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100 Great Quotes and Sayings

Updated on June 23, 2015

Everyone's got funny sayings, quotes or something, right? Yeah, I thought so!
Maybe you already have a saying or know some funny quotes. Well feel free to tell me some of them, but either way, here are a few quotes I like.


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1. Ok, so my halo slips every now and then… but… nobody’s perfect…

2. We came as strangers, we became friends, and we left as family.

3.  Potter, Take Wesley with you, he looks far too happy over there.

4.I've lost my sanity. No I'm taking yours.

5. Blondes have more fun, but brunettes remember it the next day.

6. An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but if the doctor is cute; screw the fruit.

7. Stairs: The drunk’s natural enemy.

8. When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life a thousand reasons to smile.

9. A friend will give you an umbrella when it rains… a true friend will steal your umbrella and yell “run loser, run!”

10. The only people you need in your life are the ones who prove they need you in theirs.

11. For everyone who thinks they know me... I forgive you.

12. Do you think it’s because we’re awesome? I think it’s because were awesome!

13. Do one brave thing today… then run like hell.

14. The best things in life are unseen; that’s why we close our eyes when we kiss, cry and dream.

15. Don’t hit kids, No, seriously, they have guns now.

16. Sarcasm: The body’s natural defence to stupidity.

17. Stand up for what you believe in, even if it means standing alone.

18. You’ve got enemies? Good, that means you’ve stood up for something in your life. -Eminem

19. They all said " A black man will be president of the United States when pigs fly!" ; 100 days into Obama's ruling... swine flu...

20. Why does life keep teaching me lessons I have no desire to learn ?

21. The main reason why people like to be around me is cause I make 'em all smile!

22. Every tall person needs a short friend so they can laugh when their friend wears high heels and they're still taller.

23. Somewhere between all our laughs, long talks, stupid little fights and all our jokes... I fell in love...

24. I may not be perfect, but parts of me are pretty awesome.

25. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

26. Im right 90% of the time, so why worry about the other 4%?

27. I smile because I have no idea what is going on.

28. The stuff you hear about me may be true, but it may also be as fake as the one who told you.

29. When people say “Expect the unexpected,” doesn’t that mean the unexpected is expected?

30. Since history never stops.. when does the future begin?

31. You'll never become "Old and wise" if you're never "Young and crazy"

32. Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?

33. Sometimes I wonder... "Why is that frisbee is getting bigger...?" Then it hits me...

34. Old enough to know better, Young enough to do it again.

35. Your face makes my head hurt.

36. People may walk in and out of your life, but only a few leave footprints on your heart.

37. My house was clean last week, you just didn't come in time.

38. No, I'm not starring at your butt, I'm admiring your back jean pockets.

39. The opera ain't over 'till the fat lady sings!

40. You're not drunk if you can lie of the floor without holding on.

41. Puritanism. The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

42. Boy, n: A noise with dirt on it. - Mark Twain

43. They keep saying the right person will come along down the road... I think a truck hit me.

44. I don't understand white crayons, Why are they here? What do they want form us!?

45. If people were meant to POP out of bed, we'd all sleep in toasters.

46. Never do anything that you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics.

47. Be nice to me, I might be your nurse some day!

48. I run with scissors, It makes me feel dangerous.

49. Some days I love you, but other days I want to sell you to the mob.

50. When life gives you lemons.. Squeeze them in someone's eye and run away really, really fast.

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Everyone loves to laugh, it makes life a little more light.

51. Hold your lover like you would a football; Soft, but firmly.

52. I seriously suggest you back off, because I'm having one of those days where I seriously want to kill someone. (:

53. Note to self: It is illegal to stab people for being stupid.

54. Don't worry what people think, they don't do it very often.

55. I'd tell you to go to hell, but I work there and I don't want to see you everyday.

56. Best friends: They know how stupid you are and still choose to be seen with you in public.

57. Last night as I laid in my bed, looking up at the stars and sky, I wondered to myself... Where the heck is my ceiling!?

58. The word "bed" actually looks like a bed.

59. They never suspect the short one.

60. I'm probably the coolest dork you'll ever meet.

61. If I'm in the closet, Your below me trying to get the "bat" out of the basement.

62. A man is driving south on a highway. A woman is driving north on the same highway, As they pass each other, the woman yells out the window "PIG!" and the man yells out "B!TCH!". The woman shakes her head and sighs. The man turns a corner in the road and rams into a pig. Lesson: If only men would listen sometimes.

63. Whoever said anything was possible obviously never tried slamming a revolving door..

64. Mirrors don't talk, and lucky for you, they don't laugh either.

65. Never forget what people say when they're mad, cause that's when the truth comes out.

66. Sometimes it's best to not question me, just help me dump the body in the river.

67. Not only do I trip down stairs, I trip up them as well; now that takes talent! And don't even get me started about flat surfaces!

68. Be a rebel; open the wrong side of the popcorn bag!

69. I know the voices are not real... but they have some really good ideas.

70. They say I have ADD, but... HEY LOOK OVER THERE!

71. "Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss." - Douglas Adams

72. When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep --not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

73. You miss 100%of the shots you never take. - Wayne Gretzky

74. If you were a Transformer, you'd be Optimus Fine.

75. Old people hugging is like younger people making out. - Lucas Christopher Caughill

76. "In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on." - Robert Frost

77. If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean 1 out of 5 actually enjoy it?

78. Two snowmen are standing in a field. One says to the other, "Funny, I smell carrots too."

79. Snowmen fall from heaven unassembled.

80. “Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.” - Albert Einstein

81. Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things. - George Carlin

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82. I'm not random, You just can't think as fast as me.

83. I called your boyfriend Gay, and he hit me with his purse.

84. Alcohol doesn't solve problems, but then again.. neither does Milk.

85. A guy broke into my house last week, he didn't take the TV, just the remote. Now he drives by and changes the channel. Jerk.

86. You remind me of a penny, because you're two faced and worthless.

87. "Crowded classrooms and half-day sessions are a tragic waste of our greatest national resource - the minds of our children." - Walt Disney

88. My soul was removed to make room for all this sarcasm.

89. Sarcasm sure beats killing people!

90. Swearing is a strong sign of a weak mind trying to express itself forcefully.

91. You know things are going bad when you're in the white van.. and there's no candy.

92. Bacon is bacon. Eggs are eggs. Don't let a boy between your legs. They say you're cute& fine, but 9 months later they say the baby ain't mine!

93. Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if only one remembers to turn on the light. Lumos. ~ Albus Dumbledore

94. Only the stupid housefly follows the dead man to the grave.

95. Concentration comes out of a combination of confidence and hunger.

96. And then I took an Arrow to the knee.

97. I want to make a Facebook account and name it 'Nobody' so that when I like some post, it would say Nobody Likes This.

98. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

99. How much does a Hipster weigh? An Instagram.

100. If you polish a turd, it's still a turd.

I Noticed You've Stayed Here Long Enough to Read Them All.. Why Not Read Some More Interesting Hubs?

You could read about Sherlock Holmes !
You could read about Facebook ?
You could learn about Parkour! The sport of running up walls, jumping in a single bound from building-to-building and then doing a flip!
Or, Simply read some Hilarious Rage Comics that will make your day.

Hey You!

I've made another hub full of amazing quotes!

Click Here! :)

Leave A Comment... Or tell me one of your quotes/sayings! (P.S. There's More To Read Below!)

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    • profile image

      raadhikajain 5 years ago

      I hate work....

      I hate workoholics ......

      I hate myself........................

    • profile image

      cray cray 5 years ago

      Reality continues to ruin my life. -- Calvin

      Presidency: The greased pig in the field game of American politics. -- Ambrose Bierce

    • profile image

      krazy karen 5 years ago

      Don't fall in'll stick to ur face

    • profile image

      yoshidawg50 5 years ago

      How about... "Never enter a stranger's van. Unless they have free candy. Because everyone loves free candy!" XD

    • profile image

      daniel ofori 6 years ago

      it is only the stupid housefly that follow the deadman to the grave.

    • profile image

      Charrity 6 years ago

      I read all of them even though i took forever.Niw my head hurts :(

    • profile image

      anonomus (cnt spell) 6 years ago

      lol i these

      nom 40 should be a test the poliece do !

    • profile image

      jam 7 years ago

      that was fun

    • weightlossprogram profile image

      weightlossprogram 8 years ago

      no 25 is true

    • 17Bree profile image

      17Bree 8 years ago from Southern Ontario

      Lol, thanks ! :)

    • Lissa Lynn profile image

      Lissa Lynn 8 years ago from upstate NY

      #15 is hilarious! Nice job :)