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Simon Cowell's Balls Inadvertantly Accepted Into The Smithsonian

Updated on January 19, 2012
English Walnuts image courtesy Wikipedia.
English Walnuts image courtesy Wikipedia.

Pop Mogul Simon Cowell's Family Jewels In Jeopardy

District of Columbia, USA :Earlier this morning in an unprecedented press release from the Smithsonian Institution curator Brett Nickelsonwardtion announced Simon Cowell's testicles had become the sole property of the world's largest museum complex and research organization.

It seems council for the producers of the oft ballyhooed American Idol series had convinced Cowell to insure various parts and appendages of his body for an undisclosed but purportedly massive payout. His chin alone is rumored to be worth it's weight in truffles, his right middle finger is said to be worth as much as a Malaysian fishing village. Cowell's genitalia were said to be valued somewhere in between.

During a veritable blitzkrieg of insurance paperwork exchanged between Cowell's media giant Syco and the insurance mogul Dick Blumberbuss, affidavits laying claim to the well being and perpetuity of Cowell's testicles were incidentally shuffled into a different sack of papers, as it were, meant for insuring 50,000 year old Native American Arrowheads. Blumberbuss was last seen leaving the United Kingdom carrying huge duffel bags full of Euro's allegedly worth over four American dollars.

"The day the court order for Cowells testicles dropped on my desk I was elated. " Beamed Nickelsonwardtion. As per the date of this printing it was unclear where the balls would be housed. According to Nickelsonwardtion, "the Natural History Museum, the Sackler Gallery, and the National Zoo are all viable possibilities. Rumors of the mummified nuts being displayed beside the Apollo 17 Lunar Touch Rock in the Air & Space museum are completely unfounded but may warrant further research."

Mr. Simon Cowell was unavailable for comment but according to his agent the media giant planned to hold onto his balls as long as any proper English gentleman does.

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    • Ben Zoltak profile imageAUTHOR

      Ben Zoltak 

      7 years ago from Lake Mills, Jefferson County, Wisconsin USA

      Thank you Laura, whether you are talking about my hub article or Cowell's balls regardless, thanks for reading.


    • Laura in Denver profile image

      Laura Deibel 

      7 years ago from Aurora

      Cute, I like!

    • Ben Zoltak profile imageAUTHOR

      Ben Zoltak 

      8 years ago from Lake Mills, Jefferson County, Wisconsin USA

      Thanks GL, for encouraging this madness. Crude but off the cuff. I've been working on an art hub for a few months now, first time I've had one stump me for so long, sort of log jammed the rest.

      Here's to the nuts!


    • Green Lotus profile image


      8 years ago from Atlanta, GA

      What a glorious comeback Ben. I crave more, crude or not. Oh I have missed your wonderful words. Couldn't care less about Simon as he is far less talented, but the walnuts look delicious.

    • Ben Zoltak profile imageAUTHOR

      Ben Zoltak 

      8 years ago from Lake Mills, Jefferson County, Wisconsin USA

      Sunforged, thank you for recognizing the importance and not just the double-entendre of the Sackler gallery. Only you could wrastle some seriousness out of my farce!

      Thanks for reading, it's always and honor.


    • Ben Zoltak profile imageAUTHOR

      Ben Zoltak 

      8 years ago from Lake Mills, Jefferson County, Wisconsin USA

      Thanks Mike, the vices of obligation have been relived a bit around here, so out comes the verbiage! One step at a time, thanks for reading bud, glad you had a chuckle. As the bathroom sign reads: I aim to please, you aim too please.

      Not sure of the context of that last remark but there you go!



    • sunforged profile image


      8 years ago from

      The Sackler Gallery is a delightful location, its so easy to get lost in all the folds and hidden places throughout.

      Thanks for bringing this wonderful event to light, its been in the dark for far too long.

      I heard some random painters , Blue Period is housed there

    • Mike Lickteig profile image

      Mike Lickteig 

      8 years ago from Lawrence KS USA

      Ben, you certainly made a triumphant return to HP and, as much as I have spent the last few minutes trying to think of a witty comment in response, none is forthcoming. I did get a good chuckle out of this. Thanks and welcome back.


    • mythbuster profile image


      8 years ago from Utopia, Oz, You Decide


    • Ben Zoltak profile imageAUTHOR

      Ben Zoltak 

      8 years ago from Lake Mills, Jefferson County, Wisconsin USA

      Hello hello hello! Mr. C's family jewels may or may not be very interesting it's true, hopefully, I will never know! Thanks for the welcome back!


    • Hello, hello, profile image

      Hello, hello, 

      8 years ago from London, UK

      Well hello, Ben, where have you been. Long time no see. Now regarding your hub, do I have to be interesting Simon Cowell prized possession?

    • Ben Zoltak profile imageAUTHOR

      Ben Zoltak 

      8 years ago from Lake Mills, Jefferson County, Wisconsin USA

      Thank you Miss Vlah, I wholeheartedly agree! Mr. Cowell's platinum jewels should be preserved for future generations!


    • Petra Vlah profile image

      Petra Vlah 

      8 years ago from Los Angeles

      WOW!!! Why am I not surprized? Coming up with the genial (or should I say genital) idea of the "American Idol" does qualify him for Smithsonian recognition and a well deserved place at the National Zoo


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