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Old Age Benefits

Old Age Benefits and Old Age Alerts
It is said that as you get older, you get wiser. Have you heard that, too? The only wiser I get has a ‘Bud’ in front of it. But I have learned of multiple old age benefits over time, and I am delighted to share them with you – in rhyme.
Wait a minute. Do I hear you thinking, “What makes me so qualified?” Well, I am older than dirt, although I am not as old as Methuselah who was reported to have lived to the age of 969 in Biblical times.
Cab Calloway "It Ain't Necessarily So"
“It Ain't Necessarily So" – music by George Gershwin, lyrics by Ira Gershwin, from the Gershwins' opera, Porgy and Bess.
Forgive me while I digress for a moment and share my favorite song lyric about that aged icon. The song: “It Ain’t Necessarily So.” The lyric is as follows:
“Methus’lah lived 900 years . . . Methus’lah lived 900 years . . . But who calls dat livin’ . . . When no gal’ll give in . . . To no man who’s 900 years!”
If the truth be told, I am not that old,
I hold my temper and ‘make do.’
When someone calls me at 9:00 PM
And asks, “Sorry, did I wake you?”
Old Age Benefits
• Whatever you purchase from this point on will not wear out.
. . . Only problem – you will need strength for the price tag – to tear out.

• You can order the Senior Special without telling little white lies.
. . . So go ahead and enjoy those discounted French fries.
• You can eat supper any time you want after 4:00 PM.
. . . Then you’ll have time before bedtime for a rewarding BM.
• ‘Happy hour’ for you is a refreshing nap.
. . . You don’t have to sit in a bar list’ning to rap.
”He has a profound respect for old age. Especially when it's bottled.” - Gene Fowler
'Gigi' 1958 Hermione Gingold & Maurice Chevalier "I Remember It Well"

• Getting lucky is finding your car in the parking lot.
. . . Before, it meant that your partner found the right spot.
• You have learned not to take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night!
. . . Experience will soon teach you what is wrong … and what is right.
• People will no longer see you as a hypochondriac.
. . . You can complain all you want about your neck and your back.
• Although you may think it’s a curse,
. . . Believe me, your eyes will not get much worse.
• You cannot be tried by a jury of your peers I’m told.
. . . Why not? Because there are none available that old.
• You can sit in a rocking chair and offer no resistance,
. . . Though you cannot get it started without some assistance.
• You can forecast the weather when your joints give you pain.
. . . Weathermen call you to learn will there be sunshine or rain?
• Your doctor says, 'I have good news and bad,' without any tact.
. . . The good news is: that you are not a hypochondriac.
• Your family always offers a ride – what a deal!
. . . Why? Because they do not want you behind the wheel.
• You search for your glasses, even under the bed
.. . . Where do you find them? On top of your head!
• You welcome an "all-nighter" but it’s not a spree,
. . . It means you did not have to get up to pee!
• No one expects you to move very fast.
. . . You conserve your strength so it will last.
• Now you are wise enough to watch your step,
. . . But you don’t go out, you have lost all your pep.
• In a hostage situation, you may feel hunger and thirst,
. . . But do not worry, they are likely to release you first.
• It takes twice as long to look half as good.
… But you still have your health, knock on wood.

Old Age Alerts
What to look out for wherever you go,
But then again, you already know:
• Steps are much higher.
• Small print is smaller.
• It takes more time to light your fire.
• Everyone else is taller.
• Small hills are steeper.
• Stairs are much longer.
• You often sleep in a sleeper,
• You dance the waltz, not the conga.
"I Forgot Song" - Tom Rush


• You argue with others about Social Security,
. . . Government spending, and bottled water purity.
• You enjoyed seeing that film, “Something’s Got to Give.”
. . . Now will someone please tell you on which street you live?
• You straighten out the wrinkles in your socks – there are many.
. . . Oh, wait a minute, you just noticed you aren't wearing any.
“Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.” - Mark Twain
• Your knees buckle but your belt won't.
. . . Your back goes out … although you don’t.
• When you sleep all stretched out on the bed,
. . . Your family worries that you are dead.
• You light the candles on your birthday cake and say, ‘Hiya,’’
. . . To nearby campers who form a circle and sing, 'Kumbaya.'
"The trick is growing up without growing old." - Casey Stengel

• You keep repeating yourself.
. . . You keep repeating yourself.
• You get the hotel bill for $200 a night and you holler,
. . . You remember when a room at Motel 6 was just six dollars.
• It will take two tries – that is your mission,
. . . When rising from a sitting position.
• Your assets are lower, in front and behind.
. . . You walk much slower, But you still have your mind!
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.” - Mark Twain
'Philosophy for Old Age - George Carlin
To reward you for reading this far, here is my favorite “old age” joke: This old fellow, I’ll call him Sam, goes to a new doctor for his annual checkup.
Doctor – Sam, you are in great shape for a sixty-year old.
Sam – Who says I’m sixty years old?
Doctor – You’re not sixty? How old are you?
Sam – I will be eighty next month.
Doctor – That’s remarkable. Eighty? Do you mind if I ask you at what age your father died?
Sam – Who says my father is dead?
Doctor – He’s not dead?
Sam – Nope, he will be 104 this year!
Doctor – With such a good family medical history, your grandfather must have been pretty old when he died.
Sam – Who says my grandfather is dead?
Doctor – He’s not dead???
Sam – Nope, he will be 126 this year and he’s getting married next week.
Doctor – OMG! Why at his age would he want to get married?
Sam – Who says he wants to?
"The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter." – Mark Twain
© Copyright BJ Rakow, Ph.D. 2011. All rights reserved. Author, "Much of What You Know about Job Search Just Ain't So"
- Betty White Everything Old is New Again
Betty White isn't all that old. If you watch her hilarious, boisterous antics in movies and television, you would swear she is going on 39. - Betty White Back on TV
Betty White, funny as ever, is back on television in a new series ... - Getting Older Ain't a Problem - You Just Have to Liv...
Groucho Marx said getting older isn't a problem - you just have to live long enough. So here are suggestions for becoming a centenarian.
More "Old Age" Hubs
- Oldest Worker Award Sally Gordon Age 101
At the age of 101, Sally Gordon won America's Outstanding Oldest Worker Award for 2010, at a ceremony in Lincoln, Nebraska. - Old Age Ain't for Sissies
"The young don't know it yet but old age ain't for sissies." -Bette Davis. I have discovered a marvelous way to fight agism and disrespect with humor and laughter. - Andy Rooney Praises Women Over 50
Andy Rooney had lavish words of praise about women of a certain age. You know Andy. He is witty. He is funny. He has formidable eyebrows.
Comments
This hub is just what the doctor ordered, laughter being the best medicine, I am happy to say I have just had my prescription filled lol... Voting up and hitting the relevant buttons as I go :D
Getting old is no fun, but it IS better than the alternative ... I think ! :-D
Great post !!
LOst composure! I'm in tears on the floor! - your joke drbj!!! My kids are wondering what is wrong with me! I told them I have a funny online friend!
Enjoyed the Hub. However, it did not cover what to do if everyone else thinks you are getting old, but you know that you're not old.
Great article, thanks!
Reading this was simply good fun - thank you (and love your profile picture)
Another version of the joke drbj - an old man goes to the doctor who says do you want the good news or the bad news first? The old man says give me the bad. Well, says the doc, the bad news is that you've got Alzeithmers. The good news is you'll forget about it in a few minutes! Use it to your hearts content - don't forget the joke half way through though!!! LOL - that wouldn't be good form!
LOL then I guess we are both old fuddy-duddies with faulty memory chips. Hahaha..I should have checked my comments on "Murphy" before mentioning it to you. Hee hee hee...
This gave me a great laugh! This gave me a great laugh! Sorry, I've started repeating myself. Funny hub!
I enjoyed this dose of daily laughter. Loved the poem, the graphics and also the video of "I Remember it Well."
Came here on Mary's recommendation and am glad I did.
Voted up, funny, awesome and interesting.
I'm so glad I read this one, drbj. I'm getting on up there, myself, so now I've been warned about what to expect...
Voted up & funny. Thanks for starting my day in a hilarious way!
I am reminded of this saying about old age: "When you are old, it takes you all night long to do what you used to do ALL NIGHT LONG"!
Loved your photos, and George Carlin. I am older than dirt, too, drbj. I don't mind as long as everything still works.
I voted this UP, etc.
This is so cute! I didn't need to laugh this hard, this early in the morning! I am going to have to remember some of these. I love the old couple pictures, hubby will get a good laugh from those! Voting this up and funny. :)
Ah yes, aging. I agree with you -- we might as well laugh and make the best of it because the alternative is just too depressing.
Voted up and Shared.
Hahahahaha!!!
Very well done! I am plenty old enough to relate to quite a few of those scenarios!
I finally got a chance to read this, referred from your "How to Write an Advice Column" hub...which I re-discovered today.
You might enjoy my "Murphy's Laws of Aging" ... And as my husband says, "By the time you have learned enough to figure out what to do, how to do it, and be successful, your body is saying, 'You talkin' to ME?!' "
Voted up, funny, interesting and shared. Loved the final joke! LOL
a great hub
Yes, drbj, I thought you would guess :) If your writing abilities and your wits are any indicator, the German fellow is far from your neighborhood, my friend!
His name is Alzheimer :)
'Who says he wants to?' - The best line ever!
I love reading your hubs, and I have to tell you a short joke here. I don't know if it exists in the English language, but it does in mine :)
Two elderly ladies are having a conversation in front of a TV and one asks the other:
'What's the name of that German fellow who always hides our remote?'
What a hilarious hub! My favorite part of this hub is the last part - your favorite old age jokes. You're one of the few blessed writers who can present things in such a hilarious way.
Old age - if we didn't laugh about it, we could get depressed! Thanks for many laughs here. Love the story about the 126 year old grandfather! and everything else, too! Voted up, up, up!
Good lord, BJ - you still got it - sorry I missed so many of your other gems as well! I gotta love the joke and all the quotes - they are all too true. Carlin surely had the wit didn't he? I think it's too bad we have to grow old but then as I always point out to my peers...it surely beats the alternative~~
Voted up and outta here!!
I came here to find out something about benefits I might get as I get older. You gave me something much better! Laughter.
Next time someone calls and says "Sorry, did I wake you?" just say "No you didn't. I had to wake up anyway to answer the phone."
Thanks for a million laughs. You should have heard me laugh when I read about Sam going for his annual checkup. Really! Thanks. I voted up, awesome, and of course, funny.
drbj: What hilarious coordination of artistry, humor, meter and philosophy! You had me belly laughing at the beginning, the end and everywhere in-between. Thank you!
Glad I came. The downside - this added to my "laugh lines."
It's always such a treat to read your hubs drbj. I need to come by more often (if I could only remember). My mom will get a kick out of this one. Good job on the poem.
What fun you decribed me to a tee
Drbj an old woman went to the doctor and said 'Dr, I think I've got Alzeimers'? The Doctor said- 'Dont worry, just go home and forget about it.!
Wonderful, funny hub. Loved reading it! Thank you.
Bud-wiser! hahaha! I feel OLD after reading this hub! I also feel good because I'm not that old yet! I am soooo confused, is that a sign of old age? Geez. FANTASTIC HUB! I'm sharing it with my elderly friends :))
We, here at Hubpages, all deserve you and your brilliant, hilarious master-pieces! Am I blue? No. Am I annoyed? No. Am I worried? No. Will I complain? No. Am I angry? No. Am I depressed? No. Am I in pain? No. Am I tired? No. Am I happy? Of course I am...I just read the funniest hub in town! Am I hungry? Yes...for more of drbj's writings. Am I at peace? Yes...because I have just laughed myself to death!
vocalcoach~
Great hub! I will have to pass this on. My mother-in-law always told me to watch out for CRS. She claimed it was highly contagious as one grew older. I think it happens at any age myself. Great job! I am still laughing.
Very inspiring hub. We all on the way now. Of course, all of us must be pass this age. But I hope the spirit always young. I love this hub and very enjoyable to read. Nice presentation, beside all the beautiful pictures and the video as well. Vote up and have a nice weekend.
Prasetio
Well drbj, I'm convinced that the best thing you take into old age is a sense of humour and you've got that in spades.
Loved the Carlin video too, which I found strangely moving...it's all true!
Cheers
Very amusing as always drbj. As getting older isn't optional I decided I might as well enjoy it, and just like Shakespeare's Cleopatra 'age cannot wither her nor custom stale her infinity variety'. I am also delusional, but another of the benefits of age is that nobody mentions it or points it out!
drbj, what a lovely hub! It certainly made me smile - I'm 43 but so much of it applies, since I'm living with my aging parents. I'm so aware of the passage of time and the fragility of life - too much of my day and life is spent with either mine or their doctors, hospitals. But we certainly grab at life and love and humor at every chance we get and go away on vacation at every opportunity.
I think it was Garth Brooks that sang, "I'm much too young to feel this old." (only in body, not in mind or spirit)
I'm happy to report that my inner child is still ageless.
James Broughton
I don't think you or Nellieanna will ever be old to me, I look at you both as women I would love to grow into. Reflective and mature with playfulness and abandon.
Take care, wonderful hub, voted way up!
oh this is priceless, you at your fnest-- laughed myself silly.
I already see some of those warning signs! I used to tell my dad that as he got older he started having furniture problems - his chest was falling into his drawers:).
Hilarious! I so enjoy your writings. They put me in a good mood. Laughter is good for the soul. Thank you for sharing your creative gifts with us. You brighten up the HubPages.
You got me both laughing and crying this morning. Your rhymes are hysterical, but I'm afraid George just about did me in. Then the finish, Sam and the doctor, got me right back to laughing. Guess I'm not dead yet! Beautifully put together...up and funny and shared at Not So Old Broads on Facebook.
Such a funny hub :) I had a wonderful time reading it not realizing that very soon I will be one of the old haggard woman :)
but, oh well...let me enjoy the moment ;)
Ha-ha! I thought I had heard every old person joke out there but your Hub proves you're never to old to learn new "old age benefits". Loved it all especially that wrinkled sock tip :)
Hi, drbj - oh, you really made me laugh with this one. One of the really cool things about old age (that you mentioned) is that you can still terrorize your friends and relatives while driving. I was just riding around with a very strong, very vital 79 year old yesterday, and she scared the wits out of me. I remember when it was the 18 year old who scared me but I've learned a new lesson!
Too old to die young is Billy Connelly's catch cry. You have a young at heart attitude which comes out in your writing. It's a well known fact that laughter is healthy, so this hub has added a few more years to my final score. It's not just a funny hub, but a well researched one. Cheers
I thoroughly enjoyed reading your hub, drbj. I know what you are talking about. That joke is a classic and I'll be laughing for a long time.
What a Refreshing, Laugh a Minute Hub, Drbj on Old Age...I'm beginning to really Enjoy some Maturity...Ha! I intend to fight it Every step of the way! And isn't 60 the new 40 and so on. Love your Humor! You are Cool...so how Old does that Expression make me...Mmm?
OMG (Oh my God) This hub made a grown man like me who is almost 60. Did I say 60? I meant 40 cry. The piece on George Carlin was the rainmaker for me. This hub was terrific. I really enjoyed reading it. You rock!!!!!!
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