- Entertainment and Media
How to Perform an Exorcism in Your Spare Time
Welcome to Your New Hobby
Hello there! Looks like someone is interested in learning all about exorcisms. Well, I can't blame you. Learning how to exorcise demons and evil spirits can be an extremely rewarding experience. It can bring you closer to fun and interesting new beings. You can also come one step closer to your own demise. For all you know, the exorcism could go terribly wrong and what a crazy little adventure you'll have when that happens!
Since you are still reading this, I suspect you are truly interested in learning how to perform exorcisms in your spare time. Sometimes it will seem like you are interested in such a mundane, boring hobby, but I believe you will find it interesting once you begin your lessons.
Reasons to Become an Exorcist
If you are reading this, I suspect you are already on board with the idea of becoming an exorcist. If not, and you need some reasons as to why you should learn how to perform an exorcism in your spare time, check out some popular reasons:
1. A demon keeps pestering your friend. Stupid demons! Demons are always trying to bring people down. If you care about your friend, but you've been unable to find a priest to help the situation, you might need to take matters into your own hands. After all, someone needs to take action before your friend's head turns around backwards.
2. You need to fulfill your community service requirement. Perhaps you just got out of jail or maybe you are dodging a jail sentence, but you need to perform community service. There is also the possibility you need community service credits for school. Well, what could be more charitable than performing exorcisms? Probably nothing at all! So, why not learn some awesome exorcism techniques and serve your community?
3. You need a new hobby. I mean, obviously this is the type of activity one should consider when he or she needs a little excitement. Sure, other people take up stamp collecting or knitting, but that isn't for you! You are ready to exorcise some demons.
4. You are considering charging money and getting business cards with "The Exorcist" listed on them. In these tough economic times, it can be a challenge finding the "right career" for many folks. Why not start your own business? It is time to start performing exorcisms for a cost. After all, sometimes the church won't step in and help people that are possessed. Just because a person can't speak in a foreign language or levitate off the bed doesn't mean there isn't a possession. You are actually a really great person to step up to the challenge.
How to Perform an Exorcism
OK, so I am really not an expert in performing exorcisms, but I've seen enough horror movies and paranormal reality shows to give some practical advice. Here is a step-by-step guide to learning how to perform an exorcism:
1. You need to rent some movies about exorcisms. If you are truly committed to the process, you might even want to buy these movies. Some movies you should check out are The Exorcist, The Exorcism of Emily Rose, and The Last Exorcism. These movies will help you greatly, so I suggest you watch all of them at least twice. If you watch them three times, you are an exorcism superstar!
2. Now that you've watched those movies, see if you can get your hands on some other important educational tools, such as the entire boxed set of the show Paranormal State. They are forever performing exorcisms and it looks pretty cool, so I am sure they must be totally legit.
3. It never hurts to refer to the bible. OK, I am not a religious person and I am not trying to offend anyone, but in most movies the exorcists scream some passages from the bible, so you are going to have to do this. I am sorry. I don't make the rules.
4. If you can get some holy water, it seems like that would be a good idea. If not, maybe you can fake it by running some tap water through a Brita water filter. Either way, you are really giving this whole exorcism thing your best shot, so you should be proud.
5. Find someone or something that is possessed. By now, you are pretty much an expert at this whole exorcism process, so go out and find yourself a person who is possessed. Also, you can sometimes find objects that are possessed. If you are nervous your first time around, you might want to find a possessed inanimate item. Usually antiques are going to be your best bet.
6. Using all the information you've learned from watching movies and TV shows, begin to perform the exorcism. Obviously this seems like a foolproof plan. I can't imagine what could go wrong in this situation. Of course, if by some chance things do start to go wrong, I would highly recommend running for your life. Another important tip to remember is DO NOT CONTACT ME! If you've made it this far and you think I have any idea what I am talking about, you are so wrong! RUN!!!
DISCLAIMER: Never Take My Advice
In general, I am a rather snarky little brat. Please don't take this hub seriously. It is all in good fun and probably in bad taste. If you honestly believe you are possessed, my friend, this is not the place for you. To be serious, the folks on Paranormal State actually might be able to help you. Their site is the Paranormal Research Society site. Check them out and please don't post angry comments on this hub. Good luck!
Copyright ©2012 Jeannieinabottle
This is not how your exorcism should go...
More Absurd Paranormal Hubs:
- 10 Signs You Are Living in a Haunted House
If you are hearing something strange go bump in the night, you'd better learn the 10 signs you are living in a haunted house. You might need to pack up your stuff and go!
- A Bumbling Idiot's Guide to Ghost Hunting
If you are ready to go ghost hunting, this is the hub for you. Check out some great pointers so you are not a bumbling idiot like the guys on TV.
- How to Battle the Closet Monster
You know he is there... waiting for you to forget and leave that closet door open one night. When you least expect it, the closet monster will be upon you! You better get prepared to battle the monster now.
- Let's Put an End to Zombie Prejudice
Don't be a total jerk and mistreat zombies for no reason. We must end zombie prejudice right now!