- Mental Health»
Is It Complicated?
Avril Agrees with Me
Complicated. Adjective. Made up of parts intricately involved. Hard to untangle, solve, understand, analyze, etc. Intricate. Complex. Involved. Confused. Difficult.
It’s interesting how so many people say that their lives or situations are so complicated, or how they go about certain things in their lives in order to avoid making their lives, or aspects of their lives, complicated. But I have to ask. What exactly is “complicated”?
Sure. Some things in life might be difficult to surpass or maintain, but in the grand scheme of things, nothing is truly “complicated”, or not as complicated as anyone makes it out to seem.
A couple of years ago, a friend said that she did not possess the ability to love (I assumed “romantically”). She rationalized that it kept her life less complicated, as if that was a relief. Hmmm.
Shortly after that, another friend endured something that no one should have to endure, and what is worse is that it was done by a family member. Afterwards, she seemed to be protecting this family member to an extent. It makes me question as to why. Then, she wonders how life got so complicated.
Over the last fifteen years or so, I have learned that our lives and situations are only as complicated as we make them.
When we try to control, or even “micro-manage”, every minute aspect of our lives, things get “complicated”. When we force control, we lose control. Thus, complicated.
When we allow the natural order of things, when we go with the flow, when we hold ourselves accountable, when we face the music for our actions, when we give up trying to be control-freaks, we find that our lives really are not that complicated.
Yes. Things are difficult sometimes. Those things take a lot of work and effort to make happen and maintain or even overcome, and that hard work and effort is not always pleasant. It hurts. It wears down our patience. It frustrates us and makes us question ourselves. However, when it is all said and done, it means we EARN what we want or need.
When people try to alleviate themselves of the hard work and effort, when they try to cut corners, when they try to control the output with less input, the results are “it’s complicated”. No, it really isn’t. It's called being lazy and waiting for someone or something to make it all better FOR them.
For example, we were all told as kids to clean our rooms before going outside to play with friends. We tried to shove things into closets and under beds. We tucked too many things into drawers that would no longer close and whatnot. Why? So, we could get outside faster, but after a parent’s inspection and subsequent failure of inspection, we were forced to keep working. Again, we tried to cut corners, because time was wasting. After another failed inspection, our anger grows. We get frustrated. We want to know why our parents have to complicate everything. We continue to work, and when we break and finally do the task right, we finally get what we want. However, once outside and with our friends, it becomes evident that it is too late now, and everyone is going home to have dinner with their families. Again, we get angry with our parents for ruining our day.
But here’s the nasty truth. All we had to do was do the work right the first time. Had we not try to control things and actually put in an honest effort and hard work, we would have been playing hours ago. It was never really “complicated”. It was only as complicated as we made it, and we made it very complicated due to selfishness, ego, laziness and other negative motives. We only suffer the complications we impose upon ourselves.
Romantic love does not have to be complicated. Yes, a relationship or marriage takes a lot of effort and hard work (those terms again…hmmm). It’s just like the room as a kid. When we do things right for the other and try not to control them, how they do things or what we do for them, we find that they work to help us be happy. When we help provide happiness and harmony, happiness and harmony is provided for us through their actions. When we control and let ourselves be controlled, happiness and harmony dissolves into “it’s complicated”.
I have a complete list of things that go into romantic love that help keep it wonderful and prevent complications. However, that should be for another, more detailed writing. Again, they are things we choose to do for happiness, or choose not to do, which creates complications.
As for my other friend, I can only assume that there is something that kept her from doing what was right to get her life back on track. No one is perfect, and my friend has her own issues to deal with. However, this does not mean that she should have protected her family member from facing the consequences of his actions. He should have paid severely for what he did, because I’m sure that, given the opportunity, he will do it again.
If my friend did or said something during this event that would implicate herself as well, she should say so, instead of making herself the “helpless victim”. Maintaining the deceit of the helpless victim routine will only add to the wonder of why life is so complicated. She is only making it as complicated as she wants. She should come clean and/or press charges. Having to explain everything in front of everyone will be painfully difficult, but in the end, life will NOT be complicated.
Now, I know that many would argue that “it’s not that easy” or “it’s easier said than done”. To the first, “yeah, it really is”, and to the second, “no, it really isn’t”. It is just a matter of our own choices and effort. The more effort we put into life, the easier that life can be with fewer complications. However, if we choose to take an easier path, it will produce more obstacles, barriers and therefore, complications.
As I stated before, I have spent more than fifteen years learning this lesson on my own. The prime example is my dealing with my first wife. I was so unhappy for so many years, and when I complained, bitched, moaned and whined, my friends and co-workers told me to leave her. I would say that it was more complicated than that, but in all honesty, it really was not. It was only “complicated” because I was afraid of the future. I had too many questions. .... Would I find love again? Would I be able to survive financially? Would it affect my job or professional life? Questions to which I was afraid to find the wrong answers, but I did not. Yes, I did find love again. Yes, I did survive and somewhat have (but who really does?), and no, it did not affect my job. Ultimately, I chose to stay all that time and being miserable. I chose to complicate my life, but when I did what was needed, I became much happier and my life less complicated.
Some people like to surround themselves with all of that drama. They exaggerate certain aspects of their life to “create” complications. They paint pictures of suffering the complications that they have manufactured or continue to tolerate. They seem to think that everyone is so interested in their lives that they can’t help but stay tuned in for the show. In the end, some people look to change to the channel.
I think maybe it soothes us to complain about the work and effort that life requires. We label it “complications” because of the negative stigma surrounding that word. We know that others complain. So, we commiserate in our shared struggles, and that “company in misery” gives us a feeling of belonging and togetherness. However, if we, as a collective, shed our “complications”, we can revel in shared positive energy, rather than negative. It’s really what we choose.
In actual fact, when we take the negative stigma away, we may even cherish some of our “complications” because we then find ourselves still alive and still caring through the struggles. We begin to appreciate the rewards from some things that have “complications”. Maybe there are some “complications” that I am willing to accept because then I know that there is a goal that I am working toward, there are lessons that I am learning and there is growth within my soul. Because it is said that we grow stronger through the struggles that do not kill us, and I firmly believe that death makes us stronger than we could ever possibly imagine.
I know I have rambled at some points. I also know that I have been repetitive at some points. I just hope that some people have a new perspective to look upon things. Maybe, some people will now see that their “complications” are from what they create or tolerate. Because, after all, life can be very simple and uncomplicated when done right. It all depends on what a person really wants.