Enjoy Your Divorce!

Sure, divorce is a huge drag! The recriminations, the fighting over assets, the kid-shuttle thing, trying to learn how to date again — but, though it may not seem like it at first, there are lots of upsides to divorce. Here’s how to enjoy them.

All you will need are an ex and the energy to go on (and therapy, perhaps).

To begin enjoying your divorce, just consider all of the quite unpleasant alternatives: a) years of continuing irreconcilable differences, b) the prospect of little or no self-actualization or satisfaction, c) lots more fighting over money, the position of the toilet seat, beer, girlfriends (hers), girlfriends (his), golf, the garbage, sex, and who last had the remote, or d) till-death-do-us-part with that complete zero of a spouse. See? Things are looking up already!

Next, start counting all those little pleasures you’ll now be able to enjoy. Him: you can finally say, “Yes, in fact those jeans DO make your butt look huge.” Her: you can finally say, “I think the mullet and the soul patch are no longer cool, especially when one is just about completely bald on top.” Neither has to pretend to like any of the other’s relatives any longer. In fact, neither has to pretend to like any of THEIR OWN relatives anymore either. (Divorced people are allowed to be cranky!)

And those joys continue to pop up. He no longer has to think that pink smiling unicorn tattoo on her ankle (or breast) is cute. She no longer has to be impressed with the barbed-wire tattoo now stretched to breaking point around his flabby bicep. She no longer has to pretend she can cook like a master chef (or at all). He no longer has to pretend he can dress like a maitre’d (or at all). He can step out in public in plaids and stripes and paisley, topped off with a Hawaiian print. She can be seen in public in a completely coordinated warm-up suit in any pastel color, with matching sunglasses, featuring blindingly white sneakers with those little pastel puffballs on the ends of the laces.

Soon you’ll discover that all the pressure is off interior decorating; with the two of you fighting over and splitting up furniture, the carboard box, the concrete block and the white pine plank become your new décor accents. No more 6-digit charges at Restoration Hardware! Say goodbye to Ralph Lauren paint swatches!

Entertaining also becomes SO much easier. Your friends, should you still have any left, will no longer insist upon that whole appetizer-salad-soup-wine-entrée-dessert thing that you used to do as a couple. Now a six-pack of warm Tab and a partial box of Ho-Hos will suffice, because, after all, you’ve reached a new station in life, one a lot farther down the line from Perfectville.

Finally, remember that there’s a very good reason divorce is so expensive — because it’s worth it!

(It's also worthwhile to stop in at rickzworld when you get a chance.)