TV Logic - Everything You Need To Know About Being a TV Character

Summer time is synonymous with sunshine, beaches, picnics...and boring TV. Personally, I start going through withdrawal right about now. All of the regular shows are finished for the summer and all we have to watch are reruns and reality shows. News flash, reality sucks...that's why TV was invented in the first place. Where's the action, where's the drama, where's the sarcastic wisecracking kid, or sassy waitress with a quick comeback?

If you are as addicted to TV as I am, you may even know where the plot is heading long before the characters begin to suspect something is even wrong. So for all of us die hard TV fans, I have compiled a short list of TV logic 101 that any character on a TV show should know. As an added bonus, in the unlikely event that you should you ever find yourself making a wish while holding a TV antenna during a freak electric storm and end up in TV land, here is your survival guide. You are welcome.

• On TV shows, thousands and thousands of innocent people can die from a disease and the doctors work to cure it but still take time out for lunches and make-out sessions with each other. If you are one of the infected, your only hope is that one of the regular TV doctors gets it too....the whole hospital will work for one day nonstop and find a cure right in the nick of time.
• Any problem can be solved by tricking people, even if it's really unbelievable.
• Should you find yourself hiding from an alien or monster, do not assume that barricading yourself in a room will work. Use the time to escape out a window or find a good weapon. I assure you that it will find a way in, regardless of how many dressers or chairs you have stacked in front of the door.
• If anyone was as sarcastic to others as TV characters are towards each-other, they would be divorced, unemployed or in the hospital. But on TV, no one remembers the horrible jokes they make at each others expense.

• Apparently search warrants take cops five seconds to secure if they are even needed at all. (But in all honesty, how boring would the show 24 have been had we had to watch Jack sit for six hours in the courthouse filing paperwork?)
• If you are shot in TV land, you can basically heal yourself in half an hour and keep fighting crime.
• There are no coincidences in TV land. Everyone is linked somehow and if something keeps coming up in conversation, it will be important to remember later on.
• When the radio announcer or TV news reporter interrupts for a special announcement, know that it is important to pay attention. Whatever they are warning about, it is directly applicable to you.
• If your neighbor avoids conversation and hesitates to answer basic questions about themselves, they are up to no good. Have 911 on speed dial and a knife under your pillow.
• A criminal can baffle police for years but just as it's sweeps time, they piece it all together and link all the crimes together.

• I don't care if you're a 20 year old marathon runner, you can't outrun a car. If someone is trying to murder you, leave the road & make them chase you by foot.
• When cutting a wire to a bomb, you will never remember the colors you need to cut even if you are a bomb expert. So if you think it's the blue wire, ask yourself am I a regular on this show? If not, choose the red wire....unless the main character is trapped in the building, then whatever wire you choose is fine.
• Should you find yourself in a situation where a murderer is out to get you, go ahead and assume he is in the backseat, under the bed, in the closet....etc.
• If you and your TV spouse are having relationship troubles and any new attractive characters show up out of the blue, expect a break up or a possible love triangle.
• TV parenting is tricky. But if your child has a quirky best friend, don't be too concerned about this. They may get into minor scrapes once in a while, but they aren't up to any significant trouble. However, if your TV children suddenly have a new friend, they will likely be a bad influence. And the more said child sucks up to you, the more you should worry.