Old Age Benefits

It is said that as you get older, you get wiser. Have you heard that, too? The only wiser I get has a ‘Bud’ in front of it. But I have learned of multiple old age benefits over time, and I am delighted to share them with you – in rhyme.

Wait a minute. Do I hear you thinking, “What makes me so qualified?” Well, I am older than dirt, although I am not as old as Methuselah who was reported to have lived to the age of 969 in Biblical times.

“It Ain't Necessarily So" – music by George Gershwin, lyrics by Ira Gershwin, from the Gershwins' opera, Porgy and Bess.

Forgive me while I digress for a moment and share my favorite song lyric about that aged icon. The song: “It Ain’t Necessarily So.” The lyric is as follows:

“Methus’lah lived 900 years . . . Methus’lah lived 900 years . . . But who calls dat livin’ . . . When no gal’ll give in . . . To no man who’s 900 years!”

If the truth be told, I am not that old,

I hold my temper and ‘make do.’

When someone calls me at 9:00 PM

And asks, “Sorry, did I wake you?”

Old Age Benefits

• Whatever you purchase from this point on will not wear out.

. . . Only problem – you will need strength for the price tag – to tear out.

• You can order the Senior Special without telling little white lies.

. . . So go ahead and enjoy those discounted French fries.

• You can eat supper any time you want after 4:00 PM.

. . . Then you’ll have time before bedtime for a rewarding BM.

• ‘Happy hour’ for you is a refreshing nap.

. . . You don’t have to sit in a bar list’ning to rap.

”He has a profound respect for old age. Especially when it's bottled.” - Gene Fowler

• Getting lucky is finding your car in the parking lot.

. . . Before, it meant that your partner found the right spot.

• You have learned not to take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night!

. . . Experience will soon teach you what is wrong … and what is right.

• People will no longer see you as a hypochondriac.

. . . You can complain all you want about your neck and your back.

• Although you may think it’s a curse,

. . . Believe me, your eyes will not get much worse.

• You cannot be tried by a jury of your peers I’m told.

. . . Why not? Because there are none available that old.

• You can sit in a rocking chair and offer no resistance,

. . . Though you cannot get it started without some assistance.

• You can forecast the weather when your joints give you pain.

. . . Weathermen call you to learn will there be sunshine or rain?

• Your doctor says, 'I have good news and bad,' without any tact.

. . . The good news is: that you are not a hypochondriac.

• Your family always offers a ride – what a deal!

. . . Why? Because they do not want you behind the wheel.

• You search for your glasses, even under the bed

.. . . Where do you find them? On top of your head!

• You welcome an "all-nighter" but it’s not a spree,

. . . It means you did not have to get up to pee!

• No one expects you to move very fast.

. . . You conserve your strength so it will last.

• Now you are wise enough to watch your step,

. . . But you don’t go out, you have lost all your pep.

• In a hostage situation, you may feel hunger and thirst,

. . . But do not worry, they are likely to release you first.

• It takes twice as long to look half as good.

… But you still have your health, knock on wood.

What to look out for wherever you go,

But then again, you already know:

• Steps are much higher.

• Small print is smaller.

• It takes more time to light your fire.

• Everyone else is taller.

• Small hills are steeper.

• Stairs are much longer.

• You often sleep in a sleeper,

• You dance the waltz, not the conga.

• You argue with others about Social Security,

. . . Government spending, and bottled water purity.

• You enjoyed seeing that film, “Something’s Got to Give.”

. . . Now will someone please tell you on which street you live?

• You straighten out the wrinkles in your socks – there are many.

. . . Oh, wait a minute, you just noticed you aren't wearing any.

“Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.” - Mark Twain

• Your knees buckle but your belt won't.

. . . Your back goes out … although you don’t.

• When you sleep all stretched out on the bed,

. . . Your family worries that you are dead.

• You light the candles on your birthday cake and say, ‘Hiya,’’

. . . To nearby campers who form a circle and sing, 'Kumbaya.'

"The trick is growing up without growing old." - Casey Stengel

• You keep repeating yourself.

. . . You keep repeating yourself.

• You get the hotel bill for $200 a night and you holler,

. . . You remember when a room at Motel 6 was just six dollars.

• It will take two tries – that is your mission,

. . . When rising from a sitting position.

• Your assets are lower, in front and behind.

. . . You walk much slower, But you still have your mind!

“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.” - Mark Twain

To reward you for reading this far, here is my favorite “old age” joke: This old fellow, I’ll call him Sam, goes to a new doctor for his annual checkup.

Doctor – Sam, you are in great shape for a sixty-year old.

Sam – Who says I’m sixty years old?

Doctor – You’re not sixty? How old are you?

Sam – I will be eighty next month.

Doctor – That’s remarkable. Eighty? Do you mind if I ask you at what age your father died?

Sam – Who says my father is dead?

Doctor – He’s not dead?

Sam – Nope, he will be 104 this year!

Doctor – With such a good family medical history, your grandfather must have been pretty old when he died.

Sam – Who says my grandfather is dead?

Doctor – He’s not dead???

Sam – Nope, he will be 126 this year and he’s getting married next week.

Doctor – OMG! Why at his age would he want to get married?

Sam – Who says he wants to?

"The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter." – Mark Twain

© Copyright BJ Rakow, Ph.D. 2011. All rights reserved. Author, "Much of What You Know about Job Search Just Ain't So"