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Take On the Turkey and Win!

Updated on March 28, 2015

A day ago...

A day ago, here in Canada, it was Thanksgiving . In the United States Thanksgiving does not come for another month or so but we Canadians like to be ahead in everything we do including Thanksgiving. We are a forward thinking people and often jump the gun on the Americans as a result of our natural precociousness.

So with Thanksgiving comes turkeys. In fact one might say that Thanksgiving is simply an excuse to eat a turkey. In previous years like most other people I have simply purchased a frozen turkey from the grocery store, put it in the oven, and burnt it.

To Catch a Turkey

But this year I got a bee in my bonnet about catching my own turkey. I can tell you it's no fun having a bee in your bonnet. In the first place, you have to explain why, as a man, you are wearing a bonnet at all. But not to get distracted we are now discussing how to catch a turkey.

(I will cover 'why men should not wear bonnets in another Hub.)

'It is such a simple thing to do' (catch a turkey that is) I thought to myself so why not do it?

That was my first mistake.

Turkeys I thought cannot be that difficult to catch and it might be fun to catch the food which I was going to eat, just like the Pilgrims. (Now, Canada never had any Pilgrims, but that's beside the point. I saw some once in a movie so I know what they look like.)

Now at this point I had not thought very far ahead -- -- not even far enough to consider how I would kill the bird in order to cook him. If I had thought it through I would have ceased the project on the spot. However I overlooked the killing part and focused on the catching part.

That was my second mistake.

Turkey Brains

'Think about it', I thought, ' how hard can it be to catch a bird that has the intelligence of a grain of sand on a good day?'

I mean really turkeys must be among the dumbest of God's creation ranking just above an amoeba and just below that of green pond scum. After all I've never seen a turkey in grossed in a book or entranced listening to Beethoven's ninth Symphony or solving a Rubik's cube or translating Shakespeare's sonnets into Mandarin .

Indeed are entirely lacking the complex two-lobed brain preferring instead to have a brain slightly larger than a quark .

Certainly the turkey does many things which you might think require a standard sized brain such as gobbling clucking running and standing there spreading their enormous tail plumage. But these things are taken care of by the pre-programmed turkey brain called the autonomic turkey brain system .

This however does not mean that this bird is easy to catch. In fact generally speaking in nature the smaller the brain the more difficult it is to capture that which encases the brain. You cannot catch a fly, a mosquito or a million other such insects with your bare hands because their brains are so small they run on algorithms rather than rationality. The turkey fits into this category.

To catch a turkey you'll need not to outsmart it to have a large net to throw over it. Hunters will favor a rifle for their turkey pursuits and it has been said some Indian tribes by dressing in feathers and gobbling thereby fooling the bird into approaching them--at which point they could throttle it easily.

I Seek Advice from Linda

At any event, having decided to catch my own bird for the great feast, I did what everyone in the 22nd century does who is clueless about how to do something. I consulted Google.

Within nanoseconds I found exact instructions on how to achieve my goal. A certain 'Linda' who has a website with the rather snooty title of Gardening For Dummies, presents a page on Catching Turkeys for Turkeys...or rather Dummies...(same thing.) She suggests something along the lines of:

'Find yourself a cardboard box or milk crate."

Now I don't know about you, but milk crates sound like something out of stories my Grandmother Told Me, and I haven't a clue where I'd find myself one, but I do know what a cardboard box is, having several in my apartment for hiding in when unwanted guests force themselves upon me. (Nobody, no matter how desperate they are to tell you about their recent vacation trip to The Falkland Islands is going to follow you into a cardboard box to do it!)

Next, Ms Linda suggests a "stick about 30 cm long." Now this is something I have in abundance which I use to beat off unwanted guests who have, against all odds, followed me into the aforesaid cardboard box.

Third, our turkey-catching expert lists "A piece of string." Now this one is a little more difficult. I can always find a PIECE of string, that's child's play, but when miss know-it-all who is talking down to us 'Dummies' says a PIECE of string, it makes me wonder. Surely she cannot have made a spelling error. So what in the world is a PIECE of string?

Fourth, having found your piece of string, you need "A pair of hefty Gardening Gloves" This, I assume is for the throttling of the turkey business. You don't want to leave tell-tale fingerprints on the bird's neck, now do you?

Fifth? "Tie string to stick and prop your trap up with the stick." This sounds easy to do, but try doing it with those hefty gardening gloves on and you will be there for hours.

Sixth we want to "Place some mouldy cheese inside the trap." It's a well-known fact that turkeys love mouldy cheese. At least Ms Linda thinks so.


Seventh: "Then, take hold of string, and hide in the bushes." This is where Linda of Gardeing for Dummies gets really clever.

Turkeys, having bad eye-sight, and with their attention all focused on getting that piece of mouldy cheese, are not going to see you lurking there, squatting in the in a million years.

The problem is when Mrs. Lichenlips, the widow from next door (who has even worse eyesight than the turkey) sees a man hiding in the bushes holding a piece of string that she calls the police by which time the turkey has eaten his cheese and left the area.


Having considered such plots and schemes, there is only one possible solution to this question of How To Catch a Turkey.

Simply invite one to dinner!

How to Catch a Turkey Links

How to Catch a Wild Turkey |
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Learn how to catch a wild turkey in a wooded area, possibly right near your home. The procedure to catching a wild turkey is similar to killing one, only without the gun and gore. The more wooded the area, the more likely there will be a turkey in it. If you do not catch a wild turkey within a week, you need to evaluate your technique and move to another area.

Teaching in High Heels: How To Catch a Turkey
>>>>>>>>>>>n the book it is the day before Thanksgiving, eight boys and girls take a field trip to a turkey farm. How to Catch a Turkey sheet we came up with our own traps...but my kiddos said they would only trap them to keep them as cute!

Turkey Gallery

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