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Movie Spoiler - Twilight

Updated on March 24, 2010

Movie Spoiler - Twilight

    Incredibly coiffed teens inhabit the murky border between humans and vampires. Brooding clear-skinned middle-class generic folks hanging out in foggy old growth forests and going out for Starbucks populate the wildly popular movie Twilight. They break each others hearts in between cans of pomade and black nail polish. Brandishing fangs plucked from the closeout table at Spencer's Gifts, dull-witted high school dropouts play slap and tickle while their parents think they are twittering on the free wireless at Panera. They tread the fine line between bloodthirsty immortality and 11PM curfew.

It's all fun and games until someone falls in love outside their species.

     Are we supposed to fear a vampire named Edward? Surely Edward Scissorhands intimidated because his hands were... razor sharp cutting tools, but this Edward presents as the guy who might be doing your taxes next April. He simply doesn't have the evil qualities we prefer in our blood thirsty villains. He's pretty. We can't decide if vampirism is inherently evil or just really good for the skin.

    So Edward ends up with a caring nurturing suburban vampire family, but he's still not happy. His family is a freak show of supernatural talents; you'd think that the dinner conversations alone would be enough to keep him entertained. One brother predicts the weather, another writes copy for TV infomercials, and his sister runs a web site for aficionados of Zhu Zhu Pets. His Mom and Dad come from a long line of well-respected vampire families. Note: this may not be entirely accurate. I was bitten by a spider during the plot exposition.

    In a huge plot twist, Edward falls in love with a human girl. No one saw that coming. Teenage vampires typically spend all their time with radio-controlled airplanes, I guess. We learn that Bella learns that Edward is not your normal high school pretty boy. Bella discerns this when Edward stops a speeding car with his hair helmet in the school parking lot. Danger lurks at every turn.

Movie Spoilers - Twilight

This could go one of two ways. Bella could run screaming back into arms of the star quarterback, or she could embrace the vampire lifestyle. The former would suffice for a Very Special episode of Wizards of Waverly Place, but this is the real world. Bella insists that unscary Edward turn her into a vampire. She demands to know the web site from which he orders his hair products. She gets downright hissy. A real manly vampire would fly back to his cave rather than deal with her static. Who wants to put up with that for all eternity? At least bats don't insist on knowing why you didn't call last night.

    As if demanding to be bitten isn't enough, Bella requires constant protection from all manner of danger. Trouble clings to her like foam on a Venti Hazelnut Latte. Edwards watches his GPA plummet as he spends inordinate amounts of his immortal time executing rescue missions. College options dwindle for our toothy anti-hero. Hopefully the school counselor received combat pay.

    Twilight teaches us that Edward Toothymouth is no dummy. Should he relent and chomp on Bella, he would be stuck with her for all eternity. Bella is considering a scholarship to play volleyball at Bryn Mawr; Edward hopes for acceptance at the Air Force Academy. If he can keep his incisors to himself, he may have a shot at a long distance breakup during the Summer of their senior year. Sequels appear on the horizon because very few of the main characters manage to get stakes through their hearts.


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    • nicomp profile image

      nicomp really 7 years ago from Ohio, USA

      @Silver Poet: very funny! You can post it as a hub and stick the link here if you wanna.

    • Silver Poet profile image

      Silver Poet 7 years ago from the computer of a midwestern American writer

      LOL! Witty. I wrote a short story about how a very naive young woman accidentally befriends a vampire who is sitting on a park bench, and who 1. spills chicken and garlic soup on him, 2. tells him he needs to see an orthodontist, 3. drops a crucifix necklace into his hand, 4. accidentally and unknowingly mentions words like "stake", "bite", and "suck you dry." It is meant to make light of the culture's mad and seemingly unthinking rush towards the Twilight series.

      Good hub.

    • nicomp profile image

      nicomp really 7 years ago from Ohio, USA

      @drbj: you are so nice!

    • drbj profile image

      drbj and sherry 7 years ago from south Florida

      nicomp - your similes are things of beauty.

      These phrases should be gilded - no, golded - for posterity.

      "Trouble clings to her like foam on a ... latte?"

      Your sorta-like-metaphors ain't bad either: "... stops a speeding car with his hair helmet."

      I can hardly wait till you describe the second in a round of endless sequels: "New Moon."

    • nicomp profile image

      nicomp really 7 years ago from Ohio, USA

      @lmmartin: Excellent query. Another hub topic?

    • lmmartin profile image

      lmmartin 7 years ago from Alberta and Florida

      Excuse me for asking, but how do vampires (those dead and now living again) have children? (And seeing as they live forever, why would they want to?)

    • Tom Whitworth profile image

      Tom Whitworth 7 years ago from Moundsville, WV


      Back in my day vampires were very scary like Bella Logosi. I used to sleep with covers around my neck. I even practised waking up fast and making a cross with my fingers.