How I Would Change The Catholic Church If I Was Pope

So let’s get my qualifications out of the way right out of the gate. I’m not some disgruntled degenerate with nothing better to do than take a poke at religion. The truth is I’ve been around the Catholic Church most of my life so I do have a few thoughts on the matter that are backed by experience.

I attended Catholic schools for sixteen years….oops, seventeen years if we count kindergarten. Nine years of elementary school, four years of high school and four years of college, all under the tutelage of Catholic educators. The remarkable thing about it is that I am still sane.

http://billybuc.hubpages.com/hub/I-Am-A-Catholic-School-Surivior

Add to that list the fact that I taught in Catholic schools for sixteen of my eighteen years of teaching, I was an altar boy, I can carry on a conversation in Latin and I once considered being a priest. How is that for qualified? I can genuflect with the best of them, say a rosary in just under ten minutes and match you verse for verse from the Bible. True, none of those talents will help me if I’m looking for a job, but they at least establish a background for writing this article.

Having said all that I thought I would toss out a few suggestions on some changes I think the Catholic Church should make if they want to join the 21^st Century any time in the near future. I’m just trying to help out; I consider it my civic duty to pass along these suggestions so we don’t completely lose all remaining Catholics to the Baptists or Jehovahs or heaven forbid the United Atheists of America.

GET RID OF THE PENGUIN SUITS

Maybe not the nuns themselves but the old penguin habits are just silly. This is 2012 and if you are looking for young women to join the ranks then you need to stop scaring them off with these crazy looking nun uniforms. I know, modern dress is allowed now, but there are still too many of the old guard walking around looking mean and wearing these outfits right out of “The Flying Nun.”

And if you are going to keep wearing them then I suggest you get Sally Fields to become your spokesperson for the good of the Order. At least that woman has some personality and doesn’t look like she wants to beat children with a yardstick.

THE WHOLE CELIBACY THING ISN’T WORKING

Listen, I considered becoming a priest at one time. I mean come on, free room and board, a car paid for, adoring female parishioners waiting on me hand and foot….who wouldn’t want that kind of sweet deal? There was only one thing holding me back: no sex was a deal-breaker for this boy and I suspect for quite a few would-be priests. If you want to swell the ranks of the priesthood then allow them to get married and have sex like every other forward-thinking religion in the world. This whole “married to Christ” thing is not working for you and I really don’t think Christ would object. If there was ever a rebel in the Catholic Church it was Christ; take a look at the life of that hell-raiser and tell me he couldn’t shake up the establishment from time to time.

ET CUM SPIRITU TUO

Am I the only one who noticed that once the Latin was dropped from the Catholic Mass following Vatican II that the numbers started dropping? The ratings went down the toilet once it was decided to change the Latin to English so that people could understand better what the priest was saying. I say bull to that decision! It is my theory that the average churchgoer didn’t really care what was being said but as long as it was in Latin it was kind of mysterious and magical. Now it’s in boring English and there is nothing mysterious or magical about English. In fact, English is bland and not even in the same neighborhood as mysterious.

JUST ONCE ELECT A YOUNG, VIBRANT POPE

It can’t be my imagination that every single Pope that is chosen looks like death-warmed-over! What say we have just one Pope who looks like he might live into the next year? I’m just guessing here but it would be easier to get excited about and follow a leader who had just a touch of personality! Where do they find these guys anyway?

You know what would really be cool? If they had trading cards for Popes! Like the baseball cards with bubble gum? Topps could make a whole line of Pope trading cards; that way the youth of the world would really get into it….WAIT….we could have Pope video games for Wii and Nintendo! He could come with an array of weapons and he would cast out devils and wipe out sin. Now I’m on to something!

UNDER THE G, 48!

Bring back Bingo! I loved going to church for the weekly Bingo games with my parents. A little family bonding centered around gambling; if that doesn’t say religion I don’t know what does. In fact nothing says religion like the pursuit of money so this is a must if the Catholic Church wants to become relevant once more on the world stage.

In fact, while on the subject of relevancy, how about a Catholic casino? Bright lights in Vegas, the biggest casino on The Strip, fountains with holy water and a neon cross that stands fifty stories high. I’m telling you we could pack them in for that and the new converts would number in the millions. Wayne Newton (is he still alive?) could sing “Ave Maria” before every new Bingo game.

STAND UP SIT DOWN FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!

For those of you who have never attended a Catholic Mass, allow me to be your guide. The Mass is forty-five minutes of sitting down, standing up, kneeling, sitting down, standing up, kneeling, sitting down….are you with me? If you didn’t walk in with a bad back and arthritic knees you can bet by the end of the ceremony you will have both of those. I don’t know how old people get through a Mass without an attending physician. Do you see the problem? On the one hand you have a Pope so old only octogenarians would like him but on the other hand octogenarians can’t physically make it through an entire Mass. Hence, you are losing the young and losing the old. That only leaves the middle-aged parishioners and they are on vacation in Las Vegas playing the craps tables but wishing they had a good Bingo game they could wager on.

IT’S ALL ABOUT IMAGE, BABY, IMAGE!

The image of the Catholic Church is so bad that even Mr. Rogers would have refused to be a neighbor! The whole sex scandal thing and then the subsequent lies about the sex scandal thing have kind of ruined your credibility with the public. It is seriously time for a face-lift and I suggest a big Madison Avenue firm be brought in to handle public relations.

We need an advertising campaign to shake things up, some catchy jingle and some high-visibility commercials to get the word out there that you really are the good guys despite your propensity for lying and covering up scandal. I know, it’s a big risk but it has to be done. You could cap off the campaign with the Pope appearing at the Super Bowl, center stage on the 50-yard line, singing the National Anthem while drinking a Bud Light. Every beer-guzzling redneck in the United States would get in line and sign on the dotted line to become Catholic. Oh, this could be big, baby, big!

BRAINSTORM WHILE I’M GONE

I have a few hundred more suggestions but they will have to wait for another day. I have this idea for a reality series called “Real Catholic Housewives” and I need to pitch it to Hollywood right away before someone else thinks of the idea. Feel free to jot down your own ideas and place them in my comments and I will make sure that they reach the proper authorities.