Living With a Mentally Ill Husband
My son's Dad was going fishing, because he was out of work again. This was a pattern with him. I have known him for 30 years now. In the 14 1/2 years I was with him, 3 years the first time and 11 1/2 the last, he did not want to keep a job. He would much rather go fishing. That's all good and fine, but there is a time for work and a time for play. Simple, huh? But you see, he is Bi-polar exacerbated by paranoid schizophrenia. Mental illness runs in his family. No one told me this when I met him. I don't know that it would have made a difference to me if I had known that. He seemed normal to me. Then reality set in when he had his first breakdown 2 years after I met him, then 2 years later again.
A mental breakdown is a very complicated thing. It is a slow process. They go to the Dr., in his case on a locked ward for at least 30 days, his longest was 90 days. They get on the medication they are suppose to take every day for the rest of their lives. He took his meds, at the longest, for one year. Then things start to unravel. It takes time, it can take 1 to 5 years for the mental incapabilties to show up again. There are so many signs, but after a time you forget. When the illness starts to creep back in, you don't recognize it at first. He was writing everything down, and I mean everything. He had served in Viet Nam for 18 months in 1969-70 and he would have flash backs from that time, thinking someone was after him. His mind raced and his body tried to keep up. He was abusive, verbally and physically, to anyone around him, his son and I included. He would sweat profusely and was obsessed with sex. He talked to himself. He railed against God. He seldom slept. Then in the end he would go comatose like. Eyes glazed, staring into nothing, rushing him to the hospital afaid he was going to die. I lived this nightmare with him on 3 of the 5 occasions that he had breakdowns in the last 30 years. It truly is enough to make a person question their own sanity. You want to pinch yourself and ask, is this for real? Surely I am going to wake up soon.
Mental illness is so hard to understand. When someone breaks their arm or gets into a wreck or has cancer, you can see the damage. No one knows what goes on in the mind of one that has mental illness. They are in their own unrealistic world. Once I went to the store and bought tomatoes, I found him with one of the tomatoes in the bedroom. He said he was going to screw it. The ice cream truck came by and the kids were getting ice cream, he was crawling around under the truck. He took a chainsaw in the woods and said he was going to kill his sister, the law would not even go in the woods, in the dark, after him. He put a knife to his own Mother's throat. He tried to choke me once because he wanted his rod and reel and it was at home. He had his hands on my youngest sons throat and said he needed an ass beating, I had to get in between them to stop him. He couldn't be left alone, he got into everything. I was always on guard when he was like this. I never knew what he would do next. Walking on eggshells as not to piss him off. This is just the tip of the iceberg.
The times I would finally get him to agree to go the hospital, I always knew he would be locked up there, was a relief for me, not that I wanted him locked up, but that I would at least get a chance to breath. But then I would get home from there and I would be mentally and physically drained. Then I would begin to worry could they handle him, would they hurt him, would they drug him up? The worry in my head just seem to never end. The process of the breakdown sometimes took 6 months to a year once the vicious cycle begins again. So it would build as time went on til the day I knew he had to go to the hospital. Always trying to keep the peace in the house so that he would not get pissed off and go off on one of his tirades. When he was working, wondering what mood he would come home in. Always on my mind, there just seemed to be no escaping it. Once he was at work and tried to bury a port-a-can with a backhoe. He was fired. He told me he could have swore that his boss told him to do it. It was heart breaking to watch this man, I loved so much, deteriorate little by little.
Some of you will ask how could you leave him if you loved him so much and he was sick and he needed you. To you I say, you have never walked in my shoes and you have no idea what it is like living with a mentally ill person. He could not commit to any relationship. This is one of the characteristics of the mentally ill, they cannot commit, whether it is a defense mechanism or the insecurity of knowing they are ill, I don't know. Even those that are living on the streets want to be left alone. They prefer keeping to them selves. He would often say I like to go fishing, I can turn my back to the world. Mental illness tears families apart. You reach out to them and they back away. I did everything I could to take the pressure off of him. My son and I kept up the yard. I took care of many of the repairs at home. I didn't bother him with the bills. I didn't argue with him. All to no avail. He was a prisoner in his own mind, and my home felt like a prison, there was no joy, no relax time. I was mentally and physically exhausted all the time. I was always aware of where he was and what he was doing. Constantly making sure that my son and I were safe. This is no way for anyone to live, especially those that are sick with this disease that you cannot see. I would wish this on absolutely no one. Mental illness is a disease that takes and takes and gives nothing back but heartache for all involved.
When he pulled a knife on my oldest son, more than 9 1/2 years ago, it was the end for me. I could live with it no longer. In that instant I saw what life was going to be like and I was done. I was done being afraid for my kids, for myself. Tired of trying everything possible to support him and help. Tired of being mentally and physically exhausted. Tired of reaching out only to have him back further away. Tired of loving one that didn't want my love. At that moment it was over in my heart. I walked away and tried to get on with my life. I have seen him once about 6 years ago, my heart hurt for him. The years of mental illness has wore him down. He now lives in a Veterans facility, forced now to take his meds everyday or else. But he is just a shell of the man I once knew, I am told.
This country is full of people suffering their own hell with this disease. So many now that even the hospitals turn them away. No one wants to deal with what they cannot see. In Texas you cannot have anyone commited unless they have been previously diagnosed with a mental illness or they are a threat to themselves or someone else. You reach out for help and get nothing and sadly the vicious cycle continues. You do your best to help, then you do what you have to do. I wish him well. I can only hope that this disease can be better understood so those suffering from it can have a better quality of life to enjoy their families and loved ones that love them and want to be close to them..
Comments
There are always moments in your writing where I see something that really hits home for me. In this Hub there are many of those moments, but the one that really hits home is "don't judge me until you've walked in my shoes". It's easy to criticize people.
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So many do not understand mental illness and I cannot blame them, I hardly understand it myself. But I have found that it frightens people for the same reason and they feel the need to blame someone or something. I don't judge people, I am no different than anyone else and remind myself of that when the urge hits me to do so. Mental illness will always be a shunned disease by healthy people.
When I met my husband no one told me he had a mental illness until later, his mom asked "is he taking his meds?" My response was "for what?".
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It's kind of a catch 22 situation, you love them but this unseen illness is scary, all at the same time. I hope your experience has not been bad and he does stick to his meds. It is most definitely a plus in living a close to normal life. Thank you for your comment.
there is also such a stigma attached to mental illness and sometimes the attitude of the uninformed is to hold the sufferer responsiblke for their own condition.i have a friend who ultimately died as a result of her mental illness and the anguish of watching her suffer over a thirty-five year period of timeis indescribable. i think one of the worst things is that people uoltimately come to mistake the illness for the human being inside and judge that person accordingly.
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Yes I agree with you, mental illness is a very difficult thing to deal with. Some do stay on their meds responsibly, others, like my husband, would not and I couldn't remind him because it would make him mad. It is a very delicate line to walk when trying to balance what to do and what not to do in helping them. Thank you for your comment and for reading my Hub!!
Hi,
How can I understand if my husband is mentally ill?
Please can someone help me? I am very scare and dont know what to do...
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That is a hard question to answer. There are several forms of mental illness. You can go to Google and type in Bi-Polar, Manic Depression, Paranoid Schizophrenia and look at the symptoms. Some symptoms can be obvious, it just depends on the individual. I hope this is of some help. I am so sorry that you are scared. Contact me any time. I will help if I can.
My husband was diagnosed as being bi-polar manic after his episodes of believing he is Jesus and telling all that come against him that people and local businesses will be torn down by a tornado. This diagnosis came after he was diagnosed with bladder cancer. He also has prostate cancer.
I too am in Tx and after he stated that I would go be with my mom in 3 days, with that I was able to get a mental health warrant and put in the VA in Dallas. You see, my mother has been dead since 1993, so I took that statement as a treat.
After only a week in the psych ward, he was deemed bi-polar manic, hyper religiosity, with visions of grandeur.
After being in the hospital for 57 days with pacreatitus, the came back down, until just recently when his baby brother (55) was diagnosed with a glioblastoma, brain cancer. The same that killed Sen. Ted Kennedy.
Now my husband is back manic again. Spending cash for a truck, trailer, and now getting an apt that God told him to do. This is because this tornado is supposed to come and wipe me out and area churches and all that have come again my husband. He is scheduled to have his bladder and prostate removed on the 13th of this month and he has stated the tornado will come while he is safe in the Dallas VA hospital.
I saw this trigger after the dx of his brother. I was fine and calm until the last couple of days and the law had to be called several times. He grabbed by wrist and twisted it as I reached into this new trailer to get a vacuum. I did press charges. But texas is so stupid, all they gave him was a ticket. I cannot even change the locks for 30 days as that is then abandonment. A restraining order is not enforceable by the police as that is a civil matter, not criminal, hence, I can do nothing.
He keeps calling asking for things in the house, or things that he could go to albertson's and pick up, why keep calling me? Just to get in the house?? plus late at night too.. So, now I sleep with my gun and will shot anyone that comes in not saying who they are.
The really sad part of all this is I do love him very much. I re dedicated my life to Jesus in Jan, got baptized, and all this happens.
I will admit, in order to snap him out of all this I have said some nasty hateful and hurtful comments to him, and to no avail. He now has moved out with his 2 motorcycles, brand new truck, trailer (cash items) and left me here with bills. When I asked about him helping, he said ask God to pay the bills.
I am getting way to old to deal with this. It is very stressful and mentally challenging.
Thanks for reading my comment.
;-)
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I really do not know what to say to you. I feel so bad for all that you had to go through and are still dealing with it in your mind. I too was in Texas when this occurred with my ex, I filed a protective order against him when he threatened me, and it was granted.
It will take you some time to get passed this. You will always remember. and there will be things that you remind you vividly of those dark memories, but you will heal and move on. Just remember that he cannot help himself. Yes, he should stay on his medication, but typical with this kind of mental illness, he will come to a point where he thinks he is fine and will come off his meds at some point and the cycle will begin again.
I would suggest that you get some counseling and trust me they will give you ways to deal with things as they are and were.
If you ever need to talk you can always come back here or contact my e-mail address. I will help you in whatever capacity I can.
It is a hard pill to swallow but those of us who have had to live with one who is mentally ill, we need help as well to sort in our minds some of the unreal things that we have gone through in these episodes with loved ones.
Please take care and remember to breath, it will be okay with you. Just give yourself time. God Bless.
I so ached for you when I read this. I know that the decision you made was not an easy one and pray that as time has gone by you have found peace and healing for you and your son. Thank you for sharing what I am sure was difficult to share.
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You are right it was the hardest decision I ever made in my life, but it was the right one. Thank you for stopping in and reading my hub. I have found peace and I am healing in many ways. Thank you for your comment!!
I am living with someone who is severely mentally ill. His mother and father live across the country from me and they basically dumped him on me. We used to be in a "relationship," although it really wasn't. Now he refuses to leave and the police won't help me because I have allowed him to live there for six months. It is making me feel suicidal and I can't fine any help anywhere. He will not work, he was denied disability, he has asthma and will not keep up w/his medications, causing him to frequently be hospitalized and he is depressing the heck out of me. He is 39 years old and I am 56 years old. I work fulltime and always have. I had heart bypass surgery 7 years ago and the stress of this situation, I fear, is literally killing me. I just want to "dump" him somewhere, but don't know where that might be. As you can read into this, today is one of my bad days. He got his disability denial letter yesterday and I feel like just running away. Any suggestions?
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I am so sorry for the hell that you are living in. I say hell because I know exactly what you are talking about. Sometimes I read these comments and am afraid that the person who is writing it may be with my ex because it all seems to sound so familiar. The only thing i can suggest is that you leave him. Has he been diagnosed with mental illness?? If you can afford it please leave because he will take you down with him, and that's not fair. At some point you have to walk away and trust me even then it will take you a while to get your life back to some normalcy. Yes it is bad for the person who cannot help it that they are ill but in the long run it will affect you in ways that you cannot imagine. I do feel your pain, you do need to get away from him, far away from him. You can always write here and vent I trully do not mind, but ultimately you need to save your own life, you CANNOT save his. God Bless!!
my husband and i will be married 10years on june 1st 2011. i'm not excited or happy about that. His mentally illness has made my life a living hell. I've questioned my faith so many times during this agonizing relationship. I love him yet i want to be far away from him. His contant negativity is draining me. arguing all the time. I've told him to find another woman that i don't care anymore then we make up and it starta all over again. His imagination rules his thoughts. I don't respect his word because he makes up senarios. I do not respect his decision making skills. so he complains that i dont listen to him , i dont make him feel like a man. blah blah blah. This situation is getting worse. irrational behavior disrespect constant arguing. I try not to play into this but he antagonizes me to the point of fury. I want to leave but I dont want to lose everything I've worked for all my furniture and t.v's and my bed. My father who is elderly my son who is 21 all live here they will come with me. I feel stuck and Its really effecting me in a negative way. sleeplessness, feeling over whelmed, my faith is wearing thin. does God hear me? I feel I have a dirty little secret. I've told no one about this problem. I'm embarrassed. I know I'm at the end of my rope. I know something drastic is going to happen. Looks like i have to be the loser and loose everything and start over. Its an unbearable thought. He doesn't work when I leave my stuff he'll pawn it won't keep up with the bills or anything. All these years I've wasted. I'm 48 who wants to start over st this age?
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I am so sorry for the Hell you are living in. Sometimes walking away from everything and starting new is the best thing one could do. It by no means is easy but trust me it is well worth it. You save your own sanity because as I commented above, you must save your own life, you cannot save his. Walk away, and if he pawns it, it is just stuff that can be replaced, Your peace of mind, your emotional well being and your happiness are far more important at this point. Take a chance and just walk away and don't look back. thanks for stopping in and sharing I wish you well!! God Bless!
I feel your pain. When people focus on the mentally ill or they focus on themselves, no one seems to comprehend the mental and emotional hell of those who live with them or take care of them. When mentally ill people refuse treatment or do not take their medications, they can create mental and physical health issues for those that are trying to help or deal with them. Some who take care of mentally ill people (stats: 1 out of 13) commit suicide.
Many people think it is easy to "walk away," but what if this was your grown child, and you have no other family relatives to help you. What if the person is not officially diagnosed, so they are never hospitalized for a long time to make an official diagnosis - this is common with those with bi-polar?
What if you live in a house with a mortgage, and you cannot get it ready for sale, because your grown child is living in it and does not move out? Unless the grown child tries to hurt others or themselves, you have to file eviction notices. What if they show up at your job homeless, without food and begging for money?
thanks for sharing!
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You are welcome!!!!!!
Hi,
I have seen lots of comments here nd thought to share my situation as well. My Dad is suffering from mental illness from past 25 years. We are living with him but from last few years the situation is getting worse. He dont sleep well sometime cry in midnight and sometime walk without cloth in the cold and also try to beat my mom also sometime. He chews tobacco and due to that his hands also stopped functioning , Doctor so many time told that not to eat tobacco but no success.
Now my mom is exhausted living with this person but in this age she can' leave hime easily. Sometime we feel that leave him alone but where? we dont know how to deal with him its just getting worse day on day.
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I am so sorry for your situation. There are never any easy answers and sometimes the hardest thing to do is the best thing to do and that is to walk away. Most times all the love in the world cannot change the person or their illness and it tends to wear all involved down til sometime we are lost to ourselves like the one we are loving and looking out for. I pray for a resolution very soon in yours lives. God bless!!
Boy- do I know what you're going through, my husband is manic depressive with Bi-Polar, Manic Depression, Paranoid Schizophrenia and what you just described is my life every single day. Like your hubby- mine takes his meds (sometimes) and everything is fine for a while- then slowly everythign starts again- I can see it- but he can't. When I try to point it out to him- he becomes violent and nasty- His entire family (including his adoptive dad) has the same exact mental illness. EVERYONE in his family is mentally ill. It severly affects our finances and we are always a day or two from homelssness because of it. He doesn't care about anything or anyone and I have chronic -severe and late stage lyme disease. He tells me he only wants to stay with me so he can collect on my life insurance when I die. His entire family is the same way- they are manipulative, greedy- sick and have no conscience. The pretend to love people for their money and suck them dry of everythign they have- he isolates me from my family and will not let me have any friends - he has tried to kill me many many times and when I was very sick with lyme and almost dying- he walked over my body and told me to die by the time he got back. He is sick liek his mother and she is ten times worse- he had quit smoking for a year and a half- and when he went to see his mother (to mooch $ from) seh gave him a carton of smokes- knowing he had quit for a year and a half.
His family has been addicted to drugs, alchohol, and anything they can get their hands on- for the past 40 yrs. They are all sick and resent me for not being mentall ill. I came from a well educated -wealthy family who has no history of mental illness of any kind and I am not used to such caos. I have had to put up with the abuse (both in private and public ) because we have pets togther that are my only family and I woudl rather die than leave them - I would never abandon them to seek safety - that woudl be a sin I could never live with- they are my BABIES and I will never leave them. I know that most non animal people don't understand this- but think of abandoning your KIDS in a GAS CHAMBER TO DIE, and then you'll "get it".
I know I will be killed by this man I call my husband one day-but I have to let him treat me like a punching bag to protect my kids. They are everything to me and I would rather die than see them hurt.
I used to be a very strong, independant- wealthy person with a career and lots of friends and a close family- now because of him- all I have are my animals. Thats it. I live for them. I am very sick with lyme and cannot do chores all teh time- when this happens- he beats me and treats me like crap- he calls me lazy and tells me that his pills were given to him by the Dr so he "doesn't kill me out of pure hatred" and theat I am to blame for everything his life and all his family's problems from even before I was born.
I have nowhere to go- nowhere to turn- no money- no credit (thanks to him) no family-no friends- no one- just my animals. If it were not for them - I would pray for death.
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It sounds to me like you have given up on LIFE!!!! If he kills you he will also kill your pets. Isn't your life worth more than that?? God did not give you life to be a door mat, He gave you a life to LIVE, you cannot live out the rest of your life this way. You deserve so much more. I am truly sorry for your situatiion but you have to see the light at the end of the tunnel and go for it, LEAVE him right now and I am sure someone in your family will help you, love is forgiveness and you have to let them help you help yourself. And if they don't than you have to make a way, it may be a long climb but it has to be a far cry better than the slow suicide that you are commiting. God bless!!!
I understand the torment of bipolar abuse, negligence, depression, staring into space, delusional thinking, lack of owning problems,selfishness, hasty decisions with bad outcomes, etc. But my husband is not the only one. He invited our 31 years old son who was recently divorced to live with us. Both are equally sick and play off one another. Their words are so different from reality. They are both habitual in lying. My son did pot and alcohol for years. My husband encourages the son to verbally batter me. I have no where to go or turn. In my state , the money I have saved for retirement must be split with my husband should I divorce him. I have saved fo 40 years. He has created massive debt and ruined our credit. He has never made any provision for me in the event he passes. He does not even have a checking acount let alone any savings. He won't work so he has always had his own small business. He is increasing sicker as the years roll by. Now my son is here and they gang up on me. Unless one was here to observe, it would be hard to comprehend just how vicious the can be with words and actions. Neither my son or my hsband have had jobs in four long years. We havelived on my savings and some odd house fixing chores they do from time to time for a neighbor. My husband is an expert as being a con artist.
I am terrified of him and exhausted from coping with daily heart ache. If you think you have it bad with a sick spouse...try living with a spouse and adult son who are equally ill and cruel. I cry for days after they attack me and have become ill with HBP, heart issues, and recent panick attacks. They are killing me slowly.
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I feel very bad for you and the situation you are in. My youngest son and his Dad now live together but I am physically out of the equation and so thankful for it. I love my son so much but he can and has been very cruel and ugly to me. I do not love his Dad anymore and haven't in many years, he killed what I had for him a long time ago. I wish him no ill will but I never want to see his face again or hear his voice. The best thing that he ever gave me was my son and I pray that my son will be mentally healthy as he matures. You are in my prayers and I hope that you can see your way out of the torment so you can have some quality life for yourself. God bless!!
After I read your story, I have to look back to myself and asking if I already done everything I could to help him.
We recently just had a baby girl, 2 months old today and since the day she was born he turned himself to be a manic and stay that way until now. I put him in the hospital once, 4days and his family did another time for another 4days and he is still not well but just going more crazy. I had to take the baby away from that situation because I could not take it anymore and the baby is in stress and I do not want her to have a mental problem since she already has the gene from her dad. I will have to leave my baby girl with my family in Thailand then will have to go back and see what I can do anymore to get him back to normal but I couldn't do it for so long because my baby girl will need me to take care of her as well so I am now trying my best to accept the fact that I might have to turn my back away from him. You are so strong and have a good heart, I am happy for you that finally you find the peace for your own and your son.
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I am truly sorry that you are going through this. You cannot help him,the disease controls him. It is very sad what mental illness does to ones mind, body, family and friends. You did the right thing by taking your baby out of the situation and you would do yourself good by leaving yourself. You need your strength and sound mind, full of peace to give your baby all she needs to grow up in a normal, loving atmosphere. I may be strong but it has sapped my strength many times. I do wish you well and God bless you. I wish I could help in some way. I will pray for you and your family. Take good care.
Thank you!
You're Welcome!!!
My husband and I have been married for 12 yrs, he had a brain aneurysm 4 yrs ago and seemed to have had a great recovery. He has not really worked since and complains of headaches almost everyday. This has prevented him from holding a steady job. I'll admit at first I thought he was just being lazy (because his recovery was so fast). About 2 years ago I started noticeing a change in him,then he became mentally and physically abusive. Things will be great for weeks or even months then all of a sudden he will just flip out over something little. I have spoken with my family doctor and he thinks there is possible brain damage or a bi-polar disorder. I have made several dr. appts. for him and sometimes he does go but if they make him wait more then 10 mins he starts ranting about them not being professional and making a huge scene so we always end up leaving. He has no patience at all. He has tried several meds and says they make him sick on his stomach so he refuses to take them. He used to believe in God and preached to those who didn't, now he is convinced aliens created us and searchs the internet for videos about this. He has become obsessed with the certain documentaries that he watches them 4-5 times a day. I almost feel like some of the things he's watching are brainwashing him. We have seperated 3 times in the past 2 yrs, I think it just gets to the point where we both need a break. I love my husband but he is not the same man I married. Now I am faced with the decision to stay and try to keep helping him, or realize he can't be helped. My friends tell me to leave but I can't. I just feel like there has to be something I can do for him.
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I am not sure that it is bi-polar or paranoid schizophrenia. From all my reading on the subjects the bi-polar usually shows up in the early 20's. But the one thing you do have to think of is do you want to live the rest of your life like this?? I know you love him,trust me I know, and I know you took vows for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, but I am assuming you are in your mid 30's , is this how you want to live for the next 40 or 50 years? I's a tough decision and one only you can make but you have to commit one way or the other. You will be caring for him, not the other way around, for many years to come. It is a deep soul searching that will lead you to an answer. I pray for healing for him and for you as I know you are affected mentally as well as in your spirit by his condition. You can write here anytime and I will do my best to answer but the answers may best come from serious tests by seasoned Dr.s. Blessings!
You know what I think? You have your own form of mental illness and his being more out in the open so to speak, gave yours a reason to feel better about itself.
"Well I'm not as crazy as he is! So I'll supposedly take care of him and seem like the sane one"
It is in fact mentally ill that you would keep your children and yourself in such a situation for such a long period of time knowing his violence level, knowing his erratic behavior and knowing this mans history.
Crawling around under the ice cream truck? Really?
And you kept your children in that household? Doesn't that sound odd to you?
Then you sit here talking about him like you were some shining light saving the mentally ill. while you jacked up your children by even allowing them to stay there for even 10 minutes.
We're supposed to fall for this stuff without questioning your sanity as well? You need help!
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First of all I owe you no explanation but you do not know all the facts. Obviously you have not been in a relationship with a mentally ill person. As for my children, my oldest was 30 when he pulled the knife on him and yes he was crawling around under the ice cream truck. I do not claim to be a shining lite for saving the mentally ill, obviously I tried for years to help him but he had to want to help himself and that did not happen. Honestly your naivity makes me laugh, you must be very young or maybe you have some issues yourself. I lived REALITY that seemed like a nightmare. And as for as my sanity goes I am well and doing fine, thank you. Thank you for your comment and for reading my Hub.
Forgive me but if someeone has a severe mental illness you would know it from the beginning. It just doesn't ring true what you are saying. I think you stigmatise the mentally ill and I agree you have your own issues
You really do.
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I do forgive you because you do not know what you are talking about. I write on Hubpages to vent and to get my feelings down and maybe just maybe what I write will somehow help someone else. I do not write to entertain anyone. As I wrote to the previous comment I owe you no explanation, I know what I lived and I know how hard it was to see this man go through what he did time after time. You are intitled to your own opinion, but do not judge me, you have not walked in my shoes. I hope you never have to. It doesn't ring true to you because obviously you have never lived it. We all have issues, some more than others, but for you to sit there and tell me I stigmatise the mentally ill is just completely false. I welcome all comments even your biased one. So thank you for your comment and I hope that you do some research if you really want to know about mental illness, and maybe one day you will come back and comment in a less arrogant and judgmental way. Either way, what I wrote is true, every bit of it, and nothing can change that. Blessings!
Please don't let the ignorant people stop you from helping people like me. They evidently don't know about lving with mentally ill people. Tonight is my first night looking this up after 5 years of trying to rationalize why my husband treats me like he does. He has beautiful strong moments, where he says to tell him what bothers me. We'll make love, then later that week I'll try to tell him a certain way that bothers me and he blows up. I thought mental breakdowns were when he would all the sudden start hitting his head, jumping around and crying, hitting his head on a wall. I used to think he was just selfish. Now I feel like I am starting to understand more...maybe I do, maybe I don't, but what I think is that he believes what he says even when it's completely and obviously untrue. He personalized everything, turns everything about him. He can be so mean about me liking a certain song or artist, but if his iPod is plugged in and I ask him to skip a song, he rips it off the cord and shuts down emotionally, angry that "I don't like his music, I don't like music like he does,"... He won't stick to his word. He doesn't fight fair, ever. He's told me he's only with me because he has no other choice, so I told him he does have choices and I'll help him if he doesn't love me or want to be with me. Then he got so mad and called the police, saying he doesn't know what to do because I'm telling him to leave. He said anything negative he could that I said but didn't breathe a word of negativity of the bad things he said to me. He points out anything bad or snarky that I do in retaliation to HIS bad behavior to me, but never says a word about what he does. Instead he says "tell me THEn when it happens, not when I'm saying it about you". So I say "I don't say anything because I want to keep the peace and not argue with you, but I can't take it when you point shit out that I do that you do too!" then tonight i did tell him when i didnt like how he was talking to me, once again he lost it. I tried reminding him over and over that he said i could tell him but he wouldnt even let me finish or show him what it exactly was that hurt my feelings. My mom recently remarried to a wonderful man after being with my abusive father for 20 years. She can't stop gushing about how wonderful he is and how good he treat her. And he is just that wonderful. But when she says anything positive about her husband, then my husband takes it as an insult about hisself, and instantly turns it into "I'm not as good as him, I know you wish I could be like him,". He has these breaks where he's the perfect husband, but it's inconsistent and more often, I'm walking on egg shells around him. I'm no longer sexually interested in him. Our baby is almost a year and I am just getting sick and tired of putting up with this. He literally is incapable, I feel, of seeing other people's points of view, and has to keep the focus on himself. I love him but am also losing those feelings. The week before our wedding he was telling me he wasn't going to be at the altar. But then it'd be mixed with great times. Sorry my writing is terribly hard to follow, I've never written about this before. He's gotten physically abusive before but not often. He intimidates me when he breaks down. He had a hard childhood and I always chocked up his anger issues to that. But now I see it's a *perception* issue. He truly sees things differently, like everything is against him. His adoptive family tries to be there for him but it's never enough. I used to feel so sad that I wasn't enough to make him happy no matter how hard I try. His poor 6- yr old son from a previoous relationship has been solely his since he was 6 months old. His son, who is my son in every sense of the word beside biologically, isn't anything like my husband. He likes different music, cars, clothes, sports, activities. And it kills my husband even more. He gets very worked up and upset when our oldest wants to wear something my mom got him that doesn't resemble my husbands sporty or preppy look. I'm a strong 26 year old momma. I feel weak and scared but keep myself together so I consider it that I'm strong. I'm going to keep observing, and find a counsellor or mental specialist to talk to about how I can live happier being in this situation. He's gone to councelling once before, but based on the little bit he shared eith me, it was obvious he was victimizing himself as always. He does that in front of my co-workers and at a church we visited. Its sick the way he says things hoping to tug on your heartstrings, but if you don't react the way he'd like then you're dead to him. Omg its just hard! I can see some hater replying to this, saying something like "you're obviously rude to him, he doesn't love you anymore so why don't u leave?" I want to most times but sometimes he's just the ideal husband. I feel like it's getting worse and more evident that there's an issue he won't face and can't help. It ReaLLy scares me that someone can be so mentally unstable right under my nose and it can go unnoticed for so long. You can chalk it up to this and that until it hits you like a rude reality check awakening that this ISN'T normal and acceptable behavior.
My ex boyfriend, whom I still live with, as his sentinel, is for the second time in the psychiatric hospital. It has been a nightmare living with him. I don't know how to describe it all, just that I am so tired, worn out, and I feel bad and guilty because of his sister who lives in a dream world. She only ever sticks up for him because she says it takes two.... not when we are dealing with mental illness.... it doesn't take two!! And I felt that I finally had to write to her to tell her how it was with him, because he is really in trouble now, so if he did kill himself, nobody would say, "why didn't she WARN us?" So I warned her and told her to tell the others, IF SHE BELIEVED WHAT I SAID, which I knew she wouldn't. And what did I get back? She said that I am so pessimistic, that I have no faith in him. It has nothing to do with having faith in someone! If he had control over himself, he wouldn't be in the psych ward. He can't prevent it. His whole life has fallen apart because of his severe mental breakdown. He was on sick leave and the day came when he had to go back to work and on that day, he was shaking and his body was jerking and twitching, his eyes were manic, he was on the point of crying, he couldn't concentrate, so we went back to the hospital. This whole situation is too deep to get into right now, he is addicted to a Spades game on the internet he and plays it nonstop. He gets no sleep, his body, then his mind let go... and he won't limit playing time because of course, that is nothing to do with his situation, he claims. Of course not. I have seen this coming for well over a year and finally he hit rock bottom and was more than ready to kill himself. (Bathtub and cut arteries was his plan) He came back from the hospital with lots of medicine that made him tired. What did he do? Most nights he wouldn't take his medicine so that he could stay up ALL night long playing the Spades game. Like before. And now he is back in again. I am not going to stay with him forever, I have to live my life. I am 57 years old and I can't do this anymore. It's time for me to live. I can't help him although I have tried for most of the 12 years we've been together. Nowadays I just try to keep him from exploding. I used to walk on eggshells, but now I know how to deal with him, what he responds to. I have become very good at that. It's very clinical. It's not a nice feeling as I am a warm person. And indeed. No one can understand unless they have lived the life on the other side of mental illness. And so many people think they are experts even though they have nothing to go by. And they are so eager to criticize us as whiners and all. They don't matter. We know. And those that suffer recognize others who have suffered too. We are real, the situation is real. And it's very sad for everybody involved.
You may be able to leave a mentally ill husband but it is far more difficult, in fact impossible, to leave a mentally ill child albeit an adult one!
how iam i going to live the rest of my life with my husband who was told he had bipolar ,he whent on med/ but whent of them ,he said they make him feel normal , i said you should tell your doctor what you are going to do . he said i dont have to .its been about 12 years now. i have a hard time with him, he says iam the sick one. he says things out of anger and hurts me . my heart is broken ,iam a christian, and dont want to leave him ,but our daughter 9 years old, find life hard ,at home,.so i said i want to live away from you for a year and you may have time to think about this illness ,he said ,with no feeling just blank, ok if you want.doesnt want to save our marriage .he just said he was tied .then whent to watch tv.do you think this sounds like bipolar or someone who doesnt love me.
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You are so right Ann, leaving a mentally ill husband is very difficult but sometimes there is no other choice. But leaving your child is another thing completely. Very hard life for all involved and the heart is a delicate thing when it comes to our kids. Blessings!!
Belinda thank you for stopping in and I am so sorry for the hardship that you have had to endure. There is no second guessing the mind of the mentally ill. There is no knowing what they are thinking or what they will do next. It is a hard life for them as they cannot control their thoughts or actions sometimes. The best we can do is encourage them and love them, and sometimes that is not enough. I believe it is easier for them to live alone than to have to deal with others. I wish you well and do hope that he gets the help needed and that you can survive as a family. I believe too that he loves you in the only way he knows how, but making a relationship work is very difficult for them. Sometimes we have to make very hard decisions that affects everyones lives but must be made for peace of mind and heart. Blessings!!
Thank you for your passionately, compassionately expressed experience. My husband has stuck by me through some awful stuff. and yes, there were times he left. But, he saw through the illness, and, more importantly, he saw through the debilitating effects of the pills-pills-way-too-many-pills I was downing every day. I can honestly say that since I have been med free, and have concentrated my efforts into learning how to be more cognizant, I am me again, and my marriage is absolutely awesome!!! I suggest to you and your readers to read Robert Whitaker's two books on the subject: "Mad in America" and "Anatomy of an Epidemic" You will be surprised to learn that what you have been taught to believe is not so.
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Hi wishtherewashelp, I am so sorry for what you are going through. I have been in your shoes and they don't wear well. My heart goes out to you but once again the only answer I see is to take time away from him. I know that's hard to do in this economy but you can't live the rest of your life this way. It's not fair. But then mental illness is not fair, but when you have done all you can, encouagement, standing by them, at the end of the day when they are treating you like crap and refuse to get help, then it's time to move on. You can only do this for so long and if he doesn't get help in the end one of two things will happen: one, you will just walk away and be done or two, you will stay caught up in a unhealthy situation and be a shell of the person that you are. So please think long and hard about this and ask yourself how do you want to be living 5 years from, 10 years from now?? I pray for healing for him and peace for you. God bless!
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Hi twelveyears, yes that's a long time to live with the anguish you have lived with. And you are not getting any younger, these are the years that you should be enjoying and be stress free, at least free from this kind of stress. Thank you for your comment, I feel so bad for all who read my hub and comment. I feel especially bad for those who live it , but those who refuse to believe that this kind of behavior goes hand in hand with the mentally ill are people who have no clue whatsoever what it is really all about. I pray that you get some relief soon and can just breath, you need it desparately because although we do cope and muddle through their episodes it does take a toll on us every single time. Be safe, be happy, be blessed!!
Hi , I met my husband 32 years ago , we have been married 26 , he is now 68. In 1992 he was assaulted which resulted in a manic depression, he spent 3 months in secure ward under section . As a result I miscarried and had to have a full Hystorectomy ( I now consider this a blessing ) . This was the 1st of many hospital stays to numerous to count. In all those years they have never found any medication to keep him even fairly stable. He was diagnosed with Bi polar 2 years later , after some extreem highes when he purchased , cars property , horses , scrap you name it he bought it. I tHe has been depressed, anxious , phycotic, loving , fun , unkind insulting , but I have stood by him because he does not know what he does or who he is.
Glad to see I'm not alone. Married 33 years now and I just figuring this all out. Sad for me to face the truth about my husband. I hurt for him but more concerned about our 9 year old son.
Hi, thanks for sharing your story. I seperated from hubby 6 mths ago amicably after 23 yrs of erratic behaviour. Finally made break. He moved out on own and at first my son wanted to live with him (angry at me making Dad live on his own). Three mths fwd and I was still been there to emotionally support him. He was still coming over etc. His friend then committed suicide he had a falling out with only other friend he had and suddenly became psychotic. He became totally irrational and during this time said things to my son which have now made him not want to talk to his Dad. He has now been involuntarily committed to a psych ward. It has been two weeks and still he is up and down and has not been totally diagnosed yet. I go to see him because he has absolutely no one else. I take his smokes etc. I know I cannot go back to this life but feel so sorry for him being on his on through this but then his behaviour and venting scare me. So sad because util about ten years ago we had such a lovely life. We have lovely house children and yet none of this could save him. He now wears same clothes every day and has given up. I feel so sad for my children and would love to bring him home and for everything to be normal but have given up on this fairy tale ending. Did your husband have other support networks when you left or had he too destroyed them? Any tips suggestions to get me through would be appreciated Thanks
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Hi Molly, I am trully sorry to hear of your miscarriage and what resulted from that. My heart goes out to you. I commend you for standing by him and I wish you all the best I pray that he heals in his spirit and his mind for his and your sake. God bless you!!
Dear notalone I know it is especially hard when there is a child involved. It is a tough situation to figure out when you really have no clue as to where the behavior comes from. I do hope that he can get on the meds he needs to balance out the chemicals in his brain that causes this illness. Your son is at a very impressionable age and needs to know he can count on you for support. I know it's tough, the balancing act, but if you are going to hang in there for them both you really should find some counseling for your own peace of mind. God bless youIi wish you and your family all the best.
Dear Kathy I am so sorry for what you have been through. He is best off in the hospital till they can figure out what his medication needs to be and what dosage. My ex burned all his bridges and the last I heard he was living out of his car. It is sad but one can only take so much and then it's time to move on. I still feel bad for my ex but I would never go back to that, I cannot for my own health and sanity. I pray for strength for you to get through this and I pray he heals. You have to do what is best for your kids and yourself. God bless you always! Please let me know how things are going.
Single Mom, how do you get help for the mentally sick spouse that doesnt want it...and dont know who to call to come and get him...and after they do...is he capable of revenge for his ill-conceived beliefs that I would be responsible for his lock down....does this mean i should just leave the house and seek safety for myself and child? I worry for the animals I leave behind as they wont be tended to....Should I trick him into seeing his primary care physician who gave him all these damnable narcotic drugs in massive quantities and making him be responsible? I worry what harm he could do to others driving around in his mental state...I know alot of questions and I have no answers and neither does anyone else I have talked to....
PS....I dont think that reality chick had a clue....I take my marriage vows very seriously...this man of 27 years of marriage was a wonderfull provider for at least 22 of them...recent unemployment and health issues has taken a toll on him physically and now most of all mentally....the balance between kicking your responsibilities to the curb and knowing when it becomes dangerous and your options is the point....I want to make available to him every avenue I can while keeping myself and child safe....after all if it was me I hope he would do the same....just trying to figure out how to get him to get the help in the most positive productive format....not an easy task...and from what I read not a readily available issue....Thanks but I dont know if you can refer to me what I and you both seemed to have prayed all along for....
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hi Dawn, the only thing I can suggest is that you call the mental health mental rehab in your area for advice. In Texas you have be previously diagnosed as mentally or have behavior that could affect yourself or others before you can have someone commited. Maybe the MHMR can direct you at least it could be a start. I feel for you so deeply, but you must put your childs and your safety first. I wish I could help you more but this the only thing I can suggest. Take good care and you are in my prayers!!!! God bless!
i have been with my husband 30 years put asid my familt thought i could help him things go good for awile then he would turn my life upside down again and again as long as i would give in to his thoughts and his reasoing for him trashing the house i would walk on egg shells all the time . he would never go to my familys parties . anyway im 60 now now he wants me to throw my daughter and son out of a trailor for no reason . so i didnt so now i have to leave my house he tore up my stuff and made our life missible so i have to go i can win so im hurt i love him but i can help him
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I am so sorry!! It's really not about winning it's about joy in your soul for yourself and your kids. I know that you love him but sometimes love is not enough sadly. We only have one life and sometimes we have to walk away from the misery and trying to make someone happy that cannot be happy. You will find over time that your joy will return and you will learn to laugh and smile again. Life is short and there are times when we have to look out for ourselves and kids. this is one of those times. I wish you well and may you find inner peace soon so that you can enjoy your life and all the little things that make you smile. God bless!!
I have a mentally ill husband who has always been verbally abusive and physical in the past. I feel very unloved by him. He has recently seen a picture on face book and is now claiming this woman who is a stranger is his birth mother he has a huge story surrounding this he sends this lady expensive gifts and flowers and she is not questioning his sanity (she is a stranger). he has changed his name twice and he does not think anything is wrong with him and refuses to get help his family never told me he is mentally ill and basically just moved out of our city. His parents recently passed away and he says horrible things about them ,I feel he is evil I want to get away from him we have been married 11 years he does not want help, he does not want me. he is 51 years old I am 33 years old. I have anxiety which I feel he caused over the years I made a vow but I also feel that if I stay with him something bad will happen with me.
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Then you must get out. Has he been diagnosed? It sounds like he is paranoid schizophrenic to me. You are young and still have your life ahead of you, you must do what is best for you. I know you love him but love can be blind as we all know. If he refuses to get help than you have to be strong and think of you own well being. I do pray that you get some relief soon and that he gets some help. God bless you!!
I have been in your shoes and my two boys have the same type of disorder my husband had. It was very trying. For 30 yrs I went through all kinds of troubles with family problems. I did not know what I was dealing with. Then my adult son had his first psychotic break at 24. While he was in hospital I by chance read about a Family to fFamily class and took this NAMI class. I saw it advertized in the local paper. I share what I learn now. Check it out on my facebook page at Bluegreenyellowred. I applaud you also singlmomat52 for you hubpage we need to help each other because this is such a neglected area, mental health
I just reread your first post and several others and then comments from several posters. First I want to share, I had to see a therapist to help my unclutter all the emotions and feelings I had. I could not stop feeling grief over my sons' negative outcome. I was stuck and could not even focus on myself. I was so entrenched in the, how can I help him thinking when he could not help himself. Next that one post of critisim ....How could you this and that? People dont get it. This is your family and you want it to be one even though it is all messed up, we love then in spite of the illness. I also was not told by the family of his condition. I have recently learned his brothers' son now has a son with the same signs and symptoms. I remember how lost I felt at first upon the news about what I son had. Now, it helps me to use my time and energy now to help others who are are where I have been. Lastly, I have wanted to reach out since the VA Tech shooting. I live in a rural area where there are few who share to help others. Nice to meet you.
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Hi MHFamilysupport very nice to meet you as well. You are a breath of fresh air. I think you are the first to post on here that you did seek help to help you get through. I am sorry that it has been handed down to your son, that is the hardest thing to accept. I must say my youngest is almost 29 and although he can behave badly at times it is not related to mental illness. I am thankful for that!! Thank you so much for reading my Hub and for your comments. Are you still with your husband?? If so how is he and how is your son? I do wish you the best and hope that you will keep in touch. You are so right that many just do not get it but then they have not lived it either. I will check out your facebook page. I must say I am proud of you, even though you have been through hell and back you seeked help and you reach out to help others. What a blessing you are!! God bless you always! Take care.
A little backgroung info will help. I did not know he had this condition. At first when was displayed bizarre behavor I thought it was fashbacks from drugs he took before we were togehter. Then I wondered it he was possessed. Then I thought he was on drugs. He was not on meds, ever. it was very chaotic.He was violent.
One day he hules a heavy pot accross the room it made a hole in the wall. I feared for the kids. Right at that time, I witnessed him destroy a TV set, during a psychotic episode. He thought a line of people with guns were going to shoot him. I left him when my youngest was 2 months old. There are unbelievable storied I could share. I could not bear for another child to go through all the downs we did. He has passed on. I felt he had to suffer no more in this life and was releived for him. If others only knew how tortured a soul can be from this condition or how it interes with them taking care of themselves and how it affects the brain, if they had to live it I feel there would be faster progress in getting them into treatment. My beef is they have no voice, ususally no money or family support and are forgotten.it has been aroung for ages and attention is always given to the next vouge disorder while schizophrenia continue to play havoc on young adult lives. It is a long road for the families.How are you getting along now? It took me 6 years to move on.
About the boys, they are adult young men and truly have not faired well. Like their dad pot has played a big role in making the condition worse and bringing on bad outcomes. My story is like so many others I hear. Hospitalizations and relapses. Problems with the law and jail. But the postive side is I educate myself, was able to share a lot with one who did take care of himself for a while. Through that I was able to witness, see the difference daily excercise, avoiding pot and alcohol, a good diet, the right med and knowledge on his condition, it did wonders for his condition. He was a very different person. So that is one of many reasons why I feel many others just need to get that info so they can manage their condition. I have met others who are well now, who were bipolar. Very positive people. It is all a matter of taking care of yourself and knowing how.
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Hi MHfamilysupport, good to hear from you again. I am sorry to hear that he has passed and I feel so bad for those who have mental illness and have to deal with it on a daily bases. Sometimes I think it is harder on those who closest to them who have it hard. We stress and worry about them and do all we can to help them through and many times to no avail. I know that many cannot help themselves and it is frustrating for all involed. Husbands who are mentally are one thing but when it's our own flesh and blood it is doubly hard. I agree with being educated about the mental illness one has to deal with. I read all I could and watched movies and documentaries and still it is difficult to understand. Things he has done and said to me still haunts me from time to time. I have not seen him in 10 1/2 years, yet i do get news about him and it has not always been good. I could tell you some stories as well, boy can I. You are the support for your boys and they know you love them, I pray that they get better and realize that many things have to be put into place to live a fullfilled and normal life. I know it can be done it takes effort on their part and a lot of praying. Please never hesitate to contact me. I think you are the only one who has commented here that actually left the relationship for yours and your boys sake. I applaud you for taking the tough , heartbreaking steps that you did. Take good care and smile , God loves you!!!
I also live with a fiancée who has mental illness. He takes his meds and is a very talented man. Recently out of the blue,he went on FMLA,saying he could not cope with life. Just walked out of the house on a Monday morning,and put in his papers at work. He was making 100,000 a year. Now he sits at home playing with the computer everyday hoping to get on SS disability. I also feel his family has abandoned me,now they do not have to deal with it. I am a young widow,who know one told me about his illness. I have know idea day in and day out how to cope. I feel like I too am emotionally drained both physically and mentally. There are days I just want to walk away,but then I feel I am abandoning him at his time of need.
Hello DJ,
I was not aware what FMLA was. I looked it up to find out. Sounds like he is trying to take care of himself. He has seen a doctor. Is on meds and just needs time to get better. Please educate yourself on what he is coping with. If you need someone to talk to about the situation a therapist could help you tramendously, they are trained, experienced with the condition, can answer your concerns and perhaps give you a new perspective. It is natural to be scared and overwhelmed to know but if a person takes care of themselves it can be managed and they get better. There are bad times every once in a while. You did not say how long you have known him, describe any of his behaviors or his condition. Also you did not mentionif alcohol or drugs were a problem. Time tells all. It is not a death sentence for those who learn to manage well. Check out my facebook page to aquire some helpful info at Gluegreenyellowred Mentalhealthfamilysupport. Best Wishes for the both of you.
DJ,
Correction
Bluegreenyellowred NOT Gluegreenyellowred
Sorry about the above "test" post.
Anyway, I can relate to this author and seeking to understand others thoughts.
1) Married for 7 years now.
2) Wife attempted suicide and almost succeeded about two years ago.
3) After suicide attempt, several in patient stays to keep from harming herself, she finally went to in patient treatment. At that in patient facility, she became unmanageable, was sent to psych ward at local hospital for a week and then another in patient facility (more fit for her needs - intense in patient therapy). She stays at that facility for about 2 months. Diagnosed with Schizoaffective/Bipolar.
3) Wife comes home and is now on medication that basically wakes her up, controls her thoughts from racing, and puts her to sleep.
4) While no major breakdowns since coming home, there have been occasional "cracks - small breakdowns" since coming back.
Good News: She appears to be taking her mediation as directed, but sometimes complains about how tired it makes her, and no suicide attempts.
Bad News: I feel like I am waiting for the next "crack" that is going to happen (maybe not 1 month, 1 year or even 4 years) but at somepoint I am convinced it will happen.
Problem: We have two boys (almost 5+6) that I am the only consistent support they have (bath them, dress them, take them to school, pick them up, feed them, play with them, etc). It is almost like their Mom is non-existent as she can barely take care of herself, let alone have any responsibility of any sort, including kids or housework (which I do all of it as well).
I feel like I should leave now while the kids are young as Mom isn't there for them at all, but appears to just struggle through the day, which I don't think is good for them. On the other hand, at least Mom is physically there. Of course my needs aren't even close to being met in any way, shape or form, and I am mainly concerned with the kids well-being. So what are the thoughts of others? Should I leave, stay, run, camp out??? I feel differently every day, some-days I think I should run, other days I worry about her well-being if I do, and then some days I think that if the boys are ok having Mom at least physically there, then to the hell with what I feel as it is what is best for them. Then some-days I feel like them seeing this type of "non-relationship" is more harming then not having Mom around physically.
Thoughts from anyone???
Please seek out a local NAMI support group. You need to find resources, education and sort this all out. Others who have dealt with a relative who lives with a mental disorder will share much and give you many suggestions on how to cope. I believe it is not fair to tell anyone what to do because we are not in your shoes, don't know your histories and your relationship. NAMI also offers in some areas a peer support group, if your wife goes she will have others to learn much from. Please dont isolate. You BOTH need a lot of supports, much education and connect with helpful resources like NAMI will help BOTH of you not matter what you decide to do. Sadly, many familes become fragmented because they don't recieve this free, available help or don't know about this valuable non- profit organization that helps immensely.
It is NAMI at www.nami.org. Please give it a try. At least get her connected and on the road to wellness and recovery. if she becomes an active participitant in wellness the WRAP class will help her greatly also. More info about that can be found on the Facebook page Bluegreenyellowred Mentalhealthfamilysupport. You have nothing to loose by finding supports, educating yourselves and connecting to others with a like mind of wellness and recovery. Namaste.
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Dear Anon so sorry for your situation, but I think you should take the advice of MHfamily support (above). When I was going through with my husband there was no support for the family. Her advice is good and it just may save your family as a whole. You can vent on my Hub anytime and as you can see many have advice especially those who have truly been through and dealt with Mental illness. God bless you and I pray that over time things get better for your wife and you.
My spouse has been diagnosed with Bipolar disorder. It has been years of hell. But he has no one else, no where else to go as his disorder has forced everyone out of his life. He will become homeless if I go. He has delusions that myself and his ex wives were and are out to get him, that they want to steal his money (not that he has any). Years ago he attempted to shoot me after he spent 7 hours locked in our home being convinced I was coming after him. He is as of the last few years convinced that I am verbally and physically abusing him. Yesterday he called the police and reported that I had beaten him up. This morning he went to see a magistrate to try and get me baker acted. I am so exhausted and ready to be done with this. No one should live with this trying to help another.
I am sat here "hiding" in the spare room....why? because I no longer have the patience to sit with my mentally ill wife and listen to the paranoia, the false accusations, the constant chatter that does not make sense. She will follow me up soon and the harassment will start again
I question whether I am being selfish? after 10 years of paranoid delusions my wife and I are left with no friends who we can visit or who visit us, an extended family that rarely visit and she refuses to leave the house to visit anyone at all.
I am left to work, pay the bills, fetch the shopping and try and find some peace when I get home.....don't get me wrong, she looks after the place and does many of the chores but this functional existence is all that it is - she isolates herself from the external world.
I'm not sure what to do next - I have tried to carve out some time for myself but she "spoils" any external activity through her paranoia e.g, if I go out with work colleagues then I'm having an affair. I won't dare to repeat some of the other accusations she makes...
Yes I know she is ill and I should care for her but it's a thankless task, and this illness rips into those around her and the damage seems to have become irreversible.
Medication does limit the symptoms but its not a cure - I don't think she even wants to get better as efforts from healthcare professionals have largely been ignored over the years
Where next? I really don't know anymore.......
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sara, maz9765, I have to tell you I did not realize how many have to deal with this on a daily bases, let alone years of it. As you can see from this hub I wrote nearly 4 years ago has received more comments than any of the others I have written. It is very sad for men and women alike to have to live with this illness, whether you have it or have to live with one who does. I don't know what to say to you, my heart goes out to you. You and your spouses are in my prayers. I just know that one day I could not take it anymore and had to get out of the situation for mine and my sons well being. I felt bad because my vows say for better or for worse but I had dealt with it for many years and just could not do it anymore. Sometimes we have to do what is best for us to have some semblance of a normal life, some peace of mind, some deep rest for our bodies and minds and hearts and spirits and the only way to do that is to walk away. I know that is easier said than done but I believe sometimes we just have to cut the ties and make lives for ourselves while there is still life left. Please take care and God bless all of you.
Here is a link for all who are in search of help dealing with a relative who lives with a mental disorder it a place to get info, education
Thanks for the sharing and hope everything is okay with your life. I'm also diagnosed with skitzoeffective disorder and was hospitalized twice. Through my perspective, it's hard to believe that there is any hope for my mind to stop hearing stuff. But in the end, I will win my battles like we all do.
what about us men that just got divorced from a very mentally ill wife? well i just did.
Thank you for your article. My husband has PTSD and probably a personality disorder.
Your words resonated with me so much! Trying to protect a mentally ill person from himself, while also protecting yourself and your children. Well, you feel like you're trying to balance 25 rare porcelain plates 24 hours a day.
Why? Because the healthy spouse must support the family financially, cook, clean and complete other chores, while the mentally ill spouse is busy getting into his 6ththoughtless car accident, hiding certified letters from the IRS in a box -I was busy getting my Masters then - and trying to weasle money from friends and family
peace
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This is as always a difficult situation. It effects the quality of life for all involved. So hard that words do not come easy for comfort of peace. Either way you choose there will be those who say, " you should leave and protect yourself and your children" or " how could you leave him, he needs you, you're the only one that can help him." I say you do what is best for your family, for yourself, because he will continue to live this way and suck the life out of the very air you breath. I don't mean to sound cruel but after years of living this way there is a point when you have to choose. I chose life! God bless you and may your choice be what is best for all involved.
My husband was released from hospital at the beginning of the year after being diagnosed with psychosis & major depression & staying in hospital for a year. He is managing his illness as best he can. He is taking his meds every day, but he doesn't really understand his illness & how much it affected him before so he is only taking the meds because I & his doctor say he needs to. I don't know if he would take them otherwise. His main aim right now is to find a job & he is trying to do that. His behaviour is not wildly erratic nowadays, things are pretty calm, but he is very tired & dulled & vague about his life now. He seems to drift along whilst I take care of daily tasks & finances etc. & I try to encourage him to do things because I don't want to enable him to just drift. We have only been living together again since his release but already I feel like I can't cope - financially, mentally, emotionally & spiritually. Our relationship had its difficulties before his diagnosis because we are from different backgrounds & there were times we both argued & wanted to end the relationship. I know we are not going to be happy as a 'couple' & I have known that for a long time. I am starting to realise that I cannot continue to take care of him forever because I feel mentally & emotionally drained almost all the time now. & none of this is his fault. He is a gentle person at heart & it isn't his fault he is ill & I feel like a terrible person for feeling this way. I know that if I continue to live with him I am going to wither away & lose myself & that terrifies me. It terrifies me that I might become depressed because of the situation & lose myself the way he seems to have lost himself. I don't want to abandon him. His family are back in his home country & his dad has asked him many times to come home & he will help him if necessary, but my husband doesn't want to go back there. The problem is that he doesn't have a social base here. He only has me & my family & a few acquaintances he has now made. If I end our marriage it could affect his immigration status & I don't want him to have to leave without any choice. I am so lost nowadays. I want to be happy & I am not happy & I can see my chances for happiness draining away the longer I stay in this situation. I feel like I can't cope already, so how can I possibly cope if his behaviour becomes as erratic as before? I can't & I know that & I don't want to have a breakdown either. I think he recently started hearing voices again after various comments & signs & talk of death again over the last 5 days or so. Yesterday he disappeared after he had been talking unusually about death & religion & I called the police fearing the worst. He was fine & just went for a wander without saying he was going out, but he saw a psychiatrist who believes he will need his meds readjusted. He couldn't understand why there was a fuss. He doesn't remember trying to kill himself because the voices told him to & he can't remember how badly ill he was at one stage. I cannot watch that happen to him again. After yesterday I just feel so low myself. I feel completely drained. He is ok & that is the main thing & his meds will get reviewed, but I cannot take the tension & panic & stress of yesterday. I cannot live a life that is so up & down & he is not even as severely ill as he was before! If I cannot cope with minor setbacks, how can I help support & encourage him during anything major? I am so lost right now. I just want us both to be ok, but to live separate lives.
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I am so sorry for your situation. It puts a huge load on you and you are right eventually it will get to heavy and possibly break you. You can only be strong for so long but if you are person of faith God will see you through. Maybe you should seek some counseling for your own peace of mind. I did not have that but I did have my family and friends as my support system. I will keep you and your husband in my prayers. You have a long road ahead of you and you need to decide what is best for you. It is a tough decision, one I had to make for the sake of my son and myself. God bless you and keep you strong.
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