Letting the 'tail wag the dog' ...WARNING - KINDA LONG

1. 52

   ladyp03posted 12 years ago

   Hi, I don't know if this is the right forum but I have a question and would like some advice.  I'm trying very hard to be understanding and patient, but it's bothering me.
   
   My Ex used to say, when I was pregnant with our daughter and he saw the way other parents raised their child, that there was no way that his daughter was going to 'run the show' in our house, that we were going to be in control and not let 'the tail wag the dog', in other words, not let her make the decisions or do what she wants to do.
   
   Well, he is so true to his word b/c now, he won't let our 9 year old daughter pursue her interests.  Our dtr has been taking dance lessons for 5 years and loves it - her friends are in there and that is all she does at home is dance around the house.  When I sign her up for dancing (and of course, he refuses to help pay), I need to make sure that it's only on a day she is with me b/c he doesn't want it to interfere with his time with her.  So that means, she is very limited as to what classes she can take (moving up, taking higher level classes) b/c they could be on Wednesdays or on Saturday and she is with him every other wknd.  This year, he will not let her participate in her dance recital b/c it's a weekend she is with him and he doesn't think it is a wholesome environment for her to be in and it's sexually inappropriate (it's not like they will be Pole Dancing!!).  she is of course, devastated.  He won't even let her be in the dance class pictures b/c again, it's on a weekend he is with her.
   
   She was also interested in doing cheerleading this fall for the town football team (like a Pop Warner/Vince Lombardi league).  Nope, she can't do that b/c besides THAT not being a wholesome venue, practices and/or games would be on his night during the week and then practice on Saturday/game on Sundays during the season.  Again, her good friends are doing it - I am so afraid she is going to not have friends b/c they will all be moving forward with their sport/activity/dance, etc and she won't be doing anything.
   
   Is there nothing I can do?  By the time she can stand up for herself, yes she is afraid of him, her friends will all be surpassing her in abilities and she's home, doing nothing and just the atmosphere to get into trouble.  She often says, mommy, can't you do anyting and I feel terrible!!  anything suggestion would be welcomed.
   
   oh and he refuses to let her read/have around the house any kids magazines (tiger beat) and he told me to get rid of it too!!
   
   Lish

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2. 60

   SomewayOuttaHereposted 12 years ago

   control freak....he needs some parent ed classes....too uptight for whatever reason...your daughter will suffer...soooooooo...ditch 'em!

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3. 60

   Teresas Girlposted 12 years ago

   Hi Lish,
   
   It sounds like its not so much of a case of him wanting to avoid a situation where the "tail wags the dog" rather its that he dosen't want his life disturbed by fatherhood. Sounds like he should never have agreed to kids!!
   
   where will this stop?? What if she's getting married on a Saturday - will he be there?  will this interfere in his routine??
   
   I'm afraid the only advice I can give Lish is that you need to stand in her corner and let him know that if hes not willing to take a more proactive role in his child's social development then you will be making moves to have contact stopped indefinately until he can sort out his priorities. It sounds like he may not put up too much of a flight unfortunately....
   
   Can maybe your days and his swap to accommodate in the short term?
   
   Oh I feel for you and your daughter - what a horrible situation!
   
   Sending you and your daughter hugs ()()()()()()

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