Weep Not For Me When I Die: A Moment With Bill Reflection

“The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.”

Mark Twain

I died yesterday.

Weep not for me.

In truth, a part of me dies daily. Obviously, you say, for the human body loses cells on a constant basis, but I’m talking about a more philosophical demise.

Anyone who has hung around one of the major religions understands the concept of re-birth. The old self is cast aside, replaced by a new self, and it is in our power to do this daily.

I am who I am today because I laid to rest my old self. I tossed out the ego, tossed out the selfishness and tossed out the anger, and in their place I made room for humility, serenity and compassion.

But what of the final passing? What of that last breath and the last glimpse of all that life holds? What of the lost dreams and the unfulfilled promises when I leave this planet? Should I fear that moment when the colors fade and the unlimited possibilities suddenly find an unforgiving limit?

Nonsense!

“The fear of death follows from the fear of life.” Think about it.

I am willing to gamble all of my possessions right now that a majority of those reading this article are controlled by fear in some aspect of their life.

We live in a fear-based society.

Fact!

Raise your hand right now if you have failed to do something during your lifetime because you were afraid of failing. If you are being honest then your hand is held high, as is mine. As much as I have battled fear I am still susceptible to it, as are we all.

In truth, one of the primary contributing factors of my alcoholism was fear. I was afraid of letting you know the real me. I was afraid of failure. I was afraid of imaginary situations and scenarios. I was afraid of being harmed and I was afraid of harming. I was afraid of….life.

We never really escape fear, or so I believe. Man is an insecure creature; always has been and always will be. We are one of seven billion on a planet floating among billions. We are but a pimple on the butt of the universe, and we are as insignificant as insignificant can be.

Our lives can end today in some random act of violence, or snuffed out by some random accident.

Our financial stability is tenuous at best, unless our name is Gates, and heaven help the man or woman who thinks they are immune to the vagaries of the economy.

Our emotional foundation has had cracks in it since Day One, and many are just waiting for the big psychic earthquake to occur so they can roll up in the fetal position and suck their thumb in supplication.

No matter the source, fear is every bit as crippling as MS or MD or any other medical abnormality. We fear what others will think of us. We fear failing and we fear falling short of expectations. We fear pain and we fear loss and lest we forget, we fear the great unknown.

And the fears build and the weight crushes us, and free-form movement is at first slowed and then greatly hindered until we reach the state of paralysis, and no forward movement or growth is possible.

Is that any way to live?

Look to the sky and watch the eagle soar high. Now look to ground level and watch the chicken attempt flight. One flies unencumbered, hundreds of feet above ground, constantly shifting between air thermals to stay aloft, while the other flaps frantically in an attempt to reach lofty heights measured in inches.

Are you an eagle or are you a chicken?

The choice is yours!

Seven years ago I made a sacred pact with myself. The past was gone. There was nothing I could do about the wouldas, shouldas and couldas. Instead I focused on the present. I promised myself on November 16, 2006 to start living life and not hiding from it. I promised myself that I would face my fears and go to sleep at night without the suffocating burden of regret.

Am I free of fear? Absolutely not! What has changed, however, is that I became willing to overcome fear. I have not reached the point where I laugh in the face of fear, but I definitely do not run from it.

When I was about ten there was a bully who would wait for me daily as I walked home from school. Making my life miserable had become a daily routine for him and he excelled at it. On numerous occasions I would get the stuffing kicked out of me, and eventually I began walking quite a distance out of my way so I wouldn’t have to face him. Understandable you say? I thought so too until the day my dad came home early from work and found me walking an alternate route home from school.

He asked me why I was so far from the path home and I broke down and told him. With tears streaming down my face I told my dad that I was afraid of this kid and tired of getting the crap beat out of me, and that I had decided it was easier to just avoid the confrontations.

Dad listened, and nodded his head, and even smiled. Then, as was his habit, he said something that has stayed with me a lifetime. “Bill,” he said, “you might be able to outrun the bully, but you will never be able to outrun the memory of running.”

And he was right, damn it!

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.”

Franklin D. Roosevelt

Franklin hit the nail on the head there, didn’t he?

It’s been a good life. Two months from now, good Lord willin’ and the creek don’t rise, I’ll turn sixty-five, and that in itself is a miracle. Hopefully I’ve got a few more years ahead of me to enjoy this gift of life, and I plan on doing exactly that, minus the anchor of fear that weighed me down for so many years.

Bring on the challenges. Bring on the new experiences. Bring it all on, because this man is done walking in detours to avoid the difficulties. I’m done running to avoid the bullies. I’m done short-changing myself and cheating myself and I’m done futilely flapping my wings trying to clear inches when I could be riding those thermals to greater heights.

How about you? Chicken or eagle? Living death or rebirth?

The choice is yours!

2013 William D. Holland (aka billybuc)

“Helping writers to spread their wings and fly.”