Do you think it's okay to ask someone to change something about themself?

1. 60

   Eliminate Cancerposted 12 years ago

   Do you think it's okay to ask someone to change something about themself?
   
   When dating, do you think it's okay to ask someone to change something about their appearance?  Women who dated Sylvester Stallone often got plastic surgery, which is extreme, but would you think it's okay to ask for someone to change something: lose weight, dye their hair, grow their hair long, etc.?

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2. 83

   arksysposted 12 years ago

   I think it's ok if not totally ridiculous ... the partner would definitely want the best for the other. in a relationship you are their world and they are yours...
   
   if they don't like the idea there is always a chance you'll get to hear "so you don't like me just the way that i am" ... or something on those lines.
   
   I read somewhere that "10% of conflicts are due to difference in opinion and 90% are due to the wrong tone of voice." and find it to be quite true.
   
   so a healthy choice of words blended with a sweet tone should do the trick if you're the one asking.

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3. 0

   Giselle Maineposted 12 years ago

   No I don't think it's OK to ask someone to change something about themselves when dating.  The only exception would be if it's something the person has already initiated the idea first by themselves, then one reminder might (and I only say MIGHT) be OK, but otherwise leave it at that.  I would never, ever ask someone to lose weight, quit smoking, etc etc etc (even though I myself am not overweight and do not smoke).  My strong feeling is, when dating, if you can't accept the person as they are, then walk away.  There are other fish in the sea.  People should like other people for who they are, not for what they can be.
   
   Now, I will add that it can take time getting to know the person you're dating so you can discern properly whether the issue that bothers you is something that is actually no big deal in the end (e.g. His ears stick out so much!) or whether it is something which is non-negotiable  to you or him (e.g. He doesn't want kids, I do).  First impressions are sometimes accurate, sometimes not.  If unsure, take the time to find out whether you still think the issue really is an issue after awhile of dating - if it remains a problem to you then walk away, if not then enjoy and see where the relationship takes you! But neither men nor women should ask the person they're dating to change something about themselves. My opinion is simply this: If the person would be the perfect match except for [some issue], then, by definition, they are not the perfect match.

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4. 72

   lburmasterposted 12 years ago

   I think it is fine to do that. I do that all the time. However, you might want to say it very nicely. Most people take offence and get mad at you. But that is their opinion about the situation. But why would you tell people to change their hair or lose weight? That is a little crude. But why should you say that? All you have to do is see them? It's not like you are them. Show some discipline and deal with looking at them and keep the comments to yourself. If they think they should lose weight, that is ENTIRELY up to them. If they bring up cutting their hair themselves, then you should give them support if you like the idea. If they want to die their hair, comment on what you think KINDLY.

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5. 82

   dashingscorpioposted 12 years ago

   Communication is all about "asking" for the things you want in a relationship. Naturally the other person always has the option to say, "no". At that point either one of you can decide if not having the change constitutes being a "deal breaker". Wanting something and not asking for it usually leads to problems in a relationship. Going along to get along rarely leads to happiness. If it's not worth asking for it's not worth having.
   Ideally we should be striving to find someone who (already is) what we want instead of trying to mold them. If you can't accept someone for who they are at their (core being) then they are not "the one" for you and vice versa.

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6. 0

   CJ Sledgehammerposted 12 years ago

   I think entering into any relationship with a degree of flexibility is wise. I guess I would not be offended if a fine lady with good intentions asked me if I wouldn't mind changing a little of this or a little of that. I guess it just depends on what it is and whether or not it is sacred to me. It would also depend on how she said it and how deep our relationship was at that moment.

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