Weird Guinness World Records: Warning, This May Cause Laughter!

I have a special place in my heart for Guinness World Records. I know, it’s a rather weird fondness, but who can deny that one, special love? Back in 1965 some buddies and I broke the world record for the longest, continual softball game. We played 42 consecutive hours and we held the record for a grand total of one month, but hold the record we did. So you see, my fascination with the weird has some foundation.

I thought today we would take a look at a random sampling of current world records. Of course, I feel compelled to add my own brand of humor to this article. Since my sense of humor is weird it will fit in quite nicely with this article, don’t you think?

Without further delay, here are some world records that await those out there who are foolish enough, or adventuresome enough, to give it a go!

In 1995, Canadian Sean Shannon repeated Hamlet’s “To be or not to be” soliloquy, a total of 260 words, in 23,8 seconds.

I gotta tell ya….my ex-wife could have beaten this record easily! We would be driving down the road and get pulled over by cops for speeding and it was because of her mouth flapping. Would I lie? Would billybuc tell you a fib? Seriously, the woman could talk faster than a hummingbird on crack! She could talk faster than Sr. Mary Catherine when she was mad at me in 5^th grade….MrHollandwhatwereyoudoingunderthedeskwhenmybackwasturnedyourfatherwillhearaboutthisnowgostandinthecorner! And that was when she was in a good mood!

Danny Higginbottom of Louisiana dived 8.90 meters into 30 centimeters of water.

Okay, if I have my figures straight, this dude dove into a foot of water from something like 27 feet? Like a three-story building and he dove into a foot of water???? What Guinness never mentions with these records is whether the guy lived or not. They should make a new record out of that question: Danny Higginbottom lived two minutes, ten seconds after diving into a foot of water from the Third Floor of the Idiots Emporium!

Or they could have a record for how long it took the janitors to scrape Danny up off of the ground after this record was made. Mr. Jim Oakley broke the world record by scraping a human body off of the pavement in five minutes, eight seconds. Let’s hear it for Mr. Oakley!

Speaking of the metric system, has anyone noticed that 95% of the world uses the metric system but the United States doesn’t? It’s not that we are too dumb to convert; we’re just convinced that our way is better. Nothing says ego like the United States of America!

Victor and Gabriel Ramos Gomez of Mexico have 98% of their bodies covered with fur.

I’m going to guess that these two guys don’t get many dates!

So, where is the 2% of their body that doesn’t have hair? Am I the only one who wants to know that? I literally spent five minutes trying to imagine what parts don’t have hair. What I came up with I can’t repeat. In fact, that is far too long spent thinking about such things. Time to move on!

Nope, I’m not done! What do they use for shampoo? They can’t use Head & Shoulders because that would in inadequate. Seems to me they would be better off walking through a car wash!

This record is held by Charles Osbourne of the United States; he hiccupped from 1922 to 1990.

What they don’t mention here is that Mr. Osbourne ended his record when he attempted to do a swan dive from the Idiots Emporium in an attempt to break Mr. Higginbottom’s record. If you believe that I have some swamp land I want to sell you.

Robin Hanshaw had a one-inch rusty nail stuck between his ear and his eye for 22 years. What’s the rest of the story you ask? Glad you did because what many people don’t know is that the nail became part of his brain structure after he told his wife she talked too fast and too often. The moral of this story is never go to bed with a pissed-off wife who happens to be a carpenter.

A Virginia man, Roy Sullivan, suffered his seventh strike in 1977.

I don’t know about you but I have to ask why, after six lightning strikes, this guy didn’t stay inside during storms? Forget the fact that he survived six strikes; why would he risk another? Was the record something he was shooting for? Hey, there goes Roy Sullivan! He’s the guy with a lightning rod duct-taped to his head.

I’m guessing Roy didn’t have many friends. Who would want to hang with a guy whose nickname is Old Sparky?

Kim Seung Do from Seoul, South Korea, ate five watches in one hour, thirty-four minutes in 1998.

Excuse me? For some reason I found this one the hardest to….swallow! Where does this guy go for a meal out on the town? The Rolex Outlet Store? This guy takes a lickin’ and keeps on tickin’.

Sorry, I couldn’t resist! How do you set the watches after he swallows them? Tickle him?

Gary Rothwell of Liverpool was dragged at 156 mph in 1999 on two titanium-soled boots.

Hey, Gary, where are you going? Oh, I thought I’d hook up with my buddy and have him drag me behind his motorcycle at 156 mph! It’s a slow day and I’ve got nothing better to do!

Nice thing about this hobby is it’s hard to get hit by lightning at that speed. Come to think of it, it’s hard for your wife the carpenter to drive a nail in your head at that speed. However, if Gary should ever swallow a watch, he could then say with all certainty that time flies!

You can bet I’ll be back with more of these great world records. Now that I’ve started this series I can hardly wait to find out what other idiocy awaits me.

Until then, you can check out Guinness on the web or buy the book, and then start planning your own assault on a word record. Just one word of warning: if you are from the United States, don’t pick a record that involves the metric system. It will just confuse you and make you feel stupid when you can’t do the conversion. Hey, instead, set your own record and then demand that the other 95% of the world’s inhabitants conform to your measurements. America: Love it or leave it!

2012 William D. Holland (aka billybuc)