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Quit Smoking Cheap & Easy, Buy Toothpicks!

Updated on December 4, 2011

Quit smoking now bitch.

Throw all those excuses out the window. The sensitivities, the rationalizations the mediocre anecdotes about your family history and your personal stress. Quit smoking now bitch! Nobody can quit smoking for you, you can't delegate personal health improvements to a government committee or a minimum wage worker, you gotta do it all by yourself.

Money a problem? Congratulations you're human after all. Buy a pack of toothpicks and kick tobacco in it's leafy ass now! Next time you want a smoke put a toothpick in your mouth then drop and give me twenty! Why keep feeding that corporate whore-hound? This isn't some First Nation American Tribal tobacco with mystic powers of enlightenment we're talking about. This is a preserved, transmutated commercial product covered in a marinade of chemicals designed to keep you addicted. If you don't think so you're lying to yourself. Give it up, quit smoking now.

I've smoked for years and fallen off the bus as many times as I've quit. Quit smoking again, if you're plane crashes fly that mother again. I smoked over 2 packs a day and I know it's difficult to quit. You can eat candy, you can chew gum, you can have more sex, you can eat at a buffet, you can go for a run, you can sing a Capella. Do whatever it takes. I've had some people tell me, "I just put them down, I quit. I didn't need anything else". I agree that cold turkey is the best way. It just is. I've tried patches and gum and they are great if you're looking for a wide array of bizarre dreams and heart stomping night terrors. But as entertaining as those are, let's just try quitting smoking huh?


These cost about $2 dollars for a pack of 100. Cigarettes around here cost around $9 for a pack of 20.

Look how dangerous you look! Who are you Clint Eastwood!

Cigarettes are dangerous they will eventually make your body fail you via cancer. Toothpicks are also dangerous, but if you swallow one and die, at least it was your own damn fault.
Cigarettes are dangerous they will eventually make your body fail you via cancer. Toothpicks are also dangerous, but if you swallow one and die, at least it was your own damn fault.

Licorice Roots, The Rich Man's Toothpick

Quitting smoking is bittersweet, just like these licorice roots.
Quitting smoking is bittersweet, just like these licorice roots.

Quit smoking now !!!

Every time you want a smoke go for the toothpick. They're cheap, hell they cost a penny. If you need variety buy a pack of licorice root (see image of hand holding licorice root) they're also delicious. You can find those at your local health food or organic food store. You can find toothpicks at every store, hodgy mart and convenience pantry on the planet.

What else do you need a list of great reasons why? OK. You will be better in bed. Your food will taste better. Your friends will love you more because you won't smell like a donkey's butt. You will have a more pleasant constitution. If you're a man, your wiener will grow bigger, OK I'm not sure if that's science fact just speaking from personal experience. You will have more money in your bank account. You won't be throwing money at corporate swine hell bent on population control. Had enough? Oh yeah, you'll live longer so all your family will experience your company and all it's fantastic magnanimous sparks for years and years to come.

So quit smoking tobacco. Quit smoking now. Be a real man, be a real woman. You will get there. You can do it. It takes some time. Don't believe the smoky neigh sayers, the crap will go away. Eventually the strong cravings will dissipate and the smaller ones disappear more and more as time goes on. Toothpicks and licorice root trump patches, gum and pills every time. Chew on a piece of hay if you have to. Quit smoking now!!!

Comments

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    • Ben Zoltak profile imageAUTHOR

      Ben Zoltak 

      6 years ago from Lake Mills, Jefferson County, Wisconsin USA

      Hey thanks Kylemaniaa. Although you posted 14 months ago and somehow I missed it, I appreciate the kudos. Toothpics have worked for me, good buy tobacco! Hello tastebuds!

      Ben

    • profile image

      Kylemaniaa 

      7 years ago

      wow! great hub!

    • Ben Zoltak profile imageAUTHOR

      Ben Zoltak 

      8 years ago from Lake Mills, Jefferson County, Wisconsin USA

      Thanks for the heads up Juank and good luck with the alternative cigarette/toothpics from ProPicks!

      Cheers!

      Ben

    • profile image

      Juank 

      8 years ago

      I did tried and it works ! Thanks for all the tips! One of the best brand names I tried (and I tried them all!) was this one made in America. They do have 2 brands, the MicroPick and the ProPick. I personally like the ProPicks better (and they are cheaper). The site is http://www.armonds.com/

      Again, thanks a lot for all your tips!

    • Ben Zoltak profile imageAUTHOR

      Ben Zoltak 

      8 years ago from Lake Mills, Jefferson County, Wisconsin USA

      thanks for reading buckjo! Please do pass this article along to your friends, it's a rough row to hoe when you smoke tobacco!

    • profile image

      buckjoseph 

      8 years ago

      I've never had a habit of smoking, but I'll most definitely recommend this article to my friends! Great job dude!

    • Ben Zoltak profile imageAUTHOR

      Ben Zoltak 

      8 years ago from Lake Mills, Jefferson County, Wisconsin USA

      Thanks Salt! I always appreciate a comment from an Aussie. Thanks for adding some ideas too, lots of folks need a hand cutting the head off the dragon of modern tobacco products.

    • salt profile image

      salt 

      8 years ago from australia

      the celery is a great idea, its good for your diet too.

      https://hubpages.com/health/naturalwaystohelpquits...

      are some ideas I can add.

    • Ben Zoltak profile imageAUTHOR

      Ben Zoltak 

      8 years ago from Lake Mills, Jefferson County, Wisconsin USA

      Haha! I love celery! But I agree, I couldn't eat it as much as I used to smoke! Thanks for the props pi2500 Mel!

      Ben

    • privateye2500 profile image

      privateye2500 

      8 years ago from Canada, USA, London

      One more great idea, beats eating celery!

      M/

    • Ben Zoltak profile imageAUTHOR

      Ben Zoltak 

      8 years ago from Lake Mills, Jefferson County, Wisconsin USA

      Well we're trying right now so I'll let you know Sandra! Thanks for the compliment! I mentioned to GL that I drank quite a bit of wine while writing this one, does it show? Ha!

    • profile image

      sandra rinck 

      8 years ago

      LOL hilarious hub! Quit smoking now bitch! Luv, luv, luv'd it! Oh just reading green lutus' comment, was it Eastwood?

      Great hub. Oh, while I am not sure if this is an actual medical fact either, but I hear and it seems that a man's little soldiers work better when you quit smoking.

    • Green Lotus profile image

      Hillary 

      8 years ago from Atlanta, GA

      Ben I couldn't agree with you more and thanks for setting me up to promote my hub http://hubpages.com/hub/smoke_free_living

      Cheers! I also like your Eastwood impersonation.

    • Green Lotus profile image

      Hillary 

      8 years ago from Atlanta, GA

    working

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