50 Rules That Would Be Included If Life Had An Instruction Manual
Remember those Instruction Manuals?
Put everything you are doing, aside, just for a moment. Think back to when you were a youngin'. For some of us, this will be an easier task. All right, the background is a cold winter day. The snow is falling and the wind howling. It is a perfect Christmas day, and you are excited to open up your last present from good ol' Santa! In eager anticipation, you rip apart the beautiful wrapping paper as if it was threatening the contents inside.
To your excitement and joy, it is the exact toy you had been wishing for. Maybe St, Nicholas is a psychic after all! So, you grab the the toy with forceful hands, shocking your parents that you haven't broken it! Maybe it is a Gi-Joe, Lego set, train set, video game, or a Build-a-Bear. Sorry, I am a guy and couldn't think of any exciting things a girl would want, so I threw in the Build-A-Bear. The next thing you do is look for that instruction manual so you can learn how to assemble your brand new toy. Wouldn't it be hard to assemble that train set if you didn't have the manual?
Now, let's fast forward back to the present time. If toys have instruction manuals, shouldn't life have one! I think so, and that is why I have attempted to come up with 50 things that should be included in the manual of life. I hope you will enjoy this list as I know I have!
Enjoy Life!
Signing Up For HubPages?
Would you like to fuel your passion for writing? Perhaps you enjoy writing humorous articles like this life manual or maybe you like writing poetry or fiction. Whatever you like to write about, you can sign up right here! It is fast, free, and easy to do!
Other Funny Lists I have Published
50 Rules for Life's Instruction Manual
1. Don't try to outdo a woodchuck. You will lose miserably and your teeth will hate you for life!
2. Don't go swimming in an aquarium, especially one with sharks. I have heard that they wouldn't appreciate it.
3. Don't dive into a pool without water.
4. Don't dive into the shallow end of a pool, unless you are Michael Phelps. I am sure he could get away with it.
5. Don't drink and drive!
6. Don't challenge the roadrunner to a race! You will lose by a long shot and will have to face the humility every time you hang out with him. The roadrunner will never let it go, at least this is what I have heard.
7. Don't attempt to cross the border without a passport, especially if you have illegal goods in the trunk.
8. Don't swim in a thunderstorm. I have heard that lightning and water are not a good combination!
9. Don't stick your fingers in the hot tub jets.
10. Don't grab a knife or sword by anything but the handle.
11. Don't flip off the Mafia, they don't appreciate rude actions such as these.
12. Don't take your personal beauty nap in the middle of a high-traffic road. In fact, don't sleep in the road EVER!
13. Don't juggle hot coals. I have heard they can get very hot!
14. Don't mistake poop for melted chocolate.
15. Don't stand under a tree while it is being cut down! When you hear the word TIMBER, definitely do not be standing under a tree, because it could be the one falling down!
16. Don't mistake a girl for being pregnant. This can only bring about an awkward proceeding conversation.
17. Don't play soccer with a porcupine!
18. Don't drunk call your ex-girlfriend.
19. Look both ways before you walk across a four lane highway!
20. Before you cross a four lane highway, ask yourself this question: "Why am I crossing a four lane highway?" Sometimes thinking things through can save a whole lot of trouble.
21. Don't chew on pens. One of my friends in high school did this, and it leaked all over her, including inside her mouth. True Story!
22. Don't eat poisonous berries!
23. Don't play patty-cake with a jelly fish. I have heard that they can be dangerous! Also, how would they play this game with no hands?
24. Don't attempt to walk through a screen door. My brother has tried this and it doesn't work.True Story!
25.DON"T FORGET YOUR WEDDING DAY-PERIOD! (I figured that this would be a good halfway rule)
26. Don't put your hand in a lion's cage.
27. Don't run over a beehive with the lawnmower. In fact, don't run over a beehive with anything!
28. Don't throw yourself down the lane with your bowling ball. I have heard that Fred Flinstone has tried this without much success.
29. Don't try to show off to your friends by stealing the cheese from the mousetrap.
30. Don't jump down a flight of stairs. I have done this and broke my arm in the process. True Story!
31. Don't go shopping on Christmas Eve.
32. Don't touch a stove top while it is on. I have heard this can be very painful!
33. Don't walk under a ladder.
34. Don't listen to Justin Bieber.
35. Don't rip off the soda tab. It could fall in the can, and you might end up swallowing it on accident. This has happened to me before. True Story!
36. Don't touch poison ivy!
37. Don't pour salt or pepper in your eyes.
38. Don't chase a bear into the woods to get that close up photo you have always dreamed of.
39. Don't bathe in gasoline!
40. Don't escape into jail.
41. Don't lick dry ice!
42. Don't for any reason microwave yourself. You are hot just the way you are!
43. Don't feel the flame coming out of a flamethrower! In fact, why are you even handling a flamethrower!
44. Don't chew Tylenol!
45. Don't shave with your lawn mower.
46. Don't tie yourself to a propeller for some air flow. I am sure you can you can find a different way to cool down!
47. Don't chew ABC gum, it is not healthy!
48. Don't breathe in car exhaust.
49. Don't drive over a thin layer of ice with your brand new Mercedes. Just give the car to me, I can take good care of it for you!
And last but not least...Drumroll Please!...Waiting...Waiting....All right then, no drumroll I guess.
50. DON'T GET MARRIED!
Two Bonus Rules For This Life Manual
1. Don't make a recipe for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and expect to win the Recipe Contest of June 2012. I heard someone tried this and it failed!
2. Don't get addicted to HubPages!
Necessary Disclaimer Regarding This Life Manual
All right everyone, I feel it necessary to present to you this disclaimer. There will be someone who, upon reading this, will venture out and attempt to do some of these things. I strongly advise against it! Do not try these things at home, in fact don't try these things out anywhere!
Since I am a nice guy, I will let you break two of these rules!
#34- If you really want to listen to Justin Bieber, I will grant you the permission. I have to admit, his songs can be catchy. (I can't believe I just admitted that online to the masses!)
#50- I will also grant you the permission to get married!
Christian Kane's Manual of Life Rules
Comments
5, 16 and 32 are essential ;-)
These rules are right on the spot and so funny lol I'm glad billybuc recommended your hubs; I had a good laugh with this one. Number 34 laughed both my socks and head off! Unfortunately, the sad truth is my sister (12) is in love with Justin Bieber and I'm taking her to his concert. I won't listen to him, but I'll be watching and listening my sis melting and screaming and all...
It's like he knows.
Josh so funny.. I heard you were gone for a while? I sure hope you are coming back.. It would not be the same without you..
sharing
Debbie
Michael Phelps is part dolphin. Also, I would never listen to Justin Bieber. Hilarious!
I suddenly remembered my promise on the day you won the hubbie award for this hub that I will come over and read it. Here I kept my word. An engaging & hilarious hub! You are probably the first hubber that made me laugh aloud! # 21 is true in my case - Not Me; it's my school classmate & friend. He was thrilled when our country team won one of the cricket matches and painted himself, including his mouth with blue ink - blue is the dress color code of India cricket team! I recalled this last year at my another friend's birthday party and we all laughed, including this friend of mine! A fetching hub! Again congrats on the win! Way to go, Josh!
Thanks for SHARING. Funny, Awesome & Interesting. Voted up
I wish I would have known 16, 21, 22 (only mushrooms not berries), 24, 32 and 44 as a child. Wow... I broke a lot of rules as a child ^_^ I don't know which was worse... eating poisonous mushrooms because I was a stupid 5 year old who thought the ones growing in the lawn were the same as the ones my mom puts in salads or running into the slide glass door during my older sister's sweet 16 ^_^
I'm not surprised you won a hubbie award! It's wonderful. I hope you're planning a sequel! Voted a whole bunch ^_^
I am shocked that I somehow missed this hub....and you won the 2012 Hubbie Award....Congrats, Josh!! This is a great, fun read!! Thanks for the advice. I'll try to keep my manual close by!
Congratulations Josh, a very well deserved award - Good onya Mate!!!
- AUTHOR
Heyya Linda,
LOL, thanks for the congratulations! :)
-
-
I'm having Josh withdrawals. Stopped by to say "heyya" and congrats again on your Hubbie Award! :)
- AUTHOR
TLW,
Thanks for the visit! I am glad you thought it was funny! :)
Josh, this was comical pal! Great idea and great manual. Since I failed on manual rule 50, you should write a manual for those of us that have cause I wish there was one to read! Awesome job Josh!!
- AUTHOR
mejohnson,
Eh, it depends how badly do you want me not to be kidding about that one? :)
- AUTHOR
dghbrh,
LOL thanks so much! Glad you got a good laugh out of this one! :)
- AUTHOR
nanderson500,
Yeah, that is a good one! :)
- AUTHOR
Christy,
Good to see you Christy! Yes, I do too! :)
Darn, you were kidding about #50?!?
wowww Josh....ha ha ha...well laugh done..oh no...well job done....hats off......no 21...thinking and cracking up....no 27....oh yeah never should be done......ha ha ha....no 40.....huh...forget it ...actually everything is just so necessary to assemble life......and disclaimer clause....too good. You are awesome. all votes up for this and shares as well:-)
Good stuff, I liked the one about mistaking poop for chocolate.
I like the bonus rules the best! :)
- AUTHOR
Rajan,
Thanks buddy, glad you enjoyed it! :) Thanks for the votes Rajan!
-
-
- AUTHOR
girishpuri,
Thanks, glad you like my writing! I was kidding! :)
Quite and interesting and funny read Josh. I must have done quite a few of these "don't do" things. Wish I had this manual then ! Lol!
Voted up, funny and awesome.
josh love the way you write and why unmarried...lol, hubpages is full of beautiful girls of all ages....lol, awesome share, thanks
- AUTHOR
Gypsy,
Thanks friend! Glad you enjoyed this one! Thanks for sharing Gypsy, you are too kind!
- AUTHOR
Rahul,
Thanks bud, glad you enjoyed this hub! I had a lot of fun with it! :)
Voted up and funny. Josh this is terrific. If I followed these rules closely I should be set for a long and healthy life. Fantastic. Keep them coming. Passing this on.
I would never listen to Justin Bieber for sure... well I can brother that you have learnt a lot in quite a short span of time..... I have been on many of your rules here... haha....
Great hub man...(chuckles )
- AUTHOR
Chloe,
Thanks, glad you enjoyed it! I love adding disclaimers! :) LOL
I voted up! This is a very funny Hub :) And I love that you threw in the Do Not Try These disclaimer because you know someone is going to do just that, lol.
- AUTHOR
Mundane,
Yes, that is so very true!! :)
Hey, you can learn a lot from Seinfeld, every episode has a do and don't lol
- AUTHOR
phoenix,
Thanks so much for stopping by and congratulating me! :)
Absolutely hilarious. You truly deserved a Hubbie.
- AUTHOR
Mundane,
Awesome addition I love Seinfeld!! :)
- AUTHOR
Mike,
Thanks so much for your awesome feedback and comments on my hubs bud! You are so encouraging! Loved your comment about hubbing LOL Thanks for the comliment on my humor as well, much appredciated!
Don't double dip the chip lol, George Costanza learned the hard way lol
Yet another hilarious classic hub of your Josh, wow!
I love number 27, and 35 the most, because safety is paramount while hubbing, and trying to gasp for oxygen, because you haven't drank any water in hours, or even wen't to the bathroom yet, LOL.
You're a true comedian if any have ever existed, and its possible you may even end up on television some day with this level of silly, but realistic jokes, that are no joke at all if people are careless enough to not abide by them.
Nice one bro! I already shared it, and its getting voted up on all levels indeed. Bam!
- AUTHOR
Becky,
Thanks Becky, glad you liked this funny hub! :)
- AUTHOR
Seafarer,
Thanks glad you liked it! Thanks for the congrats as well!
Always entertaing Josh!
I must admit though it kinda reads like the "idiot" warnings on many products. Half the time when I read the warnings I am shocked to think people tried such and such so many times that the company felt it needed a warning...overall....loved it!!!
~Becky
Hey Josh,
Fun hub! It's obvious that you had fun writing it. Fun photos and video. Congratulations on your well-deserved hubbie award, too!
- AUTHOR
kj force,
Thanks for the congrats and your hilarious response! Upside down handle bars? Too funny!
- AUTHOR
Chrissie,
Thanks so much Chrissie! :)
- AUTHOR
Hedocurus,
Whoops! :) LOL
Josh3418..Absolutely loved the hub..congrats on your win...should have read this before I started out this morning...too many touched home..funny, but my husband has a folder with ALL manuals that ever came with toys for our kids, still in the plastic . You would be surprised how a kid can learn to ride a bike without a seat and upside down handle bars...
Love it! Congrats on winning the hubbie award!
You left out "Don't stick beans up your nose"
- AUTHOR
Marlene,
Thanks for reading Marlene! Glad you found it hilarious! :)
- AUTHOR
Kelly,
Thanks Kelly! Glad you enjoyed it! :)
"Better read the house rules!" That is my favorite line in the cool song you provided - A nice touch and truly added to the experience of reading your very hilarious hub.
Hey Josh! Very interesting list. Glad I'm not that crazy about chocolate, that was gross! Love It!! Thumbs up!
- AUTHOR
Maria,
Thanks so much Maria! I am so surprised I won it!
- AUTHOR
Daisy,
Thanks for the congrats! No need to be sorry! :) LOL
I am coming back a few weeks later... Even funnier, sweet Josh!
A big ole CONGRATS and will be adding your award to your interview soon! Hugs, Maria
Lol great hub! And congrats on the hubbie. I agree with most even the Bieber! I broke 50 already though sorry!! lol!
- AUTHOR
Suzie,
Thanks so much for the congrats Sue! Thanks for the encouragement and support!
- AUTHOR
Cogerson,
Thanks buddy! I appreciate your compliment, and I will keep it up! LOL
- AUTHOR
vespa,
Thanks for the congrats! Appreciate your compliment here as well!
- AUTHOR
Made,
Thanks for the congrats Made! Glad the intro captured you, that was my goal! :)
Hi ya josh, CONGRATS buddy on your hubbie!! Well deserved and I am thrilled for you, you are a very talented "so and so", as we sometimes say here! How'd I miss this hub???
Fab from start to finish . . . . love mistaking poop for melted choc??????!!!!
closet Justin fan , you are full of surprises!!lol
Thanks a million for all your support and enthusiasm my friend, appreciate it always.
Voted this masterpiece up up and Shared (maybe one or two left that have'nt read it yet!)
Just wanted to stop by and check out your award winning 2012 hub...I can see why this won the Funniest Hub of the year....I am very happy for you .....keep up the good work....congrats again.
Congratulations on your Hubbie award! No wonder this hub was awarded with the title of funniest. Once again, I'm flabbergasted by your look into the psyche of women. : ) Voted up and shared!
Congrats on winning the hubbie award! After reading this hub I can see why. :) I don't do #34. I haven't done #50. I really liked #42. I agree with all things, even that the little girl on the photo was too precious not to add. I loved the introduction. It really got me captured.
- AUTHOR
Thomas,
Thanks buddy! Oh no, you played the patty-cake game with the jellyfish???!!! LOL Thanks!
- AUTHOR
Linda,
Thanks so much Linda, and congrats to you too!
- AUTHOR
Suzette,
Thanks Suzette! I am glad you enjoyed it! :)
- AUTHOR
g-girl,
Thanks for the congrats! Glad you had a good laugh, and that is why I added the necessary disclaimer, hehe.
- AUTHOR
redwards01,
Haha, I think the same thing as well! LOL Thanks for the congrats!
- AUTHOR
Millionaire,
Thanks so much!!
- AUTHOR
Kelly,
Thanks so much Kelly! LOL :)
Josh,
WTG buddy! As it happens...I'm embarrassed to admit that this would have come in handy had I read this prior to that ill-advised patty-cake game with that jelly fish. Oh sure...it started out all fun and games...
Congrats!
Thomas
WTG Josh! A well deserved Hubbie for you! :)
Congratulations on the Hubbie Award - you are very deserving - this is hilarious. Next - SNL!
Congrats on the Hubbie Award! You made me laugh..but I'm not sure I agree with number 50! :)
Not sure wether to follow these rule or take them as a challenge. I've done a few of these and think I can do more. Great hub by the way and congrats for winning a Hubbie award.
Congratulations on the Hubbie award. Well deserved!
Yay Josh! What did I tell you? Huh? lol
- AUTHOR
Keith,
Thanks so much for this awesome compliment! You rock Keith!
I really must appreciate you for this very informative hub on the don't in life. Rule #50 truly speaks out to me; it is very informative and straight to the point LOL :)
Congrats on winning the funniest hub! This definitely deserved it :)
- AUTHOR
penlady,
Glad you had a good laugh!
These are hilarious! It's great midday entertainment while passing the day away.
Voted up and funny.
- AUTHOR
GMA,
Thanks, glad you enjoyed it! Yes, that is why I added the disclaimer, it was just for a joke :)
You had me til the end - I could not disagree more! Love being married.
Delightful hub!
- AUTHOR
Marie,
You are definitely welcome, anytime! :) I have several more hubs like that.
hahahah...thanks for making me laugh!!!!
- AUTHOR
Aubrey,
Thanks for reading and great addition!
You have a great sense of humor, Josh. Love it. I have one for you.
51. Don't call a woman "sir" unless you're absolutely sure!! True Story! lol. Catch you around.
- AUTHOR
catgyspy,
Thanks for commenting, and I am thrilled that you enjoyed it! Have a good one, take care!
Very funny Josh! I laughed my way through it, which is always a pleasure. Thanks for lifting my spirits.
- AUTHOR
Maria,
Thanks appreciate your funny response Thanks for your encouraging comment!
Thanks for your votes and hugs back at you! :)
Are you joshing me, Josh?
Rumor has it that Bieber has Mafia connections...so don't be flippin' him off like that...!
You are adorably funny and your writing makes me smile, thank you.
Voted UP & FAB. Hugs, Maria
- AUTHOR
Trinity M,
LOL, haha thanks for that hilarious comment! Great start to my day! Thanks for the votes!
Great fun. I enjoyed all 49 of your instructions… I was about to contact the mafia about #50 but caught your addendum just in time! LOL. Thanks for the laugh. Voted up and funny.
- AUTHOR
Mhatter99,
LMAO, always leave it to you for the hilarious responses! Thanks! I seriously should of thrown that in there!
You forgot this one: BREATH :))
- AUTHOR
Suzette,
WOW, that was anwesome comment! You just made my night! Can I vote up your comment and share it like a hub? LOL That was so nice of you to say, I really appreciate it!
josh: I have just been laughing out loud over this hub! This is a great list. Your imagination and creativity is hysterical. I needed a good laugh today, too. Thank you!!! You are one of the best hubbers to happen to HP since I've been here!!! Your sense of humor is wonderful and I wish I could write hubs like this. You are very, very talented and you should be sending these hubs to SNL. Bravo!
- AUTHOR
neelesh,
LMAo, thanks for that funny response! Glad you enjoyed it!
141