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Stuff You Probably Shouldn't Say to the Cops

Updated on February 2, 2012
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Jeannie has been writing online for over 10 years. She covers a wide variety of topics—hobbies, opinions, dating advice, and more!

Just Keep Quiet

Naturally, if you are pulled over by the cops, you might be a little nervous. If the police come to your home to interview you for some reason, it could make you jittery. However, there are some things, no matter how scared you are, you should never ever say to the cops!

Of course, I am not suggesting you go out and commit any crimes. I am also not recommending you lie to the police. I am merely bringing up the fact that some folks suffer from diarrhea of the mouth as soon as they see the cops. I know this not only from working at the courthouse in the past; most of what I've learned has come from watching episodes of TruTV's World Dumbest Criminals. With such an impressive background, obviously I am an authority when it comes to stuff you probably shouldn't say to the cops.

According to my extensive research in this matter, here is a list of things you'd be better off keeping to yourself if you happen to talk to any police officers:

Examples of What Not to Say!

  • Wait, you're letting me off with a warning ticket? You sure you don't want to check my car first? I give you permission. I just wouldn't recommend looking in my glove compartment.
  • Hey, Mr. Police Officer, can I interest you in a delicious donut in exchange for not having my car towed?
  • Drunk? I am not driving drunk! You're driving drunk! You were all over the road when you chased my car down.
  • That random chick in my car? Ummm... her name is Carol. No, Betty... or Charlotte. Hey, what is your name?
  • You are really attractive for a cop. Can I dial 911 for a date?
  • Keg of beer in the front seat? Nah. That is a keg of Kool Aid. Yep.
  • Welcome to my home, Mr. Officer. Investigating the disappearance of a neighbor? You mean Fred next door? He was a real jerk. I am sure whatever happened to him, he had it coming. Oh, you mean he is just considered missing right now? Oh, yeah. Sure. Haven't seen him.
  • Neighbors are complaining about a terrible odor coming from my home? Really? I mean, I know it can't be dead bodies or anything in the crawl space. Who would do something like that?
  • If you want to catch me, you are going to have to run after me. You could use the exercise, Fatso.
  • Thanks for pulling me over tonight, Ms. Police Officer. Can I interest you in a drink? I've got some wine over here.
  • Sure, I bought all that stuff in my trunk. Stolen goods? Got me on video? Did you know I have a twin?
  • A traffic ticket! How dare you? You are pretty stupid to do that to me! Oh yeah, I dare you to give me another ticket...
  • Where are you taking me, Officer? Oh, I am going to have a bed to sleep in tonight? There will be bars all around me? Well, I like bars. I guess I can have more to drink. Thanks! Hey, how am I going to drink more with these handcuffs on me?
  • Want to see me do a cool trick while I am wearing the handcuffs?
  • Are you sure we can't settle this in private, Mr. Officer? Oh, wait... your car has a camera?
  • My tax dollars pay your salary, pal! Consider me your supervisor.
  • Can I interest you in buying a few items from my trunk? No, everything is legal... oh, wait.
  • Oh, I've had at least 20 beers tonight. I'm surprised I can even stand up.
  • Oh yeah? Your mama!


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