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Silently In The Night: A Moment With Bill Reflection
Close Your Eyes and Sleep
Silently in the night, the past creeps underneath the door jamb of my bedroom. It slithers across the floorboards and caresses me as I fall gently into slumber. As the here and now fades from view, voices and scenes from days gone by become my companions, and I welcome them as one would welcome old friends, with a loving embrace and a smile.
They do not come to harm me though once I believed they would. They do not come to frighten me, to chastise me, or to lecture me, though once I believed that was their purpose.
Tonight they will come bearing gifts, as they always do, gifts of wondrous adventures and lessons learned, of unconditional love and lifelong friendships.
I am blessed, and although it took seemingly forever for me to realize it, I always have been blessed....and always will be.
So Many Lessons to Learn
“Was it only by dreaming or writing that I could find out what I thought?”
Five senses we all have, and each sense a culmination of millions of receptors. Those receptors engage, they categorize, they memorize and they file away for future use. The good and the bad, the happy and the sad, the beneficial, the detrimental, the harmful and the jubilant; all downloaded into our memory banks to be called upon in the future.
They are all lessons. The time we placed our hand on a hot burner. The time we jumped from the garage roof and broke our arm. The time we were rejected by a girl, the time we first kissed a girl, the time we lost at love and the time we found everlasting love; all there to serve and protect our sleeping hero nestled underneath his quilt.
Restless slumber, peaceful slumber, invasions of thoughts and memories, worries and triumphs; silently in the night they come stealing. Toss and turn, kick the covers, turn that pillow over, find a position that works for body, mind and soul, and then close your eyes once more and welcome the past, for it never really leaves us, and it never really intends to harm us. Harm only comes….angst only comes….pain only comes….when we allow it to happen.
A beautiful song to set you free
Are You out of Your Mind?
How about this you say? I was abused as a child. I was invaded, crushed, and violated at an age when life should have been about Barbies and tea parties. Not harmful you say? Good memories you say? Bull*&%# I say! Were you ever abused, Bill? Were you ever manipulated so that trust and love at taken from your life in one nightmarish act of selfishness and betrayal?
No, I have not been abused. I have no clue. I have no frame of reference. I have no way to truly emphasize with that kind of crushing misery.
I only know this: if we do not find a way to take a positive lesson from our pain, then that act of extreme violation will continue to harm us until the day we die.
The Ghosts of Shadowed Rafters
No, I have not been abused; I do, however, have my ghosts. We all do. It is not necessary that each of us suffer from every imaginable wrong in order for us to understand emotional and physical and psychological pain. Pain does not vary. Pain is pain. We all react to it; we all understand it; we all learn to cope with it, deal with it and yes, overcome it.
Ghosts! Tuck them away for a rainy day; don’t look at them and they will disappear for awhile. Shove them in that closet and whisper their names only when it is safe to do so. All well and good until one day, often times when we least expect it, those ghosts will pound on that door, pound on that door, kick and claw and pound on that door, and when the breach has been accomplished, when those ghosts are shrieking through your mind with no protection to be found, then and only then will you have to deal with them.
And deal with them you must if you are ever to enjoy the restful slumber that is your birthright.
An important message for all
And So?
And so we overcome the screeching banshees with an army of Caspers. We take to bed with us the good memories. We nurture those moments like when your child told you that she loved you. You grab hold of that time a teacher gave you encouragement, and you remember the sweetness of a first kiss with Tommy from down the street.
You wrap your arms around the triumphs, the times you overcame hardships despite incredible odds. We high-five the times we tossed aside our fears and moved forward with sweat turning to blood and the bowels threatening to empty. We fist-bump flashbacks to the good we have done in life, for surely it greatly overwhelms the bad we have done. We give a shout out to old loves, to new loves, and to loves we have yet to experience, and we enlist their aid in kicking the crap out of those old memories of cheating and lying and trust-busting.
We remember the times we loved ourselves, and we photocopy it in our minds and call upon it daily…hourly….by the minute….whenever it is needed, a drop of water to a man thirsting in the desert, a life jacket to a woman drowning in five inches of water, loving ourselves is the first and most important cure when dealing with the screaming willy nillies of the past, and kicking their sorry butts out of our sleeping chamber and allowing us to smile in slumber.
This song is my favorite lullaby
No It Is Not Easy
But seriously, what of value is ever easy to attain. What priceless treasure comes without a cost? How badly do you want peace of mind? How badly do you want to put a chokehold on the negatives, suck them dry of whatever lessons they hold, and then raise your arms in triumph like Rocky standing proud upon the towering steps of Philadelphia Museum of Art?
There is so much of life still waiting to be lived. There are so many wonders yet to behold. There are so many opportunities and adventures waiting for you; don’t you think doing all of that would be more easily attained if you slept soundly with the past?
There is no refusing them entry. They will be there each night, un-beckoned and demanding an audience after you close your eyes. Will you welcome them? Will you learn from them? Will you embrace them as a part of your overall tapestry of life, or will you cringe in horror, shame and fear at the mere glimpse of their shadow?
The choice is yours and yours alone.
Forgive and move on.
Love and move on.
Sleep well and move on.
Golden slumbers to you all.
2013 William D. Holland (aka billybuc)
“Helping writers to spread their wings and fly.”
Comments
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They do for sure, Deb, and we speak from experience now don't we? Thanks as always and Happy Wednesday to you.
There will always be pain and hardships. Correct me if I am wrong, but I know that has made the victim so much stronger. Those that suffer have wills of steel.
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Carol, I like that saying....compensations....very interesting indeed. Thank you for your kind words, and I really mean it too. :) Happy Thanksgiving Carol.
I do believe that everything in life comes with a price tag..My mother in law used to say.. "Everything in life has its compensations" A most interesting thought if you delve into it. As always reflective. I am always amazed and I mean it the brilliancy of your writing.
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Mathira, thank you! What a gift we have been given; it would be a shame if we wasted it. :)
'There is so much of life still waiting to be lived', how beautifully you have summed up what life is all about, billy. I enjoyed reading your hub for the sheer positive energy it brought forth.
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Thank you so much Seafarer....I rarely remember my dreams. I don't know why but I feel cheated because of it. Sigh! Anyway, have a wonderful weekend.
My, my Bill! What an awesomely gorgeous hub....so poetic and heartfelt. Loved the Dan Fogelberg song video that goes with it. The word enchanting certainly comes to mind.
I live for rich dreams...dreams that are so dramatic that I can remember enough of them to write down and keep in my dream journal. I am on my 2nd or 3rd, now....and golden slumbers with restorative dreams are the best.
Golden slumbers back to you, my friend!
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And Sha, isn't that a lovely place to be in? You paid your dues my friend; its' time to totally enjoy life. Thanks for your reflection.
It's funny - lately I've been having dreams of people in my past who are now dead, such as my son's father and an ex-boss of mine. The beauty is the dreams are pleasant. Times are good and love is remembered. I guess I've dealt with my ghosts and now welcome them as the beautiful memories they once held rather than the ugly ones that tore us apart.
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Paula, I just saw an ad for Macy's; they have purses on sale for the holidays. :)
Seriously, Sis, thank you! I reflect a lot on my life; I really shouldn't even be here right now. I did my best to check out early but the empowering light you write about was always in sight...faint often but still there...and one day I decided to head for it instead of shutting my eyes. Best decision I ever made.
Kindred spirits? I think so dear lady.
Sending a hug across the country, from me to you.
bill
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Thank you vkwok; I'll settle for amazing and touching any old day. :)
Bro......I am lovingly embracing this moving, inspiring and healing body of work. It is quite simply, A Masterpiece. I appreciate, understand and live each moment of my life, by firmly believing in the concepts you share with us.......
I often wondered HOW I came to this empowering light, long enough and aware enough to assimilate it into the very fiber of my being. Then one day, I realized how very simple the answer is....for reasons unknown to me, I was blessed by a miracle. I clearly knew it could be nothing less. Me thinks we are truly kindred spirits.
Enlightenment and comfort arrive in many forms, all unexpected but desperately needed......Our only effort is to embrace it.
THIS one is being printed up, laminated & carted with me. Now I have to buy a new purse. I hope you're happy!!........Up & beyond Excellence.....shared, tweeted, pinned .....passed out at street corners, left in buildings, strapped to carrier pigeon, & dropped from sky scrapers.
A truly amazing and touching article.
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Very true drbj....actually I rarely remember my dreams. Evidently they aren't exciting enough. :) I'll have to work on that.
Have a great day my friend.
There is so much to be learned from our dreams, Bill, as you so wisely pointed out. The problem seems to be we have not learned yet how to best decipher and act on them.
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Thank you for your kind words, Crystal. Best wishes on your book. I definitely will be buying a copy.
Beautiful and a very appropriate topic for me at this time, as I am writing my life history. Thank you for sharing and for doing it so eloquently.
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LOL...no kidding, Lizzy...that's how I felt when I read his comment.
Thanks a lot, Joe. You just made everyone else in the class look dumb. LOL
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Joe....Wow! I am floored with that comment. If there was ever any doubt of your writing abilities, and there certainly wasn't in my mind, this comment laid to rest all doubts. Beautifully written. As a lover of similes and metaphors, I totally got off on this one brother.
Have a beautiful November day my friend.
Aloha
bill
Hi, Bill!
You've triggered, and captivatingly so, a nostalgic journey for me with this personal essay. I just love your opening lines, and wondrous images popped into mind as my eyes strolled over the verbally aerobic challenge of your carefully chosen words. My imagination revved into another gear, and several movies simultaneously played in the cerebral background as I continued my trek along the magnificent river connecting each paragraph.
It's always a bittersweet experience for me to come to the end of each of your hubs. I have felt that same way upon closing a masterfully written novel. I'm thankful for having had such a memorable suspension of my life for a few minutes today...yet not in a way that finds me coming back to reality with regret...but, rather, in a way that feeds a hungry wolf within and sustains him for the long winter's journey ahead.
Aloha and blessings from the other side of the state, Bill!
~Joe
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I so agree, Michelle; I so agree. I will be by to visit shortly. Thank you.
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Alice Ann, best wishes to you. I know it is not easy....I know. Embrace all that is good in your life today. So much to be thankful for. Tell those loved ones from the past that you are now living in the here and now.
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DDE, nicely stated....look forward to life courageously. I love that phrase. Thank you.
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Martin, thank you for sharing that; it is so important that people learn to let go of the past and step towards the light.
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Thank you so much agusfanani! I slept well as a matter of fact. I hope you do as well my friend.
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tireless, I am happy to hear that. I look forward to the new hub and I will smile when I read it. Thank you!
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Thank you Jackie and yes, forgive and forget....not easy to do but oh so rewarding.
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Faith, thankful indeed. I am thankful for every trial and tribulation. They have all taught me how to grow as a human being. How could that ever be wrong?
Thank you my dear; wishing you a beautiful day, and blessings always
bill
We should really learn to let the past sleep soundly....it's the only way to move on! Shared.
This was beautiful Bill and if I didn't know any better I would think that you'd written it just for me. Every evening before I go to sleep and on waking I have to fight the memories of my past. All my loved ones that are no longer with me come back to haunt me. It doesn't make me happy though, to reminiscence, it does the complete opposite. I have to jump out of the bed quickly before the depression takes hold. You are so right, there is so much ahead, so much life to live. This is a hub that again, I will refer to periodically, especially when I'm feeling low.
Silently In The Night: A Moment With Bill Reflection a truly great hub from you. A very helpful hub with such positive thoughts look forward to life courageously, be responsible for your own dream
Thank you for this. I was in my 30s when my mother's husband stopped walking my dreams. I got use to being afraid to sleep.
A beautiful, encouraging hub and my hope that the golden slumber is always ours .
As always there is much to be learned from your wisdom. Tonight as I struggled with the layout of a new hub, you gave me ideas. Thanks :)
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Say Yes To Life I agree with you about Fogelberg. I was lucky enough to see him about ten years ago; such a gracious and talented man.
Thank you for the visit.
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truthfonow, we all do indeed. So much good comes from letting go but often it is so very hard to do. :) Thank you for your thoughts.
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Vicki,letting go is a very hard thing to do. If you still struggle with it then it isn't time yet. It will happen.
Thank you for stopping by.
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Thank you so much,. Christy. Coming from a poet with your talent I am honored.
Gorgeous song by Dan Fogelberg! He died a few years ago, in his late 50's. He sure left a beautiful legacy behind! Fabulous video, too! Thanks for posting this!
I like the format of this article a lot. It flows like poetry. It is important to not let the past haunt you and prevent you from living in the present. It is hard when the memories flow and you have to find some way to deal in order find peace. We all have some times we would rather forget.
I still struggle with this personally. I have a hard time letting it all go. Thanks for this piece of beautiful writing--so heartfelt and descriptive. I don't remember hearing Golden Slumbers, and I really like the Beatles. It's a beautiful song. :-)
Absolutely beautiful hub, Bill. You are right, "pain is pain." No matter what the ghosts are, we all have them. Thank-you for such a touching write. Wow.
Forgive and move on that is the truth! Love the videos. Another winner. ^
Profound post dear Bill! Yes, when those demons come knocking, we need to face them dead in the face and then set them free. This life is full of so many trials we all face that do cause much pain, but the testing of our faith produces perseverance through those very trials. "Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." It is strange how we grow so much stronger after each trial and maybe not at the time, but then how thankful we are to be where we are now in this life. When we are finally able to forgive, we are truly set free and then that sweet, sweet peace comes and we can sleep like babies for sure!
Up and more and sharing
Peace and blessings always,
Faith Reaper
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Thank you Dianna! I'm constantly trying new formats, and it's nice to have that recognized.
Your words were as a lullaby in this post. You certainly are a person of great diversity when writing.
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I love it, Sheila! What a great line; what a great attitude. Thanks for sharing that.
Wonderful! There are times I wake from nightmares about my past feeling scared, embarrassed, or depressed. That doesn't last long. In my mind I yell out that they can get me in my sleep, but I take over my day and won't let the negative things beat me down.
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Brandi, that famous word "but" is one that rankles me to no end. That one word tells me they really don't care if they hurt my feelings, so why did they bother to say that in the first place?
Hurt feelings? no longer for me. Nobody can hurt me as much as I have hurt myself over the years.
Thanks for sharing your experience.
bill
Just an important article. This one hits home Billy: "if we do not find a way to take a positive lesson from our pain, then that act of extreme violation will continue to harm us until the day we die." That's so true. In my case, I had to learn to let go, not just of the mother that abandoned me, but also of the people in my life that support her still to this day. It's with letting go of ALL of the negativity, not just a part of it, that I became who I am.
I find it really funny when someone starts gossiping to me and then says, "hey I don't want to hurt your feelings, but...".
Billy, I'm so past the hurt feeling stage. I've moved on. I forgive, but I don't forget. Fool me once....
Anyway, great Hub!
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You are very welcome, Dora, and thank you!
Thank you for a pleasant share, and a useful lesson to digest.
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Well said, Vicki, and it is always nice to have you stop by. I'll head to your website and see what I can see. Thank you!
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Thank you Anna! I thought this one might ring true for many readers. :) I hope you are having a wondrous day my friend.
I do believe that we learn way more from the bad experiences in life than we learn from the easy,good ones. The important thing is to try and appreciate the altered perspective we obtain, and, as you so rightly say, "learn to live productive lives." In addition to productive, it is really life altering if you can pass some kindness forward every day. Sometimes this is difficult, if you haven't known much yourself, but even sunshine on yur face can be a lovely kindness.
Beautiful Hub, Bill.
Find me at www.griefcanheal.com
Interesting and very true. Life seems to be a mountainous trail of joyous highs and painful lows. We feel whether good or bad, we accept, we forgive and we grow. It is so hard though.
Open, honest and encouraging words Mr Holland :)
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Thank you DJ; your insights are valuable and respected by that friend you mentioned. I have no frame of reference about child abuse and so I will step aside and let your words do the explaining.
Sending you a warm hug of friendship my dear friend.
bill
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Mary, you said it perfectly. The past is there for us to learn from. No, it never really leaves us, but it can be used as a learning tool and help us to grow.
Sending you warm wishes on this late fall morning.
bill
Bill, you had me at the first paragraph. What a splendid beginning to your article! You are really good at this.
I agree with 99% of your article. It is a great concept, to be able to put the past behind us, where it belongs. And, yes, practicing to put those
dark and dreadful haunts back into the closet, is great advice. It may take more practice for some than it does for others, but it is a challenge that most of us must aspire to accomplish.
Bill, you put yourself through hell and by your hard works and the grace of God, you pulled yourself out of that hell.
It is somewhat different when a child is trying to understand the basic principles of life. These are the formative years when we begin to understand who will protect us and who we should trust. A developing mind cannot process the chaos and pain and the distrust in their very small world. When the people who should be giving love and protection are the ones that are bringing the pain, it messes up a child's mind.
Developmental progresses may not occur as times that they should. And, as a result, life is viewed through eyes that never learned the very basics of living.
I respectfully disagree, Bill. "Pain is pain....We all understand it; we all learn to cope with it."
The pain that a three year old suffers at the hands of a parent is completely different than the pain of an adult. A young child cannot understand any part of a beating with a switch that leaves flesh torn open. Ten to twelve years of beatings. No. There is no positive lesson to be learned from child abuse. But, we do survive and learn to live productive lives.
Yes, we all have a past and skeletons in the closet. Most people can understand the idea of taking control of their adult life and moving forward.
We should never use our past as a crutch for living. It must never be used as an excuse. But, it is who we are, whether we want to admit it
or not. And, it does rear its ugly head and sends me back into counseling
ever five years, or so. There are some things that simply cannot be forgotten.
I have forgiven my parents. I learned to love. And, I sleep well at night.
Today, I am a writer. I am working on a fantastic book of fiction that will knock your socks off. My teacher has taught me how to sharpen my writing skills. And, I shall forever be grateful to him. He is definitely a
one of a kind, all around great guy. Some of you call him billybuc, but
I call him friend.
DJ.
Sleep and dreams seem to be beyond our control. Nightmares appear out of nowhere or connected to events in our lives. Sleeping well and moving on may be our only hope when they invade us. Not letting those bad dreams become part of our lives and trying to think and live only with the positive is our best hope.
Voted up, useful, awesome, and interesting.
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Eric, my best writing ideas come right after I wake up from a restful sleep...it was not always that way my friend.
Thank you as always and I hope you make some great memories today.
I used to create them so fast there was a waiting line at my door. Not anymore.
Dalai Lama said: Sleep is the greatest meditation of all. (or something like that) True that for me.
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Cam, I have a spring cleaning party for my brain once a year. Kick those bad boys to the curb and replace them with good thoughts and recent memories. Life is good, buddy, and I thank you for your friendship.
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Ann, I love what you said...your parents embrace you in your dreams. Wow my friend; that says much in few words.
Thank you for sharing that. I hope your day is the stuff of great dreams.
bill
Bill, yeah, I've got some ghosts, ghouls, monsters, banshees etc in the closet. Actually, a few of those aren't there anymore. I evicted them. It happens when it happens. One at a time they go, and I'm a little happier when they do go. Thanks for an encouraging start to my day.
This tells me what to do with the thoughts of that poem of mine! It's true we have to move on and there's no point in dwelling on the bad. My parents embrace me in my dreams and that's the important thing, that helps me feel forgiven.
Difficult to empathise with really bad experiences but, as you say, the present is all important, the future is for looking forward to and for doing one's best to make it good. This hub holds a very important message. May your dreams be peaceful and your days exciting! Ann
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Randi, thank you so much. I am honored.
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And Kim, that is the secret to recovery, is it not? A little lighter each day.
Blessings and happiness to you my friend.
bill
While you may think of me as the "master" of words with friends, you, my friend are the master with words!
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Yup indeed, Lizzy! That is a profound word....yup! :) I hope you know how much I like you.
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Ruby, good morning. You are much too early. LOL
I am so happy you embraced this hub; thank you for your kind words and friendship.
bill
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A catharsis indeed, Maria. Write that series; others need it as much as you do.
You are such a treasure.
love,
bill
"And so we overcome the screeching banshees with an army of Caspers"
I believe it is quite obvious who writes so beautifully!
Combined your exquisite piece with one of my all-time favorite songs and you reach even higher heights and slumbers.
I have more nights in which I sleep and more days in which the monsters do not win. I am thankful.
Still carrying the weight, but feeling a little bit lighter with each new day,
Kim
". . . if we do not find a way to take a positive lesson from our pain, then that act of extreme violation will continue to harm us until the day we die."
Yup.
This is the most refreshing read you have ever written. It touched me and your words, oh so true! Embrace your past? At one time i would have said NO!, But if one allows a look back, there are good memories to behold. Thank you for reminding us to remember the good and to forget the bad and ugly...Bless you...
Oh Bill,
Your writing today got into my soul where that ghost stays usually in pretty good control. I never deny it, yet I do become ever so impatient.
I have decided to write my poetry series to acknowledge it, put a period on for awhile and hopefully help others by sharing universal feelings.
With every day, in every way, it becomes easier to dwell on the positives and I begrudgingly admit the ghosts have made me amazingly stronger and more resilient. And that Fogelberg song is a classic wonder.
Have a peaceful day and thank you for the catharsis. Love, Maria
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Thank you as always Janine. I hope you have a wonderful day my friend.
Will you more then ever Bill and God how I love Golden Slumbers. Seriously, still one of my favorite Beatle songs from them. Perfect addition to this article and wishing you a great day now, as always!
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