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Basic White Bread Recipe For a Basic Whitebread. |The Making/Baking of a Forty Three Year Old Male Survivor.

Updated on October 27, 2012
These are actual loaves of bread.
These are actual loaves of bread.
No, this is not a mug shot.
No, this is not a mug shot.
The attitude one should have when cooking white bread.
The attitude one should have when cooking white bread.
Wifey would say you should add more of this.
Wifey would say you should add more of this.
I have been called a bear many times.
I have been called a bear many times.
I cry when I get angry, and, yes, you would not like me when I am angry.
I cry when I get angry, and, yes, you would not like me when I am angry.

The most white bread recipe ever.

My son once said about my cooking, "You try hard daddy, but your cooking is yucky." He was four years old when he gave me that critique of my cooking. Now he says things like, "How can you overcook macaroni?" In addition, he loves his grilled hot dogs burned, because I used to burn the hot dogs when grilling. So, when I saw that Hubpages was having a recipe contest, I thought... Well, I thought that there is no way in Hades that I would/could join a cooking contest.

Then, I did something dangerous, I started thinking, and I started writing a recipe for a forty three year old man. After all, most Hubbers have to write at least one poem and one recipe, right?


Ingredients

  • 2 cups of Angst, The non teenager variety
  • 1 cup of Rum and coke, Captain Morgan or Bacardi
  • 1/2 a tablespoon of Midlife crisis, The male variety
  • 1 Stick of Confidence, Melt to most of it burns off
  • 2 Whole loaves of High School Sweet Hearts, Mix the two WASPS together
  • 1 Pound of Divorced parents, After 16 years of marriage
  • 5 teaspoons of High School, Buy the Pure Hell brand.
  • 1 Pound of Christianity, Acts as a binder
  • 1 whole Grapefruit of existentalism, Adds acidity
  • 1 Bottle of Excedrin, Keeps the recipe from melting down
  • 1 Bottle of Pepto, Balances acidity
  • 1 dash of Hillbilly, Can't take the country out of the boy
  • 1 gallon of Temper Pepper Juice, You will never taste it
  • 1 quart of Romanticism, Probably should add more
  • 1 whole Library of books, Keeps the recipe from biting back
  • 5 Gallons of Cynicism, Adds flavor
  • 5 Gallons of Optimism, Creates balance
  • 10 pounds of Realist, Keeps bread from being a flat bread
  • 5 Bushels of Celtic Heritage, Adds color (or lack of).
  • 50 Pounds of Pride, For my son (the third greatest gift given)
  • 1 whole Wifey, Crazy enough to marry a knucklehead
  • 1 22 year old Marriage, The second greatest gift given to me.
  • 1 whole Hard life time, Makes it Survivor White Bread
  • Lots of LOVE, Enuff said
  • 1 old Dog, Keeps the bread from being coarse

Cook Time

Prep time: 9 min
Cook time: 42 hours
Ready in: 42 hours 9 min
Yields: Makes one 43 year old man.

No nutritional value(s) at all.

Nutrition Facts
Serving size: 1
Calories 9999
Calories from Fat89991
% Daily Value *
Fat 9999 g15383%
Saturated fat 9999 g49995%
Unsaturated fat 4444 g
Carbohydrates 1000 g333%
Sugar 9999 g
Fiber 500 g2000%
Protein 1000 g2000%
Cholesterol 1000 mg333%
* The Percent Daily Values are based on a 2,000 calorie diet, so your values may change depending on your calorie needs. The values here may not be 100% accurate because the recipes have not been professionally evaluated nor have they been evaluated by the U.S. FDA.

Instructions

  1. Mix all of the ingredients together in a giant mixing bowl and stir until soft and gooey. Leave the bread alone and it let it rest in your warm, safe, and well-lighted kitchen.
  2. After 12 years, um, I mean minutes beat the Hades out of the bread. You might want to use a baseball bat to beat the ego,oops, I mean bread properly. Beat the bread for a good nine minutes.
  3. Let the bread rest for seven minutes and then throw the bread into an oven that has been set to broil (not bake).
  4. After letting the bread broil for 22 minutes take the bread out of oven. Inspect the bread closely and you will notice that all of your preperation has given it character(or made it a character).
  5. Put the bread back into the oven, because you ceartinly do not want to eat it (Bath Salts are Bad).
5 stars from 1 rating of A middle aged man

Comments

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    • pmorries profile imageAUTHOR

      pmorries 

      6 years ago from Golden, CO

      shea duane-Thank you.

    • shea duane profile image

      shea duane 

      6 years ago from new jersey

      I hope you win... this is the best recipe i've ever read!

    • pmorries profile imageAUTHOR

      pmorries 

      6 years ago from Golden, CO

      StephanieBcROSBY- So, you like knuckleheads too? Thank God that He made you and my wife, or your husband and I would be pretty sad.

    • StephanieBCrosby profile image

      Stephanie Bradberry 

      6 years ago from New Jersey

      Very funny indeed. This is a great recipe, one which I think was pretty similar to the making of my husband.

    • pmorries profile imageAUTHOR

      pmorries 

      6 years ago from Golden, CO

      phdast7-I did write a poem for Hubpages, but my poem has some serious warnings attached to it. Also, you mentioned my freind Kurtz. Unfortunately, he stared into the abyss and the abyss stared right back into him. In closing, if you want to experience real horror, read my poem.

    • pmorries profile imageAUTHOR

      pmorries 

      6 years ago from Golden, CO

      CrisSp-Mmm tasty, I love M&M'S (with peanuts), and I love donuts. Do you have any M&M's left? Oh,...I am glad that you had a good laugh, and no, that picture is not my little one. In closing, I thank you for your comments and for reading my Hub.

    • pmorries profile imageAUTHOR

      pmorries 

      6 years ago from Golden, CO

      Georgie- Wow, my writing is causing crying, choking, dire warnings about sharp objects, and inspires people to start quoting the “Demonic Crazy" -I think that my work is done here.

    • phdast7 profile image

      Theresa Ast 

      6 years ago from Atlanta, Georgia

      Good recipe. :) I wasn't expecting a recipe from you. Now, I guess there is nothing left to do, but tackle a poem. Oh, the horror, the horror. :) Quoting Colonel "Demonic Crazy" from Apocalypse Now, but you knew that. :)

    • CrisSp profile image

      CrisSp 

      6 years ago from Sky Is The Limit Adventure

      Lol! I chuckled so hard that I almost choked while reading this. Well, because I was munching on M&M (with peanuts). Seriously, I had a good laugh with your hub and your profile picture is so cute. Is that your little one? He's adorable. And, you bet! I'm not gonna eat that bread! (: Happy hubbing!

    • Georgie Lowery profile image

      GH Price 

      6 years ago from North Florida

      I gave the middle aged man five stars. This Hub is so awesome that I'm crying laughter tears. Well done! (And try to stay away from sharp implements, online dating and butter. Know what? Forget about the butter. Butter is everything.)

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