Bipolar Is Not A Romantic Adventure

Bipolar Disorder is very often a erratic reality. It is also a mood disorder that can be treated with therapy and the right medications. However just when you think you've got it by the tail, it takes you back and you are off on another wild ride. The ride gets wearisome after many ups and downs. It can be extremely fun and exciting sometimes. Especially when your high on life spending a lot of money you should be paying your rent with, you are having sex with people who are absolutely majestic, until you wake up the next morning and wonder who the hell that person is lying next to you, and why are they in your bed.

Those are the times when you can write freely, paint on a canvas full of beauty, draw shapes that impress even a ten year old. The creative energy flows like the ebb tide. It oozes from every pore of your body. Those are the times it is full of generous laughter and life, excitement beyond explainable words. But even that oftentimes becomes too much to bear. Because the ebb becomes astonishing and races so fast it is impossible to keep up.

Then the transition into something far more ugly starts happen. That over-flowing happiness is not exactly what it's cracked up to be. Hating yourself is only the beginning. Irritation, turmoil and fear are right up there with thoughts of suicide and self-harm. The runaway train has left the station. It is best if the weeping ball of anguish you are wrapped in, stays neatly ensconced in bed. Because that is the safest place to be. The bipolar mood swing has begun.

Then the transition into something far more ugly starts happen. That over-flowing happiness is not exactly what it's cracked up to be. Hating yourself is only the beginning. Irritation, turmoil and fear are right up there with thoughts of suicide and self-harm. The runaway train has left the station. It is best if the weeping ball of anguish you are wrapped in, stays neatly ensconced in bed. Because that is the safest place to be. So now all this disintegration of emotion calls for a medication adjustment immediately. As you might guess this gets old and tiresome very quickly.

Try this, try that, again and again, and again.

It begins again. I do not want to do this anymore. I get apathetic to the ever changing shifts in mood. They make me weary, they would make you weary. They haunt me sometimes. The medication does who knows what to my body. I feel like 70 years old. Even when I eat right, exercise and mind my P's and Q's, it invades me like a wild animal with rabies. I get lost in a storm, roaming around waiting for the eye, the eye that never comes quite fast enough.

Bipolar Disorder. That is what they call it. A mental illness that takes control, and rides fast and hard, like a roller coaster speeding high then low. Fast and hard. Like I said, weird and wild beyond anything you can imagine. Beyond your wildest dreams. Dealing with it is never, ever, easy. Never. You always have to be ready, ready for something, you never know what, or even when, emotions run reckless all on their own.

Free, scantily caring who the bullseye is aiming for. I am sorry is never enough. But it is all I have. Today is just one day, and tomorrow is I hope another. I want, I really want to feel normal, like you, normal, stable as they say. Yes normal. What is normal you ask? Well that would be someone without a mental illness. Someone who doesn't take four medications a day so they aren't on the six o'clock news. Someone who doesn't cry when a pin drops. Someone who can reel in their emotions all by themselves. Normal. Just a tiny little bit. No major agonizing over the small stuff. And losing your head over the big stuff. This bipolar mood disorder, is extremely disorderly.

Bipolar

It is not pretty, it is not the latest fad, it is not cool. It definitely is not romantic. What it is, is dark, sometimes bright, but most of all it is chaotic, furious, and unrelenting. And forever exhausting. So the basic nature of someone with bipolar is to find a way to become stable in their chaotic bipolar world. Not the normal world of stable , but stable enough to function as normally as possible without derailing the roller coaster into a crowd of innocent people. So feeling somewhat harried I move onto another day, and hope tomorrow is better than yesterday.

Now if you will excuse me I have medication to take.