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Stuff You Probably Shouldn't Say to the Cops

Updated on February 2, 2012
Jeannieinabottle profile image

Jeannie has been writing for HubPages for over 5 years. She covers a wide variety of topics—anything from hamsters to office work.

Just Keep Quiet

Naturally, if you are pulled over by the cops, you might be a little nervous. If the police come to your home to interview you for some reason, it could make you jittery. However, there are some things, no matter how scared you are, you should never ever say to the cops!

Of course, I am not suggesting you go out and commit any crimes. I am also not recommending you lie to the police. I am merely bringing up the fact that some folks suffer from diarrhea of the mouth as soon as they see the cops. I know this not only from working at the courthouse in the past; most of what I've learned has come from watching episodes of TruTV's World Dumbest Criminals. With such an impressive background, obviously I am an authority when it comes to stuff you probably shouldn't say to the cops.

According to my extensive research in this matter, here is a list of things you'd be better off keeping to yourself if you happen to talk to any police officers:

Examples of What Not to Say!

  • Wait, you're letting me off with a warning ticket? You sure you don't want to check my car first? I give you permission. I just wouldn't recommend looking in my glove compartment.
  • Hey, Mr. Police Officer, can I interest you in a delicious donut in exchange for not having my car towed?
  • Drunk? I am not driving drunk! You're driving drunk! You were all over the road when you chased my car down.
  • That random chick in my car? Ummm... her name is Carol. No, Betty... or Charlotte. Hey, what is your name?
  • You are really attractive for a cop. Can I dial 911 for a date?
  • Keg of beer in the front seat? Nah. That is a keg of Kool Aid. Yep.
  • Welcome to my home, Mr. Officer. Investigating the disappearance of a neighbor? You mean Fred next door? He was a real jerk. I am sure whatever happened to him, he had it coming. Oh, you mean he is just considered missing right now? Oh, yeah. Sure. Haven't seen him.
  • Neighbors are complaining about a terrible odor coming from my home? Really? I mean, I know it can't be dead bodies or anything in the crawl space. Who would do something like that?
  • If you want to catch me, you are going to have to run after me. You could use the exercise, Fatso.
  • Thanks for pulling me over tonight, Ms. Police Officer. Can I interest you in a drink? I've got some wine over here.
  • Sure, I bought all that stuff in my trunk. Stolen goods? Got me on video? Did you know I have a twin?
  • A traffic ticket! How dare you? You are pretty stupid to do that to me! Oh yeah, I dare you to give me another ticket...
  • Where are you taking me, Officer? Oh, I am going to have a bed to sleep in tonight? There will be bars all around me? Well, I like bars. I guess I can have more to drink. Thanks! Hey, how am I going to drink more with these handcuffs on me?
  • Want to see me do a cool trick while I am wearing the handcuffs?
  • Are you sure we can't settle this in private, Mr. Officer? Oh, wait... your car has a camera?
  • My tax dollars pay your salary, pal! Consider me your supervisor.
  • Can I interest you in buying a few items from my trunk? No, everything is legal... oh, wait.
  • Oh, I've had at least 20 beers tonight. I'm surprised I can even stand up.
  • Oh yeah? Your mama!


Submit a Comment

  • PDXKaraokeGuy profile image

    Justin W Price 5 years ago from Juneau, Alaska

    no problem, Jeannie

  • Jeannieinabottle profile image

    Jeannie InABottle 5 years ago from Baltimore, MD

    Yes, this is an extremely clean version compared to what I would like to write. I almost did not write this hub simply because I did not feel I could take it as far as it should go.

    Hahaha... I suppose everyone only has two drinks. Thanks for reading my hub and for the comment!

  • Historicus profile image

    Jerry Desko 5 years ago from Cashtown, PA

    Some very good lines. Very funny.

    After being a cop for 27 years, in reality the words you composed would be littered with delete-able expletives. Of course you showed proper etiquette in keeping it clean.

    The only thing I can add is on a DWI/DUI stop when the driver admits drinking they only ever admit to having two drinks. Their bartender makes some LARGE drinks!

    Great blog.

  • Jeannieinabottle profile image

    Jeannie InABottle 5 years ago from Baltimore, MD

    PDXKaraokeGuy - Thank so much for reading my hub and sharing it! I really appreciate it.

    Dim Flaxenwick - I am glad you liked it. Thanks for dropping by!

    one2recognize2 - Thanks for reading! I am glad it made you laugh.

    Ruchira - That is certainly not the worst excuse I've ever heard for speeding. At least that police officer only handed you the ticket and didn't laugh or anything. It was a good try on your part. Thanks for dropping by my hub!

    dmop - At least you were polite when you told him he wrong. It must have been a very slow day for him if that was the only thing he could think to do with his time. Thanks for the comment!

    jacqui2011 - Yes, cops have a way of making a person feel nervous even if they've done nothing wrong. I am happy you enjoyed the hub. Thanks for the votes up!

  • jacqui2011 profile image

    jacqui2011 5 years ago from Norfolk, UK

    Even when I am driving within the speed limits and there is a police car behind me, I always feel and act guilty. I had a police car behind me at the traffic lights, the lights turned to green and I stalled the engine 3 times before I eventually moved. They must have thought that I had just passed; when in fact I'd been driving for 20 years! Loved your hub. Voted up - funny.

  • dmop profile image

    dmop 5 years ago from Cambridge City, IN

    Nice, I like this Hub. I am always polite with police officers, even when I don't agree with them. I was pulled over once for flipping my cigarette ashes out my window, the officer said that I threw out my cigarette, and he was giving me a ticket for littering. I politely told him the he was delusional and that I was still smoking the cigarette that he was accusing me of throwing out. He wasn't happy and gave me the ticket anyway.

  • Ruchira profile image

    Ruchira 5 years ago from United States

    enjoyed it jeannie.

    I remember using something very dumb when pulled over...I blurted out that my friend is having a baby and is in labor in the hospital so, gotta hurry.

    the cop asked me if i was a doc...I said, No.

    Then, he quietly handed me a ticket and said...have a nice day!

    good topic to hub on!

  • one2recognize2 profile image

    one2recognize2 5 years ago from New York

    Awesome Jeannie, great job and truly needed the laugh.

  • Dim Flaxenwick profile image

    Dim Flaxenwick 5 years ago from Great Britain

    Hee Hee! Loved it. Thanks for the belly laughs

  • PDXKaraokeGuy profile image

    Justin W Price 5 years ago from Juneau, Alaska

    Very much enjoyed this, jeannie. I shared it

  • Jeannieinabottle profile image

    Jeannie InABottle 5 years ago from Baltimore, MD

    Thanks for reading. I am glad you liked it.

  • seoendra profile image

    seoendra 5 years ago from India

    thanks Jeannieina it's really nice to go through from your stories :)

  • Jeannieinabottle profile image

    Jeannie InABottle 5 years ago from Baltimore, MD

    Yes, keeping quiet and being polite is always a good idea. It is a shame some people don't get it. Thanks for the votes!

  • alocsin profile image

    alocsin 5 years ago from Orange County, CA

    I think just being polite and keeping quite is the way to go. Voting this Up and Funny.

  • Jeannieinabottle profile image

    Jeannie InABottle 5 years ago from Baltimore, MD

    Thanks for the comments, everyone.

    Alecia - Yes! I love World's Dumbest. My favorite is the World's Smart Inventions which is actually the dumbest of all the shows.

    American View - Yes, that is true. I think that is the strategy of many folks. Thanks for the vote up!

    Ardie - I can't believe some of the things I've heard people say to the police. People are so crazy. Maybe they like jail a lot. I hope you enjoyed the creepy dating profile pics hub - it was my very first hub!

    DeborahNeyens - I am glad you like the hubs. Yes, I am quite the expert. ;-)

    Austinstar - This is true. Innocent until proven guilty!

  • Austinstar profile image

    Lela 5 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

    Never admit guilt over anything!

  • DeborahNeyens profile image

    Deborah Neyens 5 years ago from Iowa

    Your hubs always crack me up, Jeannie. I love your expert credentials!

  • Ardie profile image

    Sondra 5 years ago from Neverland

    Hahah you need the exercise fatso. Man I hope that's one fast criminal because I bet he'd be surprised what adrenaline can make a person do :) These are funny because I can SEE people saying them and not understanding what they did wrong. Thanks for the laugh - Im off to read about creepy dating profile pictures now!

  • American View profile image

    American View 5 years ago from Plano, Texas

    Really cute hub. Of course there is the old stand by, "I didn't do it" before the cop even asked the first question. Voted up

  • Alecia Murphy profile image

    Alecia Murphy 5 years ago from Wilmington, North Carolina

    I forgot about World's Dumbest. Now that's quality television. B, C, and every other letter celebs with sketchy pasts talking about even sketchier criminals. Doesn't get much better!

  • Jeannieinabottle profile image

    Jeannie InABottle 5 years ago from Baltimore, MD

    I am glad you liked it. I watch World's Dumbest Criminals all the time and I always think, "Just shut up... don't say that... just close your mouth... he was only going to give you a warning!!!" Hehe. People are special. Thanks for dropping by!

  • Alecia Murphy profile image

    Alecia Murphy 5 years ago from Wilmington, North Carolina

    I love it Jeannie! This reminds me of How I Met Your Mother and Barney said he got along with the cop when he was really put in the pokey. Having more to drink is definitely a bad thing to say. Great job!