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My Top Ten List for Having Kids
Don't get me wrong - I love my kids...but like most parents, some days I would gladly give them away to any circus that happened to be passing by. Preferably one where they would learn some valuable skills like caring for llamas or something - anything.
...and then I remember how very much I love them. I remember how much joy they have brought into my life, and I realize how very lucky I am to have them.
Days when things get a little out of hand, I make my mental gratitude list. When I am very stressed, I take a moment to sit down and quietly reflect on my list of all the things for which I am grateful. I picture each face, and say each name quietly to myself, along with one reason to be grateful that person is in my life.
Some days, though, my list looks more like this...
Reason # 10 - Home decorating is a snap...
Why spend all that money buying paintings and accessories, when you have a virtual gold mine living with you. Just sit little Johnny down with some paper and crayons, and voila - you have an original one-of-a-kind masterpiece that will rival the expressionist painters of today.
Just look at the colours! Bold, vivid, and a definite use of imagination.
If you have more than one child, you can not only redecorate your home, you can make some extra money selling the ones you don't want!
Reason #9 - Built in babysitting
Now you can spend a leisurely afternoon and evening with the gang, answering those hard questions like "how many beers does it take before you pass out," or this important query, "If I keep drinking will I have a hangover tomorrow?" You can ponder those life affirming answers because you have a ready made sitter, available any time you want!
Now you don't have to worry who's minding the store, and can give yourself the time you deserve to relax and languish amongst friends, knowing that your precious bundles of joy are being well taken care of.
Reason #8 - Cheap domestic labour and personal chauffeur
This is living the American Dream. You will be the envy of the neighbourhood when you show off your new domestic help. Such loyalty and dedication to duty is very hard to come by nowadays - Oh, careful, you missed a spot...
Just imagine being driven to your part time job by your own personal chauffeur! Better not let the boss see this or that raise you've been asking for will fly out the window.
Anyone who can afford this kind of luxury has no business hassling the boss for more money. Besides, if he were to see this, he would want a personal chauffeur too, and that would upset the entire balance.
Reason #7 - What about the yard?
My goodness, how could I be so careless as to forget the upkeep on the property. Your property values will soar when you harness the power of kids. Jovial, smiling, dedicated and experienced, these workers will have your yard whipped into shape in no time.
Now you have the time to plan for that neighbourhood barbeque you have been dreaming about.
Reason #6 - Manage your own dry cleaning business
Now you're talking! You will be "moving on up" when you open this puppy. You will finally be able to say goodbye to your boss, and write your own ticket anywhere you want to go. What God fearing man wouldn't want to be the proud owner of his own dry cleaning shop? And now that you have kids, your dream is coming true.
Reason #5 - The All-American hero
Or, if you aren't into working for a living, perhaps sports might be a better way to spend your time. What red-blooded man hasn't pondered the idea of owning their own baseball team? The overhead would be non-existent, and the salary cap would be minimal.
Hell you could probably get away with pizza and icecream for wages, now how's that for a deal? Pretty soon your living room would be boasting trophies and plaques while fattening up your bank account. (Just make sure you have enough kids to pinch hit.)
Reason #4 - Save money on groceries...
Just think of all the money you can save having kids. No longer will you have to worry about those pesky left overs that grow into science experiments when the fridge light is turned off. Kids are better than dogs when it comes to leftovers!
I'm surprised more people haven't thought of this. I can't think how much money would be saved by recycling leftover suppers. By Jove I think you're on to something!
Reason #3 - Do-it-yourself projects
One of the all time best reasons to have kids is so you are able to offer them the work experience of a lifetime, and what better way to show your appreciation for their efforts than to give them their very own do-it-yourself kit.
After all, you have that wonderful, rusted out 1954 Chevy, that has been used as a lawn ornament for the last 10 years, so why not give them a new hobby? I'm sure they have time in between cooking, cleaning, and driving you places...
Reason #2 - Child Tax
This is a wonderful by-product of having children. The child tax you receive will not only make your mortgage payment, pay the grocery bill and the heating costs, you will be able to squirrel some away for your retirement fund.
Just think of the great vacation your kids will pay for before they leave home. Never mind Disneyland, they will be too busy rebuilding the Chevy to go on holidays.
Reason #1 for having kids
With the economy taking such a nose dive, and the possibility of being laid off right around the corner, it doesn't hurt to be prepared. What do you have in your freezer?
What happens if suddenly you find yourself unemployed, no money, no food, and no end in sight?
Easy...that's why you had kids. I just love them - lightly grilled with a touch of BBQ sauce...mm mm-mm good!