If you read my about me, then you'd see that I'm passionate about healthy, lasting relationships.
I think there are 2 things that are the most important to a lasting relationship, without these, a relationship will most likely not stand against the test of time. Even if it does, there is about a 95% chance that both parties will not be happy or satisfied with this relationship.
Number 1 - Self Respect: How can anyone have respect for someone else if they have none for themselves? And more importantly, how can you expect anyone to respect you if you have no respect for yourself? Being confident in who you are and loving who you are like pre-requisites for a relationship, it's almost impossible to take care of someone else if you can't even take care of yourself.
Number 2 - Common Goal/Purpose: A relationship won't get very far if the two people involved are headed in different directions. It's like a carriage being pulled by two horses, if one horse wants to go left and the other wants to go right, they won't get anywhere. I don't think I need to elaborate much more on this idea because I think it's easy to see my point.
People often wonder why their relationships don't last or why their significant other treats them like crap, but the answers are there. You just have to look!
My marriage lasted in spite of losing both of the things you believe to be most important. It's really hard to keep self respect when you have an accident which causes memory loss and the ability to walk. When this happened there were no longer common goals, there was no help for my wife. My brain didn't function as it had. The goals then became hers alone. Neither of us ever treated the other "as crap" even with no memory of being married I was told that I always treated my wife with respect. We were separated by circumstances beyond our control but I had already learned to love this wonderful woman without remembering who she was or how special she was. She had died before my memory returned so she never knew how much I had loved and appreciated her before the accident.
What a sad, yet beautiful, love story. I'm sorry to hear you had such a tragic accident and then suffered the loss of your wife. That is just so much for one person to have to handle and accept. It would appear that you shared a special relationship - one that most of us would envy. I have to believe that she did know how much you loved and appreciated her, even if you didn't express it as often as you now wish you had. I think that respect and common goals are helpful in sustaining a successful in relationship, but think there are many other factors at work as well. Your situation seems to be one of those that had other things going for it even when the self-respect and goals had at least temporarily disappeared.
A person can have plenty of self-respect and can the other to treat him with the same respect that all people deserve; but, (especially for a lot women, I think) there's being treated well enough and as if the person respects one enough not to "treat her like crap" - but then there's whether the other person respects you as an equal (and not "just" "a nice little person" or even "a good mother"). A lot of people know enough to behave as if they have at least a certain amount of respect for the other, but underneath, they don't see the other person as being quite as "respect worthy" as they, themselves, think they are.
It's now understood by a lot of people who deal with abusive situations that women who are strong, and have a lot of self-respect, are victims of abuse far more than a lot of people ever realized in the past.
There are people who are the kind of people who tend to respect others "as equals" regardless of whether the other has self-esteem or not. There are also people who don't/won't respect a person as "an equal", no matter how much self-esteem the other has.
The people who don't have self-respect are often the very ones whose relationships don't end, while those who do are often those who end the relationship. Sometimes it's the unhealthy relationships that seem to stand that old test of time. Relationships are healthy when both people in them are healthy. It only takes on person "with issues" to destroy a relationship, and it's not always about the person who isn't treated well being the one to blame.
I agree, one has to respect themselves first. Otherwise they open themselves to disrespectful behavior which eventually leads to resentment. A relationship can't last if there is too much resentment.
Also, couples really do need to share common goals and values. Like you said, if not, they're heading into 2 different directions, not to mention all the arguing which will ensue because of the differences.
With all due respect, I think you forgot one very important aspect in communication. Without communication in a relationship, then how do you know what goals you and your partner are striving for? After all, the unhealthiest relationships out there are often due to lack of communication between both parties.
These are good ideas, having self respect is important so your other half knows where they stand in how they treat you:) trust is an Issue to because without that you go nowhere, everyone needs a safety net of trust
Common goals are not necessary, just a willingness to support your SOs goals. It doesn't have to YOUR goal at all.
What IS necessary though is a desire, and a willingness to fight for, a long term relationship. If either party is not willing to put forth an effort to maintain a relationship it won't be a long term one.
I'm not an expert on what makes relationships last, but I have lots of firsthand knowledge on what makes them end. I think if a relationship is to last, both people involved must want to be in the relationship more than they want anything else.
Since we can't control other people's emotions and we can't keep someone in a relationship once they decide that other things are more important, i.e. personal growth, a career, another lover, or what have you. So no matter what tricks you try, what games you play, or what advice you get, when one person in the relationship decides they want something different, it's over.
From personal experience I would have to agree with your point about not being able to keep someone in a relationship once they have decided they want to move on. Sometimes this is decided without warning and for no apparent reason and there is literally nothing the other partner can do to change things. It's very sad, but one person can't keep it going if the other person doesn't want to even try - if they've decided all they want is out.
I think relationships last when both people are devoted to making it last. When both individuals are committed to spending the time and the energy it takes to make the relationship grow so that it can survive the occasional storm. Because the storms WILL come and the relationship will be tested by them. If both parties are willing to bear out the storm holding onto EACH OTHER rather than reaching out to something/someone else, the relationship will last.
Just my two cents.
Motwon2Chitown, I don't disagree with what you said, but I think it's not as simple as that either. Not that you, personally, would be interested in my thoughts in response to the points you've made (and with which I don't entirely disagree, by any means), but I've decided to post what what turned into a long reply here as a Hub instead of a forum post. (These days, knowing what will make a "useful" or "informative" Hub isn't always all that easy to sort out, so I figured I'd take advantage of the subject. )
Hiya, Lisa! I don't actually think it's as simple as that either...lol But, I was posting in a forum, not actually writing a hub, so I sort of kept it in "summary" mode if you know what I mean.
I'm going to have to check out your hub - I'm VERY interested. You tease, you!
I like this reply and the one from the beautiful human being who lost his memory.
We must be prepared to make an enormous effort to survive together, keep respect and love intact, and the best way to see that in my view is to have a solid self worth in the first place. A good relationship bolsters self worth of the other party simply by giving love.
One of the causes of losing a relationship apart from the tragic loss of memory mentioned above is also health related.
Wow, earnest, you are SO right. Depression can wreak havoc on a relationship, even if the cause is not directly the other person - and I think it's because depression does so much to distort our sense of self-worth. When a person recovers from depression, their relationship CAN recover as well. Sometimes, though, there is a little making up to do, depending on how much you let the depression pull you out of your normal behavioral mold.
What I've seen however, in my own struggles with depression, is that most often, the forgiveness was offered before any offense was committed. IF, indeed, it wasn't already understood that it wasn't me behaving that way, but the depression that moved me to do it.
You make a WONDERFUL point, earnest!
I think you are 100% accurate on that my lady, every long term relationship I see where the couple really has a good bond they seem to get tested the hardest.
I think for a relationship to last, there should be a concerted commitment to help each other achieve one's goals. Similar goals make it much easier of course, but even if both parties have a different set of goals to aim for, a relationship that could stand the test would ultimately prove more fruitful than ever.
I think for a relationship to last, besides a deep and abiding respect for the other person, there needs to be a shared vision, a partnership, a sense of working toward a common goal.
And of course, the va va voom factor!
I think it's more important to have patience as you tackle all problems that come your way, and to allow your partner to live his own life and make his own choices. Easier said than done, but in most marriages there is one partner trying to change the other one.
Well, what I believe is that, to maintain a relation compromise and understanding are really very important, once the partners would understand each other and would compromise over a subject, they would ultimately develop respect and love for each other. Besides, any of them won't become a hurdle for other instead, both would help each other to achieve their desired targets.
A sense of humor and lots and lots of forgiveness! Obviously I am speaking of infidelity, which has been part of the relationship I have been in for 23 years. We've each done our share, but honesty has kept us intact. Respect for one another in times of these crises is essential-betrayal is often a fact of life over so many years, and honoring and being empathetic each other at these times can deepen the commitment.
But even if infidelity is not a part of one's relationship, I find that these attributes of love I mentioned above still apply!
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