Listen up. Having mediated and counseled many couples, I can assure you of one thing-everyone fights!
Now that we have gotten that out of the way let's talk.
You can buy all the relationship books you want, listen to Dr. Phil, Oprah and then when really depressed turn on Jerry Springer-or you can simply use some common sense.
There's no magic to relationships that last. They have this in common;
1-the parties genuinely are committed to staying together for positive as opposed to negative reasons-they believe being together is a good thing worth fighting for;
2-the parties share the same beliefs as to health, wellness and hygiene;
3-the parties share the same beliefs as to morality, i.e., what makes things right and wrong;
4-the parties know how to compromise and are willing to compromise;
5-the parties know what they need to share and what they need to do on their own;
6-the parties give each other privacy and let them be independent and do not cling to each other.
I tell couples whether they are of the same religion or not, different ages, same gender, what-ever that any relationship can work if you are willing to pursue 1-6 with honesty, passion and simplicity.
Some people are willing but many are not. Why?
Look around. We live in a material world. It has taught us to throw out things when they no longer have use. Our society's economy depends on us disposing so we will buy. If we don't dispose, then we cause recessions. Our economy builds in deliberate obsolescence in everything we buy so we throw it away and buy some more.
It is in that kind of a society where we define value my what we possess, own, control, that we have learned to dispose and it has of course transferred to our human relationships. If they won't work, we throw them out.
Whether its an employer-employee relationship or family or intimate relationship, we are quick to give up on and throw out that which seems broken or in a state of disrepair.
There's no social consequence to going bankrupt today or getting divorced today or being fired or firing someone. Its all part of the disposable material world where we live in the immediate present tense and seek instant gratification.
You don't need Judge Judy or Dr. Phil to tell you that. Its bloody obvious. So is the fact that some people are so afraid to live alone or be with themselves and learn to love themselves and be comfortable with themselves BEFORE they get into a relationship that they rush into relationships based on weakness and negativity and fear.
Their relationship comes about because they have low self-esteem and do not like themselves and desperately want others to like them to make up for these inner feelings of inadequacy.
Listen up people. If you don't like yourself the last thing that makes sense is to expect someone else to like you and make up for that!
How many people do you know who became involved because of the wrong reason-they did it because they were lonely or desperately wanted to be liked?
Why do you think we have an industry today where people make a fortunate serving as the counselors, therapists and lawyers for what I call love dummies?
You really think a counselor, therapist or lawyer can do anything but point out you are a love dummy and its going to cost you?
Want a hug and a shoulder to cry on? No sorry, I can't do that. I am a fan of the Dr. House school of bed side manner.What I can do is to encourage you to engage in common sense.
So what is common sense?
Well it sounds something like this;
1-relationships with large age differences usually end up with the younger party cheating on the older party if the older party does not die first-and no when you get older you are not cute-if you are a man get real-oh sure you can grow hair but in your ears and nose buddy not on your head and that gut and the sagging breasts and leaky prostate are no bargain-so smarten up-the hair transplant and plastic surgery are not going to change that fact-if you are an older woman-accept that cellulite and those pouches baby because if you don't who will?
2-Oh she's pretty or he's handsome tonight-no kidding-they put on all kinds of makeup fool. You think they will look like that tomorrow morning or next week?
3-We all have laundry and someone has to wash it. Likewise someone has to clean the toilet, the bathtub and make the bed and cook. Can Bimba or Bimbo you met on the beach do any of that? Are they going to do any of that?
4-Hello, if he doesn't brush his teeth or smells, what the hell do you think you are doing with him? You think you will convince him having his own teeth are important?
5-Did it not dawn on you that the reason you can't phone him is because he's trying to hide something? Did he ever give you his home number of just the cell phone?
6-Smarten up fool. In this day and age anyone can drive a fancy car or have a house. Its called loans. The first thing someone does who has nothing but wants to make you think he or she has something is to fill their life with what I call material cha cha.
7-Did you not stop and think? If he or she spends all their time telling you how bad their last wife/husband/mate was how do you think they will talk about you behind your back? Oh but no you are different. Raul told you his wife does not understand him and that is why he is with you. You understand him. Do you? Did he explain Maria has 4 of his children and he's got 5 spread all over the place in addition to those 4 and he has been living off her income for the last 15 years? Oh I know, you trust him. It's his wife. She is so mean.
8-O.k. buddy boy listen up. She's not with you because you are a rocket scientist. How do you know? Could it be every conversation is about how much things cost and what she would like?
9-O.k. that's nice. You are not a racist. You know the marriage will work. Did he tell you that mama and poppa and his two brothers and their wives and 8 children are also coming to live with you? Did he tell you that in his culture its rude not to walk a foot behind him and address him as your highness? What were you thinking?
10-If you know he lies to others, i.e., cheats on his income tax, tells his boss he is sick when he is at home with you because he has a hang-over or sees nothing wrong with helping himself to his neighbour's furniture or bicycle does it not dawn on you its probably indicative of how he is going to lie to you?
So why is it all the above seems so obvious and yet no one follows it? I call it gonad syndrome. People tend to let their gonads influence their relationships.
Now don't get me wrong I am sure penises and vaginas have good purposes, but sorry folks they tend to be given a tad too much focus when it comes to relationships.
Relationships aren't about immediate gratification-they are about hard work. They are about being with someone because you believe there are things more important then just an orgasm or a nice car or jewellery.
Now you think about that as I go back to work and I'll be back another time to tell you how to cope with everyday stress in your life and relationships.
Will I offer you a magic formula? No. Can you not tell by now I am not selling anything?
All I want maybe is my own talk show or to replace Judge Judy. So tell people about me. I would make a much better Dr. Phil then Dr. Phil. My solution to a bad relationship is to simply state-hello love dummiesand say goodbye to each other love dummies or work on it love dummies but what-ever you do-don't get a hair transplant or a breast implant. It won't help and you will still get hemmeroids if that is what fate has in store.
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