Surviving Anorexia Nervosa

'I fell to the floor, my skeletal frame smashing upon the hard ground. Seconds later, there I was looking down at my wasted body destroyed by anorexia nervosa, so tiny on the hospital bed.
So many faces around me, panic, commotion, nurses trying to bring me back.
Fear instantly hit my heart, immobilised I stared at my lifeless form.

"Please God I don't want to die", I whispered. I knew at that point I had never in my whole life wanted to live so badly.' My anorexia nervosa would rule me no-more.

The Beginning Of Obsession With Food The Beginning Of Anorexia

At the age of sixteen, I made the decision I just had to lose weight. I was not overweight in the slightest I was a normal healthy build but at that particular time I never realised that.

For the previous years prior to making this decision, my self esteem had steadily deteriorated. My teenage years were not a happy time for me, stemming back from my childhood years,especially with the poor relationship I had with my mother.

'She walked out on my father when I was 14.'

Looking in the mirror I totally despised what I saw, my whole outlook on myself was distorted, and I decided by losing some weight, I would feel better about myself and my life would be so much more happier, fixing all the hurts I had inside. Hence the beginning of an obsession with food.

At first I began to eat two diet biscuits for breakfast, two more at lunch and a very small dinner at night. After a few more weeks went by, I kept my morning and lunch routine as it was and dropped my dinner all together. As I saw the weight slowly melting off, it spurred me to new levels of starvation, so pleased with my achievements

Within a month or so I was hardly eating at all, still not content with my weight loss, I just could not 'see' in the mirror what my family saw, something they just could not understand. I looked at myself and still I saw the girl I once was. It just wasn't enough weight for me to be happy at all. The beginning of anorexia nervosa.

'My moods crept steadily downhill at the same time, withdrawing myself from my family and friends.'

My family were becoming increasingly worried with my plummeting weight, trying all sorts of tactics to encourage me to eat, but there was nothing they could do. In their hearts hopelessness began to embed its roots,no-one knew what to do or say. Not a lot was known then as it is today,and that contributed strongly for the huge lack of understanding this crippling disease known as anorexia nervosia.

Treatment

I was a horrible mess inside, as a deep depression consumed my mind and soul, a crying of my heart, that I kept deep inside.

I ran out of excuses as to why I no longer ate,no explanations for any food obsessions. I had no answers to give. I did not understand this mounting obsession with food that grew inside me, that continued eating flesh away from my bones.

'I was locked inside this sickness,an obsession that strangled me so tight, that I was indeed a prisoner to myself and my disease. '

One night in a pool of lost hope and dreams, with no light ahead, I overdosed on sleeping tablets, and lay down upon my bed staring at the walls til unconsciousness hit.

I awoke the next morning in a strange bed,and I quickly realised exactly where I was.My father had not been able to wake me that morning, so he had rushed me to emergency, and here I now was, feeling like crap but still alive.

After many questions from the staff, probing for answers I simply did not know,they debated what to do with me. A anorexia nervosa patient however has a mixture of physical and emotional symptoms, doctors feel to treat the emotional side first. Off I was escorted to the one building I always feared.

'So began my stay at the psychiatric ward.'

Death Begin To Creep Upon Me As Anorexia Strangled My Body

I hated being there.All around me there were patients with severe mental imbalances, as screams filled the night air, only silencing when restraints were used to silence them.

I felt out of place as I was a girl with a eating disorder, and I felt I didn't deserve to be in such a grim place. Each day I was given strong doses of medication,which bombed my mind to the point I couldn't even think no more.

'I was a walking zombie, losing reality further and further'

I was now skin and bones,and my body was so weak I was barely able to move.Yet still I saw the girl I had once been in the mirror,the girl who needed to lose weight. My eyes blind to my pathetic appearance.

I then decided I no longer would eat at all. If I starved myself completely I was bound to reach my ideal weight.Each night I drenched my pillowcase in tears,my body weak, my world so dark. My only friend was my disease Anorexia Nervosa.

I Fell To The Floor As The End Came Near.........

My father had come to visit.I was slowly stumbling back to my room, carrying a bunch of flowers, determined I could make the short walk. Hence my out of body experience. As I watched myself above fighting to stay alive,fear gripped my heart in huge knots, I could not believe what I was seeing.

"God if you are there please save me . At that split second with the loom of death staring me straight right in the eyes I realised I wanted so desperately to live again.This was not what I wanted at all.I opened my eyes and the resuscitation upon my body ceased. I cursed my anorexia to the hills'. "Bring me some toast", I whispered.

The Road To Recovery

'Although a struggle, from that point on my sheer determination and inner strength pulled me out slowly to slowly regain my health.To once live again as I was destined to be. Free of anorexia nervosa for good. Joyful. Happy!'

'Let me tell you something starving yourself presents you with two options' :

1. If you starve yourself, then at some point begin to eat again, you will regain your weight more in fat tissue,as starving yourself eats away your muscle

2. If you starve yourself and don't stop you will die.'

'If you feel yourself slipping out of control seek help quickly'.

'Let me tell you it's a dark, hungry hole to live and battle anorexia daily. It will rot your teeth,make you lose your hair,it wreck your internal organs,make you grow body hair,lose contact with the world,possibly lose your life.It is unthinkable to let your life slip away like that.You are a child of God destined to run free upon this earth,and be all you can be.'

Each day has mountains, each day has highs, but with my legs to carry me up-hill ,I will forever climb and never look back. I have found the road that has set my soul free.

© Deb Murray 2009