No New Discussions on Grief?

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   Vickiwposted 11 years ago

   I am a New Hubber and spending way too much time on all the fascinating aspects of finding out what is involved in writing for the big arena!
   I went through the different categories on the forum, and saw with some relief that although few, there have been really interesting discussions on death, loss and grieving. But each time I wanted to continue I was told that they were now inactive due to the elapsed time.
   I know that all these things - death, loss and grieving - still continue, as I facilitate a bereavement group each week, so I thought I would post a new discussion, and hope for some replies.
   It seems discussion about death is not very popular. No one really wants to enter the doors of a bereavement support group, but the recovery and healing is an amazing process when others support, encourage and socialise with you.
   My motivation to help lead this group came from the sudden death of my husband many years ago, when I became a young widow. It was such a shattering experience, and I had few people to turn to, and no family in my country, as we had emigrated to Canada together. I know now that if I had the opportunity to talk to others with similar experiences on a weekly basis my recovery would have been so much easier.
   So, if you are grieving, or can add to this, please reply.

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   nina64posted 11 years ago

   Hello Vickiw, Just know that you are not alone in your grieving. I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband. I share your pain. I lost my mother 7 years ago this month and the pain is still there. When my mom passed, I thought that my whole world had disappeared from my very eyes. The memories are still fresh in my mind and heart. I find that the more I talk about this to other people, the better I feel. I agree with you that most people do not like to talk about death, grief and all the different aspects of this topic because its an issue of one's own mortality. To this very day, I still question my own mortality....especially when I hear stories of people losing their loved ones. For example, the recent shootings in Connecticut had me in tears and asking God why. Even though I struggle with this issue, I know that God has a plan for me and that in due time, He will let me know what that plan is. In the meantime, I will continue to live on and be there for my family as much as possible. Be blessed.

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      Vickiwposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      So good to hear from you, nina64, and so sorry to hear about your loss. Several people in our group have had the loss of parents, and it can be  really devastating for them. One of them actually went on a self-destructive path of gambling, but is OK now. I think one of the great things about our group is that everyone gets to have their say, and others all listen, then give their feedback. It helps people know that they have support and understanding, and in this way they do not embark on poor decision choices. Great to hear from you, and thank you.

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   teaches12345posted 11 years ago

   I lost both my parents about twenty years ago, within a couple of years from each other.  Although they were elderly and their deaths were expected due to illness, it was still difficult to bear.  The grieving process goes through stages and I am not sure that at the time I completed the cycle.  I still remember them as if they were here yesterday.  I think it is so wonderful that you help others to grieve and to recover from the loss of a loved one.  Blessings.

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      Vickiwposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      I really feel a kinship with you, Teaches12345! We never forget those we have loved so much. Time heals, and we go on but we never forget. An active and understanding bereavement group is definitely one of the most helpful tools in helping to go through the grieving process without judgement and with great understanding. The deaths seem to close doors, and the group opens different ones that usually lead to new avenues in life.

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   snakeslaneposted 11 years ago

   Hi vicki, My Hub buddy, psyche nurse, marcoujor has written a wonderful page about grieving, thought I would share the link: http://marcoujor.hubpages.com//hub/Grac … eving-Poem
   I've had my share of loss lately. It is important to find ways to express the pain, and it is comforting to have others acknowledge it.  Hub pages is an incredibly supportive community. Welcome!

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      Vickiwposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Snakeslane, thanks for entering the discussion. I followed your link, for which I thank you too, and you were right - it is a lovely page. I am so encouraged by the support from people like you, and the knowledge that we can all share these important discussions. Thank you for your welcome, and hope you will manage to tell us more about your loss one of these days.

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         snakeslaneposted 11 years agoin reply to this

         Thanks vicki, Loss and grief is a theme in my writing (poetry). I've published some here on Hub Pages, some of it written long ago and some more recently. The poems have led to some interesting and helpful discussions in the comments (helpful for me). There are some amazing poets writing here who have shared deeply personal stories. I think you will find some very active discussions going on on the subject of grief in the individual poetry hubs (and elsewhere). I'm glad you found Mar's page.
         I just want to add that I am so sorry for the devastating loss you experienced. But happy you are able now to turn it into something positive for others.
         My nephew is going through a similar cataclysm, his wife was hit by a train in a freak accident four months ago and died instantly (they were newlyweds and had just announced a baby who would have been born about now). I worry about him, and my sister and her husband. This accident wiped out an entire branch of our family, everyone involved (especially my nephew) is overwhelmed with grief. It is truly a difficult time.

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            Vickiwposted 11 years agoin reply to this

            Sorry, snakeslane, so sorry to miss your post! I don't know how that happened - didn't see it in my notifications, and am still finding my way around the site!  That is absolutely dreadful. I feel overwhelmed just thinking about it. It takes me right back to the shock of instant death, and the trauma that no one can even begin to imagine, where things are sometimes mercifully just wiped from your brain, and take many years to come back, maybe not ever completely. So terribly sorry for this loss in your family.
            The only thing I can tell you is that time truly is your friend. I survived by telling myself that if I lived through the next 5 minutes I would be OK. Then I went to 10 minutes, 20 minutes, and so forth.  Eventually I could go for a week, then a month, and progressed so gradually like this. It was almost a private prayer and healing time. It was years later that I realised for the first time that I would never forget, but I could accept my husband's death.

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               snakeslaneposted 11 years agoin reply to this

               Oh gosh Viki, there you are! I was hoping it was a glitch, thanks for coming back. I think you'll soon get the swing of things as far as new posts and notifications. I really do appreciate what you are doing with the bereavement issues, and it certainly is needed here (and everywhere) and you'll find lots of support in this 'community'. Meanwhile thanks again for your shared experience, your words of advice are helpful, and I'm so sorry you had to learn these things the hard way. I just last week sent my nephew a link to Mar's 'Grace in Grieving Hub', and he emailed me back to thank me and seemed interested in having a look at it (he said he scanned it and thought it would be a good resource) so I'm thankful to Mar that I was able to contribute anything at all. Thank you for words of comfort, very much appreciated.

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      marcoujorposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Hi Vicki and Snakeslane...
      
      How lovely that we are referring each other...as I do not typically follow the forums and here I see that my buddy has referred my work to my new friend.  This is the beauty of the HubPages community to me...everyone is so willing to give and share of themselves.  I am so very humbled to now call you both my friend and am so very happy that I was able to provide the smallest of comfort to your nephew, Miss Lane.  Have a peaceful evening. Hugs, mar

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   2uesdayposted 11 years ago

   I think the lack of discussion on the subject of grieving might be because when you are bereaved it is difficult to put the feelings into words, especially in writing. Then once you start to pick up the pieces and move forward from such an overwhelming emotion, it is not easy to look back or to share how you felt. I think that the modern world does not really equip us for a time of loss. Much of the modern life style is such, that we can be in a denial of the possibilities of it. Once you can cope with looking at how you felt at that time and even though sometimes you still feel sadness, then writing about it can be helpful.

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      Vickiwposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Thanks for your words on grief, 2uesday. Your observations are very valid. I is incredibly difficult for those who are grieving to write - not always of course, for some it is therapeutic. I think I started this discussion because I was surprised it had dropped after a few years going, and I knew there must still be grieving people out there!  Even more important than writing, it is the idea of supporting, understanding and not judging, lots of lovely supporters in Hub. My own healing has become so much better during the weekly experience of listening to others and realising how much that helps them, and adds to my own knowledge about grief. A thanks again, every time you write it is another nugget for others to learn and be comforted.

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   snakeslaneposted 11 years ago

   It appears this discussion thread has been abandoned. Wishing now there was some way to delete my last post which just seems to be left hanging.

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      Vickiwposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Hello again snakeslane! No, no, don't even think about it! You are so valuable to me, I don't want us to stop discussing. I was horrified to see that I had left you hanging. I am still so sad after reading your post regarding your nephew. I truly hope when he is able he will manage to enter a bereavement group for help, but he will need lots of time, and the right time will only be when he is ready. It is also very much more difficult for men to seek help for this. It is almost as if they just shut down and put it in a compartment somewhere. We have to offer complete support, and never, never tell them it is time to move on. That is the very worst thing for people who are grieving to hear.
      Thank you so much for being patient. Blessings to you and your family.

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      Vickiwposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Still trying to figure out why your post didn't appear in my notifications. I am following you.  I will have to visit forums on a daily basis. Apologies.

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   AdviceUnhingedposted 11 years ago

   I actually have just started my first Hub and it's related to grief (4 hours ago!), but it is listed under mental illness so that is probably why you didn't see it. I'm not sure if the topic today would be of interest to you but those in the future might. I am a grief counselor and I look forward to following you especially being new. Sorry to hear of the loss of your husband, even if it was many years ago. I believe these experiences never leave us and there is no time frame to "move on"...uhgg I hate when people say that!

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   jansharesposted 11 years ago

   Hi Vickiw, thanks for starting this forum. I relate to the topic professionally as a counselor who has done alot of grief counseling and personally as a sister who lost her brother suddenly to gun violence (see my hub on sudden death). It is so true as others have said that it's something that stays with you, that you learn to incorporate, not "get over." It's great to hear how you're helping others process their grief. I thought I understood death, dying, and grief very well as a professional. But until I experienced it personally, I didn't really know. I was able to connect with my clients at a deeper level of "knowing" after I was on the "otherside" of understanding. That's what makes support groups lead by those who have been there so successful.

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      Vickiwposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Hi janshares, I cannot even imagine your sorrow at losing your brother like that, but I vividly recall my own terror and shock when my husband died in front of me and was gone in a matter of minutes. Then the terrible loneliness of having no other family in Canada. So sorry for your loss. That is truly devastating. Have just started to follow your Hubs, and they are great. May we become supportive friends! We have things in common.

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