- Family and Parenting
When Divorce becomes inevitable! (Personal Testimony: Part 2)
She was unfaithful again?
After forgiving her for being unfaithfully the first time, we lived day by day. My marriage was dull and I was trapped in it. There were no more love and it was as if she had the upper hand over me after I forgave her. She was rude and I started run long distance running to get away from this abuse!
On a day as I was reading the Bible and praying, the Lord gave me the same verses as before. Micah 7:5-11: Don’t trust your neighbor, don’t confide in your friend. Watch your words, even with your spouse.
I immediately confronted my wife with it, but she denied it. She said that I was overreacting and that she had made a promise to God. I didn't totally believe her because I had God’s word warning and guiding me.
In that time my wife convinced me that my children would do better in boarding school. Her reason was that my son had problems learning and my daughter needed the routine and discipline. During this time I was either working or running away from my problems.
During the school holidays, my son and I went fishing alone.
My wife said that we must go because I needed to build a better relationship with my son. I was working shifts and I did not spend as much time with him as I should have and thought it was a good idea as I would get some peace and rest, without her. We went to a dam, and enjoyed the peace and quietness of nature; my son had also been treated harshly by his mother.
Early in the morning of the second day, the Lord awoke me and spoke to me in an audible voice.
At first I thought there was a person outside the tent who wanted to ask me something. I looked around and saw no movement; we were the only campers around. So I became still and was wondering about the voice, when I heard it again, and the Lord asked me “Where is your wife?” I replied “Lord she is at home”. The Lord asked me a third time, “Where is your wife”
I then knew that the Lord was speaking to me, revealing to me that all was not well concerning with my wife.
I felt that she was not in any physical danger but that she was being unfaithful to me.
God showed me that they had sex in that time and that she was fornicating against God and me. Remember that when you are married, you are one with your partner, in flesh, soul and body.
When she sinned against her body, she sinned against my body too.
God used that to show me what was happening. I could sense it in the Spirit. I jumped up and wanted to rush home immediately but the Lord’s Spirit calmed me. I know today that if I had gone then, that I would have driven home at a very high speed and might have had an accident. I felt God’s peace come over me. I asked the Lord to let me catch them when I returned home later that morning.
I could not fall asleep because of the pain I was going through. I left after first light.
The cell phone began to ring. I stopped my son from answering it and it left it to ring. I drove home for almost two and a half hours in unhappy anticipation, hell and pain, not wanting to face what I had to. When I got home I realised that the gates were open. That was unusual, because our front gates were always closed. We had small dogs and they would run into the road and could be killed, so we kept the gate closed at all times.
My marriage is over!
I drove to the back, next to the house and parked the car there. As I got out I heard the back door being unlocked so I went towards it.
The next moment a man ran out of the door past my son and I, jumped over the fence and disappeared around the corner. I was shocked but I knew that God was a God that rewards those who trust Him.
I prayed, thanked God for revealing the truth to me and gave God glory.
Hebrews 11:6: No one can please God without faith, for whoever comes to God must have faith that God exists and rewards those who seek him.
I went into the house as if nothing had happened and my wife started to make excuses. I knew that she had not changed her ways, and with the knowledge God gave me, I was calm and full of the Holy Spirit.
She said that the man (he was also a friend in whom I had invested some time, preaching the gospel) had come just for a glass of water because his car broke down and he had to walk to work. He got thirsty and my house was the nearest.
I knew then that our marriage was over, the little love that held it together was shattered and all faith in her ability to be faithful had been destroyed.
I went on as if nothing was wrong but my heart was broken.
I started to pray that the Lord would show me what to do. I did not want to divorce her because I know it was against God’s word, but I could not live with someone that was unfaithful. She proved to me through her actions that she no longer loved me. She did not respect me or herself, purposefully forgetting the death of my brother, having died of AIDS.
She was placing our lives in danger, by being unfaithful and having sex outside of our marriage. I did not want to die as my brother did, so I decided not to have intercourse with her again.
Luke 16:18: “Any man who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery; and the man who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.
Matthew19:9: I tell you, then, that any man, who divorces his wife for any cause other than her unfaithfulness, commits adultery if he marries some other woman.
It was as if I was without direction. Sometimes you do not want to know the truth, even when you face the facts, but deep inside you know it.
I subconsciously rejected the knowledge and wanted solid proof.
I was afraid of loss and change, so I hung on to what was no longer real, what had been. I convinced myself against the facts and had intercourse with her again only days before we were separated, only to find out that she had totally changed, even in the way we use to make love.
She demanded that we should do different things and experiment. I realised then that her mind and body were no longer mine, but someone else’s.
We did not have intercourse again.
I became miserable and depressed and people started to see that something was wrong.
I opened my heart to a friend and he said that he knew of a person that would be able to help me. I went to see him and I bought a device from him, to tape the conversations on the home phone. He showed me how it worked and I waited patiently until I got a chance to install it.
He cautioned me not to make a fuss over the things that I see, but to give her rope, as she will hang herself if she was guilty, and if not I would lose nothing, so I put his words into action.
She was given a gold chain and flowers as gifts. When I asked her about it, she said it was people who gave it to her knew her from the tuck shop where she worked. I knew that people buying from tuck shops were poor people and could not afford these kinds of gifts. I asked about these things but did not make a big fuss about it like I did before.
I sometimes wonder if she thought that I was so stupid that I did not know what was going on, or maybe she was so caught up in her affairs that it did not matter.
When I installed the bugging device I felt like a criminal, sweating and shaking, my legs lame, as if I was committing a crime. I was shaking so violently that it took me much longer to install the device than it would have in normal circumstances. I was looking around feeling guilty and did not want anyone to see me. It was a terrible feeling.
The next day I took out the full tape with trembling hands and I put in a clean tape. Uneasiness hung over me even after arriving at work and buying earphones to listen to the tape privately.
The first words bowled me over. It was just as I had suspected but I was not prepared for what followed. Blood rushed to my brain like a speeding train, pumping helplessness, shame, defeat and loss, all transforming into rage.
Reality was ripped away and it left me with a strange numbness in my body. If felt as if I had heard news of a loved one’s death. Everything happened in slow-motion and all my emotions were racing like a train through my brain. My ears started ringing and my mind felt numb, as if I were underwater.
I couldn’t think and it felt as if I was drunk, everything was strange in a black and white world. I had received too much bad information for my mind to handle and my body wanted to faint to get away from the overwhelming emotions.
I was mad at myself for ignoring God’s warning and for convincing myself that she was innocent. I was broken inside and angry that I had made a fool of myself. She was involved with the same person that ran past us that day.
Now I stared the evidence in the face and found the truth undeniable. Rage was growing and boiling inside of me. At that very moment the phone rang and in one movement I ripped it off the hook and with all my strength slammed it back.
I did not realise how much strength was present in hatred and anger, and in an instance it showed. The phone shattered with a loud crash into several pieces and the office was suddenly as quiet as a mouse.
Proverbs 6:34-35: A husband is never angrier than when he is jealous; his revenge knows no limits. He will not accept any payment; no amount of gifts will satisfy his anger.
The boss ran to my table and took one look at the hate and murder in my eyes and knew that something terrible had happened. He immediately sent me home. He did not even ask me what had happened or what was wrong. I took the tape and left.
I went to my wife’s workplace and made as if nothing was wrong but she could sense the danger. She tried to start an argument but I left and went to my mom’s house. As soon as my mom saw me she knew that something was terribly wrong. I gave her all the sordid details and I asked if she would work in the tuck shop because my wife would no longer be working there.
I was deadly calm, but not of God. I think it was a kind of demonic force that took hold of me. I went and I took the shotgun and a bag of rounds and placed it in my car. The idea was to come home the next day and to shoot open the door and then to catch her naked in bed with her lover. I was like a hungry lion, wanting something to devour. I sat at home, listening to the conversations on the tape and stewed in the anger.
I was ready to kill when she arrived home.
She gave me the food that she and her lover had prepared together earlier that morning. I knew this from the telephone conversation that I had heard. She was working afternoons only at that stage. I did not eat that night and was cold towards her and I kept to myself. I also learned from the conversations on the tapes that when I went to work he got into my “warm” bed. The thought that I had slept in the same bed moments before, that when I left the bed I was replaced by her lover, making love and having fun, them laughing at what a fool I was, made me even more murderous.
As the night dragged on I went looking for some money I had saved up in a box and as I opened it, I saw that money had been used. I confronted her about the money and an argument started in which she involved her mother. Her mother spoke to me on the phone and I said things that I shouldn't have. We went to bed and she wanted to make up, seeing the dangerous change that had taken place in me, from a soft hearted man to a rude, cruel and cold one.
She realised that something was drastically wrong but couldn't set her finger on it.
She started to nag me because she wanted to know what was happening. Every time she touched me it felt like something exploded inside of me. It was as if an electrical current shocked me. I felt revulsion towards her and it felt if I wanted to throw up each time she touched me.
I could no longer sleep in the same bed with her. When I got out of bed, she lashed out at me.
This was about two o’clock in the morning.
She sat up in bed and switched the lamp on, wanting to light a cigarette in the room, knowing well she was not allowed to smoke in the bedroom. I grabbed the cigarette out of her mouth. She taunted me and was rude as she always was. I lost my temper and I confronted her with the truth that was burning inside of me. She laughed at me and mocked me, trying to fuel the argument. She was bold and arrogant, not knowing that I had proof. She did not believe me when I told her what I knew.
She tried to get out of the bed and before I could think I smacked her in the face. Up to that point she had thought that I was bluffing.
She looked into my dead calm and cold eyes and realised that I knew and she began to tremble. I barked at her, with a hoarse voice, that if she gets up from the bed I would kill her. Sad to say, but true: I was out of my mind and she knew it.
I went to the car and got the tape. As I came back I kicked some things out of my way, and she could hear that I was dangerously angry and that I might do what I had threatened her with. I grabbed a radio with a cassette player and plugged it in. She sat there trembling. She was unsure of herself, not knowing if I had something on the tape or not, but still not willing to repent.
James 3:8: But no one has ever been able to tame the tongue. It is evil and uncontrollable, full of deadly poison.
I said to her, “I am giving you the last chance”; “do you have a lover?” She looked me straight in the eye, without blinking and she swore before God that she did not.
Were you ever so cross that you felt you could kill someone?
I played the tape
The colour slowly drained from her face and she became pale, trembling without control. She put her hands over her ears and shouted that I must stop the tape. I just stood there, towering over her and made her listen to the tape till the end. She could not get away from her lies and she knew then that it was all was over between us. She sat there weeping.
I took the cell phone and I phoned her friend. He answered the phone and I spoke to him, in the same tone of voice as she did on the tape, “hi precious, the key is in the window and do not forget to park your car under the tree, and watch out for the guy living next door, make sure he does not see you, he is working with my hubby”. “I am waiting in the bathtub”.
The silence on the other side of the phone confirmed the truth. After the shock, he recovered and then he started to deny it all and he said I must not bother him so early in the morning. I said that he must come and pick up his lover, I will do nothing to him, he must just come and take get her out of my sight.
Proverbs 6:26: A man can hire a prostitute for the price of a loaf of bread, but adultery will cost him all he has.
I was stunned; he would not even stand up for her. He kept on denying everything, so I decided to phone her mother. I barked into the phone that her mother must come and take this “whore” out of my house before I kill her. I was so out of my mind at that moment and her mother heard something dangerous in my voice. Her mother did not know me to be a harsh person.
I went to the kitchen to take some painkillers because I suddenly had an unbearable headache.
I was so angry that I started to tremble. I tried to put the tablets into my mouth but my hands shook so much that the tablets could not reach my mouth. After numerous attempts I finally placed the tablets in my mouth and drank, the same happened with the water in the glass.
The phone rang and it was her mother but I was not in the mood to talk. I called my wife and told her to talk to her mother and that she must take her things and leave. I gave her an hour and if she was still there, I would start destroying her stuff.
I walked up and down in the house ready to destroy anything in my path.
I was afraid of myself at that moment and I was thinking of fetching the shotgun, but by the grace of God, I never got there. I know today that it was only by grace I did not shoot her and even myself that night.
She came to me in the lounge and started to beg me to hit or to kick her, or to do anything I liked to her, but not to chase her away. She stood on her knees before me and was ready for whatever I would dish out.
I stood there towering over her, fists ready and white knuckled, shaking with anger and rage uncontrollable and unknown to myself. I started to think to myself, if I kill her, I would be going to jail and her lover would be free to go on with his life. I just stood there without moving, although my being wanted to kick and break, the source of pain. I could feel her soft flesh breaking, ripping and tearing and blood squirting all over me, in my minds eye but I thought to myself, I could kill her with my bare hands so angry and hurt was I, but it was as if something made me unmovable, I couldn’t move even if I tried.
Strangely, at that moment peace came over me. It was as if I could see deeper into things, than before.
Later I would realise that she knew it was over between us and she needed me to assault her, so she could use that for self-justification.
Fifteen years; gone in a moment; life, as I knew it, was over. I could not say for how long we stood there, but there I died. I was dead to her and to myself.
She stood up later and she started to pack in her things, with trembling hands. She realised that I would not back off from my decision and that she had overplayed her hand and lost all. She thought that because I loved her so much she could do whatever she wanted and I would forgive her. She packed her stuff in her car and left as soon as her brother came. He did not come into the house but was standing in the street, too afraid of me.
Silence, in pain, mixed with shame and anger, I sat in the dark. My world had collapsed. All my dreams, desires and visions were scattered. I thought to myself that if I was alone the pain would go away and I would have peace and rest, but the opposite was true. I was like a wounded, trapped animal in a cage.
I can not remember what happened in the days that followed. The next few days were bad, but I survived. My wife did not want to have any contact with the children. I went and fetched my children from boarding schools, and put my daughter in a school close to our home.
Shortly after this I was arrested by the Police. By this time the SAP had a case docket for rape, manslaughter, and a possession of a gun with intention of using it on her and my daughter, against me.
I was treated badly by the police investigating the case and was still pushed around even after they found that there was no evidence against me. I was released after signing a form that stated that the SAP did not treat me badly.
I later learned that my wife had made these allegations against me for her own self-justification, for she had made me into some kind of monster in the eyes of friends and her family. But I praise God that His word is the truth, that all plans (tongues) raised against me shall not prevail and that the truth will overcome.
Isaiah 54:17: No weapon that is formed against thee shall prosper; and every tongue [that] shall rise against thee in judgment thou shall condemn. This [is] the heritage of the servants of the LORD, and their righteousness [is] of me, saith the LORD.
James 3:5-6: So it is with the tongue: small as it is, it can boast about great things. Just think how large a forest can be set on fire by a tiny flame! And the tongue is like a fire. It is a world of wrong, occupying its place in our bodies and spreading evil through our whole being.
It sets on fire the entire course of our existence with the fire that comes to it from hell itself.
Read the Continue hub! (Links: Testimony Continues 3)
Louis & Cavell 2010
My Testimony Continues!
- Louis Fourie's Divorce getting ugly! (Testimony Continues 3)
By telling you my story (part 3) to experience my pain and also the process of healing in the same way I experienced it. This is my testimony, I penned down, in the process of getting healed.
- Louis Fourie's to Divorce or not to Divorce? (Personal Testimony 1)
By telling you my story, you will experience my pain and also the process of healing in the same way I experienced it.This is my personal testimony, I penned down, in the process of getting healed. I hope that this story will also give you some point
The impact of Divorce on Children!
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© 2013 Louis Fourie