17 Ways To Annoy Me

Since I'm new to Hub Pages, I figured I should introduce myself. And what is a better way to do so, then inform you of top 17 Ways To Annoy Me. Why a top 17 list? Because 10 is trite and 20 requires too much effort. Lesson one, I'm kind of lazy.

17. Waiting for the microwave to finish. I know, I know…. Our grandma’s slaved over hot stoves for hours. Making bread involved several days prepping but darn it, two minutes for a bean burrito is ridiculous. What is this..... Uzbekistan?

16. Having to share an elevator. I know it can support 1000 pounds and I’m sure the 5’ 3” woman beside me weighs 110lbs wet, but when I see the purse cross the door threshold, I can’t help but think we are both going to plummet to our deaths because I ate the extra jelly donut this morning.

15. People who actually drive the speed limit. Everyone knows the cop gives you a 5mph grace. So, turn off the blinker and put the pedal to the metal grandpa.

14. Toilet snakes. No this isn’t a sequel to Snakes On A Plane. We’ve all heard about alligators in the sewers. So my paranoid mind has taken this a step further. I’m convinced that if you don’t leave the seat down men, snakes will come out of the toilet and touch your bathing suit area while you take your morning pee.

13. People who don't wear socks. Come on, even the dollar store sells them.

12. The last ounce of a water bottle. I’d rather drink from 1980’s Madonna cone bra than drink the last slobber filled ounce of a water bottle. There are things in life that you can't unlearn, this is one of them.

11. Actors who make messes on TV. The game show where confetti strews over the stage, the couples busting dishes in an angry fit, or colossal food fights, I dislike them all. Maybe I’ve scrubbed too many fast food bathrooms in my life, but I can sympathize for the poor Joe Schmo who is stuck picking green beans out of Betty White’s hair. Someone has to clean that up, you jerks.

10. The vegetarian martyr. Every office has one. They sit beside you at lunch and insist on telling you three reasons you shouldn’t eat that egg salad sandwich. (If you have to talk-up soy that much, ask yourself if you are trying to convince me to eat it, or yourself.)

9. Faux "green”. Only in America can we turn saving the environment into a marketing angle. Trust me, this SUV is “green”, it gets 5 miles to the gallon now. Al Gore is crying in his organic, non GMO Wheaties right now.

8. Ear wax. It’s the ear’s version of boogers.

7. Isle crop dusting. We’ve all been the victim or culprit of this one. You innocently turn the corner in the grocery store and pow! You’ve been isle crop dusted. You’ve walked right into a toxic sulfur fart cloud.

6. Skinny cooks. All the chefs on the Food Channel should be overweight. Who do you believe is the better cook? Mario Bateli or Giada De Laurentiis ?

5. Celebrities trying to convince everyone that they are just like the rest of us. Just because you pick up your own soy latte in a tee shirt and blue jeans, in front of a paparazzi crowd larger than some European armies, doesn’t make you “normal”.

4. Skinny girls who are convinced they are fat. These girls need a three hour pep talk to agree that it’s ok to eat an apple. Shut up, my thigh is thicker than your waist.

3. Baby talk. To a parent, your child is the most interesting child to have ever been born. To the rest of us, your child is just a child. So when I call you long distance, how do you figure that I want to spend twenty awkward minutes trying to make conversation with your toddler? What insightful input does your two year old have? Are we going to discuss Occupy Wall Street? Do they have any solutions to the Middle East conflict? And I’m paying $2 a minute for this...great.

2. Percentage savings. What’s the better bargain? This item is 30% off the discounted price but this one is 40% off retail. This train leaves at 2am going north for 43 miles while traveling 65mph, what time does the train arrive? I’m trying to buy a bra, I didn’t think I needed to bring an abacus. Oh why didn’t I pay attention in ninth grade algebra?

1. Precocious kids on talents shows. Every once in a while a child does rise to fame but most likely, your child belting out an over-the-top broadway showtune is not the next Christina Aguilera. What you probably will do however, is get your kid punched on the playground on Monday.