- Aging & Longevity
Old Age Benefits
Old Age Benefits and Old Age Alerts
It is said that as you get older, you get wiser. Have you heard that, too? The only wiser I get has a ‘Bud’ in front of it. But I have learned of multiple old age benefits over time, and I am delighted to share them with you – in rhyme.
Wait a minute. Do I hear you thinking, “What makes me so qualified?” Well, I am older than dirt, although I am not as old as Methuselah who was reported to have lived to the age of 969 in Biblical times.
Cab Calloway "It Ain't Necessarily So"
“It Ain't Necessarily So" – music by George Gershwin, lyrics by Ira Gershwin, from the Gershwins' opera, Porgy and Bess.
Forgive me while I digress for a moment and share my favorite song lyric about that aged icon. The song: “It Ain’t Necessarily So.” The lyric is as follows:
“Methus’lah lived 900 years . . . Methus’lah lived 900 years . . . But who calls dat livin’ . . . When no gal’ll give in . . . To no man who’s 900 years!”
If the truth be told, I am not that old,
I hold my temper and ‘make do.’
When someone calls me at 9:00 PM
And asks, “Sorry, did I wake you?”
Old Age Benefits
• Whatever you purchase from this point on will not wear out.
. . . Only problem – you will need strength for the price tag – to tear out.
• You can order the Senior Special without telling little white lies.
. . . So go ahead and enjoy those discounted French fries.
• You can eat supper any time you want after 4:00 PM.
. . . Then you’ll have time before bedtime for a rewarding BM.
• ‘Happy hour’ for you is a refreshing nap.
. . . You don’t have to sit in a bar list’ning to rap.
”He has a profound respect for old age. Especially when it's bottled.” - Gene Fowler
'Gigi' 1958 Hermione Gingold & Maurice Chevalier "I Remember It Well"
• Getting lucky is finding your car in the parking lot.
. . . Before, it meant that your partner found the right spot.
• You have learned not to take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night!
. . . Experience will soon teach you what is wrong … and what is right.
• People will no longer see you as a hypochondriac.
. . . You can complain all you want about your neck and your back.
• Although you may think it’s a curse,
. . . Believe me, your eyes will not get much worse.
• You cannot be tried by a jury of your peers I’m told.
. . . Why not? Because there are none available that old.
• You can sit in a rocking chair and offer no resistance,
. . . Though you cannot get it started without some assistance.
• You can forecast the weather when your joints give you pain.
. . . Weathermen call you to learn will there be sunshine or rain?
• Your doctor says, 'I have good news and bad,' without any tact.
. . . The good news is: that you are not a hypochondriac.
• Your family always offers a ride – what a deal!
. . . Why? Because they do not want you behind the wheel.
• You search for your glasses, even under the bed
.. . . Where do you find them? On top of your head!
• You welcome an "all-nighter" but it’s not a spree,
. . . It means you did not have to get up to pee!
• No one expects you to move very fast.
. . . You conserve your strength so it will last.
• Now you are wise enough to watch your step,
. . . But you don’t go out, you have lost all your pep.
• In a hostage situation, you may feel hunger and thirst,
. . . But do not worry, they are likely to release you first.
• It takes twice as long to look half as good.
… But you still have your health, knock on wood.
Old Age Alerts
What to look out for wherever you go,
But then again, you already know:
• Steps are much higher.
• Small print is smaller.
• It takes more time to light your fire.
• Everyone else is taller.
• Small hills are steeper.
• Stairs are much longer.
• You often sleep in a sleeper,
• You dance the waltz, not the conga.
"I Forgot Song" - Tom Rush
• You argue with others about Social Security,
. . . Government spending, and bottled water purity.
• You enjoyed seeing that film, “Something’s Got to Give.”
. . . Now will someone please tell you on which street you live?
• You straighten out the wrinkles in your socks – there are many.
. . . Oh, wait a minute, you just noticed you aren't wearing any.
“Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.” - Mark Twain
• Your knees buckle but your belt won't.
. . . Your back goes out … although you don’t.
• When you sleep all stretched out on the bed,
. . . Your family worries that you are dead.
• You light the candles on your birthday cake and say, ‘Hiya,’’
. . . To nearby campers who form a circle and sing, 'Kumbaya.'
"The trick is growing up without growing old." - Casey Stengel
• You keep repeating yourself.
. . . You keep repeating yourself.
• You get the hotel bill for $200 a night and you holler,
. . . You remember when a room at Motel 6 was just six dollars.
• It will take two tries – that is your mission,
. . . When rising from a sitting position.
• Your assets are lower, in front and behind.
. . . You walk much slower, But you still have your mind!
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.” - Mark Twain
'Philosophy for Old Age - George Carlin
To reward you for reading this far, here is my favorite “old age” joke: This old fellow, I’ll call him Sam, goes to a new doctor for his annual checkup.
Doctor – Sam, you are in great shape for a sixty-year old.
Sam – Who says I’m sixty years old?
Doctor – You’re not sixty? How old are you?
Sam – I will be eighty next month.
Doctor – That’s remarkable. Eighty? Do you mind if I ask you at what age your father died?
Sam – Who says my father is dead?
Doctor – He’s not dead?
Sam – Nope, he will be 104 this year!
Doctor – With such a good family medical history, your grandfather must have been pretty old when he died.
Sam – Who says my grandfather is dead?
Doctor – He’s not dead???
Sam – Nope, he will be 126 this year and he’s getting married next week.
Doctor – OMG! Why at his age would he want to get married?
Sam – Who says he wants to?
"The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter." – Mark Twain
© Copyright BJ Rakow, Ph.D. 2011. All rights reserved. Author, "Much of What You Know about Job Search Just Ain't So"
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