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Mothers And Fathers Unite

Updated on July 14, 2013

THEY LEARN EARLY

Has this ever happened to you

Has this ever happened to you? Little Johnny comes to you and asks for candy before dinner, dinner being about a half hour away. You say no, because it might spoil his appetite. Cleverly, Johnny goes to daddy and makes the same request. Daddy says yes, Johnny comes back to the kitchen with telltale signs of having had candy. What Johnny did was to report to daddy that you were being mean to him, for not letting him have candy, daddy, not wanting to be the bad guy, gives in. What Johnny has just done was to "play one parent against another." Happens everyday!

Could this scenario be one you've experienced? Teenager Tonya asks to go to the movies on a school night. She first approach you, daddy, you say absolutely not. She then goes to mother, who gives in, and says, in the presence of Tonya, she sees nothing wrong with it, after all she used to do it. What happens? Tonya gets to go to the movies, knowing that she has to get up early the next morning for school. She too has "played one parent against another." Again, happens everyday.

What about Little Bad Bobby, (whom we met in another hub, the Jealousy is rottenness to the bones, series, go over and take a look). Well anyway, Bobby wants everything he sees, especially when on a shopping trip, whether he can use it or not. For instance family shopping in a Sporting Goods store for fishing equipment for a fishing outing. Dad buys a rod and reel, Bobby decides he wants one too, (Bobby doesn't like fishing). Father offers to buy Bobby a starter rod and reel. "No, no, no," Bobby says in a loud voice. "I want one like yours." Dad tries to hold his ground, with mother siding with Bobby saying, "why can't he have that one?" Both had agreed that this time they wouldn't give in, but alas with a little more prodding from mother, Bobby gets the expensive rod and reel.

With all three scenarios the predicted happens. Johnny is not hungry, and doesn't eat a well balanced meal. Tonya, has a hard time getting up the next morning and does very poorly in school that day. Bobby gets the fishing equipment, and as predicted he never uses it. In these families this is common, because all three children have learned, through experience, what it takes to get around each parent.

Two parent families

Being a two parent family doesn't solve all the problems of raising children. Children learn early on in life what their boundaries are. They learn how, and if they can, "play one parent against the other." Two parent families are the desired situation in which to raise children, however sometimes the disciplinarian feels as if they are in it all alone. Because what they say is often supplanted by the more lenient parent.

Parents, if you want to raise happy well-adjusted children, both should be on the "same page." In other words, you need to present a united front as far as the disciplining of your young ones, is concerned. The answer, "Yes," coming from one should be understood that "yes" comes from both, conversely when a course is forbidden by one, it is forbidden by both.


Rules

Every household should have established rules, rules that are applied to all in the household. If it's bad for Judy, it should be bad for Johnny. Of course, because the physical makeup of both genders are quite different, all rules would not completely apply to girls the same as boys. For instance going out at night alone would be different for boys than for girls. Although, now, going out alone in some cases is dangerous for both, but ordinarily this would not be the case.

Rules, however, should not be so rigid that there is no movement within them, conversely they should not be so lax that no one knows the boundaries. If these rules are established early in life it should not be hard for young one to adhere to them. There is a scripture in the bible that says, "let your yes mean yes, and your no mean no." So, when the answer is no, it should be understood that the answer is no, unless of course there are extenuating circumstances. Then maybe after some dialogue, the particular rule can be bent, not broken, with explanation. This should be agreed upon by both parents, and be presented with a united front.



Examples

Speaking about rules, there's a saying that goes something like this, "children learn what they live." So if your children constantly see you breaking rules with no apparent consequences, then what's to prevent them from doing the same, and challenging you when you try to set rules for them. (I'm just saying). Take this rule for instances, there is no cheating on school work, all work must be done by the child, of course with assistance from you, at times. What do you think, when tax time comes you add another sibling that they didn't know they had, (and they really don't), but you, of course, "needed" this exemption. And look at that, you didn't get caught, you laughed all the way to the bank. You stuck it to ole Uncle Sam. Don't be surprised if you become "ole Uncle Sam," in their eyes, know what I'm saying.

Do you think this young lady will get her way all through her life? Follow the thread of the video and see the outcome

Conclusion

So in conclusion, I reiterate, MOTHERS AND FATHERS UNITE, for your children's sake. There is a saying especially, in the African American community, "If you don't discipline your children the police will." And believe me their discipline is much harsher than anything a loving parent can do. I've actually seen situations, where parents weren't united in their approach to discipline, go very badly.

For instance, a few years ago at my favorite hair salon there was a fellow patron, who would account in detail the escapades of her son, especially the bad things he did. She would describe them with frivolity. Of course, they seemed very bad to those of us listening. She told us about the time the young man slapped the teacher, because, as she said the teacher put his hand in the boy's face, she even admitted that the situation was the boy's fault. She recounted in detail some of the arguments that she and her husband had concerning raising him, the dad losing out the majority of the time. To make a long story short, I saw her a few years after we had stopped using that salon, and I asked about her son, and now this is bad. She said that he had been killed by the police, still, she said that it wasn't his fault, and to be fair, it could not have been, but the fact of the matter is he died the way he lived. Now, this is a very extreme example, real, but extreme nevertheless. I'm not saying that the lack of discipline will always lead to an outcome like this, but why to take a chance.

To be honest, you will be more appreciated by your children if they have limits at home, because when they get to the real world there are limits and if they don't appreciate this the consequences will be harsher than what you could have done to them. I once read a comment from a young woman in prison, she said she would not have been in that predicament had her father said no to her, once in a while. She said, she had no limits, anything she wanted to do was alright with her father. There's a scripture in the bible that says something to this effect, "if you pamper your child from his youth up, when he grows up he will become a thankless one." Remember when your parents said disciplining you would hurt them more than it hurt you, guess what, it's true, but they suffered the pain for the moment to prevent you suffering future long lasting pain.

With all three young people spoken of in the beginning, what do you think the outcome could be if all are allowed to continue on in this vain? Of course, no one can really say, the vast majority of problems experienced today by so many adults, began with situations like the ones above. Still I say, suffer the pain today, so your child won't have to suffer the pain of not obeying the rules of the real world later.

Comments

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    • fastfreta profile imageAUTHOR

      Alfreta Sailor 

      8 years ago from Southern California

      Thanks so much Shalini, I'm glad to see you again. I'm also glad that you found this hub interesting, and thanks for reading. See you soon.

    • Shalini Kagal profile image

      Shalini Kagal 

      8 years ago from India

      Very powerful - what a great hub, fastfreta! Parents forget that it's in the child's interest to agree on the rules. I haven't been reading as many hubs as I used to because of Christmas/New Year break but I'm back and look forward to reading all of yours.

    • fastfreta profile imageAUTHOR

      Alfreta Sailor 

      8 years ago from Southern California

      WOW! It sounds like the example in the hub. Thanks SweetiePie for validation, and for stopping and reading. See you soon.

    • SweetiePie profile image

      SweetiePie 

      8 years ago from Southern California, USA

      My family was a two parent family, but my mom ended up having to be the enforcer many times. I know in high school my dad told my sister she could hang out with her friends as much as she wanted because that is what he did as a kid. My mom was not real happy about that because then my sister was away from the house too much, and her grades suffered. Parents should definitely be on the same page, I agree!

    • fastfreta profile imageAUTHOR

      Alfreta Sailor 

      8 years ago from Southern California

      Ah habee, the joys of grandmotherhood, (not a word, ha,ha). I agree, I don't tolerate disrespect ever, not even for their own parents. Thanks for stopping, see you soon.

    • habee profile image

      Holle Abee 

      8 years ago from Georgia

      As a Nana, I rarely have to deal with discipline, thank goodness! I can spoil the kids while they're here, then send them home for their parents to deal with. The one thing I don't tolerate, however, is disrespect. Luckily, that hasn't been a problem. Good hub!

    • fastfreta profile imageAUTHOR

      Alfreta Sailor 

      8 years ago from Southern California

      I totally agree, what a shame she's been led to believe that the world revolves around her. Thanks Chris for stopping and reading this hub. Please come by again.

    • chrismarva profile image

      chrismarva 

      8 years ago

      Mackenzie is not going to have a happy life. She will be lucky if she gets to see 30 before she kills her self. Life is full of disappointments and daddy can't fix everything. I’m so sorry for her and for her shallow life.

    • fastfreta profile imageAUTHOR

      Alfreta Sailor 

      8 years ago from Southern California

      I agree Lady_E, a united front is what parents need to have in order not to be pitted against one another. I used to be like you say the Africans are, but I quickly learned and stopped interfering with my husband's discipline. What I realized was that he loved them as much as I did, and would not intentionally harm them.

      Thanks Lady_E for reading my hub through, see you soon.

    • Lady_E profile image

      Elena 

      8 years ago from London, UK

      A very important Hub for parents. If one is not happy with the other they should put on a united front but discuss in private. I know some Africans, when the Husband beats the child, the wife now jumps in and says, "please, take it easy on my child" or "that punishment is too harsh" etc.

      This Hub would help a lot of parents and even those of us who are yet to. :)

      It's a pity about that woman's son. (beauty salon)

      Thanks and Best Wishes

    • fastfreta profile imageAUTHOR

      Alfreta Sailor 

      8 years ago from Southern California

      LizzyBoo, that young lady's actions rendered me speechless also, it almost seemed staged, but in the end I believe it is real. Thanks for validating my suspicions concerning two parent families.

      Thanks Philipo for your compliments.

      Thank you both for stopping and reading my hub. I look forward to seeing you two soon.

    • Philipo profile image

      Philipo 

      8 years ago from Nigeria

      Very creative and educative hub especially for parents.

    • LizzyBoo profile image

      LizzyBoo 

      8 years ago from Czech Republic

      OMG I just got speechless again. When I've seen the girl shouting at her Dad coz of the wrong colour. I cannot believe that.

      Back to your hub- It is fantastic and I believe many famillies do experience with 2 parents family. I met this attitude in UK as an Au-pair. This behaviour has mostly a children who has everything. Grat hub- Lizzy

    • fastfreta profile imageAUTHOR

      Alfreta Sailor 

      8 years ago from Southern California

      Thank you all for stopping and reading this, one of my favorite hubs.

      Sweetie1, ladyjane1, BK, Tammy, Hello, hello I so agree with your assessments and thanks for your input. Some of the things you all said I wish I had included in the hub.

      Thank you creativeone and chinweike for stopping and for your compliments.

      Thank you Micky Dee, I just have to ask, what is a "blue care?"

      Thank you all again for stopping, please come back and read more.

    • sweetie1 profile image

      sweetie1 

      8 years ago from India

      hi many a times it happens that a child ask a parent and he says no and then he ask other parent and she says yes without knowing that his or her partner has said no already. Also yes one up on partner can happen which shouldn't but happens and child get spoilt that way.

    • ladyjane1 profile image

      ladyjane1 

      8 years ago from Texas

      That was awesome fastfreta. You are very smart about the parents turning on one another by the child it happens everyday and I remember doing it a couple of times growing up. My father let me get away with murder. But it all came back to me when I had children lol. That last video of the girl that wanted the blue care, they should have just kicked her a**. An example of how spoiled and ungrateful children can be. Great hub.

    • creativeone59 profile image

      benny Faye Douglass 

      8 years ago from Gold Canyon, Arizona

      Thank you fastfret for a true hub on life happens i family mlife. Thank you for sharing it. Godspeed. creativeone59

    • BkCreative profile image

      BkCreative 

      8 years ago from Brooklyn, New York City

      Add to this lack of parenting - the wild idea that they can then send brats to school and everything becomes the teacher's responsibility. So little education takes place in early ed with children being totally disruptive and destroying education for all. It gets worse at middle school.

      But America likes this early childhood misbehavior - they are then labeled as ADHD and put on some toxic drugs.

      Parenting is hard work and full time - but discipline is an investment that works forever.

      Thanks fastfreta!

    • chinweike profile image

      Chinweike 

      8 years ago from Glasgow, UK

      This is yet another bomb as far as parenting is concerned.

      Keep rolling them in

    • profile image

      Tammy Lochmann 

      8 years ago

      Excellent article. If a child grows up not respecting one parent or the other how can we expect him to respect all adults and other people in general. This is why we have so many angry violent people out there. Also parents must show respect to each other to set an example to children.

      Thanks again!

    • Micky Dee profile image

      Micky Dee 

      8 years ago

      Very nice. It's a blue care! Oh no!

    • Hello, hello, profile image

      Hello, hello, 

      8 years ago from London, UK

      I know from my own experience that if your husband, the child father, will not stand by you it is so damaging. Thank you for your hub.

    • fastfreta profile imageAUTHOR

      Alfreta Sailor 

      8 years ago from Southern California

      Thanks Veronica, that took some time in coming. Somebody, (smile), can't sleep, ironically when you are getting up I'm still up.

    • Veronica Allen profile image

      Veronica Allen 

      8 years ago from Georgia

      Just wanted to stop by again, and congratulate you on your 300 followers! What an acheivement.

    • fastfreta profile imageAUTHOR

      Alfreta Sailor 

      8 years ago from Southern California

      Thanks RevLady, I'm glad the videos are being viewed, because I think a picture is worth a thousand words. See you soon.

    • RevLady profile image

      RevLady 

      8 years ago from Lantana, Florida

      A great parenting hub. You made excellent videos choices that supports your article. Thank you.

      Forever His,

    • fastfreta profile imageAUTHOR

      Alfreta Sailor 

      8 years ago from Southern California

      Thanks Veronica, I thought those videos would strike a cord with someone. Thanks as usual for stopping by. See you soon.

    • Veronica Allen profile image

      Veronica Allen 

      8 years ago from Georgia

      Fastfreta you've done it again. Those videos were very powerful, I was totally taken aback at the reaction the young lady exhibited when her father purchased the wrong color car. It's so good to have these reminders. When two parents are not on the same page, then trouble will definetly follow.

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