The Young Widow - Faith
Faith is a hard topic for me as a widow. It is a crossroad. I pick the thoughts that I let in and which ones I barely listen to. It is not to be rude but it is to protect my own sanity. Honestly, making these selfish decisions are what keep me just barely okay. It's just that it is very easy to get confused. What would you have me believe? If this was always God's plan, then why would you help me see all the 'what ifs'. To believe that God was in control of this means that no matter what you did or I did the outcome would be the same. Instead I hear that it was God's will but he was too young, but he was always at the gym, but his medical records didn't show, but we should have known, but something was strange, but what if we would have gone back, but this person should have known, but that one should know better, but this thing is to blame. Would you have me place blame, doubt, and potentially hate or am I to have faith? Was there something someone, anyone could have done or was it the will of God? And what of my little girl's heart? Is her broken heart the will of God?
I don't allow these questions to take over my mind. Even now as I repeat them, they are not allowed to penetrate into me. There are plenty of other questions out there. These questions serve no purpose. They do not change the outcome. They are just servants of a tormentor. A force that seeks to destroy or diminish what I am. I have been what I am for all of my days. The past has not shaken me and this tragedy will not force me to lose the essence that my husband loved so much. I was at church the sunday before he was pulled from my side and every sunday since. It was not until recently, that it became a bit less awkward for me and I was able to sing the songs. I still have tears but I am more accepting of the faith around me.
I have not dressed up for church yet. I was never into the dress up thing anyway, but I went down to sweats and tee-shirts. That is one of the many things that I have to say I LOVE about Living Water Fellowship, they accept you as you are. The Pastors were there for me from day one. Offering their support and guidance at my own pace. I didn't have the control of my reactions either and they never kicked me out. I remember one time someone said that God never gives you more than you can handle and I burst out laughing. Another time the person giving the service told us to tell our neighbors that it was time to move on & I looked at my neighbor and told them not to go there with me right now. No matter how angry, how frustrated, or how lost I was, I kept showing up Wednesdays and Sundays. I refused to follow the natural instinct to turn my back on what was my faith. I can't even tell you why. I am stubborn by nature and just knew that I needed to go to 'the place'.
So where is my faith now? Surrounding yourself with faithful people makes you see faith. I believe many things. I am not fortunate enough to hear the voice of God but I never needed evidence to fuel my faith. I believe that God does not give us more than we can handle, but this is not heaven and God is not the only one giving onto our lives. I believe my husband is free and that is the only thing about his death that is of importance to me. My grief & my pain are not due to some selfish desire to have him back. While anyone would jump at the chance, it is not a possibility so I choose not to think about it. My faith was here before he left, it was one of the many things he loved. It is not a product of wanting to see him again.
So the world shakes beneath my feet and I will stand firm.
These thoughts created 2 poems...
10/30/11 He Knows
Was inspired by a popular song.
11/9/11 Praise by Choice
I wrote this one while in church. I was asking myself why I was there. Then the poem came and I had to write it on the only paper available, the envelope used to tithe.