ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

The Young Widow - Faith

Updated on November 23, 2011

Faith is a hard topic for me as a widow. It is a crossroad. I pick the thoughts that I let in and which ones I barely listen to. It is not to be rude but it is to protect my own sanity. Honestly, making these selfish decisions are what keep me just barely okay. It's just that it is very easy to get confused. What would you have me believe? If this was always God's plan, then why would you help me see all the 'what ifs'. To believe that God was in control of this means that no matter what you did or I did the outcome would be the same. Instead I hear that it was God's will but he was too young, but he was always at the gym, but his medical records didn't show, but we should have known, but something was strange, but what if we would have gone back, but this person should have known, but that one should know better, but this thing is to blame. Would you have me place blame, doubt, and potentially hate or am I to have faith? Was there something someone, anyone could have done or was it the will of God? And what of my little girl's heart? Is her broken heart the will of God?

I don't allow these questions to take over my mind. Even now as I repeat them, they are not allowed to penetrate into me. There are plenty of other questions out there. These questions serve no purpose. They do not change the outcome. They are just servants of a tormentor. A force that seeks to destroy or diminish what I am. I have been what I am for all of my days. The past has not shaken me and this tragedy will not force me to lose the essence that my husband loved so much. I was at church the sunday before he was pulled from my side and every sunday since. It was not until recently, that it became a bit less awkward for me and I was able to sing the songs. I still have tears but I am more accepting of the faith around me.

I have not dressed up for church yet. I was never into the dress up thing anyway, but I went down to sweats and tee-shirts. That is one of the many things that I have to say I LOVE about Living Water Fellowship, they accept you as you are. The Pastors were there for me from day one. Offering their support and guidance at my own pace. I didn't have the control of my reactions either and they never kicked me out. I remember one time someone said that God never gives you more than you can handle and I burst out laughing. Another time the person giving the service told us to tell our neighbors that it was time to move on & I looked at my neighbor and told them not to go there with me right now. No matter how angry, how frustrated, or how lost I was, I kept showing up Wednesdays and Sundays. I refused to follow the natural instinct to turn my back on what was my faith. I can't even tell you why. I am stubborn by nature and just knew that I needed to go to 'the place'.

So where is my faith now? Surrounding yourself with faithful people makes you see faith. I believe many things. I am not fortunate enough to hear the voice of God but I never needed evidence to fuel my faith. I believe that God does not give us more than we can handle, but this is not heaven and God is not the only one giving onto our lives. I believe my husband is free and that is the only thing about his death that is of importance to me. My grief & my pain are not due to some selfish desire to have him back. While anyone would jump at the chance, it is not a possibility so I choose not to think about it. My faith was here before he left, it was one of the many things he loved. It is not a product of wanting to see him again.

So the world shakes beneath my feet and I will stand firm.

These thoughts created 2 poems...

10/30/11 He Knows
Was inspired by a popular song.

11/9/11 Praise by Choice
I wrote this one while in church. I was asking myself why I was there. Then the poem came and I had to write it on the only paper available, the envelope used to tithe.

working

This website uses cookies

As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, hubpages.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://corp.maven.io/privacy-policy

Show Details
Necessary
HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
Features
Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
Marketing
Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
Statistics
Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)
ClickscoThis is a data management platform studying reader behavior (Privacy Policy)