Bipolar Disorder-How Moods Affect My Life
It's All How You Look At It
One day several weeks back, I was out of my comfort zone for a period of time. Or you could say the Merry-Go-Round was spinning out of control, and I got dizzy and fell off. Literally fell off. As this is what can happen when you are bipolar. Mood swings that come and go, and not always easily managed during the time of crisis.
Along with all the medication changes and side affects I have been going through it was almost killing me. I really did some half-witted things while in that manic/mixed rapid cycling catch me if you can bipolar episode. I didn't even get the chance to bungee jump. Unfortunately believe it or not bipolar disorder has it's drama. All joking aside you have heard the jokes I am sure. "Oh the weather is so bipolar," "my girlfriend is being bipolar," when someone is acting spoiled or snotty they get called bipolar. Or if the weather is acting up it is often called bipolar. Bipolar is far more serious than a few changes in the weather or your girlfriend having a temper tantrum.
If not treated it can be a serious mental illness to live with, and often deadly. Many people with bipolar disorder commit suicide because of the severe mood swings involved in the illness.
But It's Not All Bad
On this particularly bad day, I did however get a little BMXing in, and nearly depleted all sense of brain matter I had left. Evidently I have no experience riding a bike for sport. And from the mouth of my High School guy I am a girl. The boy needs a lesson in the equality of gender bias. The skateboard thing did not work out all that well either. So I have to give up things with wheels, or end up peeling myself off the side of a building.
A day at the beach demonstrated to me just how fast little kids can be, or how old I know I am not. One of the most infuriating things in this world is when a twelve year old boy says to an adult woman, " you can't catch me, ha ha". Well little boy I 'ain't' dead yet." With great determination, I set off on a mission, It took three undertakings, but boy number two got his well deserved comeuppance. Ha ha little nine year old nephew of mine.
Not Always A Great Day
I am a scant beat up and frazzled coming out of this mixed/manic episode. It was like a dark shadow devouring me and the only thing left is to watch the whole anarchy play out loudly in living color. I did things I wish I had not done. At the time I felt like nothing could touch me. I could do anything I wanted without provocation. Well HA! That bit me in the rear end. In a major rage I threw away even more things I own. Even sold some, so it was not a complete lost. Just the urge to purge myself is the only explanation available for such behavior. To cleanse the area I live and if I ever know the real reason I may fill you in.
I am asked why I did what I did. If I had an answer I sure as hell would furnish one. I needed the apartment to be clean, empty and unoccupied. I needed to feel uninhabited so to speak. With impulsive tendencies it is always draining for the person purging their objects/self. So I am on another new medication-Abilify, just taken off of Latuda which yanked me out of that rage I was seriously trying to resist. The rest we will see.
The Hidden Gems
I have learned that my nephews think they have one over and above their aunt crazybeanrider. While I can keep riding a bicycle, kicking a skateboard I am generously optimistic. As for pursuing a nine year old around at the beach, well the sand was delicious, and I am still glad I have my teeth, but the main thing I discovered is my ninja warrior is broken.
Having Bipolar disorder doesn't have to be a jail sentence. Yes there are times when the episodic drama is high, the sorrow is deep, but in those times there are moments of clarity, and life can be fun, and full by plentiful moments like this one sort of magical day. However you decide to treat your bipolar, you can enjoy your life by doing what you have to do. Medications, therapy or even ECT. Grab the good times and learn to live with the rest.
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Comments
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sassyk73- Thank you-I feel like that photo often. It is most frustrating when people think we do the things we do for attention when that is hardly the case. Through many phases and medications, therapy and sticking to a routine I do the best I can. Thank you- stay well.
cathylynn-The episode was disorganized and outrageous to say the least. Trying to hide it in a perfect world would be wrong. It is what it is. The gems are the ones who have helped me along the way. I have been in abusive relationships that have only kept me down and unhealthy, blaming me for my own illness when in fact it isn't my fault at all. I am glad to hear you broke free from a abusive relationship, your good health is what matters most, keep working on that, always.
lisa.bom-Thank you lisa, stay healthy and I am glad you understand.
blogggerone-I have journals full of my escapades of my bipolar adventures. But they are a bit unorganized. And at the moment I am in a bit of a sorrowful state after losing a dear friend and my 18 year old cat. So writing and organizing is a rough priority. But to be an author has always been a dream. Thank you for your gentle and well intended encouragement, I will certainly work toward something.
You comments are all great appreaciated than you so much.
I think this is very well written. Are you an author? If not, you should write on your condition and submit it to a publisher. Your personal insight is unique and publishers LOVE non-fiction. Trust me, they don't like my "fiction."
I too am bipolar. I think all of us have been in your shoes. I have been in the hospital for some of the lame brain ideas I have had in my manic stages. It was a fun read for such a serious illness.
i had a hard time following what you were trying to say. the writing seems a bit disorganized.
i have bipolar or some other mental illness, too. my meds work great. no episodes since '95. wish you the best.
i used to get some insights from episodes, like that i had to break up with my physically abusive fiancee. is that the kind of gem you're talking about?
I like the picture. I am just coming down off of one of my high episodes. Oh Boy....did I do some things. However, you are right. You can live with bipolar. One thing I have to say for sure, Bipolar has given me an opportunity to know myself.
It gets so frustrating when people think that I am looking for attention and that it can be controlled without medication. No one knows and understands what we go through and maybe they will never understand.
Not having control over your moods is serious. One moment I am invincible and have supernatural powers and then I crash and go on a suicidal rampage. All of a sudden, I am paranoid....everyone is watching me and are out to get me. Or my anger is so uncontrollable that I tear up my room.
However, in the midst of all of this...I still find a way to live my life and enjoy it because I have come to terms with it and I embrace it. Thank you for sharing :) I hope all is well.
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