- Books, Literature, and Writing
Top Google Search With Humor: How To Make Chloroform And Other Nonsense
Yes, it is time for Part 2 of our “How To” series featuring hot searches from Yahoo and Google. If you have been following, last week I saved you the trouble of finding out what hot topics are on the minds of the searching public. I did this as a public service for all writers out there who are looking for a topic to write about that is sure to get a ton of hits on the internet. After all, these are the up-to-date, hot-off-the-press search results, so obviously someone out there in cyber space cares about this stuff. You might as well capitalize off of it and write an article that will go viral in mere minutes.
In case you were napping and missed last week’s installment, here were the Top Searches:
2. How to make chloroform
3. How to get married on Skyrim
4. How to hard boil eggs
5. How to love lyrics
6. How to be
Now I know, there are skeptics out there who really don’t believe that this list is accurate, and to a certain extent I can understand your skepticism. I mean come on! How to hard boil an egg? Could there really be a person out there who does not know how to do that? How to be? Umm, you need instructions on how to breathe? Still, the one that truly bothered me then and still bothers me now, is the search, obviously in the hundreds of thousands, by people who want to know how to make chloroform. True, chloroform is a solvent, but is there anyone who is stupid enough to believe that’s what these people want it for? Daddy didn’t raise no fool and I ain’t buyin’ it!
TELL US, BILL, WHAT IS ON THE LIST THIS WEEK?
I’m glad you asked because once again I have done my homework, all for your benefit I might add, and I have the Top Six for this week. Are you ready for a quick look into the collective psyche of the world?
HOW TO TIE A TIE
Holding down the number one spot for the second week in a row is the search for the perfectly tied tie! Evidently the thousands who learned last week were replaced by thousands of new, confused, utterly helpless and hopeless lost souls who were never taught this during their childhoods. Either that or the thousands who learned last week already forgot, and quite frankly I’m leaning in that direction. In an attempt to lessen the confusion and hopefully put an end to this search once and for all I have included a diagram on how to tie a Windsor, which can be seen to the right of this article. Please share this with anyone you know who still lacks this skill, if in fact they will admit it. My hope is that they will come out of the closet (get it?) and admit, once and for all, that they truly have a problem.
HOW TO MAKE CHLOROFORM
I’m not kidding, it really is the number two search for the second week in a row. I have no words that can lessen the concern I have about this search topic. Are there really that many degenerates out there who want to know how to make this stuff, or is this just a big cosmic joke perpetrated by the hackers of the world? I want desperately to believe that this is the mother of all hoaxes, but still….BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID!
HOW TO DRAW
Well, as Sister Mary Catherine told us in first grade, pick up your pencil and make marks on the paper. What else is there to know? You can either draw or you can’t; I’m sixty-three years old and I still draw stick-figures. I have accepted my limitations and moved on in life. No online tutorial is going to make my stick man look like a Rembrandt work of art. There is no power on earth or in the heavens that will ever make my rendition of a pig look like a pig. If you are out there and you draw like me give it up! Move on to something you are more suited for, like making chloroform, and then please, do us all a favor and use it on yourself.
HOW TO CROCHET
This topic narrowly missed the top six last week but it squeezed its way into the standings this week. Evidently those who wanted to know “how to be” finally figured it out and now need a hobby to do while they are breathing. I don’t crochet so whatever I say from here on is simply FF (funny fluff) meant to entertain, but is crocheting really something you can learn online? You need those big needles, right, and some fairly intricate moves with those needles to make something that doesn’t resemble my pig drawing. I just don’t see mastering that art by reading an article on the internet. My opinion, and this is strictly my opinion, is to buy the needles and then have them handy in case you ever run across some guy who is holding a bottle of home-made chloroform.
HOW TO FLIRT
If you need to ask this question there is no hope for you and you will most likely spend the rest of your life alone. I am picturing in my mind a pimply little twelve year old who has just discovered that he is feeling something for Mary Jane that he can’t explain. Either that or the twelve year old grew up and is now forty in which case he could be tutored by Angelina Jolie and he still won’t get it right. Give it up now before you really embarrass yourself.
HOW TO READ BODY LANGUAGE
Same people who want to learn how to flirt, plain and simple! Listen, I was a shy geek who couldn’t get a date with a roll of cash and a bullhorn, and I figured it all out. So will you! OR NOT! I suspect the same people who belong to ten online dating services are keying in this search, which really concerns me because what kind of body language can you read online? What we should really be worried about is if some of those who don’t know how to flirt are incorrectly reading body language. We could have a huge outbreak of fistfights around the world involving terribly confused online wannabees.
LET’S WRAP IT UP BILLYBUC!
Do you want to make millions in the freelance writing business? I have just given you the keys to riches beyond your wildest dream. I am trying to help you but you have to do the work. Pick one of these topics and get busy; make it brilliant and it could go viral and then the world is yours. Hell, pick all six, combine them into one article and then just sit back and wait for the publishers and agents to knock on your door. I can see the title now: “How To Flirt and Read The Body Language of a Crocheting Chloroform-Maker While He Ties a Tie and Draws At The Same Time.” Move over Harper Lee; the next great American novel is about to be written!