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tehgyb's Favorite Chuck Norris Jokes (in no special order)

Updated on March 13, 2014

When Alexander Graham Bell finished his invention of the telephone, he noticed he had two missed calls from Chuck Norris.

The Hulk asks for Chuck Norris hands for christmas.

Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is in hiding.

Jesus, The Pope, and Chuck Norris were on a boat. Jesus jumps out and runs across the top of the water toward shore. Chuck jumps up and follows suit. The Pope jumps out and quickly drowns. Jesus stops and turns to Chuck, "Think we should have told him about the rocks?" Chuck replies, "What rocks?"

My nephew left his Chuck Norris action figure in my niece's room the other night. All of her Barbies are now pregnant.

Chuck Norris had a yard sale to get rid of some of his childhood items. Among the sold merchandise were his rattle, his frisbee and his class ring. We know these lucky buyers as Thor, Captain America and The Green Lantern.

The original Title for Alien Vs Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.

Chuck Norris once choked a man out with a cordless phone.

Chuck Norris won the title of Iron Chef... With an easybake oven.

Chuck Norris owned a pet goldfish, a pet lizard, and a pet monkey. As a science experiment in grade school he infused his own blood into them. They're now known as Jaws, Godzilla and King Kong.

Chuck Norris once chopped half a forest down with a chainsaw, before he even noticed it had a motor he could start.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck Norris met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

When Chuck Norris played golf for money, chuck marked down a hole in 0 every time, a pro at the golf club, said to Chuck: "excuse me sir, but you cant score zero on a hole". Chuck Norris turned towards the man and said, im Chuck Norris, the man then proceeded to pour gas over his body and set himself on fire because that would be less painful than getting roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him in the face anyway.

Well, that's all I've got for now, feel free to add your own in the comments section.

Also check out some of my other hubs-

Do you like Assassin's Creed? Discover some of the Historical Truths within the game!

Save the economy!


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    • MsDora profile image

      Dora Weithers 2 years ago from The Caribbean

      Quite an amazing (limited vocabulary) picture you paint of Chuck Norris! "Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice" my favorite. Thanks for the laughs.

    • cam8510 profile image

      Chris Mills 2 years ago from Missoula, Montana at least until March 2018

      Out of all the very awesome looking articles I could have chosen to read, I chose the Chuck Norris Jokes as my first read of your material. I wasn't disappointed. Jesus, the Pope and Chuck was my favorite, with Chuck counting to infinity, twice, as a close second. Great collection of humor about The Great One. By the way, did you know Chuck keeps a third hand hidden in his beard?

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      Johne653 3 years ago

      Good post. I study something more challenging on completely different blogs everyday. It is going to all the time be stimulating to learn content material from different writers and practice somewhat one thing from their store. I ecbgkegdfefd

    • crystolite profile image

      Emma 6 years ago from Houston TX

      interesting article.