The Comedy Workshop: Summer Vacation Destinations For Bankers...Warning....May Cause Laughter
I would be remiss if I did not include in this series some great vacation spots for bankers. I hold such a special spot in my heart for bankers, as I’m sure all of us do. After all, where would we be without you? How could we possibly live our lives without overdraft fees and foreclosures? There is nothing quite like losing your Pin number and practically being strip-searched when you request a new one. You guys and gals with your silly procedures! LOL We just love the way you make us grovel for a meeting with you and then watch you read your profit and loss statements while we beg for a loan. How do you do that? How do you look at someone like they have a booger on their nose? It is a remarkable talent that you have for dehumanizing people and so we salute you!
Here are some great vacation spots for you to consider. Since every day seems to be a holiday for you, we are pretty sure you won’t have any trouble freeing yourself up for an extended trip. We guarantee some pretty special events await you at these lovely destinations.
MANY FARMS, ARIZONA
This is the perfect spot for you to visit. You can compare Many Farms to the many farms you have foreclosed on over the years. Take a drive down Weeping Milk Maid Lane and grab a couple jugs-to-go at the Milk Stool Tavern.
For dinner have a Delinquent Steak at the Compound Interest Inn; make sure you pay on time or they will stop you at the door, pump your stomach, and suck you dry. It’s just like being a banker so you should appreciate the gesture.
This is the ultimate theme town and the theme is bankers. As you drive into town you will notice all the townsfolk with their pants down to their ankles and their butts up in the air. That is their gracious salute to you and it comes from the heart. With your unending devotion to your work, you have touched these people deeply and they will never forget it.
There is a carnival right in the middle of town. Take the gondola through the House of Horrors which resembles a bank in such detail that you will swear you are having two martinis on a Tuesday morning. And yes, it is all tax deductible in your honor.
You simply have to go to the magic show when you are in Peanut. They have this magician who will take your hard-earned cash, turn it into millions, and give you peanuts in return. Yes, it is done in your honor and yes, the government encourages it.
About once every ten years they have a special show where the magician takes your money, turns it into millions, gives you back nothing and then asks for Federal assistance to pay for the productions costs of the magic show. It really is a memory that will last a lifetime.
TIN CUP, COLORADO
Don’t be alarmed when you drive into town and see all the citizens holding tin cups. That’s just their way of showing you that you matter to them. Toss a few coins at them as you drive by; they will respond by saluting you with a finger of love.
Every single day there is an antique car show in town. You can see these relics in front yards, backyards and rusting in the fields. Get into the spirit of things by towing a few of their cars away. The crowds love it when you put their cars on trailers and charge them for the towing fee. Great fun indeed!
There is not a care in the world in Carefree, Indiana. Why would there be? The townsfolk don’t have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out.
This town is rather unique in that there are no homes….only retail strip-malls. Where do the citizens live? On the outskirts of course in a development called Tent City! If you are hungry you can stop at the Road Kill Diner but we really wouldn’t suggest it.
Hey, you guys (and gals) have kidnapped the American Dream; you might as well hole up in Ransom for vacation. Here all of your demands will be met and as an added bonus you can wash away your sins at the Government Spa, located at the intersection of Screw and You Streets.
We know, it seems too good to be true, but let’s face it, this is the United States, and in Ransom they follow a “don’t ask, don’t tell” philosophy. If it worked so well for the military it should be just fine for you worshippers of the tax loophole.
BEANS CORNER BINGO, MAINE
The whole banking system stinks so we thought Beans Corner Bingo would be the perfect spot for you. Start your day off at the Flatulence Café but make sure you keep a tight grip on your cheeks. Pucker up like you do when a single parent of three asks for refinancing. The co-mayors of this town are Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, as lovely a couple as you are liable to meet. They also own the Offshore Account Saloon, a favorite watering hole for you banker types.
Slide on up to their bar and have a couple Stock Option Beefeaters on the house. There is no such thing as a drinking limit for you three-piece suits, so drink with reckless abandon.
You are going to love staying at the Tax Dodge Hotel in beautiful Embarrass, Minnesota. The regular folk aren’t allowed to stay at this state-of-the-art hotel; just you special characters can sit your fat rumps down in these plush digs.
Limos are available upon request and will be chauffeured by the poor slobs you walked over on the way to the top. This is Darwinism at its best and you won’t be disappointed.
The town of Fidelity only has one thing going for it and that’s beautiful Fidelity Lake. Rent a rowboat from Federal Reserve Charters and row out in the lake. Warning: about the time you get to the middle of the lake your boat will spring a leak. Don’t worry! There are guys from the FRS who will bail you out for a cool million.
CRUM, WEST VIRGINIA
A vacation for any banker would not be complete without visiting Crum. Every night at eight the citizens roam the city park. For a few bucks you can buy them some feed and toss some crumbs at them. It really is hilarious watching them fight for that food. I swear they would sell their souls for a taste of what you have to give them.
THAT’S IT FOR NOW
There are so many other great spots where you bankers could sit and enjoy life like fat cats in a field of catnip, but that’s it for now. In our next installment we will highlight some great spots to visit if you happen to be a mortician.
Until then, remember that bankers are your friends. In a world where it seems that every man is for himself, bankers stand alone as beacons of the way it used to be….small town values if you will….people who live by the old saying, “when the going gets tough, the tough grab their belongings and head for Bolivia.
2012 William D. Holland (aka billybuc)
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