Poor Parenting Techniques Seen in Horror Movies

As a horror movie fan, I can tell you I've learned a lot of great survival techniques from watching horror movies. I know if I go to an abandoned rest stop, I should always take a friend with me into the bathroom even if it seems silly. I also realize the zombies will probably try to chase me down when I am wearing high heels; it is best to kick them off immediately so I don't stumble, because that is what all women do while being chased. Another important lesson I've learned is to always run out the front door instead of going up the stairs. Thanks to horror movies, I am prepared for the worst!

What you may not realize about horror movies is you can also learn what not to do when raising your children. So many parents in scary movies make major mistakes when it comes to their children. It is understandable the panic you may feel when ghosts are trying to kidnap your child. Thankfully, horror movies are there to give you some tips on how to best tackle your fears to save your kids' lives. When in doubt, it is usually a good idea to do exactly the opposite of what you see in scary movies. If you see JoBeth Williams or Naomi Watts parenting techniques result in misfortune for their on-screen children, you now know how to avoid being a total idiot like them. Now, you are going to be an awesome parent!

Let's take a look at some of the many horror movies that have taught everyone valuable parenting lessons. And yes, this is the point where I warn you... SPOILER ALERT... if you haven't seen these movies, you might want to stop now if you intend to watch them. Without further hesitation, I present parenting tips you can learn from watching horror movies...

Time and time again parents rescue their child from pure evil, yet they start to relax way sooner than they should. For instance, in "Poltergeist," little Carol Anne's parents go to great lengths to save their daughter from the "TV people" ghosts. After finally getting Carol Anne back, what happens? Dad goes to work and Mom decides to take a nice relaxing bath. Yes, great idea! Leave the youngsters alone in a haunted house that has been known to eat children. If the closet in your kids' bedroom likes to kidnap children, you probably want to save that relaxing bath for later.

In a similar situation, Dalton is sucked into "the further" in the movie "Insidious." His father has to go into the further and grab his son. Obviously, there is some crazy ghost activity happening under these circumstances. You would think everyone would keep a close eye on the two people returning from this epic voyage. Oh, no. Let's go eat some spaghetti and leave crazy old Dad alone with the psychic. No, people... you can't relax in this situation. Once again, this is a terrible idea. Don't eat the spaghetti and take some time to investigate your surroundings.

Every now and then, a parent is forced to bring their child back from the dead in a horror movie. This is the case in "Pet Sematary." When bringing someone back to life, it is best to monitor this situation as much as possible. Don't bury your kid in the pet cemetery and then go home for a nap. Obviously there is a good chance your undead son is going to be demented and he might kill a couple of people. Don't take naps when resurrecting anyone!

While we are on the topic of "Pet Sematary" and Gage's resurrection, let's now talk about how the child died in the first place. The parents were aware of the dangerous road right in front of their home. Tractor trailers drove down the street all the time. The father was even aware of the cat being killed by a tractor trailer on that very road! So, why oh why, do the parents allow a 2 year old to go toddling out towards the road? If you live by a road the has killed many pets, you might suspect a small child is in danger, too. Keep a constant eye on the baby. Perhaps build a fence or something. Come on, people, seriously!

Now, say you've watched a video tape that kills people within 7 days after they've viewed it... would you then show it to your son's father? After he watches it, do you leave it sitting around in your home for your small son to get a hold of it? Well, that is what happens in the movie "The Ring." For some reason, the mother just didn't think her son knew how to put a video tape into a VCR. I mean, certainly now a kid probably wouldn't know how to use a strange, antique item like a video tape, but that was not the case when the movie was made. Whenever you have a tape that kills people, it is best to lock it up in a cabinet or something.

All sorts of mishaps can occur if parents go on vacation and leave children home alone. Did you know it is possible for kids to open the gates of hell when the parents go away on a trip? If not, you should check out "The Gate" and you will never doubt me again on that one! Apparently, playing an album backwards will cause all sorts of problems in the demon world. How are kids supposed to handle that kind of responsibility once they've opened the gate? You'd better be ready to drive home in a moment's notice if you do go against my advice and ever leave your children alone at home.

So your child has started talking to a new friend that doesn't exist. Harmless fun, right? Or is it? Maybe your child is creative or maybe your child is being stalked by a demon. You'd better observe your kid a little closer to make that determination.

In "The Exorcist," Regan starts talking to Captain Howdy. The captain seems pretty cool at first. I mean, come on, Captain Crunch is awesome, so why would we think Captain Howdy could be evil? As it turns out, Captain Howdy is actually the devil and things are about to get really crazy in the MacNeil household.

Another classic example of a child talking to no one is Danny from "The Shining." He starts having conversations with Tony, the little boy that lives in his mouth. Tony "shows" him things. Uh-oh! That is a red flag right there. Clearly, this is not some innocent imaginary friend. The next time your kid wants to tell you about the little boy that lives in his mouth, you'd better listen to what he has to say. He might just save your life.

Let us not forget the evil that lurked in "The Amityville Horror" house. If the parents had just paid more attention to their daughter that was having conversations with a ghost, perhaps so much terror could have been prevented. Next time, when you see a rocking chair moving on its own or you seem some red eyes in the window, take action! That new friend is not so imaginary after all.

Not only have we already established that ghosts like to snatch small children into the closet to take them "into the light," I would like to discuss another serious issue with you: the closet monster. Sometimes, if your kid suspects someone is in the closet, you need to open the door!

In the movie, "Saw," the daughter clearly believes there is a man in her closet. If her idiot father had taken even two seconds to peer into the closet, he would have seen his daughter was right. I mean, really... does it take that long to humor a child? 9 times out of 10, there is nothing in the closet. But what if there is? What kind of parent are you? Go over and open the closet door. It is better to face this evil now, rather than deal with it later.

Dude, when it comes to creepy dolls, just stay away. I would think that would be a no-brainer, but for whatever reason, parents love to buy scary dolls for their children in horror movies.

Of course, we have to talk about "Child's Play." If you buy a doll for your kid and it is telling him to do terrible things, chances are, it is evil. Sneak around the corner and listen to the doll for a little while. Your first warning sign is if the doll likes to discuss murdering people with your kid. I don't know about you, but something tells me this is going to be an issue. I doubt Hasbro makes dolls that do such a thing. You might want to find out the refund policy for that doll.

The next situation that might be a little odd is if you see doll footprints all over the house as if the doll is walking. As learned in "Child's Play," you need to take the doll, flip it over, and see if the batteries are even installed. If not, your doll is possessed by a killer. Good luck trying to figure out how to kill that little creep. Evil, possessed dolls are pretty hard to destroy; that is why Chucky has starred in so many movies.

Since I started with "Poltergeist," I feel I should end with "Poltergeist." Clown dolls are the root of all that is evil in horror movies. As a general rule, dolls are bad and clown dolls are much worse. You certainly don't want to bring a clown doll into a haunted house around your children. That doll is going to turn on your children when you least expect it. Just don't buy the doll. If some weirdo gives a clown doll to your child as a present, throw it away immediately. You might want to ask your kid about it first, but chances are, your son or daughter is already totally losing sleep even knowing that doll exists at all.

I'll bet you feel so much better now after reading this. You can take this information and start applying everything you've learned to your own life. Sure, maybe you don't even have kids. Who cares? One day, you might be babysitting your neighbor's kids and you will be the best babysitter ever, like Jamie Lee Curtis in "Halloween." You might also find yourself giving advice to your friend when her son starts talking to an imaginary friend. Where would we be without horror movies to help guide us through life?