Statements You Probably Shouldn't Make at a Job Interview

So, you've been looking for a job for ages now. You can't remember the last time you've been to an interview. It's OK though since you've been updating your resume, signed up with LinkedIn, and bought a new outfit. What could go wrong? You are totally with the times and you are going to get that job. You go into the interview, but within no time a security guard is escorting you away. The HR team is crying and yelling at you. The security guard flings you out the door. He says something about "you are going on a list" and tells you to never come back. What went wrong? Was it something you said? Should you still send that "thank you" note to the company for the interview?

Obviously you made a statement (or many statements) you should never make at a job interview. You must be one offensive person! Wow! Congratulations on that one. If you would actually like to have a new job though, well, you've got problems. That is OK because that is where I come in. I am here to help you out with your job interview woes. I am happy to list some statements you should probably never make at a job interview. Feel free to print this list out and keep it with you for the next interview! I am sure you will find it quite helpful.

• Oh, you'd like to learn more about me? You should check out my Facebook page. I love doing shots with my friends on the weekend. I am most proud of the photo with me covered in my own vomit.
• My weaknesses? I can't think of any right now unless you'd include laziness, tardiness, and dishonesty as weaknesses. But hey, who doesn't have some small flaws?
• Oh, I got fired from my last job because I was stealing from the company. Don't worry. I learned my lesson. Those 2 years in jail were tough. By the way, will I have access to the company's credit card?
• I have this weird foot fungus issue. I prefer to walk around barefoot while at work. I hope you will be OK with that.
• I prefer making my own hours. Is it OK if I show up at around noon each day?
• My last job? Oh, I used to work in porn. Actually, I still do some freelance work on the weekends. Have you seen some of my movies?
• I don't have any pets or children. I do have a collection of teddy bears though. I have about 20 bears and they each have names. I hope I can bring them into the office. I don't like to leave them alone for too long. You know how teddy bears can be - always getting in trouble when I am not around!
• My mom is right in the lobby waiting for me. Would you like to talk to her? She can tell you what a nice guy I am. I even help with laundry.
• I am currently looking for work because I kept threatening my last boss. It wasn't like I tried to kill him or anything. I mean, there was that one time I waved a knife at him because he took the last bagel in the work lunchroom, but that wasn't such a big deal. Basically, if you stay on my good side, I am a great employee.
• A background check? Ummm... well, let me explain...
• A drug test? Ummm... well, let me explain...
• Check my references? Ummm... well, let me explain...
• The voices in my head are telling me you guys are going to be totally cool. I just go with whatever the voices tell me.
• I will admit I do like to take naps on the job. I hope this won't be a problem. I don't snore or anything.
• Yes, I have had 7 jobs in the last year. I have a very short attention span. I am also not that fond of authority figures, helping out, or actually working very hard. When can I start?
• Sorry, if I can't get at least 8 weeks of vacation time a year, this just isn't going to work out.
• Is the salary negotiable? I would prefer double what you are offering.
• Is that your wife in the photo? She is pretty hot. You guys getting divorced anytime soon?
• Wait... you mean I have to show up here everyday Monday through Friday? How much sick leave will you give me?