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Top 20 Reasons NOT to Have Children

Updated on October 27, 2013

I don't have children yet, but I do want to. However, I like to decide things by Pro/Con list, so here are the top 20 reasons NOT to have children from my Con list.

  1. Babies cannot change their own diapers. And they will rarely do you the favor when you're 85.
  2. The mystery of jam hands will never be solved. It is an accepted universal law that all children will have sticky hands from 18 months to 4.5 years of age.
  3. Children may be used as free labor, however, don't expect it to be useful labor. Good luck getting the crayon out of your nice white collared shirts after you teach Jimmy to do the laundry.
  4. Kids have a habit of saying all the wrong things at all the wrong times. "I'm not 'under 12,' Mom. I'm 13," right when you're about to buy tickets and 'kids under 12 are free.'
  5. According to every parent I've ever met, kids behave much better around everyone but their parents.
  6. Children cost money. They eat it, drink it, play with it, poop in it, waste it, borrow it, spend it, wear it, and ask for it.
  7. Having a baby means I have to start hanging out with other parents. And some parents are weird. Like the moms that still breast feed their kindergarten-aged children. (That's just something no kid should have memories of).
  8. PTA meetings suck. 'nough said.
  9. Babies grow up to be children and children grow up to be teenagers, and everybody knows teenagers are the biggest pains in the butt.
  10. Nobody will like me if I board an airplane with a screaming child.
  11. If my pre-teen runs away, it's considered neglect not to try to find them. Even if I'm glad about his decision. Best to avoid run-ins with the law.
  12. It's been said that near-death loved ones can sometimes "hold out" until they see someone they love, reach some milestone, etc. Wouldn't you feel guilty if great-granny passes at the sight of her first great-grandchild?
  13. My children will probably resent me. Especially for choosing to hand-make all of their clothes (I can't really sew that well) and forcing them to wear onesies until they enter Kindergarten.
  14. I will probably resent my children for preventing me from doing all the awesome things I hope to do that I probably wouldn't have done even if I hadn't had kids.
  15. It will be hard to go from watching whatever movies I want to watching only G rated movies and cartoons I can't stand.
  16. Sibling rivalry isn't nearly as fun when you aren't one of the siblings.
  17. I like to try new foods. Kids can be picky. I don't want to fight about dinner and I am NOT making PB&J for dinner for the next 10 years of my life.
  18. If my kids turn out bad, everyone will blame me. Even if it is totally not my fault. I mean, how could I have anything to do with their lack of respect for adults??
  19. Grocery shopping with children is 10x more painful and takes 3x as long.
  20. And to top it all off, children will NOT take care of the dog no matter what they promised.

Check out the other side of the Pro/Con list in my Top 20 Reasons to Have Children.


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