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Movie Spoiler - The Marine

Updated on May 15, 2010

Movie Spoiler - The Marine

The United States Marines evidently had One Good Man too many; John Cena plays former Marine John Triton who was "asked" to resign from the Corps. Perhaps they no longer made uniforms to span his mighty shoulders. Maybe keeping him in steroids was busting the budget. Triton and his wife (Kelly Carlson) find themselves caught up in an action-adventure movie in the swamps of South Carolina. Jewel thieves kidnap Ms. Triton for potential use as a hostage. They would have been better off poaching a hive of African killer bees and hiding it down their pants. The ex-Marine hunts them down and kills them in cinematically gratifying ways.

Mr. Triton simply should not be messed with. His muscles have muscles. His angular jaw could be used as a T-square. You wouldn't want to run into him in a dark alley because you'd probably break your nose on his immense pecs. The man simply cannot be hurt. In the opening murder/mayhem/explosion montage at the ManZe gas station, a bad guy whams him square in the mug with a fire extinguisher. The impact knocks him off his feet but leaves not a trace on his face. The gas station explodes into a horrific inferno all around him, but the hem of his skin-tight T-shirt is barely singed.

Ms. Triton possess a similar measure of super-hero qualities. Despite being kidnapped and repeatedly pounded by the (obligatory) female member of the gang, she remains as fresh as a South Carolina swamp daisy. She knows that despite her kidnappers' automatic weapons and bloodthirsty milieu, her former Marine husband will hunt down and kill anyone who looks at her sideways. She is secure in her marriage like no other woman in history.

In a cartoon violence chase scene that would embarrass Itchy and Scratchy, escaping bad guys riddle a police vehicle with automatic weapons. The (ex) Marine somehow avoids gunfire at highways speeds. His unfortunate Camaro absorbs enough lead to shield a nuclear blast but Triton holds up a bullet-proof vest with one meaty hand whenever the bullets get too close. The hood is shot off, the bumpers fly away, and the doors look like metallic Swiss cheese. The unfortunate car ends up performing a physically impossible arcing twisting ramp jump as the kidnappers empty more clips into the undercarriage. Triton executes a Olympic quality triple Salchow before his Detroit iron bursts into flame and drops into the swamp. The man simply cannot be killed.

Movie Spoiler - The Marine
Movie Spoiler - The Marine

Throughout the movie, John Triton/Cena deploys the gamut of his facial expressions; glowering and grinning. Almost always he selects the more appropriate of the two. He smiles at his wife and generally glares at everyone else. Viewers may wonder if he is actually upset over the abduction of his wife or annoyed that his vacation was interrupted. Only if the movie had been filmed at Home Depot could the acting have been more wooden.

Along with 92 minutes of your life that cannot be recovered, the movie provides a second double-cross. The wooden police investigator is actually in cahoots with the wooden jewel thieves. It all works out in the end because kidnappers, thieves, crooked cops, and unfortunate swamp-bound escaped convicts all experience brutal extermination at the muscular hands of The (ex) Marine.

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    • maven101 profile image

      maven101 

      8 years ago from Northern Arizona

      nicomp...There are former Marines...no " ex " Marines...Hilarious review about a movie I will studiously avoid...Thanks, Larry

    • profile image

      Graced 

      8 years ago

      Dude, This was a GREAT REVIEW! I loved this movie and your review. You sir, ROCK!

    • nicomp profile imageAUTHOR

      nicomp really 

      8 years ago from Ohio, USA

      @drbj: No one nicks The Marine!

    • drbj profile image

      drbj and sherry 

      8 years ago from south Florida

      What an exciting, suspenseful(?) review! I can't wait to see this movie, nicomp. Oh, wait, I have seen it - perhaps eleventeen times. Some nights it is the only movie advertised on my cable TV set.

      I watch it anyway hoping that maybe on one of those viewings the Marine might be nicked. No luck yet.

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