ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Living With Bipolar

Updated on April 8, 2014

Reach For Stability

There Is Always A Tomorrow
There Is Always A Tomorrow

Get Over Yourself

I have been bipolar for a few years now, I've traveled the world unexpectedly hoping to find a dream. A dream I did not find. I did however along the way find adventure, many wonderful friends, strangers wandering aimlessly, happiness in places I will probably never see again. Despair, hopelessness and enough crazy behaviors to last my entire lifetime.

I have been diagnosed about a dozen times, quite possibly more. The reason being every time I moved I had to find a new psychiatrist and therapist. So I ended up going through the whole process each time. So that tells me I finally had to come to believe I was mentally ill, like it or not. I had been fighting the diagnosis from day one. There was no way I was bipolar. I just was not. "Get over yourself", I've been told a number of times.

I had choices, find a way to live with it or die. I did not make the right ones for a very long time. I became a substance abuser, any substance was fine. Hard liquor, and Vicodin being my number one preference.

I have lived in the mental hospital, rehab, or a half-house more than my own. Not really but it feels like it. I eventually ended up on disability after going through job after job. Never remaining stable long enough to stay in one place, or I would have an episode and call in sick to many times. Or causing misadventure at work during a manic episode resulting in insubordination. And eventually being fired the only solution.

"So here I am today still on disability, fairly stable. I still have bipolar episodes. I still struggle with believing I am bipolar. Still fighting the stigma along the way. Am I really so different?"

It has always been my goal to fit in from the first day I was diagnosed. I have never felt normal since K-5 when I decided talking was overestimated. From that time on I spoke very until around third grade. But these days having been through so much it is to the point it doesn't matter what people think. It's their perception, not mine. But in reality it's deeper than that.

I never wanted to be different, but I always thought that way. So I acted like I felt, imagine that? If I acted small enough no one could see me, or notice what I was doing. I actually pretended I was an object all through my childhood. That is how I survived my unpleasant young adult life. As long as it was not me I made it.

All this among whatever bipolar episode I was having. If I was not manic, I was depressed. If I was not either of those I was mixed, that being manic and depressed at the same time. A real pleasure. Especially for those around me. I am sure they wanted to slap me, or lock me away.

So all this brings me to now, still questioning my diagnosis. Do I know I am bipolar? Yes-because I learned the hard way. Ironically to this day I cannot bypass the wild card. What If? Well maybe this time nothing will happen. I always have that in the back of my head. I use to think I was pretending that too. Because I was told to get over it. It was just for attention. Well if this were true, than sweet Jesus give me some attention.

Please! The sad part being I only obviously wanted the most attention when I was not taking my medications. So I apparently was a non medicated attention monger seeking cannot get off the crazy train goofwad.

It has always been excessively difficult for me to accept this diagnosis. You have bipolar 1 with mixed episodes. Twelve times over. I can almost remember each time, each doctor's name. Almost but not quite. I remember the third psychiatrist I saw, I was in one of my long hospital stays, he told me I was a perfect textbook case of Bipolar 1 he'd ever observed. Am I supposed to be proud? Cool, I get a plaque for nut of the month and a special parking space.

This went on for several more years. Because I kept moving. Each doctor confirmed the last doctors diagnosis. I would always end up in the hospital for psychotic manic episodes, so there was no hiding it. There was so many overdoses, alcohol poisoning, suicide attempts, the depressions were hard to hide as well. Suicide attempts, sorrow, prevented me from going to work. I just kept repeating the same patterns over and over.

The simplest way to find wellness with bipolar is follow some rules you set for myself and stick to them.

Take my meds-all the time.

Get enough sleep-Try to have a routine here. Otherwise my rhythm is out of whack. I can stay up for days when I am not on the right medication.

→ Watch my diet-Eat healthy foods, stay clear of a lot sugars & fats. I do okay here. I crave carbohydrates often.

→Exercise. As much or as little as I can tolerate. If I can get outside that is even better. Fresh air and sunshine does wonders especially if you're feeling depressed.

There is always that nagging voice that says just one more time. Try it and see. But I have so much chaos already, I do not need more. I just want to feel normal and not irregular around other people.Why should it matter what other people think? It should not. One person's sensitivity is another persons cruelty.

And that's how the cookie crumbles.


    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    No comments yet.


    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at:

    Show Details
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the or domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)
    ClickscoThis is a data management platform studying reader behavior (Privacy Policy)