The Young Widow - The Christmas Tree

Our Love
Our Passion
The blood in my veins
Your Heart
Our Story
The tears & the pain
The warmth of our love
The spark of your life
The Pride that I felt
Each day as your wife
The strength of our love
The love in your kiss
The life that we lived
The life I will miss
The blood that was shed
For you & for me
In order to live &
Love eternally

Purity, Hope,
Joy, & Love
The Angels in Heaven
The light from above
Your radiant smile
The warm sun on my face
Soft clouds in the sky
God's endless embrace
A child's innocence
A spirit thats true
The aura that shined
Around the Love I have for you
Your baby girls love &
Prayers in the night
Are some of the things
That remind me of white...

I honestly thought that the tree would be more difficult for me. Christmas was all of our favorite holiday and we really enjoyed it at home together. We were making our own Christmas traditions that I intend to hold on too. We did the shoe box drive, where we create a box filled with goodies and necessities for a little boy or girl in Haiti. Every year we sang happy birthday to Jesus and had breakfast before we opened presents. My Prince always got to eat his little debbie Christmas tree cakes which were his favorite.

This being the first Christmas with out My Prince and so soon after his death, I am sure it does not surprise you to know that I am at a Christmas crossroads. His death does not change that this day celebrates the birth of Jesus and so I will not let it pass by like any other day, but honestly, it feels so different. In order to get thru the festive decorating of the tree, it had to have more meaning this year. The tree is another dedication to My Prince. It was put up the day after Thanksgiving to teach my daughter that it is normal to be sad and hurt, but it is also normal to celebrate and make memories.

I remember sitting down and really thinking about how to blend the holidays with my grief and still come up with good memories and fulfilling moments for both my daughter and I. It is so easy to just let these days pass over me like the bitter cold wind, but I can't shake the feeling that it is not the right thing to do. As a widow, my days are hard and my nights are harder. Before I became a widow, the holidays were a welcomed break from the stresses of life for so many. I am not big on the whole stress thing. Christmas and Thanksgiving are unique holidays. These are only 2 days out of a possible 365. It seems easier to overlook them because of grief, but the tears are here either way. Why would I give these precious days up? What would I do instead? Cry about my husband, miss him, wish he was here? I can (& do) do that anyway, anywhere. There is one thing that is both good and bad about this level of heartache & it's that it is very portable. Not getting a minute of freedom from it is the bad part, obviously. Being able to pack it up and take it with me to enjoy watching 2 little one's explore their very first Christmas with their mother's brings joy that can be felt thru pain. Seeing the babies disregard the $20 present and be completely amazed at the shiny bow is a smile waiting to happen. The special time with my little girl and all of her cousins is something I look forward to. Looking forward to something is such an amazing gift to give someone who is grieving. I am sure that it is helping my baby girl too.

Is my heart heavy, yeah. The weight of my heart and the weight of my grief have come together to bring me my very first little muffin top, which I am very proud of. I know you probably didn't expect that, but it is true. Those who know me always try to feed me, so this is something to be proud of although I am not sure how it happened. Will I cry? Yeah. Despite my constant out pour here, I am actually a very private person. My tears do not come easily in front of people, but pour out endlessly at home at night. That was going to happen whether I enjoyed myself during the day or not. May as well off set the bad with the good, right?

So now for the Tree all red, white, and green with meaning in every detail. The birds that speak of life, the angels from heaven, and the flowers to honor and grace us in earth and heaven both. His picture in a green ornament towards the top of the tree with a bird and two angels surrounding him. His favorite color was green. The snowman with his name rests right on a white angel just like on the day he was chosen. So I walk by this tree everyday and my chest swells up with tears of joy as it speaks to me in symbols about My Prince. It speaks to my Princess a whole different way bringing excitement and joy for the season.

So these are the reasons I stay on the path that is more difficult and barren. Yet the satisfaction that I feel has the power to heal and teaches me how to work with the scar.

Merry Christmas!
Many Blessings

Young Widow