This story I am about to tell you is true. It will seem like something you might think you would read in a book or see in a movie.I will not use names for reasons that are best kept unknown. The only reason I am able to talk about this and am still able to function in my life after these things took place is by the love and strength of God and my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
I will began by telling you that I had a brother that suffered from severe depression. I can tell you there were many times he tried to commit suicide and failed at these attempts. When I was thirteen years old I was having a couple of my friends over the to stay the night. My brother at this time was twenty one. He also had some of his friends over. My mom and a couple of girls that also lived in our house had gone to bed. It was late at night and my friends and I were in my living room listening to music. My brothers friends left and my brother ask me if mom had any red lipstick. I really didn't think too much about it because he was always playing jokes on me and I just figured that he was up to his old tricks. A few minutes passed and one of the girls that was living in our home came to me and said that she saw my brother go into my mom's room and he came out with a gun and went into the bathroom. I got up, went to the bathroom door and knocked. I asked him what he was doing. He told me to bring him a glass of water. The way the house was made from my kitchen sink there was a small hallway but I could see the bathroom. For some reason I felt a rather odd feeling come over me and I ran and hit the bathroom door. As I hit the door the gun went off. The door flung open and there laid my brother. He had shot himself and of course the gun was laying in the floor. I started screaming and I remember my mom coming into the bathroom and then I remember seeing an ambulance and seeing some guys load my brother on a stretcher and place him in the ambulance.I was horrified and in shock as was my mom and the other people in our house. He lived through it. He had shot himself one inch above the heart and the bullet exited at the top off his shoulder. He was in the hospital for 7 weeks. Needless to say this was not easy for me or my family to deal with. Now as time passed by, my brother tried several different things to take his life. All at which failed...until 1984. This is a whole different kind of issue.
I had married and moved away. I stayed on edge every time the phone rang at night if it was late because I feared it would be someone calling to tell me my brother was dead. And that's what happened. Only I was told he had shot himself in the head and he was brain dead. I lived in another state and I am the oldest of five girls and I was needed at the hospital to sign some papers and make some tough decisions. ( my mom had passed away from cancer in 1979 ) The way that every thing took place this time was some what different. Let me try and explain. My brother was living with a woman and this woman had three children. Two that lived at home. A girl age 13 and a boy age 15. She had an older son that lived some where else. The next day I made arrangements and flew to where my brother was. My sisters met me at the airport and we went on to the hospital. What I was about to find out would and has changed my life forever. I was told by a friend of my brothers that 4 hours before my brother was shot, he received a call from him. He said, my brother told him he and this woman were having some problems and that he had laid down to take a nap one day and he heard a noise. He said, he looked up and this 15 year old boy had a gun pointed to his head and was pulling the trigger. My brothers friend said my brother told him he knocked the gun out of this boy's hand and got up from the bed, picked the gun up and it had one bullet in it. Then my brother told his friend that one day before this he was standing at the sink getting a drink of water and he heard a noise and just as he turned around this boy was about to stab him in the back. So, with that in mind,my brothers friend said my brother asked him if he could stay with him for awhile before some one got hurt. His friend was at work but told my brother he would be there to pick him up after he got off of work to have his things packed. Four hours later, this friend of my brother got a call my brother had shot himself. I was told by the time the police got to the place my brother was the woman he was living with had already started cleaning up the blood. I was also told that before I got to the hospital, some police showed up at the hospital to ask some questions. The boy that had tried to do this stuff to my brother when he saw the police made the comment, my moms in trouble now, I saw her come out of the bathroom with the gun in her hand. There were also two calls made to another one of my brothers friends and the person said, if you want to know why ( and they named the woman my brother was living with ) 2 other husbands are dead, check into it and hung up. There were lots of questions and not enough time for answers.
My sisters and I went into the room to see my brother. It was all I could do to hold it together. But you see, I was ( and still am ) a Christian and I believe God can do anything !!! I had it in my mind that I was going to go right into this room, pray for my brother and God was going to raise him up and my sisters would see the glory of God and His healing power and then they would receive salvation and my family would live happily ever after serving God.That is not what happened at all. A doctor told us that my brothers heart had already stopped beating twice and they brought him back. Then we were told we had to make a decision. Either we could leave my brother on life support until his heart just stopped beating , or we could allow them to go ahead and remove the life support and that would be it, but the real kicker was this other choice. We could sign papers for him to be a donor ! Wow, what a shock. In order for him to be a donor his heart had to still be beating and his his vital signs stable. We told this doctor we would talk it over and he told us we had one hour to make a decision. We walked out of the room and feeling numb and not really knowing the best thing to do. This friend of my brother told us that my brother had told him a few times if any thing ever happened to him he wanted to be a donor. He said it was one of the things he felt like he would be able to do to make a difference because he had messed up his life so bad. So we threw some ideas around and decided the way we would deal with it. With me being the oldest, I had to sign the papers agreeing to this. NOT AN EASY THING TO DO !!!
We were given one last time to go in and say our goodbye's. Even though the doctors said, since my brother was brain dead, he was already considered dead anyway and couldn't hear anything. I prayed for my brother and ask God to save his soul. I said to my brother, if you can hear me move your hand. He moved his thumb. I told one of the nurses, he's not dead, he heard me, he moved his thumb. She said, no honey, thats just caused from the nerves.
As my sisters and I walked out of the room into the hallway this 15 year old boy that had tried to do those things to my brother came running down the hall screaming, don't sign those papers. If you do, you are the murderer ! His mom came up from behind him and grabbed him and my sisters husband held me back. We buried my brother on July 5th 1984
The reason I am putting this story out there is because people need to know how the ones that are left behind from such a horrible thing can go on with their life. I never blamed God. I didn't understand for along time why when I prayed for my brother to rise up off that bed it didn't happen. I also think, there is a possibility my brother was murdered and it was made to look like a suicide. Because of the many times he had tried to commit suicide, there was no further investigation. My sisters and I have talked about this whole thing many times. We have our own ideas about what we think happened, but no proof. I even went to an attorney and he said because of my brothers past and the fact that really we didn't have lots of money to sink into this to try and make a case we would be wasting our time. I have trusted God to get me through the many dark hours of all the memories and these terrible times. I prayed and said, God why don't you show us some how what really happened to my brother. Nothing has showed up. I felt guilty for years thinking it was my fault he was dead. If I hadn't signed those papers and trusted more in God and gave God more time, my brother would still be alive. I don't know. Maybe he was murdered and I pray that before he died he ask Jesus to forgive his sins and accept Jesus as his Savior. God has the power to do all things and why he didn't bring my brother through, again, I don't know. I believe now that my sisters and I are not suppose to know the truth about what happened. If we found out he was murdered would we be able to forgive the one that did it? If we couldn't, than God wouldn't forgive us of our sins. We would have to pray for the salvation of the person that did this. Could we do that and mean it ? If we found out that he did commit suicide, would we be able to carry on our life without being loaded down with the guilt and think it is our fault? So many questions? This is now May 2008. I hear all the time about someone taking their own life. I pray for these people that suffer from depression and I pray for the ones that need the strength to be there beside the ones that suffer from depression. God's Word says, He will never leave us or forsake us. I know in my heart God gives strength to the ones that are down and feel like they are worthless. He says, call upon Me and I will answer you if you seek Me with your whole heart.
I get depressed myself and I know I can always count on God and He always sees me through. No matter what.
Psalm 116:8 For thou has rescued my soul from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling.
Psalm 40:1-2 I waited patiently for the Lord; and He inclined to me, and heard my cry. he brought me up out of the pit of destruction, out of the miry clay; and He set my feet upon a rock making my footsteps firm.
Isaiah 41:31 yet those that wait upon the Lord will He will renew their strength; they will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint.
Isaiah 41:10 Do not fear, for I am with you; do not anxiously look about you, for I am your
God. I will strengthen you, surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.
Matthew 11: 28-30 Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart; and you shall find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My load is light.
I hope if anyone that is reading this is considering suicide, you take this moment and ask God to help you and give you strength. He has a plan for you and a purpose for your life. If He didn't, you never would have been born. And besides that God loves you !! You are important.
Psalm 139: 13-16 For you did form my inward parts and weave me in my mother's womb. I will give thanks to the for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; wonderful are thy works and my soul knows it well. My frame was not hidden from thee, when I was made in secret, and skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth. Thine eyes have seen my unformed substance; and in Thy book they were all written, the days that were ordained for me, when as yet there was not one of them.
For I know the plans that I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not calamity to give you a future and a hope.
May God give you the peace of mind you need and show you, you are worth something.
God loved you so much, He sent His only son Jesus, to die for you that you would be saved.
How much more could be given?
In Christ love,
Your story illustrates the dilemma that doctors create for families when they pressure relatives to donate their loved one's organs. The media highlight the positive aspects of organ donations but they do not talk about the trauma that sometimes comes with making such a difficult decision. I am sorry that you were forced to make such a choice.
I would also like to offer you my perspective on what I perceive to be your sense of guilt and doubt over the choice that you made. I hope I don't give any offense. I am only trying to help.
I think that there are two possibilities: 1) your brother was already dead in which case your decision was right and by donating his organs you helped other people to live. You should feel no regret over your actions. 2) Or your brother was not really dead, but died because his organs were harvested. I realize that this alternative is the one that haunts you. If that is the case, I hope you will accept that you did not commit any sin and your should not blame yourself. Your actions were based on what the doctors told you, and you had no bad intent.
Moreover, if it was a medical mistake that terminated his life (rather then suicide) then I hope you will take some comfort from the fact that it means that your brother did not die from suicide, which most Christians believe to be the sin of self-murder. The unintended consequence of the second option is that your prayers for your brother's salvation may have been answered in this way.
Either way, your actions were not blameworthy. Trust in the fact that you prayed for guidance and believe that whatever really happened, you acted in good faith. Try to put this horrible incident behind you and move on with your life. There is no point in trying to determine which alternative is correct, because you would only be guessing. By dwelling on this you only blight your own life.
Try to forget and put it behind you. Don't beat yourself up over the choice that you made. There was nothing else that you could have done under the circumstaces. Live your life as God wants you to and do not dwell on his death, but concentrate on your family and your relationship with God.
I am confident that Jesus will help you heal and find peace.
Thank you for your time and response. I actually know what you say to be true. Part of my point to this is, I know through God people can get through anything. I gain my strength from the Lord and I in fact no longer blame myself. I may have written it to where it comes off that way and I didn't mean too. If it were not for God and my relationship with Him, I wouldn't be able to cope. Because of Him, I can. I wanted to put this out there for anyone else that might have gone through something like this or going through any thing like this to let them know, With the strength of the Lord, they can make it. He is our PEACE.That is why I put scriptures on here. In hopes that it may help give someone else a hope. Thanks again.
Don't get depressed too much.By just reading this small sad story its hard to come to any conclusion if its suicide or murder.Whatever it was i don't see anything wrong done by your hands in all that.Blessings
I think alot of suicide and murder come from life itself cause i've tried it 3 times and it was not good alot came from life things love,money it's hard anymore.
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Especially in young teens who are dealing with issues about their sexuality. <promotional statement snipped>
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