- Death & Loss of Life
The Young Widow - Shaken Faith
I know that most of you out there can relate. Have you ever had a heavy week? One that shows you that faith is not just something you say but something you battle to choose. I have had my fair share of those in the last 7 months. This week is one more for me. Surprise expenses, surprise issue, deadlines, and the possibility of some long term problems test the faith in me. The impending threat of having to pay for mistakes or choices not made by me shakes my faith. For a long time, I have written that I was unable to see too far in front of me. It is difficult to look ahead and see the potential storms brewing. I suppose that there is some comfort in knowing that these storms are nothing compared to what I have already endured. I suppose that this means that these will not break me either. There is comfort to be taken from that. These are the comments that come after my faith has settled in but it is not without struggle. One obstacle presented itself and I had to fight back unreasonable anger. I had to sit in the moment and battle myself so as to not make bad decisions out of anger. It is hard and I stumble but I live with no regrets save a few instances of frustrated behavior. Another frustrating inconvenience popped up and I was faced with battling tears. I lost important documents and my memory issues would not let me recall any helpful information. After looking everywhere, the realization that it was lost out in the world created emotion. Anxiety wanted to take hold with all of its tears, fears, and self attacking behaviors and it blanketed itself over me. It is the hardest time to tell yourself to wait. Don't let this happen. Choose faith and wait until you know for certain. 48 hours later, I drive to where the file is sitting in an open office with people coming and going. It is still unopened and complete. No one accessed the valuables inside. How great this was! The joy and satisfaction of having my faith proven was almost threatened by the fact that someone knew who I was and that it was mine and made the choice not to call me to let me know. How long would it have sat there if I had not come? Normal thoughts that provoke useless, negative emotions which cause no one else harm but me. So, again I choose faith! I guess in some way it is selfish. I choose me over life's insanity.
The story keeps going with more wonderfully impossible twists and I struggle to keep calm and remain on coarse. I am not really sure what is the right coarse to take. There are more and more frustrations added: unreliable people wasting my time, energy, and gas, unknown information threatening to cause discomfort and inconvenience in the near future, and it keeps on coming. What I do know is that, whichever the coarse, the ride will be bumpy for a while. So, I stubbornly insist on faith. The bumps on the road will be there no matter what but to travel without faith is just ensuring me that I will be injured through the journey. So I breath. This too shall pass. Faith takes away a lot of worry but not all of it. So, I stay up late. I wonder, think, and worry a bit. I breath. Faith is less about painting a perfect picture and more about getting to the finish line with a smile on your face and hope in your heart. Like many other worthwhile things...IT IS HARD, TIRING, and difficult to keep up alone.
I know the choices that I would make if it were not for faith, hope, and love. They make themselves known and clear to me every time I have a battle to face. I would throw my hands up. My spirit would suffer. I would lose most of myself and become cold and bitter. Only those who know me would see the difference. New people in my life would just see me as normal, like most of society. It may be true that I have been shaken to the core and that I do not appear to be completely me yet but I will not be insulted by being accused of being normal! These are not the changes that lie in my future. While I do have a goal to evict many complications from my life and get back to basics, I do not give up on the things that matter. I am not known to choose the easy road when I know the hard one has it's long term benefits. I will not make things easier for myself at the cost of my daughter's future benefits. These things are not in my nature although, I have to say that I long for days that come without a battle again.
April 14th @ 12:16 am - L.Reina