Parenting Tips-Things That Worked For Us

I am not a psychologist or counselor but I am a parent of grown children and would like to share some things I learned. I have heard people say that kids don't come with an instruction manual. That is only partially true. They may not come with an instruction manual but many books have been written. However, a lot of the problems come from interpretation and implementation of theory. That said, people relating stories and experiences and learning from them is one of the best "manuals" there can be. People have been around raising children for centuries and there are plenty around you just look. Try to determine what is working for them and what is not? You don't need a degree to make those kind of observations. And you should begin making those observations of newborns and never quit because you will constantly need to be making adjustments. But you don't need to reinvent the wheel. Keep trying. Don't wait until the child is in adolescence, then wake up one day and say "I must have done something wrong." If you are being observant of your child and others you should be able to make those judgements. There can be nothing passive about parenting, you have to be proactive.

A lot of people like to stress discipline in child rearing but incorrect disciple can be harmful and counter productive and can even at time cross a line into abuse. I don't want this to evolve into a discussion of corporal punishment. What I want to stress instead is the necessity of constant discipline instead of type of disciple. The child needs to understand there is a constant consequence for specific behaviors. If a child determines that corrective measures will only be meted out occasionally they will subconsciously determine whether or not it is worth the risk. To illustrate that: if you stick your hand in a fire you will get burnt every time. Not just occasionally. If a child misbehaves they need corrective measures every time. That seems like such a simple illustration and principle that is seems almost insulting to have to include it in tips for parenting. But that is probably one of the most violated principles there is. Parents tend to discipline when the child has inconvenienced them, embarrassed them or irritated them.

Everyone likes to be treated with respect. Children are no exception. Many parents like to quote the infamous Scriptural commandment "Honor thy father and mother" but kids learn by example. If you want your kids to respect you and I don't know of anyone that doesn't, respect them. You don't want them to embarrass you in public, don't embarrass them in public. You want them to talk respectfully to you, you set the example, talk respectfully to them. Many parent seem to think respect is a one-way street. Not so!

Along that same line. I allowed my kids to say what they were thinking and express their opinions. I even let them have the last word in a disagreement. However, I still let them know that the final and ultimate decision or conclusion was mine. But you would be surprised at what having the last word does. It often means more to them than having their way. (That one works in other situations as well, try it.)(Being human though, I think I may have failed at this at times.)

 Once my kids were old enough to know how to write and construct sentences and paragraphs, whenever they committed an act deserving of correction, I made them compose a written document describing the offense, explain why they should or should not have acted in the manner they did and what they were going to do to prevent it from happening in the future. It was my intention that as they grew older the length and complexity of the document would increase especially if repeat offenses. The idea behind such a requirement was to make them think about what they were doing. I rarely had to use it. (Downside-I don't think they like writing even to this day.)

 I never "grounded" our kids. Through observations as I described above, I observed that kids don't have enough to do, they are often "bored". Most grounding actions by parents is to deprive kids of their favorite activities. True, kids hate it, but it leaves them with more time to be "bored". I preferred instead to increase chores or activities of my choosing insisted on those having a higher priority than their favorite activities. They have less time to be "bored" and less time to think of ways to be counterproductive.

I also never set curfews for our kids. (Our daughter still says she was the only one in high school without one.) But that doesn't mean no restrictions. My philosophy was be home at a reasonable time. That unspecified time naturally lengthened as they grew older and more responsible. My rationale was that if I set a specific time, at some time it would be challenged. In light of the principles stated above if I had said 11:00 and they came home at 11:01, I would be forced to take some kind of action and even I didn't think 1 minute would be worthy of corrective action. But is 5 minutes or 10 minutes? Reasonable is more flexible. ("10ish" or 11ish" I think is more effective)

Always know where each other is at all times. Always let your kids know where you are and how they can reach you and then you can expect the same from them. That should be a family courtsey among all members. Insist on it.

Pray! Pray! Pray! Even doing the best you can, following all the best advice and making adjustments as needed, you will make mistakes and feel inadequate. You need divine guidance and they need divine protection. And God is able to fulfill both of those needs.