check out some popular reasons:

1. A demon keeps pestering your friend. Stupid demons! Demons are always trying to bring people down. If you care about your friend, but you've been unable to find a priest to help the situation, you might need to take matters into your own hands. After all, someone needs to take action before your friend's head turns around backwards.

2. You need to fulfill your community service requirement. Perhaps you just got out of jail or maybe you are dodging a jail sentence, but you need to perform community service. There is also the possibility you need community service credits for school. Well, what could be more charitable than performing exorcisms? Probably nothing at all! So, why not learn some awesome exorcism techniques and serve your community?

3. You need a new hobby. I mean, obviously this is the type of activity one should consider when he or she needs a little excitement. Sure, other people take up stamp collecting or knitting, but that isn't for you! You are ready to exorcise some demons.

4. You are considering charging money and getting business cards with "The Exorcist" listed on them. In these tough economic times, it can be a challenge finding the "right career" for many folks. Why not start your own business? It is time to start performing exorcisms for a cost. After all, sometimes the church won't step in and help people that are possessed. Just because a person can't speak in a foreign language or levitate off the bed doesn't mean there isn't a possession. You are actually a really great person to step up to the challenge.

How to Perform an Exorcism

OK, so I am really not an expert in performing exorcisms, but I've seen enough horror movies and paranormal reality shows to give some practical advice. Here is a step-by-step guide to learning how to perform an exorcism:

1. You need to rent some movies about exorcisms. If you are truly committed to the process, you might even want to buy these movies. Some movies you should check out are The Exorcist, The Exorcism of Emily Rose, and The Last Exorcism. These movies will help you greatly, so I suggest you watch all of them at least twice. If you watch them three times, you are an exorcism superstar!

2. Now that you've watched those movies, see if you can get your hands on some other important educational tools, such as the entire boxed set of the show Paranormal State. They are forever performing exorcisms and it looks pretty cool, so I am sure they must be totally legit.

3. It never hurts to refer to the bible. OK, I am not a religious person and I am not trying to offend anyone, but in most movies the exorcists scream some passages from the bible, so you are going to have to do this. I am sorry. I don't make the rules.

4. If you can get some holy water, it seems like that would be a good idea. If not, maybe you can fake it by running some tap water through a Brita water filter. Either way, you are really giving this whole exorcism thing your best shot, so you should be proud.

5. Find someone or something that is possessed. By now, you are pretty much an expert at this whole exorcism process, so go out and find yourself a person who is possessed. Also, you can sometimes find objects that are possessed. If you are nervous your first time around, you might want to find a possessed inanimate item. Usually antiques are going to be your best bet.

6. Using all the information you've learned from watching movies and TV shows, begin to perform the exorcism. Obviously this seems like a foolproof plan. I can't imagine what could go wrong in this situation. Of course, if by some chance things do start to go wrong, I would highly recommend running for your life. Another important tip to remember is DO NOT CONTACT ME! If you've made it this far and you think I have any idea what I am talking about, you are so wrong! RUN!!!

DISCLAIMER: Never Take My Advice

In general, I am a rather snarky little brat. Please don't take this hub seriously. It is all in good fun and probably in bad taste. If you honestly believe you are possessed, my friend, this is not the place for you. To be serious, the folks on Paranormal State actually might be able to help you. Their site is the Paranormal Research Society site. Check them out and please don't post angry comments on this hub. Good luck!

Copyright ©2012 Jeannieinabottle

This is not how your exorcism should go...


Submit a Comment
  • Jeannieinabottle profile imageAUTHOR

    Jeannie Marie 

    8 years ago from Baltimore, MD

    I am always happy to help. Times are tough, but people never stop being possessed, so there is always work out there in that field. I do think exorcisms can get a little messy at times too, but best of luck to you! Maybe you can get your own paranormal reality show. Thanks for checking out the hub!

  • Sharyn's Slant profile image

    Sharon Smith 

    8 years ago from Northeast Ohio USA

    I have such a hard time finding a decent job recently. And thanks to you, I now have a brilliant idea. Times are tough and you gotta do what you gotta do. Heck, I've already went the route of caregiving for the eldery (which can be messy) and also cleaning hotel room toilets. What the heck! When I become famous, I owe it all to you.

  • Jeannieinabottle profile imageAUTHOR

    Jeannie Marie 

    8 years ago from Baltimore, MD

    I am happy you enjoyed it. Now you will have a new, exciting hobby for your free time. Just run from the evil spirits if they try to get you!

    No problem about the hub. I love that one. I am glad you got activity and new followers because of it. I am amazed at how much traffic a hub gets just from posting it on Hub Hoppers on Facebook. :-)

  • Cogerson profile image


    8 years ago from Virginia

    A very funny hub. Your sense of humor really comes through this hub. I enjoyed reading about performing exorcisms in my spare I know what to do during nap

    I also want to thank you for sharing my Starkist Man Heinken Lady brought that hub the most activity it has seen in many months, as well a few new followers....thank you for such a nice is greatly appreciated and I will be sure to return the favor.

  • Jeannieinabottle profile imageAUTHOR

    Jeannie Marie 

    8 years ago from Baltimore, MD

    Thanks! I am glad you liked it. I am sure the exorcism business will see a real increase in revenue now that I've published this extremely informative hub. Hehe.

    Thanks for the vote up!

  • molometer profile image


    8 years ago from United Kingdom

    DISCLAIMER: Never Take My Advice PMSL

    This is a great read and excellent advice for anyone wanting to set up in the biz!

    They don't know anything about exorcism either lol

    Funny hub voted up and SHARING the horror!

  • Jeannieinabottle profile imageAUTHOR

    Jeannie Marie 

    8 years ago from Baltimore, MD

    Thanks for the advice. I will give that a try tonight. Wish me luck!

  • WD Curry 111 profile image

    WD Curry 111 

    8 years ago from Space Coast

    The only way to get rid of it is drop some Mintos in a Pepsi and drink it real fast.

  • Jeannieinabottle profile imageAUTHOR

    Jeannie Marie 

    8 years ago from Baltimore, MD

    I never thought of it before, but I do know some kids that might be possessed by demons since they are so bad. Perhaps an exorcism would help. Thanks for the vote up and voting for beautiful. I don't get that one too often. Hehe.

  • alocsin profile image

    Aurelio Locsin 

    8 years ago from Orange County, CA

    Love it! Great way to start the day. I suspect if you'd tried everything to solve behavioral problems, especially in your kids, and they haven't worked, this is the way to go. Voting this Up and Beautiful.

  • Jeannieinabottle profile imageAUTHOR

    Jeannie Marie 

    8 years ago from Baltimore, MD

    WD Curry 111 - Now I understand why I felt an overwhelming desire to write this hub. Thank you for helping me out. Guess I need to follow my own advice and learn how to get rid of this evil that possesses me.

    Austinstar - Wow, that sounds so creepy! It was a sign not to watch that movie. One time, when my parents and I went to see the original "The Fog" at the drive-in, the fog was so thick we couldn't see the actual movie. We had to get a raincheck.

    Cloverleaf - Yes, perhaps Hub Hoppers needs an exorcism. I am actually surprised I was able to come up with this much material for the hub. When I went to write it, I thought, "But wait... I don't know the first thing about performing an exorcism. Uh-oh." Thanks for the vote and the share!

    tsmog - Grab that EMF detector and look for those spirits and demons now. Hopefully, everyone will appreciate the humor in this.

    Thanks everyone for reading and for the comments!

  • tsmog profile image

    Tim Mitchell 

    8 years ago from Escondido, CA

    I'm laughing aloud a bit Jeannie. Having a bit of fun, some seem to doubt, others wonder, and most say hurmmmph. My natural reaction to things that get me nervous is incessant laughter - (note: I'm still laughing). I'm gon'na get my emf meter and double check for ghosts now, 'they're back.' (Great hub and awesome. A fun read. Nice to have good humor about.

  • Cloverleaf profile image


    8 years ago from Calgary, AB, Canada

    This was soooooo awesome! I'm glad you made the decision to write it. I think that you and Sunshine625 should team up and give drama an exorcism lol. Voting up and sharing.

  • Austinstar profile image


    8 years ago from Somewhere near the heart of Texas

    I tried to watch the Exorcist at a drive in and lightning hit the screen. I decided to give exorcising demons a wide berth after that. Too bad I hadn't traveled to the future and read this hub. The world would be a better place now. Mwahahahaha

  • WD Curry 111 profile image

    WD Curry 111 

    8 years ago from Space Coast

    There are some things that are better not to joke about. It was a demonic suggestion that you followed to write this hub. Now you are in danger of attracting weird comments.

  • Jeannieinabottle profile imageAUTHOR

    Jeannie Marie 

    8 years ago from Baltimore, MD

    Thomas, damn it, I knew I was going to hell. Oh well. I kind of figured on that anyway.

    The Practical Mommy - Yes, those water filters do work wonders. I don't know where I would be without mine. Thanks for the votes!

    weestro - Cheap vodka, huh? I will have to keep that in mind. Thanks for the advice and the vote up!

    Charles Hilton - Ouch! That sounds like a typical mother-in-law for you. Good thing you got that divorce.

    American View - Thanks! I wouldn't have had the nerve to do it without my Hub Hoppers' support. I am happy to know I'll have company once I arrive in hell. Thanks for the votes, too!

  • American View profile image

    American View 

    8 years ago from Plano, Texas

    I am so glad you took out advice and wrote it. So what if you got to hell, I will need company when I get there. Good hub, funny, up and awesome across the board. ( knew you could do this one)

  • profile image

    Charles Hilton 

    8 years ago

    I tried your techniques on my then mother-in-law, but, when she levitated and vomited in my face I opted for divorce, instead. lol

  • weestro profile image

    Pete Fanning 

    8 years ago from Virginia

    #4, hilarious! If it's good enough for cheap vodka, it's good enough for demons! Voted up!

  • ThePracticalMommy profile image


    8 years ago from United States

    Wow. I guess those Brita filters really do purify water...and to think that this can all be done as a community service project!

    Voted up and funny! ;)

  • ThoughtSandwiches profile image


    8 years ago from Reno, Nevada're going to hell.

  • Jeannieinabottle profile imageAUTHOR

    Jeannie Marie 

    8 years ago from Baltimore, MD

    Yes, 3 comments so far and no one has told me I am going to hell... yet! Woo-hoo! Thanks for the comments.

    Thomas - Yes, this is a little awkward. Sorry the hub isn't more useful. But yeah, I would say go with coffee. That might work out for you. Good luck!

    Sunshine625 - Demons do need to be stopped. I am glad you understand the importance of such a hub. Thank you for sharing this with others who may be possessed.

    cclitgirl - Yes, a lot of people don't realize just how awesome water from the Brita filter can be. Thanks for the vote up! :-)

  • cclitgirl profile image

    Cynthia Calhoun 

    8 years ago from Western NC

    Hahahaha...holy water and Brita filters. :D Very whimsical and witty. Voted up. Death to evil!!

  • Sunshine625 profile image

    Linda Bilyeu 

    8 years ago from Orlando, FL

    Jeannie this hub is VERY useful! Demons need to be stopped! Evilness can't win. Some people are more vulnerable then others and could get caught up in traps. An exorcism is what is needed! This hub is genius. I'll be sure and share it with others who might need some assistance.

  • ThoughtSandwiches profile image


    8 years ago from Reno, Nevada


    Well this is awkward...I was half-way through my exorcism when I come to find...You are JUST making this up?? So...yeah...the Demon Blarbsburb is pretty pissed. So...I do not have Holy Water...will cold coffee work as well?

    This is a fine mess you have gotten me into my friend...

    "I cast you out!!" Yeah...he's not impressed. I guess I can stop worrying about not having a date for Valentine's Day....



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